Sorry it's been awhile... but life kind of got into the way. So anyway what do you guys think about the story so far?
I think back to the beginning… I think back to the first time her hand brushed mine in the crowded halls. I think back to that first kiss, to our first sleep over, to that first day I met her. We were 8 and she sat in front of me in class. I think back to when this confusion began; when we barely knew each other and I could breathe freely.
Freshman year- November.
Stuck in the middle of a crowd, their voices a distant hum in my ear, they jump staring at their feet as I clear my throat. It's a rush of adrenaline as I walk through, a smile playing across my lips… they walk pass talking in quiet tones. Wary eyes watch them as they walk and it's easy to fall in step with her, Brittany, this subtle way she slows down matching my pace. A mischievous smile on her lips when I roll my eyes at Quinn; I can feel her walking next to me, if that makes sense. It's like my body reacts to the way she moves all on its own… she steps slightly closer as we turn a corner and I follow suit.
"I heard there is going to be a party this weekend." Her voice like a call for attention; something I can't ignore… unlike the obvious snarl Noah Puckerman is trying to pull off. "It sounds like fun."
"Who's throwing it?" Quinn, her voice is like that annoying buzz from the fridge you sometimes hear when you're home alone.
"Noah hulkman?" ha-ha, oh I would love for you to call him that to his face. "That's wrong isn't it?"
Quinn stares at her with wide questioning eyes, her mouth slightly open and I can tell that she doesn't know how to respond. She tries to smirk and play off the fact that Brittany actually shut her down; but I see you Quinn. It's a jerk reaction, my arm hitting Brittany's… I just need to look at you. The way she smiles, sly and thoughtful, her eyes darting to the back of Quinn's head and I get it. I get you Brittany… well the best that I've ever gotten anyone. It's a simple brush of skin on skin; an accident that is almost missed but for the heat that is coursing through my veins. She glances at our hands so close together for no more than a second… but this twinge in my stomach returns; my heart beating just a little faster.
"You mean Noah Puckerman?" Quinn stops by her locker, glancing over our shoulders as she says it. Bitch just couldn't let it go? "How do you function sometimes?"
"Whatever; Puck asked me earlier today and I said I would go." The look on Quinn's face, like I just stole something from her… you're suppose to like Finn Hudson. That's what you were going on about last night when you came over, uninvited, to show me your high school plan for us. "Want to come and get ready at my place, Brittany?"
Her arm warm in mine as I pull her away from the locker, away from bitch Fabre. I don't know why but all I want to do is scream at Quinn, my fingers curl at the look of hurt in Brittany's eyes. They cloud to a dark blue. She wraps her hand casually over mine… this flutter in my stomach no longer just a twinge but a pull. It fights this rage that burns just beneath, this rage that screams to make her smile... daring a glance back to Quinn and she just stares at us with questioning eyes.
It's an ache that spreads throughout my body, thick and heavy like lead. The room is quiet, too quiet… I can hear my heart beat in my chest. Its beat is like the ticking of a clock; a bomb about to explode… and my legs are like rubber as I stand. The sheets warm and itchy as I lay down; there's a pressure that covers me like a blanket. Closing my eyes to stop this sting, to stop from falling apart… I need you. A fleeting thought, so simple and easy… I can feel the tear threatening to fall. The air too humid to breathe, this bed too warm to sleep in; it's this twinge in my stomach that won't go away. This feeling like I'm paused at the top of a rollercoaster waiting for the world to drop in front of me. My hand twitches, my body tenses… and I hear her voice whispered in my ear. And I want to fight it… I want to make it stop, I want everything to stop. It's a quiet memory, beautiful in its simplicity; she smiles absently, drawing in her notebook. She leans against me, out of habit really, as she plays with her hair. That's all it really was at first, quiet moments that made me fall in- I want to say it… I do.
Tw
Two weeks ago.
There is a faint smell of lilies on the morning breeze. The air cool, but if I close my eyes and concentrate I can feel her breathe against my skin. Just the thought of it causes these chills to run down my spine. My finger twitches in her hand; she's still holding my hand… a skipped heart beat before it starts to race. Another shiver that pulls me closer to the warmth that radiates from her. It's the chirping of the birds that scream for me to look at her; the sun in her hair, like a halo, as it falls across her eyes.
