"So, are you going to let me in on the plan now?" Zetsu asked. As soon as Tobi had made it back to the house, he'd told the genie to have a seat in the living room, while he went up to his room and furiously drew out his plan on several pieces of paper. Zetsu, for his part, waited patiently in the living room and began watching soap operas, which fell snugly under the category of twenty-first* century innovations that he enjoyed far more than was probably reasonable. Once Tobi had completed his drawings, he'd returned to the living room and pinned the charts up for the genie to see and was now preparing to present his case.

"Ok, here's the deal," Tobi began. "Sasori and Deidara like each other, but Sasori doesn't want to mess up their friendship, see?" Here he pointed at a crudely-drawn Sasori and Deidara standing beneath a dark storm cloud. "Sasori's scared to take that next step, and he can get away with dodging a relationship like that because he keeps saying that Deidara picks bad guys."

"Duh, I was there when he said that. What's your point?"

"Sasori won't make the next move because he knows there's no chance of Deidara sticking with a jerk, since he can always scare them off! See, he doesn't have to make a move because there is currently zero risk of Deidara finding Mr. Right and Sasori losing him forever."

"Go on."

"But, if Deidara happened to find someone perfect for him (Tobi punctuated this by pointing to a picture of a "perfect boyfriend") then Sasori wouldn't have a good excuse to run him off! Therefore, Sasori would have no choice but to finally man up and admit his feelings to Deidara, and he and sempai will get together and live happily ever after!"

"You're planning on making him jealous?"

"No…more like crushing Sasori's soul with the prospect of losing the love of his life forever and ever."

"That's terribly cruel, especially for someone who professes himself to be a 'good boy' all the time." Zetsu smirked and popped his knuckles. "So, making with the wishing. What exactly does this Deidara guy need to have in a perfect guy?"

"He's got to have muscles and brains," Tobi began. "And sempai's an artist, so the boyfriend should be artistic in some way. He needs a terrible sense of humor, be kind and kind of spontaneous, supportive, handsome, have some of sempai's classes…that should do it."

"One perfect man, coming right up."

-the following Monday-

"Ok, Keiichi, there's Deidara," Tobi said, pointing to his sempai down the hall. "Go on, get him!"

Deidara was absent-mindedly getting his books out of his locker. The most recent argument with Sasori was still fresh in his mind, and he had a good mind to give his danna the silent treatment for a few days. Sighing, he shut the locker and leaned against the cool metal door. That would never happen. One look from Sasori and he'd be right back by the redhead's side, still angry and bitter but there all the same. Stupid teenage hormones and high school crushes!

Deidara had been so busy lamenting the current state of his love life that he'd failed to notice one of his textbooks was making a break for freedom, and was startled out of his musings by the feeling of the weight in his arms being lightened and the crash of a book to the floor. "Of course, un," he muttered. Before he could stoop to get it, though, a pale arm shot out and scooped up the book, prompting Deidara to look towards the arm's owner.

The teen was a male about his height, with dark brown hair that dangled in his face, hazelnuts eyes, and a very nicely toned body. Deidara could see a few studs in the kid's ear, leading him to wonder if there were any more body modifications on him. Finally, he noticed the male had a sly grin directed at him. "I'm guessing this is yours?" he inquired in a gentle baritone.

"Yeah, thanks," Deidara replied, reaching for the book.

Much to his dismay, however, the newcomer held the book out of Deidara's reach and grinned all the wider for doing such. "Uh uh, if you want it back you've got to make a trade."

"What do you want, un?"

"Well, I may have kinda told that nice lady at the front office that I could find my way to my classes without her help, and it's recently occurred to me that that was probably a poor decision on my part, and I really don't want to be late on my first day, so-"

"You're completely lost and need directions, un," Deidara surmised.

"Exactly! So, think you could help?"

For some odd reason, Deidara found himself agreeing to the teen's request and asked for his schedule to see where he needed to go. "Let's see…oh, you actually have chemistry with me, un."

"Ah, thanks," the newcomer stated as he returned Deidara's textbook. "I was about to have to speak crappy Russian and pretend I didn't know where anything was because I can't speak English. Gets you out of a tardy slip every time, you know."

"You wouldn't, un."

The teen merely grinned at the assertion and drew himself up to his full height, putting the sternest expression possible onto his face. "Vodka? Czar? Marx! Soviet Russia!"

