Chapter 4
"I don't live anywhere anymore."
Jane started awake once again. She'd become accustomed to this by now and as the room started to take shape she was quicker to remember where she was this time.
She was in New York with Maura. The idea that she was on a vacation didn't seem so foreign to her this time. She went to shift her position in bed attempting to stretch a bit when she felt Maura's presence next to her. She wasn't nearly as surprised by this as she was the night before having this time remembered that she once again had made her way into Maura's room.
She let her eyes adjust to the darkness of the room and was able to take in the sleeping ME. Maura was on her side curled into the detective with her left arm loosely draped over Jane's side. If Jane turned her head she would be staring right at the woman. Not wanting to wake her but also being unable to resist, Jane did turn her head and stare.
Maura was sound asleep and even in the darkness of the room Jane knew there weren't too many things on Earth that were as beautiful as a peaceful, sleeping Maura Isles. She was beautiful in every sense of the word but Jane had always found something even a tiny bit more amazing about her when she was like this. There was a calmness about her in her sleep that Jane envied.
She turned her head back and stared up at the ceiling for a minute. In the darkness of the night she chastised herself. She knew she shouldn't have come to Maura's room last night. She couldn't turn that into a habit. She needed to start sleeping in her own bed. At some point she was seriously going to run the risk of Maura figuring out she had feelings for her.
She'd already probably pushed the envelope enough. Between invading Maura's sleeping space and letting that woman believe they were a couple, Jane was taking too many risks. If she wasn't more careful Maura was going to start asking questions Jane just wasn't prepared to answer.
She should get up and head back to her own room. She should let Maura have her room back and get out of her way. But what she should do and what she did were just two different things. Instead of getting up, Jane snuggled in closer to the ME. She wanted what she found the night before. She wanted a chance to fall back asleep after the nightmare and seemed to quickly realize her only chance of making that happen was if she stayed right where she was.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow she would stay in her own room. For tonight, she burrowed back into the warmth of the doctor's presence having now convinced herself it would be too hard to explain her sudden absence in the morning. Unable to resist the urge, she turned and placed a light kiss onto Maura's forehead and settled into a comfortable position holding the ME against her. And just like the night before sleep did find the detective once again.
R&I
Beep, beep, beep.
On pure instinct Jane's arm swatted at the beeping that was threatening to disturb her sleep. Her arm managed to hit the snooze button on the alarm and she snuggled into the warmth of the covers happy to have found silence again.
"Jane."
She knew the voice. Although still somewhat asleep her mind quickly pieced together that an alarm going off and Maura's voice hovering somewhere in the room was supposed to mean she needed to get up. But what she needed to do and what she wanted to do were at direct odds with each other in that moment.
So she burrowed deeper into the covers.
"Jane."
Maura's voice had picked up a hint of a smile. Jane could always tell when Maura was smiling as she talked.
"5 more minutes," Jane mumbled not really sure if Maura would understand what she was saying since she said it more into her pillow than out loud.
She heard Maura snicker so she knew the ME understood what she was trying to ask for.
"Five minutes is not nearly enough time for you to enter into and complete a full sleep cycle," warned the ME. "Attempting to extend your sleep for such a short period of time will in fact do more harm than good. Your sleep inertia will be significant and it will likely result in an increase in fatigue and a decrease in overall mental clarity."
"So." It really was the only response Jane could think of in that moment. She knew she lost and would be getting up but she wasn't ready to admit to that just yet.
Again the ME snickered and it took on the tone that she was well aware of the fact that Jane wasn't going to get her 5 minutes. "So, it's time to get up. I have coffee for you and I've made breakfast."
Hearing the word coffee perked Jane up enough for her to withdrawal her head from her blanket cocoon. "Coffee?" she asked finally opening her eyes and looking at Maura.
Maura couldn't help the smile on her face. Jane was simply adorable in the mornings when she really didn't want to get up. She stepped closer to the bed and held out a cup of coffee for the detective.
Jane let her eyes settle on the cup in Maura's hand and finally shifted to sit up in bed. She reached out and took the cup of her favorite beverage.
"Thank you," she said.
"You're welcome," Maura replied with a smile. "Come have breakfast." And with that, the ME left the room knowing Jane would in fact get up and join her.
Jane took a few slips of her coffee and finally extracted herself from the covers on the bed. She looked over at the time. It was just after 8 and she vaguely remembered Maura's warning about needing to get up at that time. As she let herself wake and start to move around she had to admit it was the second night in a row she had gotten a decent amount of sleep.
She headed into the kitchen to join Maura. Maura had indeed made breakfast. Egg white omelets, wheat toast and fruit were all waiting for the detective. Jane took a seat next to Maura who had just finished adding fruit to Jane's plate.
