A/N; I'm back!!! I know it's been forever since I've updated this. My apologies but I've been busy. A bit of a change this time around, but I hope you like it all the same. Disclaimers at the end.
4.
Old Vs. New
Dust was everywhere as Rector walked into the studio. A cracked floorboard here and there along with faded scorch marks was testament to the chaos that had once plagued the studio.
"I hate cleaning," Rector said to himself as he climbed into the lighting booth. Blowing off his workspace the mouse quickly flipped switches and tuned in dials. Slowly the lights, and more importantly considering the cold winter outside, and heaters started up. The added light only showed the level of disuse the studio had fallen into. A few holes in the stage, along with moldy and smelling remnants of junk food from the Green Room were soon visible.
"I really hate cleaning," the lighting mouse said as he pushed the "summons" button on the light board. A whirling mist of fog appeared on the stage. Soon figures were visible within the tornado like columns of mist. The five figures soon reveled themselves to be none other than Kelaiah, Arawolf Beechclaw, Kayln and Aelin Wordsmith, and Kris. The ladies and Kris were fortune enough to avoid landing in one of the holes. Sadly the same could not be said for Kel.
Human – Kel; You've got to be kidding me! Not three paragraphs in and Ferret – Kel is already in a hole.
warrior4; (smiles brightly) Yup!
Human- Kel; Why?
warrior4; Why not? Now shut up and let me get through this.
After the bespectacled ferret had pulled himself out of the hole he was able to get his bearings. The other crew members were to busy covering their noses to pay Kel much mind.
"I was beginning to wonder when we'd all get together again," Kris said.
"Jeez Rector!" Kel wasn't too impressed with the state of the studio. "Why'd you let this place get so rundown?"
"I've been busy," replied the lighting mouse simply.
"Too busy to keep the place clean obviously," Aelin said as she picked at the dried remains of what in a previous life might have been a tasty morsel of junk food now plastered to her soundboard. "This'll take me forever to clean."
Ara looked over at Kel. "Take a look see through that fancy lazer of yours. Maybe it's got an insta-clean function."
Kel obliged and to his surprise there in fact was such an icon. After a few taps the studio began to clean itself in a very Mary Poppins-like manner yet without the song and dance number. Kel was quite pleased with this discovery.
"Hey why didn't I know about this earlier? Think how easier this'll make things!"
"Probably because you threw out the directions Kelly," Kayln muttered under her breath as she set up her camera.
"What was that?" Kel asked.
"Oh nothing," Kayln replied with a sweet as sugar smile that really didn't fool anyone.
"So who's the Sue we're getting rid of this time?" Kris asked as he started up his graphics computer.
"There isn't one." Rector told them all.
storiewriter; No Sue? But I thought that was all we did? Sues, Trolls, and the like.
warrior4; I couldn't think of anything anti-Sueish so I came up with a different idea. Now hush.
"Then what did you bring us all here for?" Ara tried twirling a dagger in her claws, but due to a lack of practice she promptly dropped the thing.
"I figured we could branch out a bit," Rector explained. "All we do is Sue's and the like and after a while it gets kinda boring. So maybe something else to change things up."
Kayln was still skeptical. "But part of the fun is seeing the audience go crazy and try to beat up the Sue. Without an audience riot what fun are we, not to mention Steve, going to have?"
"Trust me if all goes according to plan we'll have our audience at each other's throats and Steve will…well actually he'll probably leave a few more outline holes in the walls, but hey that's what's so much fun about these things. Now if you'll all read the show outlines that are being sent to your respective monitors lets get this thing on the road."
The crew did so even though Ara was looking somewhat murderous at the prospect of a Sue-free show. Her Flying Guillotine hadn't been used for a good long while and she didn't want it to rust.
Soon the word got around and the audience of Redwallers of all eras were taking their seats. With a few deft controls Kris brought the screen down and graphics were soon flying over the stage.
WELCOME BACK TO EVERYONE'S FAVORITE TALK SHOW!!
NOW IN 3-D!!
FREE FOOD FOR ALL!!
"Overdoing it a bit there," Ara whispered into her mike.
The graphics cut off as Kris got his computer under control and the screen raised up to revel Kel standing front and center on the stage. No sooner had he appeared then he was hit by two of Rectors low power spotlights. The ferret shot his paws to his eyes under the blinding light.
"Rector!! Knock it off!!"
"I thought you liked being in the spotlight. So I figured if you liked one you'd love two!"