Deidara couldn't help but snort at such a ridiculous sight, doubling over with laughter and sending more books to the ground. This time the newcomer picked them up and returned them without making any demands. "What, no trade this time?" the blond inquired.

The brunette shrugged. "Hey, you laughed at my joke. All my sister ever does is throw pillows at me when I try my act at home. Everyone's a critic, you know."

"Tell me about it, un. I'm Deidara, by the way."

"Keiichi. Pleased to meet you. And, not that this hasn't been real, and fun, and maybe even real fun, shouldn't we be going to class right now?" Looking at a clock on the wall, Deidara swore and grabbed Keiichi by the wrist, hauling the poor kid down the hall towards the chemistry lab.

Tobi, meanwhile, was congratulating himself on a job well done. Keiichi and Deidara had immediately hit it off; now he just needed for Sasori to come into the picture, and then the Akasuna would finally man up and go for Deidara!

-later that day-

Things were going rather smoothly, considering that this was one of Tobi's more delicate plans. Keiichi and Deidara had bonded over chemistry and world history in the morning, and by lunchtime were acting like the best of friends. Tobi thought this was a wonderful development, and even went as far as not glomping Deidara at lunch time so that the blond wouldn't be distracted from his new brunette companion.

One important detail that Tobi had failed to plan for was how the rest of his friends would react to Keiichi's presence.

Tobi et al had unofficially become a group known as Akatsuki years ago, at the beginning of middle school. Pein was their unofficial incompetent leader, Konan was his right-hand man (or woman, if you wanted to be technical). Everyone else sort of broke off into pairs, except for Tobi who tended to hang around Deidara. This being their senior year, they'd been a united group for around six years, which is a rather long time to those people in the world who've just recently turned eighteen. It should come as no surprise, then, to hear that some of the teens viewed Keiichi's sudden appearance in their group as something akin to home intrusion.

"You ever heard of this guy?" Hidan whispered to Kakuzu, who merely shook his head. Neither the miser nor the zealot had warmed up to Keiichi quite yet, and had settled for speculating about him.

Kisame, meanwhile, was frantically texting Itachi under the table, trying to relay details of this newcomer to his friend, who was currently slaving away in advanced Calculus and therefore didn't share a lunch period with this section of the Akatsuki. "Itachi wants to know if he's joined any clubs yet."

"How the hell would we know?" Hidan hissed, keeping a wary eye on Deidara and Keiichi in case they decided to look their way. "Pein or Konan usually handle that shit; but they're in class right now…"

"Tobi, do you know anything?" Kakuzu asked, looking to the masked teen.

Tobi was grateful that his mask kept him from looking like a deer caught in headlights; hurriedly he pulled himself together and, in a voice that was more high-pitched and nervous sounding than he would've liked, replied, "Nope, not a thing! Sempai hasn't told Tobi anything, and Tobi wanted to be a good boy and not pry."

"Figures," Hidan muttered before he and Kakuzu went back to their speculation. Tobi looked to Deidara and Keiichi, and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that the two were still comfortably buried in their conversation. Zetsu had done a great job of making an ideal boyfriend for Deidara; Tobi owed the genie a thank-you for that.

-one week later-

"Zetsu, are you home?" Tobi called out as he walked into the house and dumped his backpack in the front foyer.

"SHH!" came the response from the living room.

Rolling his eyes, Tobi walked into the living room and saw (to no one's surprise) that Zetsu was staring at the TV with a blank look on his face, as though entranced by the television program playing before him. "Does Tobi even want to know what's going on?" the Uchiha asked as he seated himself by the schizo and helped himself to the bowl of potato chips sitting on the coffee table.

"Rachel is about to give Isaac another chance, but Claus has photos of Isaac secretly eloping with Martha! The marriage was actually annulled a month later, but Rachel doesn't have a clue, so Claus is going to steal her for sure! These human dramas are just so juicy." Tobi merely rolled his eyes at the genie's antics; so far he hadn't seen any harm in letting Zetsu watch soap operas, aside from the genie getting unnecessarily irritated when his programs were interrupted.

Tobi was a good boy and waited patiently for the episode to finish, even refraining from making a critical comment when the show ended and Zetsu made a sound like a kicked puppy. "So many questions answered, but so many more left unanswered!"

