God this chapter is so much later than it should be. I'm really sorry, but you can blame school for that. It just started up so i've been trying to get my shit together to balance writing and schoolwork. As of now, I think I may have finally started to get it right. The teachers don't suspect you if you're writing, they just don't know you're writing fanfiction instead of notes (￣ω￣)
But in all honesty, the only thing I've felt like doing since school started was just faceplant, and then just roll around in frustration. The idea just seems so tempting.
Anyways, this chapter is pretty short, but the next chapter should be out much sooner. Within the next week or so.
Warning for mentions of underage drinking, anxiety attacks, mentions of sexual actions (thanks Jared)
Evan curls himself up in the first bathroom he sees. He's almost surprised he makes there through the tears in his eyes.
He's breathing too fast and too hard, his body heaving for air like he wouldn't find it again.
All he hears is Connor's voice, yelling at him.
"Just fuck off!"
Tears pour down his cheeks as his breathing becomes even more labored.
God, he's having an anxiety attack.
Shoving his head in his knees, Evan tries to focus on his breathing. In for four, out for five. In for four, out for five.
"Fuck off!"
Of course, Connor would shove him away. Why wouldn't he? He is so stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. Why on Earth had he ever convinced himself that someone like Connor Murphy would want to be friends with him? Even Jared doesn't want to be friends with him, and Jared is only a notch or two above him on the social tier.
Pathetic. He lets his hopes rise, ignoring common sense and long set patterns. Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic, pathetic, pathetic.
Choked sobs are forcing their way up his throat now, even with it feeling as though it was screwed shut.
He's still gasping for air when the first hint of green enters his blurry vision.
Vines creep up his arm, slowly and carefully, spreading outwards to surround his hunched form. Soon green is all he can see through the tears. For a moment, it was almost suffocating, but then the familiar warmth of his magic washed over him, and breathing got just a bit easier.
Eventually the chant of "pathetic" was replaced with a calmer voice whispering "safe, breath, safe."
When the tears fade, Evan is greeted by a veritable wall of vines and flowers wrapped around him. He plucks a yellow carnation from his hair idly, his mind still scrambling to put itself back together.
Once he can stand again, he gently pushes the cocoon of vines open. To his shock, he realizes the plants have managed to cover most of the bathroom floor. Thank god that someone hadn't walked in on that, because then they would have run off and told everybody then Evan would get in trouble for using his magic outside Magic Control class, and then he would get expelled and his mom would just be even more disappointed in him as it is.
No one has walked in yet though, Evan tries to cement that fact into his racing thoughts with little success. So, he goes about clearing the mess as quickly as possible. Although he doesn't go too quickly, taking a few seconds to see what flowers his magic had added to the cocoon of vines. By now he knows that his magic tends to follow the code in terms of what flowers sprout, they reflect his emotions, whether he wants them to or not.
On the outside, the vines are interspersed with white heather, begonia, hydrangea, peony, and snapdragon flowers. The inside is a little less varied, covered with queen anne's lace, lady's mantle, and red poppy blooms. Evan can't remember what they mean, but he might look it up later. Because if the lingering traces of panic shifting around in his gut mean what he thinks they do, he isn't going to last the rest of the day in school.
He texts his mom, letting her know that he didn't feel well and was on his way home.
He spends the rest of the day in his bed, sometimes scrolling through his phone, sometimes just staring blankly as flowers and vines sprout around him. If nothing, at least the plants keep him company.
His fingers itch at his cast, but they stop as soon as his eyes land on the name Connor, scrawled out in big sloppy letters. A friend, Evan laughs at himself, he had really thought he could manage to keep a friend.
Instinctually, he knows he hasn't done anything wrong. But if he just knew how to talk to people, then maybe Connor wouldn't have been pushed to yell.
But he had seen it in Connor's eyes, they were just so empty. At the same time though, they had been storming, as if stirred up by some unseen agony.
It had hurt him to think Connor might be in pain like that. He knows it's stupid, considering the circumstances of their first real meeting, but it's true.
For once, he's almost glad to get a text from Jared telling him to come over. Jared isn't bad all the time, and he sure is a lot better than moping in his thoughts. Because Evan already does that plenty.
He doesn't mind leaving leaves and petals scattered around his room, the plants will always have a place to stay with him, and they know it. His mom never minds them either, and even if she did mind them, she isn't around enough to notice.
Still, he sticks a post-it on the door as he walks out, a hasty scribble of, 'I'm at Jared's' for his mom to see just in case she happens to actually come home before midnight.
