Today I'm chasing a rainbow.

It had been raining all day until about twenty minutes ago, that's when I saw it in the sky. Usually I couldn't care less, it's nothing but an illusion of water and light. A meaningless sight that people want to believe in. They want to see some sort of promise, some sort of hope, a dream in water and light.

Pathetic.

It's childish to believe in things like that. To think that there is some magical power in inanimate objects. To find some illusion so precious and meaningful. Refract some light and suddenly it's special. Suddenly people find some sort of myth behind it or legend that spreads like a disease. Before you know it, thousands are sick believers.

All for an illusion.

Today I am sick. I'm sick with the cancer of believing in such petty things. The moment I laid eyes on this rainbow, I had to have it. I wanted it. I thought that... maybe, just maybe, if I could catch it...

It's so stupid. Such a childish thing to think.

Maybe if I could catch it, I could give it to Tori. Then maybe she would know how I felt about her. She would understand and want to be with me. That somehow the rainbow would tell her all the things that I couldn't. It would apologize, it would mend things, and it would bring us back together. All from a rainbow. A refraction of light. An illusion.

This is my myth. My belief. This is how I see the rainbow.

All of this came to me twenty minutes ago. I grabbed the closest thing to me that I could find that could hold something and bolted out my front door. I've been driving ever since. I'm not really sure where I am, I'm just taking whatever street looks like it will take me closer to the rainbow. I'm driving well over the speed limit and weaving between cars, but none of it phases me. I don't have much time left before the rainbow disappears. If I can't catch it, Tori will never want me.

In the back of my mind my sanity is screaming that this is crazy. From the whole logic behind it to me almost killing myself through reckless driving. But today I don't care. I want to be insane for an hour. I want to believe in all those things that I belittle and spit on. Today I'm taking a step in wicked faith that this rainbow will do some sort of miracle for me. Today I am a child.

I dart around a few more cars, hearing colorful language and car horns as I take a sharp turn.

And just to my luck, my phone starts ringing.

"I hate you now
So go away from me
You're gone, so long
I can do better, I can do better
Hey, hey you
I found myself again
That's why you're gone
I can do better, I can do better"

I growl at the personalized ringtone and answer my phone.

"What" I snap taking another sharp turn one handed.

"Alright, remind me not to call you to find out if you're alive ever again" He says.

"What do you want Beck" I snap again.

"You didn't show up to school today..." He trails off.

"And you care because...?"

"Considering how our last conversation went, I wouldn't have been surprised if I had seen your name in the news that night" He says annoyed

"Well I'm fine and I'm driving, bye." I say as my tires screech.

"Jade wait- don't drive while you're in this mood, pull over or something" Funny how he almost sounded concerned there for a second.

"No" I answer simply.

"Don't be difficult Jade, you and I know nothing good will come from this." He reasons.

Well here's my reason.

"Yeah, go fuck yourself Beck." I say before hanging up on him.

I white-knuckle the steering wheel and start praying that the rainbow stays where it is.

I know I'm being a huge ass to Beck but I have no desire for his sympathy. Granted, our last talk would cause any normal person some concern, but I'm Jade West. The last thing I'm gonna do is bow out of a life hardly lived, especially leaving it where it is.

It was just a brief moment of weakness. He caught me at a low point. I just started scarring and explaining it was like ripping my skin open all over again.

But now at least it's out. At least I was able to tell one person.

Tori and I broke up because I wanted-want... to marry her. I'll never forget that moment. The moment I hurt her the most, from what she told me.

I messed up yet again, but I mean, it was her fault too. She provoked me. She got under my skin and naturally I bit back. It was stupid really. It was just another one of my little charades at a party.

She didn't want to go and I didn't care. She was still goody-two-shoes Vega and it was making me nauseous. I needed a little danger. A little venom. She had been bitching at me all week about my bad habits and how disrespectful I was being to her family, it pissed me off. I am the way I am, no one changes that, not even Vega. She fell in love with a bitch, what else was she expecting?

One beer wasn't going to impair my judgment. Never has before. She didn't own me, she had no right to tell me not to.

She humiliated me in front of my peers. Went on (loudly) about how I had promised her that I wouldn't ever do anything to upset her and how she didn't want me to do it. She went on about things I had promised to her and how I was breaking them. She wasn't just talking about this one time, she was talking about all the times. For some reason all of the things she kept silent when we fought or when I'd mess up came out at that moment.

It's true, I did promise a lot of things. I had promised it all when we were alone. Alone in those special moments when I wasn't the Jade West everyone feared, it was when I was Tori's Jade. When I was vulnerable and let my guard down for her. Then she just went and exploited it like that in front of people.

I was livid.

And like I said, I bit back. There are things about Tori Vega that only I knew too. Things she had felt or done that she opened up to me about. That's part of what made me want a future with her. She wasn't this one sided Disney Princess that I thought she was. There was much more to her, dark things, scary things, depressing things, the list goes on. And right there in the midst of not necessarily A-class students I outed her. In a split second we turned on each other and were enemies all over again.