"If Zetsu is done, Tobi has good news!"

"You know how the next episode goes?!"

"No, nothing like that." Zetsu looked slightly depressed at the message but allowed Tobi to go on. "Deidara and Keiichi are getting along great! They actually went out on a date tonight!"

"How are the rest of your friends taking it?"

"Well most of them like Keiichi, but Pein still thinks something is off so he's making Itachi tail them. But Tobi didn't wish for Keiichi to be a jerk, so everything will go perfectly! And then Sasori will realize his mistake, and he'll confess to Deidara, and then-"

KNOCK KNOCK

Tobi and Zetsu both turned toward the front door, wondering who in the world who be visiting Tobi on a Tuesday afternoon. "Zetsu, hide!" Tobi demanded, not wanting to have to explain what a genie was doing in his living room watching soap operas.

Zetsu for once obeyed the teen's order without demanding that it count as a wish, and quick as a flash had vanished from the room with a poof of smoke, probably to hide out in the guest bedroom that was currently serving as his residence. Once he was certain that the genie wouldn't be making a reappearance, Tobi walked to the door and answered it. "Hello?"

"Hi Tobi. Can I come in for a bit?"

"Sasori? What is it?" Tobi inquired, stepping back so the redhead could enter his home. "Is something wrong?"

The question was valid; Sasori looked very much like someone had both stolen his wallet and run over his puppy, all while his house burned down in the background. Without offering much explanation, the redhead made a beeline straight for the kitchen and took at seat at the table, waiting for Tobi to do the same. "Er, can Tobi get Sasori anything?" the Uchiha asked, motioning towards the fridge behind him.

"No thank you, Tobi. Actually, I'm only going to be here for a little while; I came because I need a sounding board of sorts, and you're the only one of us who isn't going to judge me too harshly if I speak what's on my mind."

"So something is wrong with Sasori," Tobi guessed as he took a seat across from the Akasuna.

"Yes and no," Sasori admitted, biting his lip as he grappled for the right words to express the depths of his plight. "Tobi, you've no doubt noticed how closely Deidara and Keiichi have became, haven't you?"

"Mhm," Tobi nodded, feeling his heart racing with excitement. If this conversation was going where he thought it was, his sempai and Sasori would soon be together!

"Do you think Keiichi would ever harm Deidara in any way?"

Tobi shook his head. Sasori definitely didn't have any excuse now. Any second, the redhead would finally man up and confess…

"That's a relief," Sasori admitted with a sigh and soft smile. "Now I won't feel too bad."

"Feel too bad…?"

The Akasuna nodded before going on. "Tobi, I've always been hesitant to get too far away from Deidara, and a large portion of that probably stems from wanting to keep him safe. He's my best friend in the whole world, but your sempai isn't exactly a master of self-preservation, as you well know by this point."

Tobi was confused; all this was correct, but what was Sasori getting at?

"I'd become convinced that he could only find things that were destructive to himself, especially in the boyfriend department. But if he can find a good relationship like the one he'll have with Keiichi very soon (don't give me that look, you and I both know it's going to happen), then I don't have to worry anymore. So I'm going to apply to art school in Kirigakure."

"But-!"

"I know, Deidara has no intention of ever going there, and we've been talking about going to college together for forever. But Tobi, I can't hang around Deidara for the rest of his life! He'll make new friends when he leaves for college, figure out what he really wants to be…he'll outgrow me, Tobi," Sasori quietly added at the end. "I'd rather be gone before that happens."

Tobi knew that he should be yelling at Sasori right now, telling him that the redhead was a complete idiot and that there was no way Deidara would stick it out with Keiichi (mostly because Tobi would have to unwish him, but that was something he'd rather not explain right now), yet nothing came out of his mouth.

"I'll miss him, but this is the right thing to do, isn't it? Letting him go? Yes, I'm sure of it…" nodding to himself, Sasori rose from to table and pushed his chair in. "Thanks for listening, Tobi. I'm sure the other would've just given me a hard time." Tobi merely nodded to the redhead, unable to move as the Akasuna showed himself out of the house, pulling the front door shut behind him.

Tobi remained at the table for a full minute, letting the reality of the situation wash over him in wave after terrible wave of horror. There was only one thing to do in this situation. "ZETSUUUUUUUUU!"

