Hank didn't like feeling this way. His palms were sweating because he was so nervous and they trembled ever so slightly as he made his way to Alex's room. It was a route Hank took many times, both before the war and after, but now it wasn't something Hank particularly anticipated anymore. He remembers the days, and most often nights, when an evening with Alex meant the world to him.
But now... That's not how things were anymore. The world has changed and so has it's inhabitants, but there are things we can't change or forget. Memories, and people for that matter, we can't let go of. Hank tries to debunk this by refusing to believe he still has feelings for Alex, but it only makes it worse. It only makes him remember.
It had been before the whole fiasco with Shaw but not too long after Darwin's death. They were settled into Charles' more than spacious home and Hank found that Alex started to mill around him more. At first Hank wasn't aware why he did it, but it was most likely the guilt over Darwin dying indirectly by Alex's hand.
It initially started with the tasteless nicknames that Alex seemed to have on tap just for Hank, which got under Hank's skin, but he ignored it for the most part. Charles was teaching him not to take things to heart and accept himself for the person he is. Mutation and all. Charles even went out of his way to give Alex a small lecture on name calling.
Shortly after that it had been playful banter between Alex and Hank, as well as Sean who often found their arguments quite comical. Alex still called him Bozo from time to time be he significantly eased up on it. Somehow, they even became after that and neither one of them ever questioned it once.
They spent an ungodly amount of time together, whether it was down in the bunker or in Hank's lab or up on the satellite watching Sean fly, seeing as how they were inseparable. Hank taught Alex about their genetics and Alex showed Hank how to stand up for himself. It was somehow the perfect balance despite how different they were.
That's not to say they always got along, though, because Alex and Hank were known to clash occasionally over the smallest of things. Charles had attributed it to their conflicting personalities but Sean was more keen on the whole situation. Sean had been there and witnessed their fights first hand, knowing right away why Alex and Hank fought so much.
Sexual tension was an elusive force to be reckoned with but both Alex and Hank were so willfully ignorant that it went unnoticed for a better part of the week. Sean bit his tongue on many occasions just to draw out the humorous squabbles. But it wasn't until Sean got fed up one morning and blatantly pointed this out by saying:
"Why don't you guys just fuck and get it over with."
Alex and Hank both flushed with embarrassment at the comment, postponing their argument for another time as quickly vacated the area. Sean let out an exaggerated sigh and called after the two boys to lighten up, claiming that he had been joking. It was safe to say that they hadn't believed this to be true and went to their respective rooms to mull this over in their heads a bit.
They avoided confrontation after that, making their friendship rather strained and filled with all sorts of tension. Neither wanted to think about what Sean had said or what that might imply, but conflict was inevitable. It was only a matter of time before one of them exploded in the worse way possible. It didn't take long either. Two days to be exact, and definitely short enough to keep Sean's snarky comment fresh in their minds.
They were in Alex's room just hanging out and enjoying each other's company. Hank read a book quietly, bracing his back against the headboard as Alex picked at his blanket. He looked up at time to time, contemplating what Sean had said and wondering how Hank felt about it.
"Sean has a really tasteless sense of humor," Alex said with a faint smirk and a short chuckle, picking at a thread on his comforter.
"How so?" Hank asked, taking the bait and giving Alex a curious gaze when he looked up from his book.
"I was just thinking about that comment he made about us fucking and how ridiculous it was," Alex clarified, taking a chance.
"Oh? Well, I fail to see why that would be so tasteless to you," Hank huffed indignantly, snapping his book shut in frustration.
"What's eating you?" Alex inquired skeptically, finding a hint of a challenge in Hank's tone.
"Oh, nothing at all. Just the fact that you thinking fucking me is the most ridiculous thing ever," Hank shouted back with such fire that it made Alex's face flush a slight shade of red.
"Well maybe it would be ridiculous," Alex retorted childishly, feeling the fight enter his bloodstream. "You probably don't even know how to fuck."
"Like I'd let you fuck me anyway," Hank mocked, leaning across to the other side of Alex's bed to get in his face.
It wasn't clear who made the first move, but the fight in them had been too pent up for what happened next. Alex was on top of Hank, grinding his groin against Hank's thigh and kissing him fervently like his life depended on it. Hank squirmed against Alex, kissing back just as fiercely and melting into the contact as he moaned into Alex's mouth.
It seemed the idea of Alex and Hank fucking wasn't so ridiculous after all, not that Alex had meant anything he said. They only said those things because they were scared about what would happen if they did get together.
Their bodies craved friction and they shamelessly grinded against one another to satisfy that particular urge, feeling each other's arousal rub incessantly against thighs. It happened all so fast but Alex and Hank figured it had been a long time coming. Soon their clothes were discarded and they were finding out just how non-ridiculous fucking each other was.
