Chapter 4

Kate Beckett had no real plan as she stood in the rain that was falling down more heavily then it had been just a few minutes before, she was too confused and emotional to have a plan. She had one suitcase,no car,and no job. As far as she could tell her life was over, all she knew was that she needed to get away from everything that reminded her of the complete failure her life had became or she would end up doing something stupid as she knew all too well depressed people who had lost everything tended to do. She had to get somewhere quiet and her only plan was to go to her father's place and ask him to drive her to his cabin in his pickup truck. Normally she would have taken her Harley but it wasn't at all suited for the rough back roads that led to the cabin so for the first time since she was a teenager Beckett was going to have to ask her father for a ride. Beckett felt a little silly,she was a grown woman who went up against killers every day and yet her she was running back to her father like a scared little girl but she had no idea what else she could do so that was the plan she was going with.

Finally after what felt like hours a taxi pulled up to the curb and she got inside. She gave the driver the address of her father's building and they were off. About fifteen minutes later she was standing outside of the door to her father's apartment, soaked from head to toe, and with a suitcase in her hand. On any other day she would have worried about how bad this would look, but today things really were that bad. Timidly she raised her hand and knocked on her father's door,a few seconds later Jim Beckett answered the door and was greeted by the sight of his daughter looking in worse shape than he had seen her since her mother had been murdered.

"Katie,what's wrong. Did Richard Castle take a turn for the worse of something?" He asked with concern showing all other his face. At that moment Castle dying was the only thing he could think of that would cause his daughter to show up on his doorstep looking in such rough shape.

"Oh Dad." Kate said with tears in her eyes as she stepped into the apartment and placed her suitcase on the floor to the right of the door. Jim Beckett could tell what his daughter needed,so he leaned in and gave her a hung and hung onto her. After a few second she returned the hug and then pulled away and looked into his eyes. She had stopped crying but something was still wrong, finally she answered his question. "No Castle is fine and getting better as far as I know." She said with a sniff.

Jim side stepped her for a moment to close the door and then turned back to face his daughter. "Well what has gone wrong then, I would thing that would make you happy?" He asked.

"It does" Kate said looking down at the wood floor. "But I really screwed up and I may have wrecked my life."

"It can't be that bad." Jim said hugging her again.

"It is this time." Kate replied just barely hold her tears in check.

"Katie you are soaked." Jim observed as he pulled back from her. "Why don't you go to the bathroom and change. I'll put on some coffee and then you can meet me on the couch and tell me all about it. Okay?"

"Okay." Kate said and she managed a small smile. Just being in the same apartment as her dad was helping so she picked up her suit case and headed for the bathroom.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

It was about an hour and many tears and hugs as well as two mugs of coffee later when Kate finally finished telling her father everything that had happened. He asked a few questions here and there but he mostly just listened up until she told him her plan to deal with everything.

"I think that is a good idea." He said at last looking at his daughter who was sitting to his right holding her almost empty coffee mug on the old couch in his living room. "You could use some time to decompress."

"Yeah plus it may be my last taste of free air for a few years." Beckett said as she forced out a bitter laugh.

"I don't think you will have to worry about going to jail" Jim said trying to comfort his daughter. "You didn't find out about Montgomery until the night he died and after that you were in shock. If they do try it I know some good defense attorneys who owe my favor and they will make mince meat out of them!" Jim became angry as he said the last part. He would never tell his daughter because he didn't want to add to her problems but the anger he was directing at the police at the moment was really there because of what he had just heard about Montgomery. Unlike his daughter he thought the bastard had gotten off easy,if he had done the right thing years ago his wife would still be alive and he would never forgive him for that. Still he knew voicing these thoughts would only distress his daughter so instead he focused the anger he could not control on the police department that had stabbed her in the back.

"Maybe I deserve to be in jail. After all Castle got shot and it was all my fault." Kate said quietly,not daring to look her father in the eye.

Jim Beckett sighed and thought for a second and then he realized that the only way to absolve his daughter of guilt in this matter was to come clean with a secret that he had hoped to take to his grave because he knew she would hate him once he told her about it. Still it was the only way to help his little girl and he had hurt her enough in his life so he took a deep breath and then in a guilty tone he spoke. "No Katie,it's not your fault at all. It's mine."

Kate looked up at him shocked. "What do you mean it's yours?! You had nothing to do with this!" She stated.

"Yes I did." Jim said with another sad sigh. "A few days before the funeral I went to visit him in his home and I told him he had dug up this case again and now he needed to stop you from getting hurt because of it. I told him he was the only one you would listen to so it was his job to stop you from going down the rabbit hole again." Jim confessed.

Kate's only response was to stand up slowly and walk to the other side of the room and stare at the bookcase without looking at her father once. Jim gave his daughter the time that he knew she needed but after about five minutes of no one saying anything he finally spoke up. "Katie please say something." He pleaded with her.

Kate turned around there was fire in her eyes. "You interfered in my life! I am a grown woman and I was working a case and you told Castle that he had to stop me from doing my job?! How dare you!" She yelled.

"I had to protect you." Jim said as a way of explaining.

"Well guess what, you lost the right to protect me when you abandoned me for drink after mom died! You are the one who forced me to grow up fast so you lost the right to treat me as your child when you did that!" Beckett shot back and her face was turning red.

Jim's response was to just look away,the barb about his drinking had hurt him and it showed that his daughter had lost all faith in him and didn't care if she caused him pain. What was more he knew she was right and that she would never forgive him.

