PAIN FOR REAL (RANDOM HUMOUR CHAPTER)
21st JAN 2010
DISCLAIMER
I do not own Naruto, or any of the characters involved. This is non profit.
'This' means someone is thinking.
Horizontal rulers (a line across the page) are page breaks.
-X- means timeskips.
AUTHORS NOTES
This collection of jokes and parody is a kind of apology for lateness of the fourth chapter... if any are still reading.
1a/ Things you didn't see on the manga (or anime)...
Sasuke fell to his knees, the brutal battle he had just fought against his evil brother a taken a toll. "Finally... gasp... i have avenged my family... and killed my brother..." A blinding flash of light stunned the half dead sharingan user. A human figure appeared from the light.
"Foolish little brother." Sasuke staggered back, his crimson eyes wide with terror and incomprehension.
"What! No! Itachi! You- you're dead. I killed you! Or rather, a never before mentioned, named or explained illness did."
The stoic elder Uchiha stared back at him. "Yes, Itachi as you knew him was killed by Kishimotoitis, but i have been reborn as... Itachi the white!" He gestured at his clothes that Sasuke for the first time noticed were blindingly white.
"Then i have no choice... i must use my new sharingan only super jutsu... waves of emo rage!"Twin beams of purple light erupted from Sasuke's eyes and engulfed the newly reanimated Itachi. Instantly he was disintegrated.
Another flash of light. Itachi is back again.
"You cannot destroy me... now i am... Itachi the turquoise!"
Sasuke looks on in disbelief. "This is ridiculous! You can't stop being dead just because your clothes are a different colour!" He splutters with rage over this revelation. "I mean what the hell kind of ridiculousness is this to resurrect yourself with the only side effect being a very minor appearance change?"
YEARS AGO...
"Yes! Itachi thought he had killed me to save his precious little brother, but i have used the forbidden sharingan technique (well, one of the 135 or so sharingan secret super jutsu) to resurrect myself as... Danzou the white!" The bandaged, one eyed man continued to monologue to thin air...
Years earlier... in the place known as the valley of the end...
"It worked! I have been reborn as... Madara the black!"
Silence.
"Because i used to dress all in white before..." 'Who the hell am i talking to?' The Uchiha patriarch wondered.
Naruto (during the retrieve Sasuke arc);
"Sasukkkeeeeee! Why are you running from me?"
The orange clad ninja stopped and thought for a moment.
"You know what? I do sound gay."
Rock Lee vs Sasuke;
"Time to use my Sharingan! NO ONE CAN STAND UP TO THE POWER OF THE EMO! SHARINGAN!" He tries to see Rock Lee's technique- instead he sees a bright red and white flag of some kind of leaf fluttering majestically behind him- strange uplifting music starts playing.
"What the hell?"
"Fool! My Canadian happy go lucky powers make me invulnerable to any emo powers!"
Sasuke freezes in terror.
"Eat sandal!" Lee boots Sasuke into the stratosphere.
Number 411- Team whatever meets Killerbee
Sasuke posed in his cape with his sword drawn.
"We're the ones who are going to use the Akatsuki, not the other way around." The Uchiha arrogantly boasted.
"No you won't! PAWN!" A voice from out of nowhere called out.
"Who said that?" Sasuke roared furiously, his monologue ruined.
Two things that should have been said when Sai shows up
Sai spoke- his unemotional words deeply insulting to the blonde Jinchuriki. "The last person i'd ever want to be compared to... is some traitorous cockroach who abandoned his village to join Orochimaru so he could get power..." Naruto twitched seething with fury;
(a) "How dare you... HOW DARE YOU TELL IT HOW IT IS!"
(b) Naruto twitched seething with fury. "How dare you...HOW DARE YOU AQUAINT ME WITH REALITY! I'm quite happy in my fantasy world you know!"
Several points in canon
One week later... "He's done it! Within one week Naruto's mastered (a) The elite ninja skill (b) Ultra S-class jutsu to a higher level than Kakashi, Jiraiya and the fourth Hokage and just in time to defeat... wait... doesn't this seem a little convenient?"
In number 403- to Itachi.
"If i catch you, i'll get to see sasuke again!"
He tears up, "Cos i can't live without him!"
"Err... yes..."
Itachi sneaks away as Naruto breaks down in tears...
During Naruto's battle with Pain
Konan turned to Nagato. "Nagato... what does your Rinnegan say about Naruto's power level?"
"It's over NINE THOUSAND!" The rinnegan wielder replied breathlessly.
"What! Nine thousand?" The kunoichi cried in her most annoying voice.
Number 412(a) – the fight with Killerbee
Sasuke is unable to cope with his weird opponents attacks- he is run through with the Hachibi container's swords.
"Gaaackkk! I..." Falls limp.
"He... he's dead!" Karin squealed.
TWO DAYS LATER...
"What are we doing again?" Siugetsu asked.
"We're attending Sasuke's funeral... he died remember?" She hissed in fury.