"Maur," she said as she settled into her chair, "you didn't have to do all of this."
"I know," she answered. "But I was hungry so I figured if I was going to eat something I'd make enough for the two of us."
Jane smiled. "Thank you."
"Anytime," Maura answered back with a smile. "How'd you sleep?" She had woken up at 6 and found herself snuggled into Jane's side. It really was a nice way to wake up. It even took her a few minutes to get herself out of Jane's arms without waking the detective. She was actually relieved to see Jane was sound asleep as she knew Jane still needed to the rest.
"Good," Jane said as she started to tackle her omelet. She swallowed her food and looked up at Maura. "I'm sorry I keep ending up in your bed," she said sheepishly. It was now the second nocturnal visit and they hadn't really talked about it yet. Jane knew she needed to try to sound as casual about it as possible and couldn't let another morning go without at least mentioning it.
"Don't be sorry," Maura said reassuringly. "I have no issues sharing a bed with you." Maura deliberately avoided eye contact when she said that. Not because it wasn't true. But because she was afraid Jane would see just how true that statement really was. She let a moment pass and then looked up at Jane. She smiled but it was a concerned smile. "I've been worried about you. You haven't been sleeping much."
"I know you're worried," Jane admitted. "And I'm sorry about that too." She hated that she made Maura worry about her.
"Jane," Maura said and reached over putting her hand on top of Jane's. "You're my best friend. I'm always going to worry about you when something is bothering you." She paused for a moment trying to think of the right words to use so Jane would hear her. "Don't ever forget that I'm here for you. Whatever you need."
"Maur," Jane started but stopped not sure what to say.
"I mean it," Maura continued. "Whatever you need. And that includes listening if you ever want to talk about your nightmares," she paused again to watch Jane's reaction as this was the first time she had mentioned nightmares to Jane.
Jane winced but didn't say anything.
"When you are ready to talk about that of course," Maura continued trying to reassure Jane she wasn't going to push for details. "But for now that 'whatever' includes sharing a bed if that helps you sleep better. This whole vacation was meant to give you a break and for you to get some rest. I'll do whatever I can to help with that."
Jane should have known Maura would figure out she was having nightmares. Sometimes she wondered with as well as Maura seemed to know her how the woman could miss the fact that she had feelings for her. She couldn't seem to hide anything else from the genius.
She looked at the ME and tried to think of something to say. But she really wasn't ready to talk about her nightmares. Not yet. She knew she would just as she knew she would to Maura. Maura was the only person in her life she felt comfortable talking about her insecurities. She just wasn't ready to do so yet.
But she heard what Maura was saying and she appreciated it more than she knew she would ever find the words to thank her for it. So instead of answering with words, Jane did the only thing she could think of. She turned the hand that had been underneath Maura's and took ahold of it. She laced her fingers with Maura's and gently squeezed.
Maura understood the action immediately. No one was generally allowed to touch Jane's hands. Not even Angela. But Maura always knew Jane would allow her touch. She wouldn't do it often as she knew it bothered Jane but from time to time she would place her hand over Jane's. Sitting at that table watching Jane deliberately take her hand and interlace their fingers, Maura understood exactly what Jane was trying to say without needing the words.
They sat in a comfortable silence just looking at each other for a few moments before Jane finally released Maura's hand. "Your breakfast is getting cold," she said shifting the subject.
Maura nodded and let the subject change without question. "We need to eat and you need to get ready," she said.
Jane returned to eating as well. "Where are we going today?" Maura still wasn't telling her much of anything.
"You will see when we get there," was all Maura answered as a big grin spread across her face.
R&I
An hour later Maura and Jane were heading downstairs and into the car Maura had ordered. Jane still didn't quite understand why Maura avoided taxis but she knew she didn't have much say in the matter so she just followed the ME into the car. She thought maybe she'd get a sense of where they were heading when Maura told the driver where to go but apparently the driver knew the destination since Maura never had to say anything after they were in the car.
They chatted off and on and Jane finally gave up trying to figure out the destination realizing she didn't know New York well enough to get an idea from watching the passing scenery. When the car finally came to a stop and they got out Jane was more confused than ever.
"Maura?" she asked looking around. "What are we doing here?"
"I told you that you'll see when we get there," she said with a smile and headed off towards the Isles jet.
"We're leaving?" Jane asked following behind the doctor. "We didn't pack our stuff."
"We aren't leaving New York yet," Maura assured her. "We are just taking a little day trip."
