Act 4- In Which Lovely Ladies Warrants a Rating of T, cousins visit, and cake is served
Bubblewrap-Well, we can't get back inside the theatre until Ron fiishes cleaning up, so we'll just have to do some thing else while we wait…
Hermione- Carrying a large stack of books Wait, Ron is actually cleaning something?
Bubblewrap- yes, a very large something, actually, commonly referred to as a 'stage'
Hermione- Why is he cleaning the stage?
Bubblewrap- Because he brought back some TNT from the future, and it went off, revealing that it was actually joke TNT filled with a sticky sort of goo.
Hermione- So Ron's cleaning up goo?
Bubblewrap- Lots of goo. Lots and lots of goo. So, I was thinking we might as well start learning the dance for wedding chorale…
Neville- Dance? We have to dance?
Bubblewrap- Well, you don't, because Javert jumps in a river two songs before that.
Everyone starts complaining.
Bubblewrap- Look, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to learn this one dance!
Ron- I'm DONE!
Everyone- Woo-hoo! Great job, Ron!
Ron- Slightly confused about why everyone is so excited, but enjoying it anyway Thank you! I would like to thank my mother, who taught me a cleaning charm, and my girlfriend Hermione who has always been there when I need her, and—
Bubblewrap- Ron, they're all back on stage.
Ron- Crestfallen What? Why?!
Bubblewrap- Because they don't care about you, they just want to go back on stage and avoid dancing lessons.
Ron- NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME!! Runs off crying
Hermione- I care, Ron! Tries to run after him
Bubblewrap- No, you're in the next song, now come on.
Hermione- What? Another one?
Bubblewrap- Live with it, you've only got three left and then you're dead until Finale.
Hermione- I don't know whether or not to be comforted by that.
Bubblewrap- Okay, people, let's get started with Lovely ladies!
Sailor 1-
I smell women
Smell 'em in the air
Think I'll drop my anchor
In that harbor over there
Sailor 2-
Lovely ladies
Smell 'em through the smoke
Seven days at sea
Can make you hungry for a poke
Sailor 3-
Even stokers need a little stoke!
Hermione- That is absolutely disgusting!
Bubblewrap- Yep. But, sadly without this song the next song wouldn't make any sense, and that song is pretty important plot-wise.
Hermione- Can someone else play Fantine?
Ginny- Still unhappy about being married to Ron I will! We can switch!
Hermione- Wanting to be paired with Ron That would work! Let's switch!
Bubblewrap- No, you Pointing to Ginny Are playing Mme. Thénardier, and you pointing to Hermione are playing Fantine. Why does Ron have to always cause all the problems..?
Ron- When have I ever caused a problem?
Bubblewrap- Well, right now, the thing with the TNT—
Ron- That's only two things.
Bubblewrap- So far…
Women-
Lovely ladies
Waiting for a bite
Waiting for the customers
Who only come at night
Lovely ladies
Ready for the call
Standing up or lying down
Or any way at all
Bargain prices up against the wall
Old Woman-
Come here, my dear
Let's see this trinket you wear
This bagatelle...
Hermione (As Fantine)-
Madame, I'll sell it to you...
Old Woman-
I'll give you four
Hermione (As Fantine)-
That wouldn't pay for the chain! Actually, it would, we're using Luna's butterbeer necklace
Old Woman-
I'll give you five. You're far to eager to sell.
It's up to you.
Hermione (As Fantine)-
It's all I have Wait, if Fantine doesn't have anything else to sell, how does she earn a living?
Bubblewrap- Come on, Hermione, you're supposed to be smart…
Hermione- Wait, she—Oh, come on! Please let me switch with Ginny! Please!
Bubblewrap- No!
Old Woman-
That's not my fault
Hermione (As Fantine)-
Please make it ten.
Old Woman-
No more than five
My dear, we all must stay alive!
Women-
Lovely ladies
Waiting in the dark
Ready for a thick one
Or a quick one in the park
Whore 1-
Long time short time
Any time, my dear
Cost a little extra if you want to take all year!
All-
Quick and cheap is underneath the pier!
Crone-
What pretty hair!
What pretty locks you got there
What luck you got. It's worth a centime, my dear
I'll take the lot
Hermione (As Fantine)-
Don't touch me! Leave me alone! You're not going to really make me cut my hair off, are you?