Number 412(b) - the fight with Killerbee
Sasuke lay dying on the floor, the two swords that pierced his chest had been crudely removed however his internal injuries were extreme. Standing above him Karin pulled her sleeve up to reveal an arm grotesquely covered with bite marks.
"Here! Hurry up and bite me Sasuke!"
The 'last' Uchiha bit down into her flesh- the 'Kunoichi' reared her head back and gasped as though in ecstasy from the wounded man driving his teeth through her flesh.
"Wha... i'm not healing..." Sasuke gasped out.
"Of course not,." Karin responded. "But this turned me on."
Sasuke looked up at the deranged female murderously. "You... sick bitch... urrghhh..." He dies in the fangirl's arms.
The Sasuke/ Itachi battle
Sasuke was desperate- he had just used his most devastating jutsu (Kirin) on Itachi only for it to be of no effect against the elder Uchiha's 'Susanoo' jutsu. His paper bomb tagged kuni had no effect on the approaching ethereal dreadnought- they didn't even slow it down. Sasuke gulped and built up what was left of his chakra after this brutal battle. Steeling himself he decided...
"I have no choice... i must use my ultimate jutsu... the first ever SS class jutsu!" Inside the ethereal summoned warrior Itachi wondered what his brother had in store as a desperate last shot.
"Run away no jutsu!" Sasuke turned and ran away. Itachi gaped through near blind eyes.
"You bastard! I can only use this jutsu once!" He roared.
During the timeskip
Kabuto stood up from his sick, inhuman experiments and saw his master Orochimaru with an unfamiliar gaunt figure in a robe standing besides him.
"Kabuto." The snake sannin announced.
"This is my brother Voldemort, he'll be staying for at least a week."
"Glasses..." The being- even more bizarre looking than Orochimaru hissed. "I hate people who wear thick glasses."
'What's his problem?'Kabuto thought.
Number 412- Hax!Bunshin for last minute Senjutsu power up
"They exponentially increase my progress." Naruto explained.
"What does exponentially mean?" The toad elder asked.
"I don't know i just thought it sounds cool." Naruto grinned stupidly.
Many points in canon
Naruto stood in thought, "You know something has occurred to me; i now have a jutsu (Rasenshuriken) that actually works at intermediate and long range... and all it took me was three years of training with a Sannin and countless complaints and letter bombs by the fans for me to learn at least one C-rank jutsu- Katon Goukakyuu, Fuuton Daitoppa, anything that doesn't require me to get right up in the enemies face for it to work. Hey maybe next week it'll turn out Itachi's crowjob powerup will be a one time psychic attack that will do the same job as a Chuunin level genjutsu." Everyone tuned him out as he continued to whine about his character mismanagement.
That part when Sai appears
"Mokuton schichuka no jutsu!" Yamato used his unique abilities to create a huge three storey inn out of nowhere. The other ninja looked at the supernatural construct in wonder.
"Hey does this place have a tv?" Naruto asked.
"Now how the hell would i create that using wood control?" Yamato responded.
Consistency?
Naruto pointed at Orochimaru in fury. "Get that motherfucking snake off this motherfucking plane!"
Sakura bopped Naruto hard.
"Naruto! We don't have airplanes in this universe..."
Stops in thought for a moment. "Or maybe we do. It's not like anything is consistent anymore."
Number 408 – 11thhour powerup
Lord Fukasaku looked at Naruto, a gleam in his intelligent yet inhuman eyes. "I'll train ya in Senjutsu at mount Myoboku. But i'm warning you..." The toad elder closed his eyes and adopted a serious air. "The training will be harsh, rigorous... even dangerous. It took Lord Jiraiya years to utilise Senjutsu to its fullest extent..." He opens his eyes. "Wha? Oh, you completely mastered it when i wasn't looking."
The confrontation of the century- Sasuke vs the X-man's Jean Grey
Jean Grey: "I am the Phoenix! My power, my very nature is to endlessly reincarnate stronger and more beautiful than before."
Sasuke stood there frozen in horror and disbelief. "Y- you can't have a superpower that allows you to resurrect yourself an infinite number of times, its too... my god i can't believe i'm going to say it... it's... too cheap!"
The invasion of Pain
"Where's he getting this stuff? I've seen less dues ex machina in the god weapons on SG-1!"
Pains silver eyes widened as though in pain.
"Stop... breaking the fourth wall! Yeeeaaarrrgggghhhh!"
1b/ What the characters would never say in the manga (or anime).
Sasuke held Naruto's hands staring into his cerulean orbs with fire in his dark eyes, "Don't you see Naruto! We can buy a ranch on a mountain and live like cowboys!"
-X-
"I am a successful, competent kunoichi."
-X-
Sasuke eyed the passing woman up and down, his eyes shining with lust. "Mmmm-mmm. Damn girl you are fine!"
