A/N: Taking whatever this is as slowly as possible.

Not Over You (Gavin Degraw)

"How long can you stay?" I asked him as he toweled off, fresh from the shower and trying his best to turn me on. Nobody wipes themselves that slowly and seductively but I had more important things on my mind.

"Not too long, maybe two days before I head back. I might be getting my papers soon to be overseas for awhile. They have been cherry picking the guys on base and since I got my wings, I've ranked higher than any other dude." He looked happy about this development but my heart was racing and the bottom was falling from under my feet.

"I can't do this alone." I blurted out, his face went still and then he gave me a terrifying gaze, one that I hadn't seen since Finn's funeral.

"Deployed or not, I'm in this and you heard Merna, she's the country's biggest fan. Me going overseas would just make her like me, us, even more. I mean you're set to be out of this joint in what two weeks?"

"Three." I said, bowing my head and looking down at my clenched hands. A million scenarios were running through my head as I imagined a life with Beth but no way to care for her. Maybe I wasn't ready.

Doubt was suddenly plaguing me. Was I any better off than when I gave her up in the first place?

"You're amazing you know that?" He said, his bare feet stepping into my line of sight just before his big hand cupped my chin and tipped my face up until I was looking into his eyes.

The tears that I had been holding back slid easily down my cheeks and I didn't have the energy to fight them.

"I'm not." I insisted.

"You are."

It had been ages since someone looked at me like Puck was doing in that moment and my insecurities got the best of me.

And him.

My skin burned at his touch and I couldn't knock away the undeniable feeling of guilt. I felt like I was cheating and I wasn't sure why.

But just like the events that led to Beth, I swallowed my feelings and gave into his touch.

He loved me and I was only human.

When I had sex with Santana, I walked away from it feeling more empowered, more self-assured, and filled with an incredible lightness that made me feel as if I was going to drift off into space.

That was not the feeling that Noah gave me.

I was anxious, depressed, and feeling dark and dirty.

What was I doing? What had I just done?

My assumption that I was a casual bisexual was shattered, maybe?

I can't label it, exactly, what I am.

But I can say without a doubt that I know what I'm not.

Not straight.

Not attracted to him.

Not over her.

I left him there; snoring, naked, in my bed, I felt like running.

My mind was already a million steps ahead, it was halfway through a marathon and I was wired.

With the moon shining way too brightly for me to sleep and with the world on my shoulder and my mind, my daughter, my future, her...

I had to get out of that room that was filled to the brim with Noah and the evidence of what we had just done.

The brief respite before Noah and I took things too far was great only for the simple fact that I was able to go on ignoring that Santana Lopez exists.

I was able to ignore the glaring hole in my heart that ached now, more than ever.

Of course, because I'm neurotic and polite, I left him a note before slipping away from his overbearing embrace.

My mind just kept doing it, kept comparing her to everyone else and it wasn't fair.

How could I wipe her away?

As I strolled through the lobby, I decided to check my mail to see what other things I had missed in my three week manic state.

Unfortunately for me, what I found didn't make anything feel better.

Q,

I wanted a long engagement but you know B, she has this way of getting me to do whatever she wants. The invitation (which I'm sure you'll ignore) will be coming soon and I didn't want you to be blindsided. You won't take my calls or answer my texts so I'm forced to write this. I love you.

S.

"Fuck you, Santana. Fuck you, for loving me." I muttered out loud, wishing that she was here to answer me.

But this wasn't a romance movie, there was nothing and no one to walk up the pathway and tell me that they would fuck me, if they could fuck me but they can't fuck me because of Brittany.

Fucking Brittany.

A/N: Short because I needed it to be. I hate this chapter, I may change it later, delete it even. My brain is muddled and I find myself needed a stiff drink this morning. Coffee shall suffice, I may just return later.

Who knows?

Not I, says the fly.