Bubblewrap- Of course.
Hermione- Please tell me there's a 'not' at the end of that sentence.
Bubblewrap- No, there's no 'not'. Geeze, talk about a double negative…
Hermione- What if I don't want my hair cut?
Bubblewrap- Then you can use a hair regrowth potion as soon as we're done with 'Fantine's Death'
Crone-
Let's make a price.
I'll give you all of ten francs,
Just think of that!
Hermione (As Fantine)-
It pays a debt
Crone-
Just think of that
Hermione (As Fantine)-
What can I do? It pays a debt.
Ten francs may save my poor Cosette!
Sailor 3-
Lovely lady!
Fastest on the street
Wasn't there three minutes
She was back up on her feet
Sailor 1-
Lovely lady!
What yer waiting for?
Doesn't take a lot of savvy
Just to be a whore
Come on, lady
What's a lady for?
Fantine re-emerges, her long hair cut short
Pimp-
Give me the dirt, who's that bit over there? I can see why she doesn't want to cut her hair…
Whore 1-
A bit of skirt. She's the one sold her hair. Yea, she looks like a guy…
Whore 2-
She's got a kid. Sends her all that she can No, just a very ugly—
Hermione- You know I can hear you all, right?
Pimp-
I might have known
There is always some man
Lovely lady, come along and join us!
Lovely lady!
Whore 1-
Come on dearie, why all the fuss?
You're no grander than the rest of us
Life has dropped you at the bottom of the heap
Join your sisters
Whore 2-
Make money in your sleep!
Fantine goes off with one of the sailors
Whore 1-
That's right dearie, let him have the lot
Whore 3-
That's right dearie, show him what you've got!
Women-
Old men, young men, take 'em as they come
Harbor rats and alley cats and every kind of scum
Poor men, rich men, leaders of the land
See them with their trousers off they're never quite as grand
All it takes is money in your hand!
Lovely ladies
Going for a song
Got a lot of callers
But they never stay for long
Hermione (As Fantine)-
Come on, Captain, Actually, go away captain
you can wear your shoes While you walk away
Don't it make a change
To have a girl who can't refuse Just remember the 1000 galleons…
Easy money Not really
Lying on a bed It's a really uncomftorable prop, can't we use a cushioning charm?
Just as well they never see
The hate that's in your head
Don't they know they're making love Pretending to make love
To one already dead!
Hermione- Am I done now? Can I go?
Bubblewrap- No, Collin still has to try and buy you.
Collin- About that… it's just not that good of an idea, really. See, Ron's a jealous boyfriend…
Bubblewrap-You let me worry about Ron. Just say your lines.
Collin (As Bamatobis)-
Here's something new, I think I'll give it a try. I hereby disclaim any free-will during the course of this song
Come closer you! I like to see what I buy Even though I don't want to buy you
The usual price, for just a slice of your pie And I am allergic to pie.
Hermione (As Fantine)-
I don't want you, no, no, m'sieur, let me go.
Collin (As Bamatobis)-
Is this a trick? I won't pay more! Or at all
Hermione (As Fantine)-
No, not at all.
Collin (As Bamatobis)-
You've got some nerve, you little whore I DO NOT MEAN THAT
You've got some gall.
It's the same with a tart as it is with a grocer Or that.
The customer sees what he gets in advance
It's not for the whore to say 'yes sir' or 'no sir' Or that.
It's not for the harlot to pick and to choose Or that.
Or lead me a dance! Please, no more dancing!
He hits her with his stick, she claws at his face, drawing blood.
Ron- WHY'D YOU HURT MY GIRLFRIEND?!
Bubblewrap- Hey, Ron, you want to go stick your head in a toilet? It's really fun!
Ron- Sure! Leaves
Bubblewrap- You can continue now.
Hermione (As Fantine)-
I'll kill you, you bastard, try any of that! That's okay, I know you didn't mean it
Even a whore who has gone to the bad
Won't be had by a rat! I hope Ron doesn't actually stick his head down a toilet.
Collin (As Bamatobis)-
By Christ you'll pay for what you've done He probably will
This rat will make you bleed, you'll see! His brothers told me they used to do that all the time to him
I guarantee, I'll make you suffer And he never even caught on!
