I AM ALREADY GONE:
I sit on my front porch, coffee warming my hands, the sun on my face, a gentle breeze in my hair and I smile. This is my bliss, right here. Even more so when I hear the padding of a certain blondes feet behind me.
"I was right you know" she says from behind me, and I can feel the smug look on her face. It's one that I've been acquainted with all too often.
I chuckle and turn to face her, I smile inwardly at how comfortable she is leaning on the frame of my front door. She looks like she's exactly where she needs to be. That's because she is.
"Enlighten me on what that is Ali" I say curious as to what she's talking about. It's not new, Alison being cryptic. She's always loved being a mystery. She loves talking in be told I love that about her. I shouldn't but I can't help it.
"You look so good with the wind in your hair" she says softly and I melt at the way she's looking at me.
She moves to sit next to me on the porch. I love just sitting with her watching the morning roll by. I smirk when she reaches across and steals a sip from my coffee.
"I love you" I say as our eyes meet over my coffee mug. She smiles into the cup and I see something in her eyes change.
"I love you too" she says in an almost-whisper as she hands me my coffee back. I set it down on the stair below me and turn my full attention to the beauty that is Alison Dilaurentis.
"I mean it Ali, I am so in love with you" I say as I cup her cheek with one hand and lean in until our lips are almost touching. I can feel her smile on my lips as she moves in to close the distance. Our lips melt into each other. I hear her let out a contented sigh at the kiss. It wasn't heated or rushed. It was a, 'we have our whole lives we can spend like this' kind of a kiss.
She pulls back and we just look into each others eyes, and we come to a silent agreement. Ali stands slowly from her spot, reaching her hand out to help me up. I pull her body into mine and sigh happily at how good she feels.
"Come on" she barely whispers and begins to lead me into my house. I know exactly where she's taking me. Though she's never said it, I know it's her favourite place. Truth be told, it's mine too. How could it not?
We make it to my bedroom and I close the door behind me. She lets go of my hand, turns around slowly to face me and starts to take her shirt off, eyes never leaving mine. I can't do anything but stare back at her, it's like she has me completely entranced. As she continues to strip the rest of her clothing off with a knowing smirk, her left dimple popping, I know she's enjoying every second of this.
She sits back on my bed, surrounded by my pillows still staring back at me, "I know you want to kiss me" she says in the most sultry tone. I half snap out of my daze and start to take my clothes off too. I smile to myself when I hear her breath hitch at the sight of my naked torso. It's always been her favourite part of me, I never understood why.
"Emily, I need you over here. Now" she demands making me know there's no room to move. I huff out a laugh as I rid myself of my favourite pyjama pants and stalk my way up my bed until I'm hovering over her, my thigh resting lightly on her centre.
"Hello" I breathe out as I feel her hands start to explore my abdomen. I close my eyes in pleasure as her hands daringly caress my breasts. "Ali" I moan out.
"Emily I want you to do something for me, do you thing you can manage that?" Ali says with a hint of vulnerability that I rarely see in her.
"Ali I'd do anything for you, you know that" I say as I lean my head down and touch my lips to hers in a barely there kiss.
"I want you to love me" she says and I melt when I see her eyes well. I smile as I lean down and plant a more solid kiss to her lips. I rest my weight on her body, both of us moaning when we feel our skin touching skin.
"Always" was all I could manage…
I wake up on my front porch confused and soaked to the bone. I jump with a start as I feel another fresh wave of ice cold water fall on me. "What the hell!" I yell out. Incredibly frustrated and harbouring one epic hangover.
"You need to get up" I hear a familiar voice behind me and I whip around. I see her flinch and my aggressive demeanour. "Em I'm not kidding. You can't be doing this. And if you're going to choose to go down this road. Don't do it where the whole of Rosewood can watch you" she says firmly.
I look around to see pedestrians passing by my house and whispering.
"Oh great. Talk about the poor girl who lost the best thing that ever happened to her. Let's just kick her whilst she's down! That's a great idea. Just splendid" I say with a venom on my tongue.