My hand twitches again, this urge to touch her so strong that it's almost impossible to breathe. She leans into me, nothing more than a fraction of an inch but it's enough to cloud my vision. I could lay here forever trying to memorize everything about you Brittany; the shades of blonde in your hair, the outline of your mouth, every eyelash and freckle that you have. My stomach turns, stop- don't think about what this means. Nothing can touch us here; not when she moves her thumb over the back of my hand. That small smile forever on her faded rose red lips that taste of waxy watermelon. I- I don't this moment to end; I don't want to forget it. She sighs as I raise my hand and the world stops at the flutter of her eyes as she dreams. What are you dreaming of? I want to know the exact blue of your eyes… I want you to smile at me, to say good morning or even just my name. I want you… but I'm afraid of this ending, I don't it to end. Just stay here, with me…please just stay.
What're you dreaming of? What is that you see? Will I ever get to see it? Her hair soft like silk underneath my finger tips. Her nose wrinkles like she smells something bad… do I smell? She buries her head next to my shoulder before she looks at me through half opened eyes.
"Hi." My voice just above a whisper… it's all I can manage.
"Hi." She smiles in this shy way, like I'm making her nervous. "What time is it?"
This warm twinge of heat in my stomach when she smiles; it rises to my throat. You have a perfect smile... perfect lips.
"Early enough." She smirks; her eyebrows raised in a question as she carefully plays with my hand, tracing random patterns into my palm.
"What time did you fall asleep?" a playful smirk on her lips as I pull her closer, our hands clasped behind my back; we're almost touching, kissing.
"Not long after you." her lips brush mine in a teasing manor; she scrunches up her nose as she brushes it against mine. "Stay…"
She pulls away slightly, my body screaming for more of her, before she smiles into the kiss. Her fingers trail along my arm; I can feel my skin burn from the touch. Softer than a feather her hand lingers on my cheek, tracing out circles. She breaks the kiss with a promise of another as her mouth lingers. She stares unblinking questioning once again in a heart wrenching way; I don't know how to answer the question Brittany. It's just for fun right?
"I have to go," it feels like someone just sucker punched me in the chest with a hammer. "I promised a- mike and Tina I'd hang out with them."
She knows not to say his name anymore… yet she's still with him. I feel like I'm going to be sick, like the room is spinning out of control… I can't look at you. Her touch firmer than before as she forces me to look at her, into her baby blues. It's a pressure building in my lungs, a scream or- I want to kiss you. I want to lock him in a closet at school and leave him there. I want to stop this ache in my chest, this building scream.
"How sweet, a double date." She cringes at the sound of my voice, this ache grows but I can't stop. She'll see me… she'll know, and I can't- what will you do if I told you? She frowns, her fingers lingering on my cheek; it burns as she stands breaking this spell. It's like I can feel each step she takes with this pull to follow her, like we're somehow connected. "So what do the dweebs want to do? Movie? Dinner? Picnic?"
She peels her tank top off using it to cover her chest as she leans to pick up her clothes. I can't read the expression on her face when she turns to look at me. Her tank top clutched tightly in her fist, hiding behind it almost. It just reminds me that all we did was talk last night that we slept in the same bed only holding hands. That last night was the first time she slept over in 13 days… that he gets to have her today.
"I like picnics." She tries to smile but she can't hide the hurt, not from me.
The look in her eyes makes me want to weep, they scream out for me; begging me to make this pain and confusion stop. They beg me to tell her what this is. To tell you that I can't stop thinking about you, she finally breaks this gaze and I swear I could see a tear in her eye. The sound of the door closing like a bullet cutting through my chest… how am I suppose to say that- that I think I-.
"Damn it Brittany… it was just a game."
All I've ever wanted… was to feel normal. If I could I would count each tear, like I've counted each kiss… I just want- why can't I do this? Stop fighting this… just stop. It's an automatic reaction, done without thought. A picture of me and her smiling at the camera, there's nothing specific or really special about this moment. It's just us sitting in the choir room… just us. Us. a quiet prayer sung like a lullaby… there is no more panic, more hate or fear tearing away at me; controlling me. All I feel is this dull ache as I fall into a restless darkness… broken only by thoughts of her.