For this disturbance of the peace Peace out
For this insult to life and property!
Hermione (As Fantine)-
I beg you, don't report me sir Fred and George used to stick his head down toilets?
I'll do whatever you may want
Collin (As Bamatobis)-
Make your excuse to the police! Actually, they flushed it down. And Percy helped.
Javert enters, accompanied by constables.
Neville (As Javert)
Tell me quickly what's the story I missed the things with Ron, what's going on?
Who saw what and why and where 'Cause I didn't actually see anything
Let him give a full description Did anyone actually see his head in the toilet?
Let him answer to Javert! And Neville!
In this nest of whores and vipers Not including you, Hermione
Let one speak who saw it all Or even some of it
Who laid hands on this good man here?
What's the substance of this brawl?
Collin (As Bamatobis)-
Javert, would you belive it Ron's head is in the toilet, you really don't need to know anymore
Bubblewrap- If I go rescue Ron from the bathroom, will you all just shut up about it? Leaves
I was crossing from the park
When this prostitute attacked me Sorry again, Hermione
You can see she left her mark Watch while I point to my perfectly mark-less face!
Neville (As Javert)
She will answer for her actions
When you make a full report
You may rest assured, M'sieur,
That she will answer to the court.
Hermione (As Fantine)-
There's a child who sorely needs me Yea, Ron will be moping right about now. Total child.
Please M'sieur, she's but that high In emotional maturity
Holy God, is there no mercy? Why did I agree to go out with him?
If I go to jail she'll die! If I have to snog him again I'LL die!
Neville (As Javert)
I have heard such protestations
Every day for twenty years Even though I just turned 15 last week
Let's have no more explanations
Save your breath and save your tears
Honest work, just reward,
That's the way to please the Lord.
Fantine gives a last despairing cry as she is arrested. Valjean emerges from the crowd.
Harry (As Valjean)-
A moment of your time, Javert
I do believe this woman's tale Thankfully, or Ron would beat me up
Neville (As Javert)
But M'sieur Mayor!
Harry (As Valjean)-
You've done your duty
Let her be
She needs a doctor, not a jail.
Neville (As Javert)
But M'sieur Mayor! Didn't I already say this?
Hermione (As Fantine)-
Can this be? I'm breaking up with Ron!
Harry (As Valjean)-
Where will she end -
This child without a friend? I'm your friend! And Ron!
I've seen your face before I TOTOALLY don't have amnesia!
Show me some way to help you
How have you come to grief
In a place such as this?
Hermione (As Fantine)-
M'sieur, don't mock me now, I pray I know Ron's not really my friend!
It's hard enough I've lost my pride Why did you let me kiss Ron?!
Harry- As if I could stop you!
You let your foreman send me away
Yes, you were there, and turned aside IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!
I never did no wrong
Harry (As Valjean)-
Is it true, what I have done? YOU LIE!
Hermione (As Fantine)-
My daughter's close to dying Why would I lie?
Harry (As Valjean)-
To an innocent soul? I would never abandon you! We're BFFs FOREVER!
Hermione (As Fantine)-
If there's a God above… he'll make you shut up! You're not my friend anymore!
Harry (As Valjean)-
Had I only known then... When I rescued you from that troll
Hermione (As Fantine)-
He'd let me die instead You would have liked that!
Harry (As Valjean)-
In His name my task has just begun Muttering to himself must… not… hex… Hermione
I will see it done!
I will see it done! WHY AM I SO BLOODY REPETITIVE?!
Neville (As Javert)
But M'sieur Mayor! You think YOU'RE repetitive?! This is like time 3 for that line!
Harry (As Valjean)-
I will see it done! SHUT UP NEVILLE!
Neville (As Javert)
But M'sieur Mayor! FOUR TIMES!!
Voices-
Look out! It's a runaway cart
Harry- I hope Hermione gets run over!
Hermione- I hate you Harry!
Neville- I'm so left out!
Ron- From off-stage GET MY HEAD OUT OF THIS BLOODY TOILET!
Ginny- I want to switch parts with Hermione!
Hermione- No way! I don't want to be married to Ron!
Ron- Coming in with his head covered in toilet water Wait… why not?
