Emma took the box in both hands examining it carefully. She stood in the middle of the bathroom. Did she want to know tonight? Could she really cope with such life altering news now? Amid all the uncertainty, all the questions massing in her head, she felt sure of one thing. This baby was still as wanted as it had been that morning when she left for work a tune running through her head and a secret smile that made Will ask her what was up. "I might tell you tonight if you're very lucky," was her teasing reply and the last normal conversation she had with him.
She took the stick out of the box, looking at it intently. This stick would change her life. And right then, in that minute, she wondered, if it wasn't positive, if she wasn't having the child she believed was already growing inside her then what would she do?
The messy steps completed, Emma stood with her watch held in front of her, the seconds counting down. She flipped the stick over on the paper towel to read the display. Pregnant. One word. A million feelings. The foremost was joy. The second relief.
She looked at herself in the mirror her hand hovering over her belly. She was going to be a mother. It was something she'd always wanted. But it had often seemed closer to dream than reality. If nothing else, her relationship with Will had given her this. And this stick, and the cells dividing inside her, were lasting proof of the love that had existed, even if it were only her love for him.
Emma knew this feeling she already had for the baby growing inside her was pure unadulterated love. How was she meant to protect that here with Will?
She knew when she saw him tomorrow she'd be filled with the same anger, the same despair that she'd felt today. How could a child grow healthy and strong with all that resentment, all that pain?
Emma looked in the mirror. She looked the same but she knew nothing would ever be the same again. If she stayed here in this apartment, how would it work? Would she let Will come home for the baby? Just for the baby? Would they share a bed? Would they build a life together? Could they ever be truly happy when that life was built on lies? Or would she spend her life watching him? Looking out for lies. Waiting for him to deceive her again. She knew she couldn't live like that.
But if she left where would she go? To her parents? Would they even have her?
Just thinking about standing in front of her parents telling them she was pregnant made her feel like a sixteen year old girl who'd run off with her first boyfriend only to return home in trouble and all alone. In many ways she felt just as naive and foolish. She had thought her relationship with Will was forever. But her parents wouldn't support her, she knew that. They hadn't approved of her relationship with Will one bit. And she knew their conservative views would make it even harder for them to be there for her now.
She raised her chin and looked her reflection in the eye.
It didn't matter, anyway. This was a time for her to stand on her own. Soon she'd need to be responsible for two people. She could rent a place of her own. She was a grown up. She had a job.
But just thinking about going to work at McKinley made the tears sting her eyes. Seeing Will every day. Could she really do that? Watch him as he moved on to the next conquest on his list, while she grew bigger. Her swollen belly a clear sign to him and the world that she had expected more from him. That she had been duped.
Could she bear the look of pity in their eyes? The knowledge that she, Emma Pillsbury, celibacy club advisor had got herself knocked up by her less than committed and faithful boyfriend reflected back at her from every pair of eyes in the cesspool of gossip that was the McKinley faculty lounge. And then there were the hallways. The kids knew everything at McKinley. And if they knew everything then their parents would too. And Lima was not a big place.
She didn't want to run away. She didn't want to be a victim. But if she stayed here in Lima, she knew that's what she'd be. Poor Ms. Pillsbury. She thought he loved her, you know.
She had thought he loved her. But now what was he going to be? Her baby daddy? Collecting their child alternate weekends? Attending birthing classes with her? Or going to sonograms? The idea of Will seeing their baby for the first time on a screen in a cold doctor's office, next to her but not with her, was too much.
Emma sobbed. She couldn't bear it. She had loved him so much. She had wanted so much. But if she stayed in Lima, she'd have to bury this seething resentment, this heartache over Will's actions. And surely that would hurt her and her baby more. She needed to get away. Put some distance between herself and these feelings taking over her body, taking over her mind. And that meant putting distance between herself and Lima. There was no other way.
A/N: That light, happy direction I mentioned the story moving in...well, clearly it's not quite there yet. But if you're still reading and enjoying, and the only way I know that is if you're reviewing ;), then I promise I'll keep writing and it will get a little less angsty soon. Thank you for hanging in there.