Send to All

Part 4: Ron's Phone

A/N: I'm back with more since there seemed to be a popular demand for it! Just a disclaimer/copyright notice though; I do base each text and a lot of the responses to it on texts sent on Michael McIntyre's Big Show. I'm not trying to steal any content, I'm just using it to make you guys laugh!

It had been a couple of months since the last phone hacking incident had occurred. A big house-elf smuggling case had ensured that those who worked in the Ministry were rushed off of their feet as they worked with officials from over 20 foreign Ministries. When it was all finally resolved in mid-September Harry and Ron went out for a celebratory drink at their favourite pub, the Hogs Head.

It was dingy, dark and dusty but it was their favourite for a few reasons. The first was that the drinks were cheap when you knew the owner and the second was that nobody would ever have thought to look for Harry Potter in a place like this so he could enjoy himself away from the bloody paparazzi. As it was, on this particular Friday night they were the only patrons in the old pub.

"Look mate, just take it off me and fix it will you?" Ron was saying as he thrust a shiny new iphone onto the table irritably.

Harry shot him an amused look, "Ron, it's not that different from your old phone."

"Yes it is," Ron complained, "My old one texted people and called them. This thing has apps and clocks and loads of other rubbish I don't understand! If Hermione hadn't set it up and put all the contacts onto it I wouldn't even have been able to do that."

Harry snorted in amusement, "So you just want me to set up a passcode for it?"

Ron nodded, "Yeah, it can't be that hard can it?"

"Nah," Harry said as he sneakily clicked onto Ron's messages and clicked the infamous 'send to all' button, "For someone who knows phones it's easy enough," he continued as he tapped out a text and sent it.

"Have you worked it out yet?"

Harry smirked at his best friend, "I know exactly how to do it and I'll sort it for you as soon as the replies from the text I just sent to all of your contacts come in."

Ron snorted, "You think I'm bothered about that stupid game? I've barely got any contacts in there."

"You don't know what contacts you have," Harry reminded him with a grin, "You said Hermione put them in for you."

Ron narrowed his eyes at his friend, "Is she in on this?"

"Nah," Harry laughed, "But she might have put more contacts on than you would have done. We'll just have to wait and see, won't we?"

"What did you send anyway?" Ron asked as he reached for his firewhiskey, "It better not be something that can get me in trouble with Hermione. She's already pissed about our last night out together."

Harry sniggered as he recalled, "Well you did go home and throw up in the kitchen sink mate. I'd have been annoyed if I had to clean it up at 2am in the morning too."

Ron glared at him, "That's the last time I let you convince me that muggle cocktails are a good idea."

Harry snorted in amusement, "Well I don't think the text will get you into too much trouble, it says, "Feeling a little insecure. Do you still think I'm hot? I mean Viktor Krum, Oliver Wood and my best friend who saved the world, can I still compete with these guys?"

Ron guffawed, "Come on, like anyone is going to believe that I sent that! Since when do I feel insecure and talk about my feelings? That's the kind of shit you and Hermione do over bottles of red wine."

Harry shrugged and sipped his firewhiskey as Ron's phone buzzed for the first time, "Oh I think you underestimate our friends, they'll probably just think you've gotten drunk and melancholy. I mean you do kind of get melancholy every time you get drunk…"

"Whatever," Ron scoffed.

Harry wasn't fazed by his friends lack of enthusiasm for the game. He glanced down at the phone as the replies started to come in and he sniggered again, "Well your first reply is from Draco."

"Why in Merlin's name did Hermione put Draco in my contacts?" Ron asked in disbelief.

"Probably because I'm dating him and I'm your best friend?" Harry guessed, he grinned, "Anyway Draco typically just replied with, "No."

Ron snorted, "Like that comes as a surprise. Who else did Hermione put on there?"

"Let's see…there's a reply from Susan Bones," Harry said through his laughter, "And it says a lot about how much work you do in the department considering that she's just replied with, "Sorry, what Weasley is this?"

Ron laughed at that, "Yeah well she won't have my number, will she? Makes me wonder how many of my brothers number are in her phone though…"

Harry grinned, "Yeah it does kinda pose that question, doesn't it? I reckon we can use that information to our advantage. Oh there's another reply just come in, it's from Seamus and it's brilliant."