"I like being able to see more!" The spotlights dimmed a bit and Kel blinked a bit to clear his vision. Taking a deep breath he smiled to his audience. "Welcome back everyone to-"
"That's everybeast," said a defeated sounding Dandin from his seat.
"- Everyone's Favorite Talk Show," Kel went on as if he hadn't heard the comment. "After a very long hiatus we're back with a bit of a different twist. First off I'd like to say that I wear frilly pink pajamas in the summer when it's hot. KAYLN!!"
Behind her camera/teleprompter the gray squirrel laughed loudly. After the audience wolf whistled and cheered quite a bit Kel glared at the camera squirrel but got back to the actual script.
"Ahem! While we don't have a Sue or Stu to terrorize this time we're going to explore a topic that have many curious. Which books are better? The newer ones or the older ones? To answer this we're going to have several characters defend their respective stories."
After a few taps on his lazer's teleport function several of the audience members were suddenly onstage. Included were Matthias, Martin the Warrior, Cluny the Scourge, Badrang, Tammo, Damug Warfang Triss, Princess Kurda, Gorath the Flame, and Viska Longtooth.
"Let's hear it for our victi- I mean guests," said Kel as they appeared onstage. A few confused claps were heard from the audience but for the most part they were just befuddled.
"So we've got a fairly representative sampling of good and bad characters from earlier books, later books, and mid-range stories."
"Hey now!" Martin spoke up. "I've been in or mentioned in every story out there! Why am I on the 'older stories' side?"
"Probably because you can't keep your trap shut!" Badrang snapped irritably.
"Actually it's because the stories where you are actually alive are more on the older story side." Kel informed the Warrior.
"I don't even see why we need this show," Cluny snapped. "There's not a blasted one of you who doesn't know who the greatest warlord of all time was. No one else was able to hold siege to Redwall as long as me. Some never even saw the walls of that place." He said with a glare at Damug and Badrang.
The Greatrat and Tyrant leapt up and drew their weapons aimed straight at Cluny's single eye.
"Watch yore tone one-eye," Damug snarled.
"Aye, you don't want to go losing your other one know," Badrang growled.
"Ha!," Cluny wasn't impressed. "Better a one-eyed rat who actually stood in Great Hall than some whelp who went and got themselves killed by some crazy badger or mouse."
"Wasn't dat one killed bya big bell?" Kurda asked Viska.
"Aye so he was. I'd stake me oath on it." The fox replied.
With those remarks the two rats and stoat turned on the ferret and fox. "As if you two were any better." Badrang spat at them. "Neither of you two would have rated even as captains in our hordes let alone leaders."
Viska swung his mace threateningly as he stood up from his chair. "Wot's that suppos'd t'mean stoatie? I's the most skilled Sea Raider ever t'set t'sea 'an dat's a fact!"
Damug actually did spit on Viska's footpaw at that. "Skilled my left claw! What self-respecting vermin would follow a skinny runt of a fox who can't even be understood half the time."
That was it for Viska. With a roar he launched himself at Damug swinging his mace. The Rapscallion met it with his sword and launched his own attack. Not to be left out Kurda, Cluny, and Badrang leapt into the fray and began fighting for all they were worth as insults rang out.
"Swordsbeast you calls yerself? You can barely lift that blade."
"You's da one wh can't lift a blade one-eye!"
"Tyrant? Yer jus' a lan'lubber what got 'isself killed by some hopped up mouse!"
"Better than you ever accomplished. Marshank inspires fear to this day!"
"Ya! If you call laffin' fear!"
Kel by now was trying to desperately trying to get his stage under control. His lazer lay quite useless on the other side of the stage from him as it had been knocked out of his paw early in the fight. The skinny ferret didn't really have a chance against some of the hardest baddies in Mossflower and beyond.
Finally he did the one thing he had hoped to avoid. He looked at the rest of the crew. "A little help?" he asked with a whine.
"Took ya long enough to ask," Ara growled as she drew her sword. With a few easy slashes several of the sandbags that are always hanging above a stage came crashing down on the fighting creatures. Thusly knocked out they were quite easily dragged offstage by Steve who instead of trying to break up the fight had been trying to open a new box of dog biscuts.
"Thanks Ara that was-"
WHAM!!
A last sandbag had landed squarely on Kels right footpaw. He howled and hopped in pain as he faced the camera again.
"We'll be right back after this word from our sponsor."
The red light over Kayln's camera went off signaling the start of a break. Kel immediately ran off to the Green Room to find an ice pack. While he was gone the fight between the baddies had restarted. However this time the respective hordes had gotten into the mix. As Kel walked back to the main studio he found the place in utter chaos.