Maybe I'm overreacting. But I'm hurt. I'm alone. And I'm hungover. Not to mention that dream I had felt so real, it felt like I was reliving that morning all over again. We were so carefree then, nothing could touch us. I felt that sun and that wind and her lips on mine. I felt it.
"Em-" I hear my friend say wearily. I cut her off as I brush passed her into my house.
"Leave me alone Hanna" I say bitterly. I don't want to talk about my feelings. I don't want to talk about what happened. I don't want to talk about anything. I just want space. I want space from the way Hanna is looking at me. Or from the way Aria looked at me last night, or from the way I know my mother is going to look at me when she gets back from visiting family in Texas. I can't deal with any of this.
I can still feel it. Parts of my heart crumbling away from when it broke yesterday. Each time I think about her eyes or her smile. Oh god and the sound of her laugh. Another piece just breaks away.
"Emily I am not going to let you go down this road again. I am not going to watch you self-destruct. I am sure as hell not going to keep finding you passed out on your front porch with an empty bottle of whiskey in the middle of the afternoon" Hanna says animatedly.
"Well, then I guess you won't be coming over here any time soon then, will you" I say darkly. I have no intention of doing what she's asking. I need to forget. I need to go back to that place in my dreams. Where I get to love Alison and she gets to love me back.
"Em, please don't shut me out. Any of us. We're your friends, we want to be here for you. You just have to let us" Hanna pleads softly. I cringe at the desperation in her voice. I turn and walk off to the dining room. I know there's another bottle in here.
My hand lands on another bottle of what was my dads favourite whiskey and I grasp to it like it's oxygen. I hear Hanna enter the room and sigh.
"Don't say anything Han. I just want to be alone. I can't do this. It's too much, and it's too hard. What... what if it were you and Caleb married another woman. Are you going to stand there and tell me you wouldn't be completely heartbroken" I can see Hanna hesitate. I know the answer to the question is obvious.
"I would Em, it would hurt. But I wouldn't be doing this. The anger and the whiskey and withdrawing yourself" at that I could feel an anger building deep inside me.
"Oh hi Pot, my names Kettle. Jesus Hanna! You did this after New York. You did exactly what I'm doing now!" I yelled back furious. I can feel my blood boiling, I can feel it rushing through my veins.
"That wasn't the same Em" Hanna ground out firmly.
"Enlighten me please" I say sarcastically.
"I was seventeen! We were dealing with a psychopath. And for the recored Em, you have done this before too. After Ali disappeared you were this distant and angry person. That's why we all lost touch with you. Then after Maya died, you spent that whole summer wasted. I don't think you remember a thing about it. You, you scared us then Em. And now, now you're really scaring me" Hanna let's out shakily.
I look at the bottle in my hand, then back at the pleading eyes of my best friend.
"You should go" I whisper out. I cringe at the sound of Hanna slamming my front door.
I know this isn't the right thing to be doing. I know exactly what it is that I'm doing. I can't have the girls around to see me break again. I can't be that person to them. This damaged, bitter, sad person. I'm not the Emily they love, that girl did the one thing she shouldn't have. She held out hope, she hoped that one day Alison Dilaurentis, the love of her life, would love her back.
What makes this worse, I had Ali. We were starting something when Ali came back from her disappearance. We were starting to connect, slowly, but we were starting off the something we had when we were fourteen. The something that was always there between us. We were just too young then to understand it, or see it.
I can't get passed the worst feeling of them all.
The sucking hole of regret that's taking up residence where my heart used to be. And as I take a long swig from the bottle of whiskey in my hand I know.
I shouldn't have let her go.
Authors Note: I haven't updated this one in a bit. Sorry guys. I was just trying to figure out where I want to take it. Which now, I have. I've mapped it out. I'm throwing a few dream sequences/flashbacks in to try and add a little light to this story. It can get a bit too hard to read when it's all angst all the time.
Tell me what you think? Do you think Emily is going to totally self-destruct? Or will her very persistent friends help her see she can move on from all of this.
Also listen to 'Where Are You (I Am Already Gone) by Kate Tucker when reading this.