Bubblewrap- Okay, considering you guys need to SHUT UP so we can get on with this, and I'm not very good at breaking up fights… I usually encourage them… I will recruit my awesome cousin
Chloe- who is totally not weird or insane… (who am I kidding?)… Chloe!! Cheer, Yay, WOOOO!!
Bubblewrap- Give me the keyboard back! Now, she's going to—
Ron- Where's Malfoy? I need to take my anger out on someone!
Bubblewrap- Um… I didn't send him back in time to retreive the younger selves of Luna and Cho who are playing Cosette and Eponine so that we will have a young Cosette and young Eponine! Of course not! He's just getting doughnuts!
Ron- Totoally clueless Okay!
Hermione- under her breath idiot.
Bubblewrap- He sure is!
Ron- Wait, what'd I miss?!
Chloe- This is one of the worst cases I've ever seen in my entire life! Now, to build 'team-friendship-thingies' we will lift Neville up by two fingers each AND NOT DROP HIM!!
Ron- Why don't we just use Wingardium Leviosah?
Chloe- Because that's not team building.
Bubblewrap- Right. Now SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!
Everybody gathers around a worried looking Neville
Neville- Um… guys..?
Malfoy- Hey guys!
Neville- Let's lift Malfoy instead!
Harry- No, let's KILL HIM!
Bubblewrap- Wait, no, this isn't working!
Young Luna/Young Cho- Run backstage quickly.
Young Cho- I don't wanna stay in the future!
Chloe- Now, now children, let's not be evil and vicious…
Harry- Why not it's fun!!
Bubblewrap- You tell 'er, Harry! I mean… you should listen to Chloe, she's taller and she scares me.
Chloe- Can everybody settle down… Neville!! Get back here!! We still have to lift you and scare you out of your worried little mind!!
Neville- No, I demand that you stop! I am Inspector Javert, and I—
Bubblewrap- Neville, you're not really Javert. We went over this, remember? None of you are cool enough to be Javert.
Neville-But—
Bubblewrap- Oh, just somebody lift him already!
Everybody goes over to Neville and picks him up. Two fingers each.
Nevillle- This isn't so bad… Kind of relaxing actually… in a singsong voice… when you look me in the eyes, and tell me that you l--… hey wait… nooooooooo…… GOING DOWNNNNN.
Bubblewrap- Neville, they dropped you, like, 2 feet.
Chloe- Drama queen… Although… I do like the choice of song while you were still off your rump. Jonas Brothers—
Bubblewrap- Suck!
Chloe- Have I ever mentioned that I Hate you?!
Bubblewrap- You can't hate me! We're related!
Chloe- Too bad!
Malfoy- Hey I got Doughnuts!!
Harry- DOUGHNUTS
Bubblewrap- I see something nutty here, and it sure aint the dough…
Harry- Wait… I don't get it…
Hermione- He insulted us!
Ron- Let's reunite over our righteous anger!
Bubblewrap- Well, at least they're not angry at each other anymore…
Chloe- See! It worked! Because… I KNOW STUFF!! Aint I so Smarticle!!
Bubblewrap- CAKE TIME!
Ron- Bubble girl Say WHAT?
Bubblewrap- My sister just turned 12. She has cake. I like cake. And don't quote stupid people on stupid shows on stupid Disney Channel.
Chloe- Look! It's raining cake
Bubblewrap- Okay, now that I have wrestled control of the keyboard away from Chloe, we can get back on topic.
Ron- Isn't 'on-topic' us trying to attack you?
Bubblewrap-… Yes. In that case, how about we go on to a NEW topic!?
Chloe- Ok… Harry Potter and Co. … Attack Bubblewrap!!
Ron- I object to Harry's name being mentioned first.
Hermione- Well, he does have all those books named after him.
Neville- How about Javert and co.?
Bubblewrap- Neville, you are not actually Javert.
Chloe- My smarticleness has worked again!! Woo!
Ron- Huh?
Chloe- Don't you see? By saying Harry Potter and Co. I have gotten you to agree on something!!
Ron- Huh?
Chloe- Harry Potter and Co., Ron!! None of you like it!!
Harry- I like it…
Bubblewrap- You know what, I'm ending this act, because it's gone all the way from page 19 to page 30.
Ron- Huh?
Four chapters in one day? I told you I had this whole thing finished! Expect all the chapters published by Sunday at the latest.