Jane and Maura entered the jet and were greeted by the pilots. "Good morning ladies," Randy greeted. "Today is a perfect day for a quick flight. As soon as you both are settled, we're ready for takeoff."
"Thanks," Maura said with a smile. "We are ready to head out."
Randy nodded and made his way into the cockpit.
Jane and Maura both took their seats and buckled in. It didn't take long for the jet to start taxiing towards the runway.
"Maura," Jane tried again still completely unsure of where they were going and why they were flying. "Where are we going?"
Maura looked over at a very confused Jane. "If you really insist on knowing I will tell you. But honestly Jane I wanted today to be a surprise for you so I really want you to just trust me and wait and see once we get there."
Jane didn't want to ruin anything Maura had planned so she nodded. "I trust you," she answered. She wouldn't ask again where they were headed.
The plane took off without incident and as soon as they leveled off Eric's voice came over the PA. "Ladies, our flight is extremely short so you won't have too much time to move about the cabin. But there's no weather or any expected turbulence so feel free to move about. We'll let you know when we are about to make our descent."
Neither lady needed to move around so they just sat and talked during the flight. Eric hadn't been kidding about the quick flight. Only about 30 minutes into the flight they announced the plane was landing and before Jane knew it they were on the ground.
Once again, when they got off the jet there was a car waiting for them. Jane really was going to have to talk to Maura about how much she was already spending on this vacation. They filed into the car and just like this morning Maura did not have to tell the driver where they were going.
And just like this morning, Jane couldn't really figure anything out by looking out the window. Until she saw it.
"Oh my God," she uttered and turned to look at Maura. "Really?"
It was as excited as Maura had seen Jane get in a long time. She smiled at her reaction. "Really. I figured since we were already this close we needed to come here."
Cooperstown, New York. Home of the Baseball Hall of Fame.
Jane had never been here before but it had definitely been on her bucket list of places to see. And now she was pulling up to the Hall. She'd never have thought of this. Going to New York City was one thing but Jane just wouldn't have thought to include a day trip to Cooperstown. What Maura was doing for her was more than she felt she deserved.
The car stopped and Maura got out. Jane paused for a moment until Maura poked her head back in the car. "Are you coming?" she simply asked with a smile.
"Oh yeah," was all Jane could manage.
"So," Maura asked as they made their way towards the entrance. "A good surprise?"
Jane was going to start to tell her this was more than she should be doing but when she saw the look on Maura's face she knew that was the last thing she could say. Maura just seemed to be so pleased with herself that she had pulled this off and brought Jane here that Jane immediately knew there was only one answer she could give.
"Maybe the best surprise I've ever had," she finally said and she meant it. No one had done anything like this for her before and standing there she was absolutely thrilled that it had been Maura who pulled it off.
Hearing Jane's answer brought a huge smile to Maura's face. It was the kind of smile Jane loved to see on the ME. The one that reached her eyes and just seemed to make the hazel sparkle even more than they usually did.
"Come on," Jane said suddenly all excited. She took Maura's hand and started to pull her towards the entrance.
Maura giggled and followed Jane. "Slow down," she cautioned. "We can stay here all day if you want. There's no need to rush."
R&I
Jane insisted on paying for the tickets to go through the museum and Maura didn't argue. She wasn't trying to pay for everything during the vacation. She had just wanted things lined up and planned. She knew Jane would have some issues with transportation and accommodations along the way but she hoped Jane would allow for all her arrangements without too much of a fuss and Maura knew there would be plenty of places for Jane to pay for things as the trip continued.
They walked into the Hall after getting a small booklet and map giving information on all of the exhibits and displays. Jane was a little overwhelmed by the size of everything for a moment she didn't know where to even begin. The two stepped off to the side to review the Hall information and decide where to head first.
"All of the busts and members of the Hall are on the first floor," Jane said as she got acquainted with the map.
"Jane," Maura said, "why don't we just walk through all of the exhibits?" This was the only stop she had planned for the day and since they flew down here on the jet they really did have all day to walk through and look at everything.
"Excuse me," came a voice from behind both ladies.
Both Jane and Maura turned and found an elder gentleman wearing a sports coat with a Hall of Fame emblem and a name tag with the name of Herb. They both seemed to realize immediately that the man was most likely a museum volunteer.
Herb smiled at the two and continued once he saw he had their attention. "I couldn't help but overhear you two talking about where to start. I assume this is your first time to our Hall?"
Maura nodded and Jane answered. "Yes, it is."
Herb smiled again. "May I make a suggestion then?"
"Sure," Jane answered.
"A lot of our guests have found that the best way to get through everything here is to start their tour through the exhibits up on the third floor and work their way back down to the first floor. I, too, make that recommendation. That lets you see all of our exhibits and end your tour with the busts and Hall members. I like to call it saving the best for last."