When he knocks on Jared's door, he's met with a recognizable cocky smirk.
"Hey acorn." Jared snorts, opening the door to let Evan in.
"Hi Jared." Evan responds. Having known Jared for a few years, after their moms became attached at the hip, he could usually manage to have some semblance of a normal conversation, even if half the conversation is usually Jared making jabs at him.
Evan trails behind Jared as they walk to the T.V in the back of the house; when they pass the kitchen, Jared pauses, turning back to Evan. "The beer cabinet should be empty; my parents wouldn't notice if a few disappeared."
"Not tonight." Evan shoots back, because despite the events of the day, he doesn't really feel like drowning his fears with alcohol. He can still remember quite a few hangovers from some of their more extreme nights.
"Whatever." Jared rolls his eyes, but moves on from the kitchen empty handed.
The two of them fall back into familiar habits. Jared takes one end of the couch, and Evan the other. Jared chooses the game, and sort of asks Evan if it's okay with him. Evan agrees, as he always does, and the two play it.
Evan's never been able to get the hang of video games, something that Jared would normally tease him about relentlessly. Today though, they play in near silence, with only a few snarky comments coming from Jared. It's strange, but Jared had always been subject to wide mood swings, so Evan doesn't bother to think too much of it.
"So, any reason you ditched lunch? I mean, I'm all for Evan the rebel acorn, but I kind of have a right to know if you're off sucking dick." Jared asks slyly, lifting his eyebrows suggestively.
"Wha- Jared! I would never- why do you care?" Evan sputters out, his avatar falling off the edge of the screen.
"I don't. It's just my right as your family friend to know these things." Jared snorts, jumping on one of the smaller enemies. "Besides, I'll just check your phone if you're going to be that defensive."
"You can't go checking someone's phone without their permission! B-besides, there's nothing on there anyways." Evan can't stop the bitterness that seeps into his voice, and he feels the flowers growing on his head as a result.
"We'll just see what your phone tells me." Jared smirks, and Evan waves his hands wildly, trying in vain to stop him. But already Jared's eyes have gone blank, reflecting the world around him like they were made of glass.
Evan is left on his own, helpless to stop or pull Jared out of the world he's entered. At the very least, he pauses the game and leans Jared back. Jared always complains about how sore he is after he uses his magic.
But now it's just him and his thoughts again, and Evan is barely staying afloat in the sea of negativity. As a distraction, he checks to see what flowers his magic had chosen this time. In his fingers rests a stem of Ivy blossoms to match the ones that are interwoven in his hair. He looks up what they mean, and gives a hollow chuckle when the first result is friendship. At least his magic has high hopes for whatever Evan and Jared are.
Evan would love to call Jared a friend, and he had, for a short time. Then high school had come along, car insurance was put in the equation, and somehow friend became family friend before Evan realized it. Because really, Jared isn't a bad person. Sure, he's sarcastic and abrasive. He never knows when to stop. He's a collector of blackmail, a pastime that is only fueled by his magic. But Jared's more perceptive than people realize, or more perceptive than Jared wants them to realize. He always has some stupid comment, or dumb joke to make Evan forget whatever he had been worrying about.
Underneath the wall of prickliness and annoyance that Jared hides behind, there is someone just as, or more so, deserving than his peers. Evan knows this.
Evan just doesn't know why he can't get past that wall anymore.
Jared emerges from the electronic world with some aching pains and a disappointed scowl.
"Jeez Evan, you really don't have anything on there, do you?" Jared huffs as he stretches out his back. "Whatever, I still have some of those weird sex letters anyways."
"They aren't s-sex letters Jared." Evan crosses his arms in annoyance, uncertain vines sprouting from his clenched fingers. "Y-you know those are for th-therapy. Dr. Sherman w-wants me to wr-write them."
"Sure Evan, sure." Regardless Jared finally lets the subject drop in favor of one upping Evan around every corner in the game. Evan doesn't even remember the name of it anymore.
The two of them keep a similar pace until 9:00 comes, then Evan stutters out how he still has homework to finish.
"C'mon, you don't have to be a teacher's pet every day." Jared argues, throwing down the remote. "Live a little."
"I have to do it Jared, or else my teachers will be disappointed and then I have to deal with them looking at me, and my mom would be even more disappointed, then she might yell at me and-" Evan rambles, letting his anxieties tumble out of his brain and into the air. The vines crawl up further, wrapping around his arms comfortingly.
