"Boy next door…"
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~Chapter 4 - Tortured Times
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Remember when I took you
Up to the top of the hill?
We had our knives drawn.
They were as sharp
As we were in love.
If god crossed us
We'd take all his drugs,
Burn his money
And his house down,
And wait for the fire to spread.
But sometimes hate is not enough
To turn this all to ashes.
Together as one
Against all others
Break all of their wings and
Make sure it crashes
We're running to the
Edge of the world
Running, running away
We're running to the edge of the world
I don't know if the world will end today
I had no choice,
I erased the debt of our family,
Let you say goodbye
With lips like dynamite.
Everyone turned their backs
Because they knew
When we held on tight
To each other,
We were something fatal,
That fell into the wrong hands.
(Marilyn Manson - Running to the edge of the world)
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Close the blinds so I can't see what he's doing…
I can't look out my window…
…and watch him do terrible things…
Close the blinds…
Pretend what was seen; isn't happening…
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Thanks to the Ambien, I slept like a baby last night… Except; I had the most peculiar dream. I dreamt that I woke up to find Edward standing in my room. I could remember a crashing noise as I tried to sit up…but by the time I woke up he was gone…just a dream…
And the dose of Focalin from this morning was getting me through Biology. Edward slid his little note from last night in my direction. I tried not to smile…Scratching out brother, I'd modified it to read…
Like a drunk village idiot - I scrawled out in my black pen before sliding it back.
"Keep your eyes on your own paper…" Kudla scolded Edward. I exhaled a sigh of relief that it wasn't me….this time.
"This isn't a test…?" Edward retorted; asking, confused.
"It is now; you can all thank Mr. Masen later…Get out a fresh sheet of paper." Kudla announced clapping his hands for us to make haste. Fuck…
"First question - What are the different phases of events during animal cell mitosis?" Various classmates huffed and grumbled under their breath…myself included.
"You should have all of those definitions memorized…" Kudla scolded as he seated himself on the corner of the lab table in front of the class; he'd often use it to conduct experiments. I tried to remember the phases; my second year I should know this shit…
Interphase -
Prophase -
Prometaphase -
That was as far as I got when the bell rang. I hadn't finished writing all of the phases, nor had I started on the definitions. I looked over at Edward…his paper didn't have much more written on it…
"Bring them up to the front. Suppose I'll be grading them on penmanship…" If it were any other teacher I'd doubt the sincerity of that statement, but it was Kudla. I reluctantly turned in my paper before leaving his class. Fuck my life…
Then we had a pop quiz on ceramics in Art class; it was a crossword puzzle… I only managed to fill in two answers.
7-Across. This is the technique of building ceramic forms by rolling out ropes of clay and joining them together with the fingers or a tool. Coil
11-Down. This is the process of heating the pottery to a specific temperature in order to bring about a particular change in the clay or the surface. Firing
I would have had number eleven wrong too if she hadn't explained what she were doing with our coiled pottery before the test; informing us they'd be ready to glaze tomorrow after their first firing…
I didn't need to wait for tomorrow to know I was failing miserably…Two out of sixteen wasn't going to get me a passing grade. I popped a couple of Lexapro before English, I was running out of time and needed to get started on that stupid fucking poem…
At lunch; I raised the hood on my jacket before folding my arms on the table; to make a perfect cave in which I could bury my face and hide. Complete darkness; sadly it wasn't sound proof.
I'd heard a chair from my table squeak across the floor; I didn't bother to look up. Figuring the table next door was borrowing a chair, per usual. Instead I dwelled on my studies…and the fact Edward was back to ignoring me since our Biology test.
Until a gentle rapping came at my head; a tugging at the front of my hood. I slowly raised my head…expecting to be told again by lunchroom staff that I couldn't sleep here… Instead it was Edward, who'd quickly pushed a tray of food into my folded arms.
"If you're going to be taking medication, you need to eat…" Edward quipped as he reached down onto his tray; grabbing a slice of pizza. I grabbed the red apple off of my tray, before casting the rest aside. Edward was scolding me with his eyes as he chewed, and eventually nudged the tray back in my direction.
I took a moment to scan the lunchroom, seeking out evidence that I weren't in fact dreaming. I couldn't believe Edward was sitting in front of me; sharing lunch… And what about Tanya? I shifted my gaze toward her table…to see her sitting with… Mike…
"Ouch, and to Mike…" I winced; with a mocking pained expression until I couldn't hide my amusement any longer.