Jane and Maura looked quickly at each other and back towards Herb. "Thank you for the advice," Jane said. "Maura?"
"That sounds fine with me," Maura replied.
"Are you both baseball fans?" Herb asked.
"Jane here is a lifelong fan," Maura answered. "I've only recently discovered the joy of the sport."
Herb smiled again. "It's nice to see ladies coming through our Hall. Be sure to check out our 'Diamond Dreams' exhibit on the second floor. That's our exhibit about women in baseball."
"We will," Jane said. "Thank you."
Herb walked away from the ladies after directing them towards the elevators.
R&I
They made it all the way through the museum and were walking through the first level with all the inductee busts. The roles from the previous day had been a total reverse. Today it was Jane talking non-stop about each display and exhibit they looked at. It was Jane offering up facts and random tidbits about games, teams or players. Maura had taken on the role of the active listener and she had loved every second of their time spent to that point.
In truth, she was enthralled. As they had walked she was pulled into Jane's enthusiasm as they moved from room to room. Jane was alive and animated as she explained the story or relevance of what they were looking at. Jane had taken on such a childlike demeanor of wonderment that Maura couldn't help but be drawn in.
By the second floor Maura was sure she was concentrating more on Jane and her reactions to things than she was the actual items or displays. She seemed to hear less and less of Jane's words and felt more and more of Jane's exuberance. As her focused stayed tuned into Jane, she was sure of one thing. She was totally swept up in Jane's inner beauty.
Her physical beauty was undeniable. Tall, athletic and dark Italian complexion made it impossible for anyone not to notice her natural beauty. The fact that she routinely down played it and seemed to go out of her way to not call any particular attention to herself in truth only made her beauty that much more prominent.
But what Maura was so wrapped up in that day wasn't Jane's physical beauty. It was her inner beauty. It was something few others were allowed to see and its rarity was part of what had Maura enthralled. Her enthusiasm. Her intelligence. Her innocence. Her unwavering devotion to a baseball team that was indicative of her tremendous loyalty. All the aspects of what made Jane Jane seemed to be on display in front of Maura without hindrance. Without reservation. Just pure Jane.
How could Maura not be drawn to her? How could anyone not love her for who she was?
It took a moment for Maura to pull out of her thoughts enough to realize they had stopped walking and Jane had stopped talking. She turned to look at the bust they had stopped in front of and for a moment she waited for Jane to start an explanation on this player's history. But none seemed to be coming.
"Jane?" she asked not sure why they'd stopped.
"Ted Williams," Jane said indicating that was the player they had stopped in front of. She was quiet for a moment but then continued. "Best Red Sox to ever put on the uniform." Jane refused to acknowledge Babe Ruth ever spent any part of his career as a Red Sox.
Jane had a cryptic smile on her face that Maura couldn't quite decipher. "Your favorite?" she asked.
Jane shook her head. "Pop's," she answered quieter than she had been all afternoon. There was just a hint of sadness to her tone.
Maura took a minute to read through the information and statistics for Williams sensing Jane wanted a moment. She wasn't the most knowledgeable of baseball fans but one run through Williams lifetime stats was all Maura needed to understand how he was inducted into the Hall of Fame.
"Was it Frank who first introduced you to baseball?" Maura asked.
Jane turned to look at Maura and got another cryptic smile on her face. "No," she answered. "Not initially. But baseball was what first bonded us together." Maura was about to ask Jane to explain but suddenly Jane was starting to move along.
Jane went back to talking and explaining details about the Hall members. She was excited but not as animated as she had been before they had stopped in front of Ted Williams. Maura didn't push Jane on the subject of Frank not wanting to upset her. She knew there were times Jane wanted to talk about her father and times where she just didn't. Based on Jane's reaction, this was clearly one of the time she didn't want to discuss him.
So Maura simply allowed Jane to walk her through the remaining members of the Hall.
R&I
They'd been up in the air for about 10 minutes before Maura tried to broach the subject with Jane. Jane had been staring out the window of the jet lost in thought. Maura thought she'd try to test Jane's willingness to talk.
"Jane?" she asked getting the detective's attention.
"Yeah," Jane said turning to face the ME.
"Can I ask you something?" Maura asked quietly.
"Sure," Jane said almost certain she knew what Maura was going to ask her about.
"What did you mean when you said baseball was what bonded you and Frank?" She wasn't sure if Jane would give her an answer but she was curious.