Ron shook his head as Harry practically cackled, "Its borderline bro... but if you hang out with me a bit more I'll guarantee you stay cool and current."

"What does Seamus know about being cool and current?" Ron asked with an amused shake of his head, "He's an experimental potions brewer!"

"I don't know," Harry admitted with a chuckle, "But I do know that Bill has replied and it's pretty harsh."

"Go on," Ron said.

"Definitely not. You can't compete with any of your older, more attractive brothers either. The truth hurts mate," Harry read out through his laughter.

Ron rolled his eyes, "Typical Bill, he's always said he was the best looking one."

"Well…" Harry said slowly.

Ron made a face, "I really don't need to know which one of my brothers you find hottest, Harry. From what Hermione's told me I reckon it's probably Charlie anyway."

Harry's eyes widened, "Hermione told you that?" he asked in an undertone.

Ron smirked at his friend, "She's my wife, she tells me everything. Did you really think I didn't work it out anyway? It was obvious!"

"Do you think Ginny knows?" Harry asked in horror.

Ron snorted, "Of course Ginny knows. Did you seriously think that she didn't?"

Harry let his head hit the table with a thump, "I thought I'd manage to slip that one past her," he said as Ron's phone buzzed again. He looked down at it and opened the text straight away because he was eager to take the attention away from himself, "Oh, Hermione has replied! Ha! This is brilliant!"

Ron rolled his eyes, "How sarcastic is it?" he asked.

"She has replied, "Victor and Oliver don't have a patch on you. Harry is a tough one though."

Ron snorted, "She knows you've nicked my phone."

"Yeah," Harry agreed, "She's trying to wind you up. Oh, you've also got a reply from Luna…ah, this is a juicy one!"

"What could possibly be juicy about a text from Luna?" Ron asked in disbelief.

"She said, "I think you meant to send this to someone else! But you are definitely still hot sweetheart!"

Ron's ears reddened and Harry raised an eyebrow at him, "You and Luna huh?"

"No way," Ron said quickly, "Don't put words in my mouth, there has never been a me and Luna."

"Are you sure about that, sweetheart?"

Ron glared at Harry, "Look, if you really need to know…Luna admitted after the war that she had a bit of a crush on me. I didn't really know what to say so she kissed me and then I came to my senses and told her I just liked her as a friend. Then me and Hermione got together and it was all just forgotten about, alright?"

"Luna kissed you and you never told me!" Harry said in disbelief.

"You shagged my brother and didn't tell me," Ron pointed out.

"Fair," Harry said somewhat sheepishly, "But seriously? When did this happen?"

"Right after the final battle," Ron admitted, "You know when you disappeared up to the common room and slept for about 2 days?"

"Yeah," Harry said with a nod, "Does Hermione know?"

"Oh yeah, I told her about it right afterwards," Ron said with a wave of his hand, "She thought it was hilarious."

"It's pretty funny," Harry agreed as he glanced down at Ron's phone, "Speaking of Charlie by the way, he's just replied saying, "Sorry bro but firstly, you're my brother. Secondly, you don't have Krum's arms. Thirdly, you don't have Ollie's arse and finally, how many dark lords have you killed again?"

"Sarcastic piece of shit," Ron muttered under his breath.

"Hey, Hermione prefers you over Krum!" Harry pointed out, "And Charlie has a point, Oliver does have a very fine-"

"Right, I don't want to hear any more about that," Ron said quickly.

Harry grinned at his friend in amusement, "You've got a reply from Theo Nott too by the way. I didn't know you knew him?"

Ron shrugged, "I didn't really know him until that whole smuggling case hit. When I was out in Europe trying to minimise damage control he was out there too. I have no idea why they sent an Unspeakable out, it was all very hushed up."

"There was more to that case than met the eye," Harry agreed, "There were a lot of Unspeakables and undercover workers on it. I wonder if there was a mole in the department and that's why they hushed it all up."

"I reckon you're right," Ron agreed, "So yeah, I spent like three weeks with Theo in Kiev."

"I think you made an impression on him," Harry joked, "He's replied, "You are the king, they are all just cheap imitations of you. You will always be number one. P.S. We should be together."

