Chapter 4 Death and All His Friends
B.P.O.V
Forks. Forks, the place where it all began and the place where it all ended. Charlie was waiting for me at the airport his weathered face had broken into a small upon seeing me. I had only smiled tentatively in response, I was nervous, miserable and anxious with a sense of nausea. Returning here always made me feel the same. I endeavoured to be happy and participate for Charlie's sake and normally I did succeed. Only this time it was different. My denial and escape from the pain that I could leave had been shattered. I kept on waiting for them to appear again, to ruin everything that I had achieved in the last year or so. Time had blended together lately well since he had gone and there was really no escape for me.
"You ok there Bells?" Charlie quizzed. Well asked but he had asked it repeatedly and it began to feel like a quiz.
"Yes" I mumbled "Just tired, I didn't sleep on the plane." Not well the night before and well Josh was over the night before that, but I kept that to myself. Charlie didn't need to know about that. Plus telling him I was tired ensured when I escape his observant eyes and finally managed to contemplate sleep I would be left in piece to rebuild my empty existence.
"Well I will have you home soon enough. How was the last semester? Made any friends?" I smiled to myself at his questions it seemed so normal so back at my first day of school. Normal was pleasant. Normal was a lie but it was a lie I was learning to perfect. I made myself seem normal no one could see where the abnormal me ended and the facade of normal me began.
"Home will be good. The last semester was ok, I enjoyed some of the subjects as for friends yeah sure I did." I knew my answers were far from satisfactory but it was the best I could do.
"Well I know there are some friends here who will be happy to see you. Jacob will glad you are back earlier and I know Mike and Angela are back in town as well." I smiled at him in response, I was actually happy this time. Jacob was important to me, while things with us were not what he wanted I hadn't wanted to cross that line before. I was still pretty sure I didn't want to cross that line. It was not josh who made me unwilling to cross that line. Sure josh was sweet and all but he was a distraction a bandaid. Bandaid seemed accurate to describe Josh's role in my life, he covered the cut but he didn't or can't heal it. No I didn't want to cross the line previously with Jacob because I couldn't commit myself to him fully. I didn't know now I would just have to wait and see. As for Mike and Angela well they would be good to see. They stuck with me through my period of half life.
"Seeing them all will be good." I said that for Charlie's benefit, let him think that everything is ok. I hated to have him worrying about me.
"I am sure they missed you just as much as I have." I stared out the window I couldn't reply to that. Emotions were normally off topic between Charlie and I and that phrase came very close to bringing them into the conversation.
"Almost there, you are almost home, look you can see the outskirts of town now" I stared out the window, wondering why Charlie was suddenly so talkative. This was most unusual for him. Maybe he could sense some sort of tension, I didn't think I was brooding. Maybe I was, maybe I was forcing him to feel the need to fill in the awkward silences. Maybe I should make more of an effort. Making an effort in the last 10 minutes drive should not be that hard, I tried almost vainly to convince myself that I could make this trip home enjoyable. I know though Charlie can be hard to fool when I tried too hard to pretend everything is ok. I was tired of pretending. However, I owed it to Charlie to pretend, I did not want to leave after four weeks with him worried.
"It will be good to be home, my own bed, own room, own cooking even. I have a feeling even with your lack of cooking skills the meals you have been eating will be better than what the cafeteria serves." I was rewarded for attempting to joke, Charlie looked over and his face broke into a smile.
"Yes I am looking forward to some of your meals and I am sure the cafeteria food cannot be that horrible." I pulled a face at him. I had fast learnt to steer clear of a number of the cafeteria specials from lumpy grey scrambled eggs to limp salads. If I wanted fresh food that actually resembled something I would want to ingest I had to be their early or I just went to eat elsewhere.
"I think I gave you a fair idea of just how awful the food is when I said you would have eaten better than I did."
"After the few cooking disasters that you have witnessed me make, the food must be awful. Remember the spaghetti lump?"
"and the burning sauce, your melted ham and cheese sandwiches that turned into blackened rocks"
"Ok you have made your point." We pulled into the driveway, I jumped out grabbed my two bags and headed to the door that Charlie was now in the process of opening. "Are you hungry? I can always order a pizza that way you eat before you unpack and go to sleep."
"I am ok dad, I think I will just grab out some clean clothes, shower and go to sleep. I am too tired to eat anything at the moment." I walked up the stairs dropped my bags on my bed, rummaged through until I could find something suitable to sleep in.
