The Miscalculations of River Tam by Lady Cailin

Chapter Title: Gun-Point Apologies

Disclaimer: Serenity, Firefly and related materials are copyright Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy Productions, and subsequent companies. This Fan Fiction was not produced, and is not intended to be reproduced, for profit. No infringement of said copyrights is intended by the author.

Summary: River miscalculates. PG

Gorram crazy girl snuck into his bunk that night.

Jayne left dinner before eatin. Somethin he hadn't hardly ever done in his life. He ignored the angry questions from Mal, and the concern from Kaylee, and the smart-ass comments from the Doc. He just went back to his bunk, closed the hatch, and wrapped himself around his best girl. Waiting.

He didn't know how he knew she'd be climbing her way down that ladder. Fact was, he was trying not to think. He'd been trying to do that an awful lot lately. Too much, if you asked him. He'd never had to stop himself thinking before. Time was he'd had to force himself to think.

Not anymore. Not since Miranda.

Hell, since before that. He'd been restless too long now, even Mal had noticed it. Seemed things didn't settle him inside the way they'd used to. Took more drink, more sweat, and more trim to calm the itch to move these days. He'd never had to quiet his head before, just exhaust his body. He'd felt unsatisfied for months, like somethin was wrong inside, only he didn't know what. He'd known it was a problem, but he weren't a man to examine himself too close, hadn't ever had a need to before.

Now he knew.

Gorram girl'd been in his head. He'd heard her there tonight, so there weren't no denying she had been. She knew he'd heard her too. It had been written all over her wide-eyed face that she knew he'd heard her, which just proved she'd been snooping on him this whole time. Hell, she could have done all manner of things he didn't know about. What did they all really know about that psychic training she'd been given at her government school? Girl could probably make him juggle his guns and dance around like a trained monkey if she wanted to.

Well Jayne Cobb was a man who believed in self preservation, and he weren't nobody's toy. There were just some things it was worth getting' thrown out the airlock for. Protectin his brains happened to be one of 'em. Damned if he weren't going to blow the girls brains out next time she went peekin' in his. So he kept Vera close, and listened to the sound of his own breathing, and tried not to think as he waited for the sounds of the crew settling in for the night to putter off and silence to fill the ship. Didn't take much longer after that for the girl to spirit her way down his ladder and into his bunk.

She didn't look too surprised to have Vera's barrel aimed at the middle of her forehead when she climbed down into his bunk. Didn't even look like she blamed him much. He looked right back at her from across the scope, and he let her know with his eyes that he'd put her down if she breathed wrong.

The air between them was dusty in the dimmed lighting cycle before bed, and he could smell the scent of the oil he had used to clean and polish Vera yesterday. The grip beneath his fingertips was rough, and his aim was steady. The girl sat down slowly, next to the ladder and as far away from him as she could.

And that's when he heard it.

I'm sorry.

It weren't even hearing really, because he wasn't hearing it with his ears. It was hearing, and feeling, and seeing what was in her head. She really was sorry. He could feel the ache shooting from her heart down to her finger tips when she thought on just how sorry she was. He could feel the pressure behind her eyes and the slight sting of tears as they started to fill her brown eyes. He could feel her throat working not to choke itself on how sorry she was. Could feel it like it was his throat, and he had to take a breath to convince himself it wasn't.

He was a big man, and a tough man, but he was scared as hell when he heard that voice in his head again. If he hadn't been so confused in feeling what she was feeling, he might have been busy feeling that fear, and then he would have shot her.

"What the hell did you do to me?," his voice was rough and uneven, and he kept swallowing against the tightness in her throat, but it wouldn't leave his.

Images came at him quickly then. That night months ago on Peragus that he'd returned to the boat early after being thrown out of a bar. The others had remained in town late, and Serenity had been empty except for him and one drugged-up crazy girl. She sent him memories of the fear and confusion of that night, all jumbled up with nightmares of cold tables and things they had done at the Academy. He tried to close his eyes to shut out the things flashing behind them, but it all kept coming. It all built and built until the moment he heard a memory of his own thoughts, and felt her throw herself at him in absolute desperation. Their minds slammed together, and he knew that had been the moment it had all changed. He knew it because she knew it.

A miscalculation, she called it in her head. An error.

He put down the gun, and cradled his head in his shaking hands.

Jayne liked things simple. Weren't nothing simple about this. Her feelings were all tangled up inside with his own, and he didn't know what to do. Worse then that, neither did she. Gorram genius. Smarter than 99.97 of the population, her head told him. But she didn't know what to do. Didn't know how to fix this.

A single tear trickled down to meet her lips, and he could taste the salt.

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