And just like that, it was love at first fight...
Hank came out of his stupor of half forgotten memories and found himself standing at Alex's bedroom door. He spared no suspense and just opted to knock straight up, fixing his posture to a stance that held his ground. Hank was ready for so many things, but after a long moment of waiting there was no response.
He rapped his knuckles against the wooden surface again, slouching slightly as his eyebrows furrowed inward. There was still no answer from the room and Hank figured that Alex must be elsewhere. Still, Hank was known to be marginally paranoid and pressed his ear to the door, cupping the other one to train his enhanced hearing to this room only.
There was no noise that Hank could detect and he should be certain since his mutation enables him to hear even the faintest of sounds. Hank's body language shifts drastically, almost as if he's disappointed, like he had been excited to see Alex just now. Hank shakes his head, denying this fact further until he's blue in the face.
Hank was ready to talk to Alex and confront him about leaving him to go to Vietnam, but Alex hadn't been in his room. Just Hank's luck, huh? Hank sighed, slumping his forehead against the door before finally cutting his losses and making the journey back to his lab. A place where things actually made sense...
When Hank made it to his lab he pulled out his keys to unlock the door, exhaling slowly as if he needed to calm his nerves. He hasn't thought of the day him and Alex first had sex with each other and it was almost painful in the sense that he wished they could go back to when things seemed more simple.
Hank flipped through his various keys to find the right one only to lose his place and drop them carelessly on the ground. He went to pick them up but was intercepted by a shaking hand that had caressed him many times before. Hank slowly straightens upright, raking his eyes up the length of his visitor.
"It's this one here," Alex murmurs softly with recollection, looking up at Hank shyly as he discerns out the right key.
Alex turns toward the door, sliding the key into the lock and turning it clockwise as Hank watches him in acquiesce. Hank can see how Alex's hand trembles slightly and vaguely wonders why he's shaking. At first glance it could have been nerves but there was an underlying haunt about it and it left Hank with an overwhelming amount of sadness.
The door swings open slightly and Alex holds it open for Hank, prompting Hank to enter the room with Alex following close behind. Alex shuts the door with a soft click and walks in further to set the key ring on the counter. Hank doesn't say anything to Alex as they settle into the lab but he gestures towards an empty stool. Alex accepts this, finding it to be invitation enough.
Alex sits down on the cold metal stool next to Hank and scoots a little closer to the other man, noticing no apprehension from him whatsoever. Hank doesn't attempt to occupy himself with anything, he simply folds his hands and rests the on the countertop, waiting for Alex to say something.
"Peter said that we should talk," Alex says, staring at the side of Hank's face. "I think we should too."
Hank doesn't say anything in response to this, suddenly feeling at a loss for words and too speechless to talk to Alex unlike before when he was ready to confront him. Alex cranes his head to one side, trying to look Hank in the face, but he is unmoving. This disheartens Alex and perhaps kills him a little. He's done this to Hank.
"I'll leave you alone. It's what I'm best at, right?" Alex says despondently, getting ready to stand up and leave but Hank's voice catches him.
"I was just thinking earlier, that this wouldn't have happened if it weren't for Sean and his snarky remark," Hank thinks out loud, shaking his head slightly with a bitter smile.
"I don't know," Alex replies with a small shrug, sitting back down and recalling the remark in question. "Sean didn't bring us together. Fate did. It was bound to happen eventually. Sean just sped up the process."
"Yeah," Hank chuckles lightly, revealing a genuine smile that breaks Alex's heart ten times over. "Yeah, you're right."
The wall they had both built between them started to crumble brick by brick and for a moment it almost felt like the old days. Except things were different now. War had happened and friends were lost on both sides. No one truly wins in these situations... Something is always lost at a price. Hank spares a side glance at Alex, locking gazes and then faltering marginally as if it pains him to look at the blonde.
"I stopped by your room just before," Hank mentions, willing his voice to remain calm and collected. He sounds as if he's practicing a speech, choosing his words carefully. "There were so many things I was going to say to you, but now... I just don't know."
"I know you're angry, confused, and hurt. You have every right to be," Alex acknowledges, cringing at each word even as he says them. "It was unfair of me to leave without so much as an explanation and I regret it everyday."
"So..." Hank begins, hearing Alex out because it's the explanation he's been wanting to hear for five years now. "...tell me why. Blow my mind."
Oh, the fiery little punk Hank is... Alex doesn't particularly like the tone Hank takes on at the last sentence and he has to fight the urge to argue. Old habits die hard, after all. He takes a calming breath, knowing that Hank is testing him, and suppresses the snotty remark he had on the tip of his tongue.
"I left because of you," Alex says solemnly before he can word it differently.