Jane looked at Maura and started to explain. "It was my grandma who first got me hooked on baseball. When we were kids we used to visit my grandparents pretty regularly. They only lived across town. I was maybe only about three or four years old when I remember watching my first game. My grandma was watching a game and I ended up climbing up into her lap and watched most of the game with her. I usually would go play with some neighborhood kids or out in the yard but for some reason that visit I wanted to watch what my grandma was watching. So I sat on her lap and she tried to explain things to me from time to time. I didn't understand everything but I remember I liked watching all the players run after the ball and throw it.
"Over the next year or so, every time we went to my grandparents if there was any baseball game on at all, I'd settle in next to my grandma and watch the game. Even if there were other kids in the neighborhood to play with I wanted to watch the game with her. Frankie was still just a baby so he wasn't much fun to play with yet. The more I watched the more my grandma explained all the rules and I started to understand the game and started cheering for the Red Sox."
"That had to make your dad happy," Maura said still not sure if Jane really wanted to talk about Frank.
"It changed our entire relationship," Jane admitted with a smile.
"How?" Maura asked again not understanding how baseball could change their relationship.
"Until I discovered baseball," Jane said again with a slight smile, "Pop just really didn't know what to do with me." Jane again saw the confused look on Maura's face. "Pop just didn't know how to relate to a girl," Jane clarified. "He had it in his head that because I was a girl there wasn't anything he had in common with me. He was sort of convinced I belonged to Ma more than him."
"Really?" Maura said surprised. Although Jane was estranged from her father now it just seemed like they had always been close. Maura had often thought Jane seemed to be Frank's favorite.
Jane released a small chuckle. "It wasn't that he didn't love me. He did. It really was just that he didn't know what he could or couldn't do with me. It didn't help matters much that Ma constantly put me in dresses and was always doing up my hair. Until I was old enough to forcibly complain my room looked like a bottle of Pepto Bismol exploded all over the walls.
"Between the dresses, the pink room and all the 'girly' toys and dolls Ma got for me, Pop just couldn't relate to all of that. He wouldn't roughhouse with me when he would play with me. I think he was afraid I was fragile or that he'd hurt me. Pop knew about 'guy' things. Sports, cars, plumbing. He just didn't get dolls and cooking and 'girl' things."
"But you didn't play with dolls," Maura pointed out. From everything she heard about Jane's childhood Jane was a tomboy. "Or ever like the color pink."
"No, I didn't," Jane agreed. "But Ma was convinced I did. No matter how hard I objected or cried, I got put in dresses. My room was pink. Pink Maura. She just always thought I'd eventually start to like it and start acting like a girl was supposed to act."
"But that's not who you are. Surely Angela had to realize that," Maura said.
"Ma has away been very good with denial," Jane admitted. "She clung to the hope that one day I would just wake up and want to put the dress on and want to have her do my hair. All my cousins who were girls were into all the dresses and dolls. Ma really wanted that too. But it was never going to happen."
"And Frank?" Maura tested that water again.
"Like I said," Jane started, "Pop really didn't know exactly what to do with me. It wasn't until Pop figured out that I was watching, and enjoying, baseball with my grandma that he finally seemed to see that there was something we could share together. Something he could relate to. Once he saw I was really getting into baseball, well, it changed everything.
"He started watching games with me. He taught me the rest of the rules my grandma hadn't told me about. He taught me how to catch and throw a ball. Eventually he taught me to hit one too. Somewhere in the middle of sharing his love of baseball, he stopped seeing me as a 'girl' and just saw me as his daughter. Once that happened I found an ally in him and soon after Ma wasn't allowed to put me in a dress if I didn't want to wear it. My room changed over to green instead of pink. Ma stopped buying me dolls and Pop starting buying me baseball cards."
Maura didn't know what to say but she could easily picture the transition that seemed to have occurred in the Rizzoli household. A transition that allowed Jane to be who she really was instead of being forced to be her mother's idea of who she should be. Maura was suddenly very appreciative to Frank for his role in that transition just as she knew Jane must have been.
"Baseball is a lot of things to me," Jane said. "But one of them will always be a connection to Pop."
There was no mistaking the sad tone in her voice.
Maura reached over and placed her hand on top of Jane's in an attempt to comfort her. "You miss him." It wasn't really a question. It was clear that Jane did.
Jane was quiet for a minute but then answered. "I miss who he used to be to me."
"I didn't mean to upset you," Maura said apologetically now sorry Jane's tone had changed.
Jane looked up at Maura and smiled. "Hey, you didn't upset me Maura," she reassured her. "You gave me one of the best days I've ever had. I'll never forget this."
That made Maura smile and she gently squeezed Jane's hand before finally pulling hers back. They spent the rest of the flight back to the city in a comfortable silence.