"So…what's your excuse?" Edward raised a brow, tearing away another bite from his slice of pizza…
"What?" I asked; lost. Edward shook his head at me as he chewed, swallowing…he took a drink from his can of Coke….and after a long pause…
"You look like shit, eat something…" I wished he hadn't reminded me…
"Two pop quizzes…and I'm sure I failed both…" I exhaled, before raising the apple to my lips… I wasn't hungry. Disgusted with myself; definitely.
"I'm hoping for C's…" Edward wore a smug grin…
"I'd settle for barely passing…" I took a bite from my apple. The syrupy sweet mingled with the bitterness of the skin. The experience made me realize it had been a long time since I'd eaten food that wasn't dispensed from a vending machine. Soda and chocolate; …I could live on it, I do… I choked down the bite, discarding the apple on my tray. Edward frowned at me, tossing his pizza onto his tray…he shifted his gaze toward Tanya's table.
"She told me she could do better…" He spoke in a long exhale, before laughing.
"She did, Mike's a better match." I quipped, as I snatched his can of Coke from his tray.
"And since when do you know anything about match making? Aside from thinking that ugly hooded jacket you wear goes with everything…" His tone was light hearted; still it made me feel like a bitch.
"You're supposed to be my friend and tell me I could do better…or some shit." He laughed, resting his head on his palm; leaning closer… and I was lost in his vibrant emerald green eyes. The eyes that peered through the hedge to meet mine for the very first time. The eyes I met in my mother's garden. The eyes that comforted from behind rain spattered glass on a stormy night…
"You could…I rattle when I walk." I reminded him; the boy I used to know...
"I've got room for improvement too.." He admitted, lowering his arm and casting his tray aside.
"I don't need your sympathy…" Saved by the bell…I rose, discarding the contents of my lunch tray with Edward tight at my heels.
"Good; because I don't have anymore to give…" He retorted, before heading in the opposite direction.
"Meet me after school, parking lot 3N." He shouted above the hustle of the crowd down the hall…
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I'm slowly killing myself from the inside out;
I don't want your lies, burning deep inside.
I don't want your sympathy…
Poison; is my antidote.
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I accepted Edward's ride home. We studied Biology in his den with music videos playing in the background on the television. We'd both become distracted at different points…Still; I was making better progress with Edward's help; I was almost caught up in Biology by the time dinner rolled around.
"The other day…when I kissed you; what were you thinking?" He asked casually - quietly, as we cleaned up our books and crap; to get ready for dinner…
"You don't want to know…" I laughed softly, slightly nervous…more so when I was sitting across from him at the dinner table.
Dinner went well. Charlie was interested in hearing about Edward's efforts to help me. I think he just wanted to make sure I wasn't having any fun; being grounded and all…forever.
It went so well that Elizabeth and Charlie decided they wanted to go out for dessert. As painless as it would probably be; I had a poem to write. Edward appeared annoyed at my refusal to go.
By the time I collected my things, Charlie and Elizabeth had already bundled up and were heading out. Edward was nowhere to be seen. I felt like we were always taking one step forward, only to take two steps back…
I rounded the staircase, wearing my jacket; books in hand…I knocked gently on Edward's door.
"It's open…" Edward's voice called from the other side of the door. I turned the knob and pushed it open. I already had his space memorized, there wasn't anything in his room I hadn't already seen… Edward was sitting in the wooden chair of his desk, pushed out far enough to reach the window.
"I want my stuff…" I reminded him I hadn't forgotten; I kept up with my end of the bargain.
"You can come in you know…" His statement made me question whether I looked awkward waiting in the door.
"No girls…but, well you're the exception to the rule." He stammered; rising from his seat, he moved to the side of his desk and came away with a massive stack of papers, bound in various stacks with paperclips. He set them to rest on his dresser beside the door.
"There's your half…" He motioned to the stack of papers
"Half?" I questioned, noting the first page was in his pen.
"Yes, half. You know - there's he said, she said, …and somewhere in the middle you'll find truth. You have your truth and I have mine."
"How is that fair? I just want mine back."
"I don't have to give you any of it…" He shrugged.
"Well, what if I want your half? I'm sure my half is of the less embarrassing material."
"Since you threw your half away, I suppose that's up for my discretion isn't it?" He laughed…thumbing the top pages on the dresser. I threw my books on top of the stack, they nearly caught Edward's fingers as they dropped. I stepped in to raise the stack…
"…and why am I the exception to the no girl rule?" I asked; curious. Charlie hadn't forgotten a teenage boy was living next door;…and there were no exceptions to his rules.
