The next morning, Aunt Tanya woke me up. My head was pounding, a typical anorexia thing. It was ridiculous how light-headed I was when I stood up. It was so impossible to get the black spots out of my vision for at least thirty seconds that I had to stop walking and put my hand on the wall to steady myself.
When I went downstairs, there was a plate of eggs sitting at my spot at the table, and I stopped in the doorway, staring. Aunt Tanya looked up from her coffee, but Alex kept staring at his eggs, almost as if he had been avoiding me. Despite Tanya's warm smile, I couldn't help but feel the cold, uncomfortable tension that filled the entire room.
Alex didn't even glance at me.
I stood there for what seemed like forever but was maybe only about fifteen seconds. My feet were frozen to the spot until a thought crossed my mind. Maybe this wasn't a good idea after all. Maybe I shouldn't have come here after all.
Maybe I should just go home.
The feeling was overwhelming as I turned around and went upstairs, determined to get out of the house. I heard footsteps behind me, and I broke into a run, up the stairs to my room, slamming the door and locking it behind me. I put a hand to my forehead to attempt to stop the dizziness, but instead I decided to just ignore it. My stomach growled and I smiled in approval.
It was the anthem of the starving.
It wasn't typical behavior for me, but I couldn't help it. Before, no one had cared. All I really wanted was someone to hold me and tell me that it was going to be okay. But here, nothing was the same. Alex had sensed what I wanted and given it to me the second he figured me out, but with Tanya it was different. She was hyper-sensitive to problems and emotions, so why wasn't she leaving me alone about the food thing? She'd left me alone about everything else.
Alex had tried to help, but it was in a sweet way. Had Aunt Tanya just assumed that I would eat? Maybe she wanted me to break down, or maybe she was trying force me to break down in front of her again so she could do things differently than Alex had the night before.
"Honey…" Tanya was outside my door, knocking lightly. "Sweetie, come out here. I want to talk to you."
I didn't reply. I was too busy stuffing all of my belongings back into their bags.
"Rae."
I grabbed my cell phone off the nightstand and quickly texted Alex.
'help' I wrote.
'no'
I looked down at the screen, shocked. I came to his rescue and he came to mine. It was an unspoken agreement between the two of us. We were family. That's what family does, right? Was he kidding?
'please'
'no rae. U did this 2 urself.'
What? He's blaming me? He doesn't even know the story!
"Rae, come on. It's not funny. Open the door."
I had everything on the bed, the suitcases, the stuff from my bathroom, my journals, and my purse. I was all ready to go. I just had to get out.
"You know I have a key, right? If I have to go get it, you will be in deep trouble."
I was silent, staring at the door that the sound was coming through. Was she talking to me? The one she called her 'Little Angel'?
'alex plz! I need u!'
'grow the fuck up and open the goddamn door' he replied.
I sighed heavily.
"Rae? Last chance."
"I'm coming," I said exasperatedly.
When I yanked the door open, I saw not only Tanya standing there, but Alex, too. He'd been texting me from the other side of the door.
"Why is this such a big deal?" Alex asked. "Why won't you just eat? Goddamn it, Rae-"
"Alex, language…" Tanya interrupted, but he acted as if he hadn't heard her.
"You're pretty, okay? Is that what you want to hear?"
I shook my head, biting my lip. "Please just go away," I whispered, and my stomach felt like it was shaking inside of me.
They just stared at me.
"Maybe I should talk to you alone," Tanya said, and I shook my head, a gesture that maybe I should have thought twice about. Because it set off the hunger pains, and I got dizzier than I'd ever been before.
In the middle of the room, in the midst of an argument with my cousin and my aunt, my mind shut down along with my body, and I collapsed.