Teams of villains were attacking each other tooth and nail regardless of whether their leader had been on stage or not. They were the villains and they liked nothing better than a good fracas. Rats, stoats, weasels, and the like were all shouting, screaming, and in some cases flying through the air.
"Ah, that's better," Ara commented as she put her footpaws up on a stool and began to happily munch on popcorn.
Kel for his part looked up at the lighting booth. "This is the thanks I get for being nice to you?"
"Oh relax and enjoy the fun for once," Rector told him. "That's your problem you're to wound up all the time."
"I wonder why when there is total anarchy erupting around me all the time," the sarcastic tone was clear in Kel's voice.
Rector ignored him but keyed a different button on his headset. "Hey Aelin, how about one of those vermin/woodlander screens from the arena?"
"Coming right up," came the reply from the sound otter. With a snap of her claws an Otherpath pocket opened up to reveal the handy "Angry Mob Supplies" storefront. Bending over the counter Aelin began searching through the stacks of merchandise that she had putting off organizing.
Oreramar; You calling me lazy?
warrior4; Not at all, just expanding on the procrastination trait you put into that picture meme thing of Aelin.
Oreramar; Oh, ok then, I guess
warrior4; Would you rather me write something that requires Aelin a cup of mouthwash?
Oreramar; No this is good
warrior4; Thought so
Tossing unlit torches, pitchforks, cluster bombs, claymore mines, a bazooka or two, and a few lightsabers over her shoulders the brown otter finally found what she was looking for. A curious looking package that read "One ACME INSTA-WALL, JUST ADD WATER"
"Wile E. Coyote isn't going to be happy when he finds out you stole his catalogue," Kris said.
"Quiet," Aelin barked at him. Her expression then turned somewhat curious as she was overcome by a fit of giggles. "Hehehehehehehehehehehe! This is gonna be fun! Hehehehehehehehehehehe!"
Kayln swept a paw over her eyes. "Oh this ain't gonna be good."
The squirrel was soon proved right. Aelin put the package down just to one side of the rioting creatures that by this time had gotten a hold of several security tazer spears. The stench of burnt vermin was getting stronger and stronger. Grabbing an abandoned cup of water from some creature that had wisely gotten away from the fight she upended it over the package.
SPROING!!
The package opened with much the same sound as a rapidly expanding cartoon spring. A wall of plexiglass much like the boards at a hockey game surrounded the warring vermin. Fortunately the wall was also soundproof so the annoying sounds of fighting wouldn't be heard.
"How'd you manage the soundproofing?" Kris asked as he tapped the plexiglass.
"Tricks of the trade," said a still grinning Aelin. There might not be a Sue or Stu around but at the sound of battle her blood had gotten up. Reaching behind her she had drawn her two short swords and…
Oreramar; Short swords? Why are they short?
warrior4; Have you ever actually tried to draw a sword from behind your back like that? They have to be short or your arm won't be able to reach high enough to draw them completely out of the scabbard. That's why in battle it's a lot more practical to have a long sword at your hip.
Oreramar; Oh well I guess that makes sense
…leapt over the wall to add a little of her own carnage. She wasn't surprised to find Ara also in the midst of the fighting creatures dealing damage with her garlic sword and Flying Guillotine.
"Um, ladies? We're about to come back from break." Kel was still standing on stage rubbing his footpaw as he tried to get their attention.
"You really think you'll get their attention like that?" Kris asked. "You need something with a little more punch." With that he aimed his trusty bazooka at the box, which promptly sent the few woodlanders still remaining diving for cover, and pulled the trigger.
KA BOOOOOM!!
Kris found himself blown backwards by the blast and covered in a fine black dust blinking blankly around him. The wall itself was unharmed. Shaking his head he looked at Kel, who was quite glad that someone else had finally taken the brunt of a backfire. "Just teleport them out then."
"Can't get a good lock, there's too many in the way."
Above all the chaos and carnage Rector was rummaging around under the lighting controls. "If you want something done right you've got to do it yourself," he muttered to himself.
Emerging victorious from his search he nocked one of his patent pending Peace Mist Patriot Arrows to his bow. Drawing back he let fly over the wall. Soon the calming mist had sent the fighting vermin into a deep sleep. Kel was able to teleport Ara and Aelin out even if they were still unconscious.
"Kind of a higher dose that time," Rector told the all. "Wave something tasty in front of their faces and they should wake up."
No sooner had the aroma of chocolate been placed under their noses did the marten and otter wake up to quickly scarf the chocolate bar that had woken them up. Retaking their places just in time for Kayln to announce the return from break.