"My mother thinks that if it hasn't happened yet; it's not likely to happen." I nodded as if that made sense…Yup, Elizabeth thought I was a lesbian…
"So maybe we shouldn't tell her we… uh.." Edward laughed..
"You kissed me…" I blurted…
"Consider it the seven year itch; I just wanted to make sure I wasn't getting rusty…" Edward retorted, resting a hand on the corner of his dresser. My hands were full with the stack of papers and books, his chin nearly rest at the top of the stack as he leaned into me. Suddenly I felt intimidated by the proximity of his presence.
"You were with Tanya…" Rolled off my tongue…I think my disgusted expression said it all…
"You weren't the other woman Bella…" Edward laughed.
"We're just friends; more of an acquaintance actually…" He continued to try to beat that statement into my head.
"I know, and we weren't even friends… I can only imagine how you treat your friends these days…" I poked fun, still doubting his relationship with Tanya. Tanya couldn't be just friends; with anyone who had a penis.
"Don't provoke me…" He smiled; always so fucking smug and gorgeous…
"I better get started on my English paper…" I excused myself…Edward walked me to his door…and waited on his porch, watching to see that I made it in alright…
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Blahhhhh
Blahhhhhhhh, blahhhhh
He speaks with pauses that shouldn't be there…I've memorized how his lips round his words.
His heart fails to mention my name; I scream his. I've been caught swimming in his eyes again…
Safe and secure in the warmth of a smile. And you still wonder; do I love you? Would yes be right? Or is it no? But we never ask; still time flows.
He kills me and keeps me alive. A stranger; who doesn't know me anymore. And now we bruise with every step.
Lips quivering with the words I can't possibly speak. I'll be your friend…
La la la la la
Blah!
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Charlie had gone to bed for the night…reminding me of the hour; it was late.
Rough draft after rough draft, I had nothing. Except; Edward on my mind. I raised the blind on my window…to find Edward, hanging out of his; cigarette trapped between his lips. I turned the latch and raised my window open…Startling Edward, he dropped his cigarette…
"Meet me downstairs…" He requested. Leaving his room before I had time to respond. Eventually I saw him come around, he bent over…waving his hand through the grass beside the house. When he'd come away with his lost cigarette he looked up.
"You coming?" He whispered; as he leaned into the side of his house. Taking a drag…the embers sparked brightly again on the end of his smoke.
I didn't know why I was going…Charlie would kick my ass if he caught me outside at this hour. The smell hit me before I could make out his face clearly in the dark.
"Where did you get that shit?" Entirely curious… It wasn't as if I hadn't ever thought of scoring some green; living with Charlie left those opportunities few and far in between…
"Mike.." Edward exhaled, extending the pinched fingers that held his joint.
"A parting gift for the runner up…?" I teased, scoring the joint from his hand I took a slow drag.
"Tanya deals in drugs, not blow jobs… She hasn't tried to sell me one; yet..." He laughed…I choked, coughing on the harsh smoke in my attempt to laugh.
"Fuck.." Eventually I caught my breath; to take another drag before handing it back to Edward.
"What are you doing tomorrow night?" Edward blurted; anxious.
"Working on my English paper.." I sighed in an exhale of smoke…
"Friday?" It felt too formal to be making plans with Edward… It wasn't as if we wouldn't see each other around…
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Don't do drugs…
Because if you do drugs
You'll go to prison…
…And drugs are really expensive; in prison…
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Just when I thought I was over the hump of Wednesday….Thursday went to hell. I mistakenly thought my English paper was due Friday and after spending nearly a week working on it; I had absolutely nothing to turn in…
By the time lunch rolled around, I just wanted to cry… and I did, to Edward…All of my grades were teetering on a slippery slope downhill.
"What was the assignment?" Edward asked, reaching onto his tray to grab a few fries.
"A poem…" I said it like I meant it…BLAH! It was enough to have Edward shaking his head.
"You couldn't write a poem? Even I could write a poem in like…what, a minute…" He scoffed. I challenged him with my stare; smirking…
"You know like…um, roses are red, violets are blue, even if I were blind; I could still see you."
"…because I rattle." I laughed; poking fun at myself.
"You should have turned in something; fucking effort has to count for something right?" He was right…again.
"I'd give you an E for effort…" I retorted… It was too late; English was last period. He laughed at my response to his little poem…
"Since you don't have an English paper…" Edward asked
"I'm grounded." I reminded him.