"Because of you Castle may never walk again and his daughter is crying by his bedside! You don't only wrecked my life but her's as well!" Beckett continued to yell as she stormed off towards the front door. "I will tell you something else! I don't need you or Castle to take care of me or tell me what I should or should not do. This is my life and from now on I want you to stay out of it!" With that Beckett stormed out of the apartment slamming the door behind her.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Kate was crying as she walked slowly down one street after another. Thankfully it had stopped raining, still the sky was overcast and at least that fit her mood. She had no idea what she was going to do,now she could count the last of her family as another thing she had lost. Still she would not forgive her father, he had not been there when she needed him and now he had guilt tripped Castle into stepping in from of a bullet. With his over the top sense of melodrama Castle must have decided that he had to die for her after that talk. She knew he tended to project his emotions onto others too so he most likely started thinking about how he would feel if he lost Alexis and decided he would not let her father go through that same pain. She would never forgive her father for trying to take control where he was not needed and putting those ideas in Castle's head.

Beckett had no idea where to go at this point. It seemed like no one needed her and there was no one she could trust. She knew one thing she didn't even want to see Castle. For one thing he had lied to her, he had acted like it was his idea to come over and try to talk her out of going after her mom's case but now she knew the truth, he only did that out of guilt. It did explain one thing, she had been expecting him to say that he loved her but he hadn't. Beckett could not understand why he had not said anything but now it was clear, he didn't love her. Everything he had done he had done out of guilt, he was the one who opened her mom's case so now the only reason he had been staying around and he jumped in front of a bullet was because he felt guilty about reopening the case. Beckett couldn't believe how stupid she had been. She had started to fall for him and now she knew he did not return her feelings. Well it didn't matter, she was not a cop anymore so there was no reason for her to ever see him again and that sat well with her, it would mean that she could get on with her life.

"Get on with her life", what did that even mean now? Her job defined her but she didn't have that, so she would have to find something else to do. Maybe she would go back to law school and get her degree, she could not honor her mother by getting justice for her any more but maybe she could honor her memory by following the dream she always had for her daughter of Kate following in her footsteps and becoming a great lawyer. She could become a prosecutor, if charges were not pressed against her maybe she could get a job at the DA's office and put murderers behind bars that way. It was clear the new captain would never let her be a cop again. The best she could hope for was that she would stay out of jail and that she had not wasted too much of her life being a cop to make a name for herself as a lawyer.

"Wasted her life being a cop." Beckett did not like the sound of that. She had made a difference as a cop and been there for the victims and she had always seen herself spending the rest of her life as a detective, not some paper pusher who worked a safe office job and had to worry about politics. She wanted to be out on the streets every day, helping people. A lot of cops didn't care about victims and their families but she did and she needed to help them. Still that was not an option anymore and she had made her own bed and she had to sleep in it as best she could. She could still get justice for victims as a lawyer,it would just be harder and would not be as personal, but she could do it. She knew she could make this work. So now she had a plan and a reason to fight the charges, she couldn't go to jail or get a black mark on her record that would keep her from passing the bar. Beckett felt herself calming and for the first time that day she had a sense of hope and she had some idea where her life was going. It wasn't perfect and it was not what she wanted but she had a goal and that meant she could start making plans and start working. Suddenly she could handle her life again. Kate Beckett was back and in control, she could do this.

Kate Beckett the cop was gone and Kate Beckett the hard nosed prosecutor who put crooks behind bars no matter what and gave a voice to victims in the court room was about to be born. It had taken a long time but her life had come full circle and she was back at the places she had been before her mother died. Maybe this was how her life was meant to be and everything else had been a detour and now it was back on track for the first time? She didn't believe in fate but it was hard not to feel like this was all part of a larger plan.

As Kate made her way back into her building much sooner then she thought she would before she felt content. Not happy but content and an odd peace was descending on her for the first time in about two weeks. She finally felt like she was in control of her own life again and it felt good. She wouldn't need other people watching her back so she would not be putting anyone in danger and she could still do important work. It may not have been work she liked but she was sure she could bring herself to love it if she tried hard and even if she didn't she would still be helping people. It would take a lot of hard work to make this happen but she could do it because she was Kate Beckett and if there was one thing she was not afraid of it was hard work. With no relationships she could focus all her energy on the task in front of her which meant she could not fail.

Beckett entered her apartment and decided to take a bath. It had been a long hard day and she felt the need to relax but not because of depression any more. Everything she had gone through was worth it because she now knew exactly how her life would play out and there would not be any messy personal relationships or dead bodies at three in the morning to get in the way. Her life was back on track for the first time in fourteen years.

Well there is chapter four. Sorry it took so long but I got blocked when it came to writing the Kate/Jim scene and it took me forever to get that down. Don't worry Beckett is not leaving the story and there will be interactions between her and Castle. I know it seems a little hopeless right now but this is going somewhere. The next chapter will start to tone down the angst a bit. I didn't like putting it in this chapter but I didn't see a way to avoid it without writing Beckett out of character so I had to do what I did. I'll try to have the next chapter up tomorrow. I know some of you are not happy with the angst but please hang in there it will be dying down in the next chapter.

Oh and the response to the last chapter was amazing. A lot of your reviews and Pms were extremely helpful and helped me fix the chapter and make this one better so thank you all so much. You guys are the best.

Thanks for taking the time to read and please leave a review.

Thanks again to Casketfan5 for beta help.