Ron laughed out loud at that, "Nah, Theo's dating Daphne Greengrass. You know the Undercover worker in the Auror Department? He's just having a laugh."

"It's still pretty funny," Harry chortled, "You've also got a reply from…Roy."

Ron's eyes widened, "Our boss Roy?"

"The one and only," Harry said with an evil grin.

"Why is he on there?" Ron asked in disbelief, "Why would Hermione do that? Oh Merlin's balls…what has he said?"

"He said, "Ron, did you mean to send this to me? I feel uncomfortable being asked this question. I think you need to see the department psychologist to resolve this issue. See me on Monday."

"Oh fuck off Harry," Ron said irritably as Harry roared with laughter, "You do realise this means I'm going to be subjected to a therapy session with bloody crazy Mary now, don't you?"

Harry nodded through his laughter, "I want to say I'm sorry but I'm really not."

"You're the worst friend ever," Ron grumbled.

"Oh come on, I'm not that bad," Harry said as he glanced down again, "Oh there are some more replies. George has replied…oh try not to get offended by this one."

Ron rolled his eyes, "Great, what's it say?"

"It says, "Still? When were you ever in competition with those guys? Hermione even dated Krum back when she still thought you were an irritating furball!"

Ron snorted, "She dated Krum when she was in school but she married me and had kids with me. I reckon I win that one, don't you think?"

"Yeah," Harry chuckled, "I'd back you on that one mate. Dean replied too, he just said, "Dude, get a grip. You're acting like a pussy."

"See," Ron said, he looked vaguely amused, "I told you our friends wouldn't think I'd talk about my feelings."

"It's just confused Percy," Harry said with a smile.

"Doesn't take much though, does it?" Ron retorted.

Harry chuckled, "He's said, "Sorry? Was this text meant for me? I don't feel qualified to comment."

Ron shook his head, "He's so serious. How many more replies are on that thing?"

"Just a couple," Harry said honestly, "Neville replied with "Ron, you've never been able to compete with those guys. P.S. What about me? How many times have I told you, I'm more than just a sidekick."

Ron laughed at that, "Is he forgetting that I was your sidekick first?"

"I'm going to text him back," Harry grinned, "Let's see… "Someone has a short memory. I was Harry's sidekick before you killed any snakes…"

"Did you actually just send that?" Ron asked through his laughter.

Harry grinned, "Yep, it will be interesting to see his reply. The last reply is from Gin and it's hilarious," he said as he sniggered to himself.

Ron shook his head as Harry caught his breath and read out the final text, "You're feeling insecure? What are you a 12 year old girl? Do you want to come over for a sleepover so we can have pillow fights and talk about our feelings? (Harry, have you got his phone?)"

"Gin should know you well," Ron said in amusement, "She was married to you for years."

"You have a point," Harry said as the phone buzzed again, "Oh Neville has replied! "Yeah but I still killed the snake, didn't I?"

Ron snatched his phone off of Harry, "Nev's gonna hate me now."

"He does seem to be forgetting that you destroyed a horcrux too," Harry pointed out, "Therefore you are both my sidekicks and you are equally worthy."

Ron scoffed, "I'm not your sidekick anymore, that's Draco's job."

"Try telling him that," Harry said as he sipped his firewhiskey, "He's convinced he's the senior Auror in our partnership. Just wait until I get promoted to Head Auror…that'll show him."

"It's about time," Ron said as he downed his firewhiskey and grabbed his coat, "There have been rumours in the department for the last year. They're going to have to pull their finger out and do it soon."

Harry shrugged, "Maybe, I reckon they're waiting till I'm 30 so nothing will happen till next year. Are you heading off?"

"I've got to pick the kids up from Mum's," Ron admitted, "Hermione's still working a ton of overtime with the paperwork left over from the smuggling case. Whose watching your two?"

"Draco," Harry said as he got to his feet, "So I should probably go and rescue them before they're subjected to anymore boring books or potions experiments."

Ron snorted in amusement, "See you at work on Monday."

"Maybe," Harry grinned as they left the pub together, "You might be stuck with crazy Mary all day!"

"Fuck you Harry!"

The End :)