I spent the rest of my day trying not to dwell on English…and Biology, and Art…; I had to pay attention and get my shit together before I'd fall further behind.
Getting high with Edward after school took away the sting. By the time dinner rolled around; Edward was sleeping…and didn't bother coming down. I regretted going to dinner.
I took an Ambien when I got home; joining Edward in la-la land…
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You haunt even the darkest corners of my memory…
At night; when we should be dreaming…
Your name lingers on the tip of my tongue; breathe…
To sleep; give ourselves away…
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By Friday I felt confident; relieved the week was over… Dinner was cancelled, Charlie left me money to order in. He was going to be working overtime with the big Valentine's Day dance going on tonight…I saw the decorations and flyers, heard the reminders for the past month at school - I don't dance…
I considered asking Edward if he wanted to hang out; instead I caught him dressing for the dance. It was definitely a gratifying moment…before the rejection sank in. I didn't bother to ask…
You going? -Edward paused in fastening the buttons on his red shirt; to hold up a note.
To the dance? -Before flipping to the second page…I breathed, exhaling onto the cold glass… I wiped away the steam with a finger to remind Edward I was…
Grounded - I cleared away the remaining smog on the glass with my hand. With Edward's messages seeming pre-meditated, I was somewhat flattered he'd been planning on asking.
I have to go - He posted, then flipped to a new page.
Pick up my date -In that moment; I wished he had put all of the text on one page. So the print would be smaller… So; I didn't have to read it… I lowered my blinds as Edward reached for his jacket.
A thousand thoughts were running through my head with a few Lexapro; when the doorbell startled me. I couldn't even think about eating the pizza I had ordered… but I still had to pay for it. Fuck my life…
"Edward…" Seeing him up close…wow, he cleaned up well. And he smelled…ahhhmazing!
"You're going to be late…" To pick up your date… As tempted as I was to ask, no demand…Who? I didn't have the balls…
"Am I late?" He shoved his hands in the front pockets of his jacket, smug expression on his face.
"Aren't you?" I asked… As the pizza delivery guy walked up to exchange my cash for the pizza.
"For the dance, yes…Pizza, never." Edward laughed softly, taking the pizza from my hands he walked past me…letting himself in. I closed the door, spinning around in a moment of confusion before I'd tracked Edward down in the kitchen. He'd already removed his jacket, making himself at home; and was now working on getting acquainted with my pizza…
Edward reached into the pizza box…
"I'm…"
"Grounded…" He cut me off…finishing my statement.
"Aren't you going to the dance?" I asked, confused.
"No, I've seen you dance…" He laughed softly.
"Thanks…" If it were anyone else, I would have been mortified…with Edward it was just honest.
"Grab a jacket…"
"Okay…for?" Was he high?
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Despite our differences and stupid fights…
we always got back together.
If there were others in between break ups…
it was always about him.
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No, but we did, get high - behind his garage.
I felt like we were fourteen again... I put a scratch in Charlie's cruiser with my bike and he made me detail it as punishment; Edward supervised. When I found the bag of weed wedged in the back seat, immediately I thought of giving it to Charlie; but Edward had other ideals. We held onto it for about three hours before we were brave enough to smoke it… - behind his garage.
And then we watched…
"Harold and Kumar go to White Castle?" Edward asked in an exhale of smoke. I laughed; it was almost as if he could read my mind.
The expression on Edward's face when he came out of his kitchen with a bag of Cheetos and a few cans of Coke made me wonder if he were intentionally making it seem like déjà vu…
Elizabeth had volunteered to chaperone the dance. It wasn't as if I hadn't expected it; she often volunteered at the school library too. I couldn't lie to myself; being alone with Edward made me nervous.
We settled under a blanket… It was just like old times, except we didn't sit quite as close. At first I was high enough to be paranoid; noticing the tension, awkwardness. It faded with our laughter; and the constant nudging - fighting over the bag of Cheetos.
At some point during the movie; our laughter must have faded enough for me to doze off…or perhaps it was the comforting warmth Edward exuded under the blanket…the refreshing clean pleasant smell of his skin…
Edward stretched; I rose from the nook of his arm… He reached forward and grabbed the remote, turning the television off.
"Why?" WTFBBQ? The movie wasn't over yet.
"I should get you home." Edward rose from the couch, stretching as he ran a hand along the back of his neck.
"Yeah…" I agreed. I crawled out from under the blanket; somewhat groggy…It took me a moment to find my shoes…I slipped them on and began lacing…
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~End Chapter 4 - Tortured Times
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