I don't need to rethink exactly what was said. It's not something I think I can even bear. I said some pretty awful things, but I mean... she provoked me right?

Needless to say we immediately left, with her in tears.

After we got back to my place we had it out. I got on her about what she had said and somewhere in the mix I let slip that she can't go ape shit on me like that if I was going to marry her. Then I polished it off with, "Don't you ever do that again.". I towered over her in that moment. I really thought I had won... and then with one word I took a blade to the heart with her on the other end.

"No"

That's all she said. No. She didn't want to marry me. After all the things I gave to her, after all I had done she didn't want to marry me.

"Not like this Jade... we can't be like this"

"Watch it asshole!" I hear someone yell, ripping me out of my thoughts.

You have no idea the amount of self-control it took for me not to yell obscenities back. I have to stay focused. I'll give this damn rainbow five minutes tops before it disappears and my hope goes with it. All I have to do is catch it and it'll fix something between Tori and I. I sound absolutely bat shit crazy but I promise, I promise this will fix something, anything.

"No no no no..." I repeat as the street I'm on becomes a dead end.

I come to a complete stop and look out the driver's side window. I immediately rip off my seat belt and turn my car off before bolting out and into a park.

It's fading.

I'm sprinting with my jar in my hand and my eyes on the sky. I trip a few times not being able to see my footing, but none the less keep running as fast as my legs can carry me.

It's just over that small hill over there... I'm so close.

"Not like this Jade, we can't be like this"

We love each other, of course we can be like this. I'll give you this rainbow and then we'll be together.

I trip over something again but the moment my knee hits the ground I push off of it to continue running. It's hurting like hell, I'm sure a rock broke my fall.

"We can't live one hand holding mine the other wrapped around my neck"

Dammit Tori they're not! They're both holding your face so I can see your beautiful eyes. They're grasping this jar so that I'll find you again.

"Please stay... please stay" I find myself whispering this between ragged breaths. The rainbow is almost transparent. It's almost gone. Please... just stay a little longer.

"I we can't stay like this. No more Jade... no more."

I can see it, the end of the rainbow. I'm almost there, just wait a little bit longer.

"Let go of me Jade, please let me go"

Let go of my legs Tori... they shouldn't be this heavy, I know what you're trying to do.

"Let me be free of you"

My only freedom is you.

"I want time... apart"

Time is our enemy. It wants you just as much as I do.

"I'm sorry Jade"

"You should be!" I yell as the rain starts to fall again. "You have me running around like a fucking idiot, a crazy child trying to catch a rainbow for you."

I can hardly see the colors anymore... no... I will catch it, I'm there, it's right there!

It's a illusion. A refraction of light. A myth that people believe in. Water and light.

In my last effort, I dive, I throw my entire body into a mist. For a moment, I was flying. My thoughts, my mind, was up in the air. I held my breath and locked my movements. I put all I had on the rainbow.

And when my body slams into the mud below, my jar is empty, and my soul is hollow.

Hope; an illusion. Faith; a refraction of reality. Belief; a myth. It's all just... water and light.

At least here no one can hear my sobs. The rain is comfort but I didn't ask for pity.

I really thought... I really thought I could do it. I could follow a rainbow to the end and catch some of it. And beyond that, I thought I could give it to Tori and it would fix things between us. That she would somehow immediately know what it meant and what I did to capture it. This rainbow was how it was all supposed to start. It held every part of me for a few moments and then the dream was over. It's when the child sees all the things its parents tried to shield it from. When the innocence is broken. When you realize we're all made of dirt and in the end return to it. When your reality becomes memory and the world reminds you of your place. When a rainbow becomes nothing but water and light.

It's the cancer. The believing. It took my mind and body and left me to die.

"Jade... you'll always be my love"

It's the cancer...and I've still got it.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Hello my... incredibly forgiving and understanding Lotus Blossoms.

Let me start off by saying I'm really sorry about the lack of updates. Yes, I plan on continuing with this story, no, I'm not giving up on it. Life basically decided to punch me in the face. Due to finals, graduation, health issues, and just all out disturbances in life, I've just been out of commission. So until I can put everything back in place, I can't promise an update every Monday, but I will do my best.

Anyway, onto a few of the many awesome people:

Lovatic1966: Good. Again. Haha.

Sami Jo: I felt the same way about Jade for the longest time. One day I was just like, "Why not?" and now I love her. P.S. Don't do anything drastic... but if you must, anything but my face.

Zinzu: My darling Zinzu, all will be explained. I always love reading what you have to say. P.S. Steer clear of any walls.

Cain: I find your vigor enthralling. Helped me get this one out.

Oh and 'The Art of Falling in Love' won a Topaz Award, so that's pretty awesome. Thanks to all of you who voted.

Alright loves that's all for this update. Remember, Reviews = Love. Spread it around. Thick.

A.Y.P.