-X-
Naruto walked with Sasuke in hand. "I love Konoha after dark; the quiet, the stars the lights... oh great looks like granny Tsunade set the building on fire again."
-X-
Rock Lee; "I am in the springtime of my youth and will be until i am of legal age!"
-X-
Sakura; "I'm gonna... Oh what's the point?"
-X-
Any character; "This doesn't make any sense."
-X-
Sakura; "You know what? Let's talk this out in a calm, civilised manner. Violence will solve nothing."
-X-
Sasuke; "Enough about me, let's talk about you."
-X-
Robopain; "I have to go. Somewhere there is a crime happening."
-X-
Killerbee; "I'm on the road to Viridian city..."
-X-
Naruto; "I understand your explanation completely." The expression of understanding in his eyes supported this.
-X-
Pain; "I am Pain! I am god! I am an alcoholic!"
-X-
Sasuke: "I think my dreams for the future are best described... iiiiiin soooooonnnnnng!"
-X-
Suigetsu; "Sasuke, i don't think you appreciate my opinion. I WANT A SUGGESTION BOX!"
-X-
Suigetsu again; "Also i don't think you appreciate my needs. I have needs dammit!"
-X-
Any character; "Child of prophecy... who comes up with this shit?"
2/ Konoha has TV's- so what's on?
"This is KNN, the Konoha News Network. Keeping the village scared since... whenever the hell the village was founded. First, Gai-bo. Created by jounin Mighto Gai, this bizarre trend in exercise videos has taken Konoha by storm..."
-X-
"And the first stage of the tour de Konoha cycle race is over. The kunoichi have taken the lead as all male competitors have been struck down by testes tortion...") All male viewers recoil on agony at the reporters news.)
-X-
Naruto (without using a clone finally) generates a rasengan. The whirling sphere of chakra grew in size until the orb was larger than a building, with Naruto holding it above his head it looked like an ant holding a blue sun.
-X-
The camera pans out revealing a man ina very sharp suit. He spoke up in a strong, clear voice. "New, the hyper, super, mega, uber, giant, great ball rasengan- a rasengan so big it destroys whole villages and..." The weight of the ridiculously sized ball of death is too much; Naruto drops the ball and is instantly vaporised by the ridiculously oversized and impractical jutsu. The salesman grimaced, then turned back to the camera. "It's the biggest rasengan yet... in fact it's too big. Use the rasengan one level down. Turns out you can't get a whirling ball of doom bigger than that."
-X-
"Tonight on Nukenin reunited: Kisame and Zabuza connect by reminescing about their academy days..." Cut to Momochi Zabuza and Hoshigaki Kisame sitting in comfortable high back chairs.
-X-
"It's antiques roadshow with your host; Sarutobi Hiruzen."
Sarutobi steps onto screen. "Have you ever seen a scroll like this?" He asks while holding up a ridiculously oversized scroll.
The national jutsu awards
"And the award for cheapest jutsu ever goes to..." The crowd of civilians and ninja vying for this prestigious award are on edge...
"Uzumaki naruto- for his toad-fu training which in two weeks made him more powerful than two and a half years training with a Sannin." Naruto stood up crying his eyes out. Itachi screws up his programme and storms out of the arena in a huff, Nagato (or at least the god realm) just glared ahead in anger with Konan wearing a risqué dress fretting over his anger. Madara simply turned ghost like and faded through the floor in a dejected manner. The so called last sharingan user, Uchiha Sasuke throws a piece of paper at the guy in front of him. "Naruto? My agent said i had this category sown up!"
-X-
"Would you like sex with no strings attached? Go ask my whore of an ex girlfriend."
-X-
"Next on the Jerry Springer show; People with extreme emotional problems; lunatics who think they're god, revenge crazed emos, and loud mouth retards. Oh my!"
3/ Things Tsunade really shouldn't have said as Hokage:
"I believe in openness, and transparency. That is why my new tight fitting shirt is open and my GGG sized bra is transparent." Every male in attendance is on the ground with a nosebleed.
-X-
"Shizune! Take a memo. 'Kill everyone that stares at my freakishly large boobs'."
'That's every male except Naruto then.' Shizune thought.
-X-
"In this time of tension i feel that i should reach out to the leader of Iwagakure, the Tsuchikage, and say- i got your son drunk and rode him like a stallion until he screamed in ecstasy and passed out." Tsunade made several obscene gestures then continued with a perverse look on her face. "My god the things that boy can do with noodles..." The Tsuchikage (in attendance) looks like his head is going to explode with rage.
-X-
"The truth? Okay, i let a dangerous, incredibly powerful, mentally imbalanced traitor run amok for three years because i wanted my pseudo little brother to save him and bring him back to the village so they can all be friends again."
-X-
"Cue the slow motion images of random village locations and the emotionally uplifting music- it's more interesting than this paperwork!"
-X-
"If ya thought Sarutobi was a prick, watch this!"
End of random Naruto humour. The real Pain for real chapter 4 should be up soon.