Chapter 4

A/N- Here is the forth chapter, finally. So I feel like I´m maybe elongating this a bit too much I don´t know… Let me know. Anyways here it is. Enjoy.

In the exact moment the thought crossed Sherlock mind he started panicking.

How could he tell John? The first time he thought about telling him it made sense, he couldn´t take John out of his mind so if he just told him and got it all out he could get on with his life. That was what he thought at the time but now…it was too real.

Why would he tell him? How? What would be John´s reaction? What if he felt the same? Oh, as if. Of course he didn´t! Telling John would just ruin everything, telling John meant losing him. If he told him nothing would be the same again, things would become awkward between them and John would just end up moving out, he would lose him. He could not live without John. He wouldn´t bare it. Being alone, again? He couldn´t even think about it.

Sherlock heard the door crack. He sat up straight on his chair, feet on top of it, legs folded underneath him, his hands under his chin. Was John back already? He had left ten minutes ago! It couldn´t be him. So… Mrs. Hudson.

Mrs. Hudson walked in with a face that showed concern. She sat down in John´s chair facing the detective.

"Sherlock, dear, I know you are not good. I can see it."

Sherlock kept his hands under his chin, his eyes closed. He was trying not to cry. Him, a feeling less sociopath, was at the edge of tears by the simple fear of losing someone he loved. The only person he truly loved, really. He was not going to cry, especially not in front of Mrs. Hudson or anyone for that matter.

"You can pretend you don´t feel anything, Sherlock but you do not fool me."

He kept still. He was not going to show any emotions. He cleared his throat and hoped his voice wouldn´t sound affected by the tears he was fighting not to let out.

"Don´t you have to go buy biscuits or something, Mrs. Hudson?"

Mrs. Hudson didn´t look offended. She looked at Sherlock with pity.

"Sherlock, stop pretending. You do not need to do that with me."

Sherlock sighted trying to look bored.

"I don´t know what you are talking about, Mrs. Hudson. Clearly you didn´t took your pills this morning because everything you´re saying is nonsense."

"Oh, Sherlock. Stop acting. You should tell him you know…"

Sherlock opened his eyes and had to mentally scream with himself not to react violently to Mrs. Hudson´s advice.

"Who?"

"John, of course."

"Tell John what, exactly?"

"Sherlock Holmes, you know exactly what you should and need, in my not so humble opinion, to tell John."

Pretending he didn´t know what Mrs. Hudson was talking about was becoming really difficult. Sherlock changed his position again sitting on the chair normally, feet on the floor, hands on his lap, his harm´s muscles tense. He breathed in and out deeply and slowly trying to gain courage to respond. He passed his hand through his dark curls, sighted and finally was able to speak.

"I don´t want to lose him, Mrs. Hudson."

His voice was a whisper, barely audible but Mrs. Hudson understood it completely.

"Who said you are going to lose him, Sherlock?"

Sherlock took his hand to his face wiping a tear that had escaped from his eye.

"If I tell him I am risking losing him."

Mrs. Hudson placed a hand on his knee and looked him in the eyes.

"Oh Sherlock. Since when don´t you like a bit of risk in your life?"

Sherlock smiled weakly.

"That´s better isn´t it? Now I´m going to make you some tea and bring you some of those biscuits you seem to love telling me to go buy."

Mrs. Hudson got up and started to walk to the door.

"Thank you, Mrs. Hudson. What would we all do without you?"

Mrs. Hudson glanced back.

"England would fall."

Mrs. Hudson got out leaving Sherlock with his thoughts.

He had to tell John, Mrs. Hudson was right about that. He risked losing him but living with him and keeping this secret, living under the same roof with the man he loved and not being able to have him would drive him insane. He was already feeling insane! He had to tell him as soon as possible. He started panicking again. He couldn´t! How could he tell him? John would be disgusted. He would think Sherlock was crazy. John was not gay; he literally screamed that to everyone who was there to hear, he had made himself pretty clear. He would just take his things and move out in no time. On the other hand, Sherlock could not keep this to himself. It was making him go insane, he couldn´t think about anything else, he couldn´t think about the case, he couldn´t solve it, it was ruining his life. The effects were worse than when he had to listen to Anderson speaking! He was telling John. That was it. End of discussion. And…What if John felt the same way about him? What if John loved him as much as Sherlock loved him? Sherlock shook his head. He had too high expectations. But, really…What if?

Mrs. Hudson came back with the tea and biscuits. She placed the tray in the table next to Sherlock and poured the tea and milk into the cup. She handed the cup to Sherlock and gave him a little smile.

"Drink it, you will feel better. I don´t like to see you sad, Sherlock. Neither you nor John. And…I really think you two can be happy together."

Sherlock wished she was right.

Mrs. Hudson started to walk away again.

"I will leave you with your thoughts. Tell John, Sherlock…"

Mrs. Hudson turned away and almost hit John who was standing at the door with a plastic bag in his hand.

"Tell me what?!"