The hot water and a private shower was a welcome relief to my tense muscles. I was unaware just how stressed I was until the heat worked its magic and eased the tension that had built in my shoulders. I shampooed my hair relaxing further as I massaged my scalp and inhaled the soothing strawberry aroma. I was beginning to feel human even with the exhaustion that was taking control of my awareness.
I walked quickly to my room, I had to energy for a conversation of any sorts, I proceeded to push my bags to the floor and then collapsed on the mattress. After a minute of staring at the familiar room I got up pulled the curtain closes. I did not want to see the window, I knew he would not come through it and just seeing it was painful. I rummaged through my bag unsure of what I was looking for until I came across my iPod. I grabbed that and also my phone. I dumped my phone on my bedside table and turned it on. I stuck the ear phones in my ear and just let it shuffle through my selections.
I closed my eyes, trying to block all unwelcome thoughts from my mind. His face floated behind my closed eyes, Jacob's, Mike's and Angela's faces soon joined. They all looked down on me accusations, hurt and confusion in their eyes. I was unsure why though. What I had done to cause them to look at me like that? I tossed and turned under my sheets, opening my eyes only to feel like I was still being watched and judged. Only I know there was no one around, except for Charlie downstairs watching sport of some sort. I rolled over, the light on my phone's screen was lit. A number of missed calls and text messages had been received while I was away. Majority of the calls were from Josh, he had left some messages as well. All asking if I was ok, where was I? When would I be back and if he could visit me during the holidays. I was to tired to respond to him, I knew I should have. However, it was just too much of an effort. Again I found myself thinking of him as sweet but clingy. I was contemplating the need to end it with him. There was a missed call from a number I did not recognise, they also left me a message just saying hello and that I should call them back. I was curious, weariness was replaced by confusion. Who would be calling and messaging me that whose number I did not have? Did one of my friends lose their phone? I decided to take the easiest option and just call back. With a question like this on my mind I would not sleep no matter how tired I was. I hit redial and listened to the phone ringing. I waited anxiously til I heard the other end pick the phone up
"Hello?" I asked tentatively. "Who is this?"
"Bella!" the voice squealed into the line "I knew you would ring back but still!" I froze, I felt the strongest urge to run, cry and hurl my phone across the room.
"Alice?" I choked out.
"Of course it is me. Did you really think I would let you go once I had found you again?" I sat their quietly holding back the sobs that accompanied the tears falling down my face. "Of course I wouldn't. I have missed you so much. Bella? Are you there? You haven't run off on me again have you?" I could hear the fear and hurt in her voice as she asked those questions of me. "Please Bella?"
"I am here" I exhaled.
"Oh I am so glad and so sorry for upsetting you. Jasper is here to and he is sorry as well. Are you ok? You sound different, quieter."
"Just in shock"
"Oh." I heard muffled voices on the other end "Well I guess that is understandable. Jasper wants to know if you are ok with talking to me. Not just in shock, because he could sense just how upset you really are."
"I will be ok" I choked back the tears, I was talking to two of the people. Entities I had been longing for. The pain I felt was crippling, the hole in my chest was gapping open, yet there was also a conflicting emotion of hope and love. Despite them being absent from my life suddenly and for so long. I loved them dearly. Alice was or had been my dearest friend and the sister I wanted so badly.
"You aren't ok. I can hear you crying. Oh Bella I have missed you so badly." She broke into her tearless sobs. I wanted nothing more than to reach out across the distance and hold her. "I will call you again later. If you want me to...?"
"Of course I do" the insecurity in Alice's voice caused me to answer without thinking.
"I love you Bella" she whispered and then the phone line went dead. I stared silently at the roof, tears making their own path down my face. I wondered what this would do to me when I woke up. What it would do to me when I slept. I grabbed my iPod up off the floor where it had dropped sometime during the phone call. Jammed the earphones in their place and tried to tune all thoughts but the music from my mind. I feel asleep somewhere in Coldplay's Death and all His Friends
"All winter
We got carried
Or way over on the rooftops just get merry
All summer we just hurry
So come over just be patient and don't worry
So come over just be patient and don't worry
So come over just be patient and don't worry
So come over just be patient and don't worry
So come over just be patient and don't worry
And don't worry…
Try
Try
Try
No I don't want to battle from the year to end
I don't want to cycle and recycle revenge
I don't want to follow death and all of his friends..."
being as i have still have to wait til the 4th for breaking dawn i found the time to update this story to all you lucky buggers currently reading breaking dawn i hate you. not literally because i wish i was reading it but unfortunately i have to wait til monday when it gets released.
hope you all enjoyed this chapter, the whole alice phone converstation just took on a life of it's own and decided to join the chapter.
x