"Fine!" Jared snaps, stopping Evan. "I didn't need the entire Evan experience."
"Sorry." Evan mutters shuffling towards the door.
"Can you leave a flower or something on our way out? So my mom knows you were here." Jared shouts after him.
Evan sighs, but calls his magic up to his hands anyways. He leaves only a small bouquet of ivy flowers, with a few iris buds interspersed. He assumes that Jared will just throw them out once his mother gets a glance at them; Jared had never liked his flowers much, from what Evan gathered. He rests them on the countertop as he passes it.
The night air hits him as soon as he opens the front door, and he gives a small shiver. The vines wrap around him tighter, sprouting leaves that curl around him as well, he smiles softly at them, the sour taste in his mouth disappearing.
As he walks down the sidewalk, the trees seem to turn their leaves towards him, their branches rustling softly in the quiet. Evan takes his time to enjoy their company and support.
When he finally gets home, he takes down the note still hanging on the front door, using the key hidden under the aloe plant to unlock the door. The aloe plant bristles for a moment, instructed by Evan to guard the key from strangers, before recognizing Evan and immediately relaxing in an almost apologetic matter.
Evan doesn't mind though, since simply knowing the plant is there to guard the house key from potential burglars puts some of his anxieties at ease. Not as many as he would like, but plants can't do everything.
The stale air of the house hits him hard, and a part of him wants to turn around and go find a nice tree to sit under. He hadn't been lying about the homework though; so reluctantly, he trudges onward.
At least his homework isn't too hard, even with his magic taking every opportunity to distract him with another type of flower. Its only when he remembers the letter that his spirits really fall. He has to have one for Dr. Sherman for their next meeting though, because he knows that his excuse of forgetting them at home won't last him any longer.
As he opens a google docs page though, his fingers are left resting on the keys of his laptop, motionless, as he struggles to find anything positive about today. He eventually just goes for it, typing his current stream of thoughts.
Dear Evan Hansen,
Today is going to be a good day because you made a friend yesterday. And then your friend ended up yelling at you because you were too pushy and annoying and you should have just stayed away because you knew he looked upset. Now he's probably never going to talk to you again and he might even end up killing himself just like you tried to do. Except he'll probably succeed because you're just a failure. The poor kid who can't even get suicide right, let alone keeping a friendship stable.
Jared invited you over, so that might be good? Except it's just the same as usual, and it's not like you're happy about that. It doesn't matter how many times you try to get closer to Jared he just shoves you away- well, why wouldn't he, but that's not the point. Or is it? Isn't that why you have this cast?
Evan deletes the letter before it can get even more depressing. With a sigh, he starts over, focusing on how he could twist around the events so they seem more positive.
Dear Evan Hansen,
Today is going to be a good day because you made a friend yesterday. He seems nice so that's good. He signed your cast too. You actually managed to make a joke around him, even if it was only a small one. We have similar interests too, which is nice.
Jared invited you over this afternoon, and you got to play video games for a while, which was fun. He asked for some of your flowers on the way out, so maybe he likes them?
The plants have been really nice too, and they haven't been bothering you as much at school.
Evan stops there, saving the letter to print out tomorrow. He feels oddly proud of his ability to write in half truths. It isn't lying, but Dr. Sherman doesn't need to know the rest. Evan has to improve, he has to make progress from where he is now, from where he had been.
Therapy costs a lot, as does medicine, and as much as his mom downplays it, Evan knows it must be troublesome to deal with those costs. The sooner he gets better, the sooner he can lighten the load.
He's not hungry enough to bother with food, nor with medicine. His medicine doesn't do much anymore regardless, the only thing it staves off is nightmares, and he can deal with those just fine.
He decides to leave the plants already resting in his bed as he curls under the covers. He's well used to the feeling of leaves and petals brushing against his skin, to a point where it grounds him.
When he dreams that night, he dreams of chaotic flashes and harsh words. He's left searching for a light to see by, but his world stays dark, and he cries alone until morning comes and his eyes open once more.
Flower meanings!
White heather:Protection Begonia:Beware Hydrangea:Heartlessness/Frigidity Peony:Shame Snapdragon:Deception
Queen anne's lace:Sanctuary Lady's mantle:Comfort Red poppy:Consolation
Basically, the flower cocoon says "Our son has been betrayed" on the outside, and "Let us comfort you" on the inside. XD
Yellow carnation:Disappointment/Rejection
Ivy:Friendship
Iris:Your friendship means so much to me/A message