-one explanation later-

"I told you this was going to backfire hilariously, didn't I?"

"This is not hilarious in the least, and now is not the time for gloating, Zetsu! Oooh, Tobi has to fix this soon, or else sempai and Sasori will never live happily ever after!"

"So, what are we going to do?"

Tobi paced the kitchen in small, hurried steps, stroking his chin beneath the mask as the gears turned in his head. "It has to be something big and dramatic. Something that will completely and totally split up Deidara and Keiichi. And it has to be done soon!"

Zetsu thought for a moment, trying to figure out what sort of spell he could use to fulfill Tobi's wish. It hit him in a moment of brilliance, and Tobi knew from the devious smirk on his face that whatever the genie had in mind was sure to be catastrophic. Well, desperate times called for desperate measures and all that. "Tobi, where are they right now?"

The masked teen quickly texted Deidara about his location, and discovered that the blond was with Keiichi at the local mall. "What exactly is Zetsu planning to do?"

"Oh, you'll find out very soon."

-m-

Deidara and Keiichi were having a lovely time, all things considered. They'd spent a few hours in the local arcade, and then moved on to the food court for some fries and sodas. They were planning on playing one more round of Fist of Deathly Death II: The Reckoning, before heading home. "So, ready to epically fail against my awesome fighting game skills?" Keiichi asked, grinning at the blond.

Deidara merely rolled his eyes at the assertion. "Please, un. You barely won the last round; one more hit and you would've been out, un!"

"Ah, but I did not get the last hit, leading to my absolute victory and your shameful demise." Deidara opened his mouth to retort-

"KEIICHI!"

Both teens spun around to see a teenager with bright red hair and green eyes staring at them, dressed in a tuxedo that looked like it had been through several natural disasters while its owner was wearing it. "You thought you'd gotten rid of me over the falls in Barbados, and that mistake will cost you dearly!"

"What, un?"

"Claus." Keiichi's eyes narrowed at the newcomer. "We meet again."

"Don't take that informal tone with me! You lost that right after you scammed Lisa out of her inheritance!"

"Better than letting you marry her only to later kill her for the inheritance and insurance!" Keiichi shot back.

"What's going on, un?"

"Well it doesn't matter now," Claus stated, chuckling to himself. "Because I finally have the proof that will ruin your chances with-what was your name, kid?"

"Deidara, but why-"

"With Deidara! For you see, everyone (and Deidara was mortified to realize that a rather sizable crowd had indeed gathered around them) this man is not what he appears to be! He poses as an innocent high school student, when in reality his is an international thief, married to a young woman by the name of Rachel!"

"NO!" Keiichi shouted.

"And here is the wedding photo!" Claus continued, holding up an 8x11 picture for all to see.

"You're married?!" Deidara exclaimed.

"No, it was a mistake! We had it annulled a month later, I promise!"

"Yes, right around the time you ran off with Lady Furnival's family jewels! Well the jig is up, my old nemesis! At last, you will face the music!"

"NEVER!" Keiichi screamed before bolting across the food court and rushing out of the mall. Claus was on his heels in an instant, chasing the brunette out of the mall despite a nearby security guard finally hopping into action to try and contain the mayhem.

Meanwhile, poor Deidara was left standing in the midst of a very large, very confused crowd, and was unsure of whether he was more bewildered or embarrassed. "What the hell just happened, un?"

-meanwhile, across the food court-

Tobi had watched the entire spectacle with ever-increasing horror, wishing desperately that he could rescue his sempai from this public humiliation but at the same time knowing that it was for Deidara's own good. "Poor sempai," he whimpered.

"Om nom nom…"

"Must Zetsu eat popcorn while watching this?!"

Zetsu nodded, popping a few more kernels in his mouth as he did so. "This is perfect! Oooh, next week's episode is gonna have to be spectacular to beat this."

"Tobi is never going to take Zetsu's advice again. Ever."

"Mhm. They're out of sight by now; wanna reset the wish?"

"Yes please."

A snap of the fingers later, Tobi knew that his wishes had been reset, and he was definitely no closer to getting Deidara and Sasori together than he'd been before. If anything, the two were even less likely to get together now, despite Tobi's immediate attempts at damage control.

Tobi sighed and stole a handful of Zetsu's popcorn, much to the genie's dismay. Back to the drawing board then.