"Me?" Hank inquires, making an indignant little huff as if he's offended.
"I didn't think I was good enough to protect you and I knew I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if something happened to you," Alex goes onto say, ignoring Hank's angry outburst.
"So you just gave up instead?"
"I just didn't want to fail you and that's exactly what I ended up doing."
"You're such an idiot," Hank huffs weakly, letting his tears brim over with out a second thought.
"I know," Alex agrees, frowning with disdain because it murders him to see Hank cry. He places a tentative hand on Hank's forearm and squeezes lightly, feeling that old spark flicker with interest. "I guess that's another thing I'm good at, huh?"
The grip tightens on Hank's arm and Hank winces at the strength of Alex's deft and well-trained hand. He glances down at where Alex squeezes him, noticing that his hand is shaking once again. Hank looks up at Alex's haunted expression and it suddenly clicks as he puts two and two together.
"Sorry," Alex murmurs when he realizes what he's done and retracts his hand.
Hank realizes now that Alex's hand is shaken by the horrors of Vietnam, remembering the condition people usually got from traumatic experiences such as warfare. It was referred to as post-traumatic stress disorder and it crippled people in many different ways. There was no denying that Alex was afflicted by it.
"Show me," Hank says with a slight lilt in his tone almost as if he's asking. He turns to face Alex fully, holding out his hand towards him. "I just want to see."
Alex reluctantly complies to the request and places his hand in Hank's, feeling an impulse shoot through his body. Hank's touch is so gentle and so light that Alex had almost forgotten what it was like to feel his smooth skin sliding against his. His palm twitches when Hank's fingertips brush lightly over the soles and a tremor wracks Alex's hand.
"Only time it's steady is when it's on the trigger of a gun," Alex points out, gauging Hank's trek forlornly.
Hank can't begin to picture Alex with a semi-automatic weapon gunning down opposing soldiers who were just following orders. Gunning down men and boys. Boys their age and younger, playing cowboys and indians in a more gruesome tableaux of humanity's less than savory nature. How haunted he must be by those boys.
"I never thought about how this would affect you," Alex says suddenly, bringing a hand up to wipe away Hank's tears with the pad of his thumb. Hank leans into the contact. "I was selfish and I never gave you a chance. You deserve better than that."
Hank looks at Alex with a somewhat lost expression, understanding what Alex is trying to say but, at the same time, not having the slightest clue. Hank brings his hand up and presses it over Alex's, cupping it to his face because he knows Alex feel the compulsion to pull away. His touch stalls Alex for the time being.
"You deserve the world," Alex murmurs, leaning into Hank's space. "You deserve someone like Peter."
"What are you trying to say?" Hank persists in a barely there tone.
His shaking hand comes up to cup the other side of Hank's face, steadying for the slightest moment, and presses his lips against Hank's. Their lips move together in a soft display of affection but they never open their mouths. Hank feels like he's on the verge of crying again and he does because it hurts. It physically and emotionally hurts to kiss Alex even when he's being so tender and considerate.
They embrace each other in such a way that nearly makes them fall off their stools, kissing just as gently but putting their necks into it a little more. It feels right but somehow different and Alex figures that no matter how great it is to kiss Hank again, it'll never be the same as before. It's just one of those things that you can't change.
Alex pulls away with one last fleeting peck upon Hank's lips that leave both of them breathless. They rest their foreheads against one another, sitting and exhaling slowly in acquiesce. Alex wills himself to resist the urge to kiss Hank again. It completely sucks the life force out of him because he craves the for how it used to feel.
"You know I love you, right?" Alex inquires rhetorically, fighting every fiber in him to not cry.
"I love you too," Hank sobs, squeezing his eyes shut as the tears come streaming down his face unabashed.
"You deserve something that's going to make you happy. Whether it be a person, a place, an atom, or some bacterial fungi growing on the bottom of your shoe," Alex encourages, chuckling weakly at the last one. He wipes more of Hank's tears away only for them to be replaced by fresh ones. "I just want to see you smile again. Even if that means letting you go."
Hank realizes what Alex is trying to say now, and it kills him to think that Alex would be so selfless as to let go even when Alex's lost more than Hank could ever understand. Alex loved him so much that he no longer cared about how Hank's decision could affect him. All Alex cared about was Hank's happiness and that was the ultimate sacrifice.
Hank knows what this means and he's given an ultimatum: Alex or Peter. He knows who he wants to choose but that doesn't necessarily mean it's the right choice. If there even was a right choice. Hank can weigh the pros and cons all day but Hank is aware that he'll have to make a decision, and soon. Love isn't meant to be decided or discussed and no one should ever have to make a choice like this, but Hank supposes it was inevitable.
In the end, someone was going to get hurt either way.