Disclaimer: Don't own it.
Into this night I wander
Its morning that I dread
Another day of knowing of
The path I fear to tread
Oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride
Nothing stands between us here
And I won't be denied
Possession- Sarah McLachlan
She jokes with her family that night at the table, tells them all about school (well, not Justin, it doesn't feel right to tell them about him) and she feels almost normal. She can almost pretend that Justin is sitting across from her. Can see him rolling his eyes at something inane that Max just said. She rolls her eyes back at the person that's not there, grinning at him and bumping his feet with hers.
The spell is broken though when she realizes that it's Max across from her, that it's now Max that it staring at her confusedly, "Did you just kick me?" He asks.
She opens her mouth to reply, chokes on the words, she clamps her mouth shut and shakes her head no. "Sorry," she says after a minute, "I didn't mean to."
He shrugs in reply and shovels more food into his mouth.
*****
She excuses herself after dinner, slips on her shoes and puts on a fall coat. Theresa is putting dishes into the dishwasher and looks up briefly from her task to ask Alex where she's going but it's too late, Alex is gone.
Theresa sighs sadly and leans against the counter, she just hopes she comes back.
*****
Alex wanders down the familiar streets, trying to find something to do that will clear her mind. Of course, nothing helps. She knows that it's useless. All of this has been useless for two years. She thought that finding him would ease her, soothe all of her fears and bring the old Alex back. She never for a second considered the thought that if she did find him that it wouldn't be him.
In fact, finding Justin, the one that exists in this world, makes everything that much worse. She stops her walking and leans against the brick exterior of a random building. She tries to get her breathing under control.
She counts to ten a few times and finally her heart stops racing, her breathing is regular and she feels somewhat better. She looks at the building that's been supporting her to find the record shop that she and Justin used to go to.
She stares at it for a few minutes before going in. She smiles hesitantly at the man working and he nods in response. She walks toward the back, goes to the row that Justin always did. Once there she browses through the CDs. She stops when she finds a Tears of Blood CD. She grins at it. Runs her fingers of the cover art. She reaches into her pocket, finds a twenty and walks back to the cash register.
*****
She doesn't speak to anyone when she gets home, just takes off her shoes and coat and heads up to her bedroom.
Jerry finds her a few minutes later (Theresa sent him to check on her); he finds her in her closet, on her hands and knees looking for something. He lets out a relieved breath, all things consider, that's almost a normal thing for her to do. "Hey," he says, startling her, he hears miscellaneous items clatter in her closet, she peaks her head around the doorframe, her hair is disheveled, her cheeks are flushed and she looks almost happy.
"Hey, daddy," she replies before turning back to her task.
He rubs his hand on his neck, trying to think of what to do, "What are you doing?" He asks.
This time she doesn't face him, instead yells over her shoulder, "Looking for my old walkman, have you seen it?"
His brow puckers and he tries to remember the object he's talking about, "That old yellow CD player?"
"Yeah."
"Actually, I think it's downstairs in a box somewhere, do you want me to go get it?"
She crawls out of the closet, stands up and brushes off the dust on her knees, "That would be great, thanks dad."
He nods and leaves her room.
He returns fifteen minutes later with her childhood walkman. "Sorry," he says when he walks into her room, "Took me awhile to find it," he hands it to her, "I grabbed the headphones, too. Oh, and I put batteries in it. So, all set, I guess."
She smiles at him gratefully and rises to hug him tightly. "Thank you, so much."
He pats her awkwardly on the back; he doesn't know what he did that was so great. "Anytime, Alex."
*****
Theresa sends him once again to check on her. He grumbles to himself but kicks off his covers and climbs out of bed. She isn't in her bedroom. He pauses, and then remembers.
Sure enough she's in the guest bedroom; he can make out her small frame, curled up under the comforter and listens to her steady breathing. He can barely hear it though over the awful music coming from the headphones that are securely on her ears.
*****
She's refreshed after her weekend at home. She hugs her mom and dad goodbye, even pecks Max on the cheek (much to his chagrin).
She's happy. And hopes to stay that way once she's back at Columbia.
Abby notices the difference in her immediately and soon engages her in conversation. Alex really likes the girl after their long talk, finds that they have a lot in common. She realizes that Abby was so quiet their first week there because she was wary of the moody girl. Alex apologized for her behavior but Abby brushes it off.
Alex hopes they can be friends.
*****
She gets invited to a party the next weekend. She accepts the invitation. It's been awhile since she's let loose (the last time she did so, she swept her V-Card at the wrong register, but she learns from her mistakes) and she's eager to relax.
The beat of the music pounds against her temple, but she likes it. She enjoys feeling, it's been so long. She gets her own drink and leaves the room full of dancing bodies. Smoke fills the room, makes her sight hazy, but soon she finds a less crowded room and seats herself on the couch. She finishes her drink, downs another one, and another. And finally she's just tipsy enough to dance with the guy that's been asking her to do so for the past three songs.
She dances with him for the next few songs, lets herself believe that he really does like her, wants to get to know her and not in her pants. He convinces her to have another drink, she does. And now she's feeling a little sick. It's been so long since she's drank. She tells him she's tired, doesn't want to dance. He wraps his arm around her waist and leads her to a deserted bedroom.
Alex follows him, she's so tired, doesn't have much control over herself. She doesn't realize that this is turning into a bad teen movie.
Doesn't realize it until the guy is leaning over her on the bed, kissing his way down her neck, his hand finding its way under her shirt and creeping toward her breast. She turns her head away from his lips, tries to raise her hands to push him away. But he puts more of his weight on her, forcing her to stay where she is. She tries to scream, but his hand covers her mouth.
She can hear the music outside the room, can hear people laughing and talking outside of the closed door. She screams, but it's no use, it's muffled and no one can hear her.
"Shh," he tells her, nuzzling her neck, "It's okay."
Tears well up in her eyes and she feels his hand on her thigh, feels his fingers tracing the zipper on her pants.
She closes her eyes, prepares herself for what's about to come.
A/N: Thank you so much for your reviews! Please, keep them up!