"In five…four…." she cut off to hold up three claws with a countdown to zero. She pointed at Kel as the red light came back on, on her camera.
"Well after a break and bit of remodeling we're back. I'd like to let everyone know that none of the crew or woodlanders was seriously hurt. Although I had hoped it was a certain gray squirrel that had been on the backside of that backfire but alas it wasn't to be."
"HEY!!" Kayln looked quite perturbed at Kel for that one. She promptly threw a custard cream pie at the offending ferret. It stopped short of the ferret to hover in midair a foot away from his face.
"Nah nah!" Kel stuck his tongue out at her. "I gotta force field!"
Muttering to herself Kayln started exploring the function on her Ultimate Pocketknife while she keyed a private channel to another crew member on her headset.
Oblivious to this Kel tried to get the show back on track. "So now that our, well maybe not fine, vermin friends are gone lets address some Redwall heroes shall we?" Kel turned to address the five creatures who had fallen asleep from being ignored.
"AHEM!"
They woke with a start to Kel's impatient cough. Mutter apologies they sat up as Kel began to speak again. "Now I trust that since you all fit into the good guy, and girl Miss Triss, category we won't have any of the bickering we had with the others. So let's start with you Martin. Since you've appeared in or at least been mentioned in every story concerning Redwall has the quality of the story gotten better or worse over the years or seasons depending on your view of time?"
"Well it did seem that there were a lot more big army on army battles in earlier tales. Lately we've gotten few battles and more along the lines of skirmishes."
"I agree old chap," Tammo cut in. "Seems my fight on the ridge was one of the last big battles to take place."
"I wouldn't go that far," Gorath put in. "Don't forget the story of Brocktree's re-conquest of Salamandastron, or that Rakkety Tam fight outside the walls of Redwall."
"Not quite what I meant sah," Tammo tried to explain but Martin cut him off this time.
"And then there was the fight for Green Isle. That was a quite protracted campaign. I should know considering how much advice I gave to Tiria."
"Also depends on your definition of good," Matthias finally spoke up. "How do you judge a good story? Repeating characters from earlier stories? The difficulty of puzzles Martin there leaves? How big the battles were?"
"Now don't go mincin' my words mouse chap." Tammo was trying bravely to defend his point. "I'd just as soon see a smaller battle doncha know. Saves a lot of good beasts being carved up eh wot!"
"So then the stories around my time are better since there's less of that." Gorath put his arms across his chest proudly.
"Never had to quest for anything did you?" Matthias asked the badger. "Not that easy especially when the directions you're given don't lead you to where they should."
"Hey! That rhyme led you right to where it was supposed to. Not my fault sparrows stole the sword." Martin gave Matthias a harsh look.
Off to the side Kel had one paw across his chest and was resting his arm on it. His head was resting on that paw as he tried to stay with the conversation. Save for Triss, who was looking a bit camera shy hence why she was so quiet, the other four were conversing in a polite dry tone that was much like how Professor Binns was described in certain other books. The dull monotony of the show had led many others to zone off in boredom. Save two that is.
A light on her camera started flashing and Kayln knew the timing was optimal. Reaching back she threw another pie at Kel. Boston Cream this time. As before the pie splattered against the force field surrounding Kel. The ferret was too groggy to notice. He should have been paying more attention, especially since the pie was right over his face.
A flash of green from the Split-Your-Own-Atoms level spot light flashed around the force field. While the field held off the radiation, the wooden stage wasn't so lucky. As the spotlight beam had been just larger than the radius of the field a thing line of nothing was soon supporting the floor on which Kel was standing. As anti-gravity was a technology not yet used in any context of the show the resulting crash was quite spectacular.
"Wha? How? Wazzgoinon?" A dizzy Kel was busy pulling himself out of the new hole in the stage when he was hit full in the face by Kayln's next pie. Banana Cream leaving a sticky trail down Kel's muzzle.
Cackling loudly Kayln reached for another pie when she was splattered by a glob of mashed potatoes thrown by one Kelaiah.
Seeing their reactions Kris, who had finally dusted himself off, yelled loudly. "FOOD FIGHT!!"
Rubbing her claws together Ara felt her grin finally come back. "Now this is more like it!"
Soon the entire crew and audience were sending squishy and sploshy food everywhere across the room. None were interesting the show topic anymore. Pies, cakes, French fries, burgers, deeper 'n ever pie, and all manner of food was soaring through the air. A few industrious moles had rigged a hose to the fountain pop machine and were spraying everyone with root beer, cola, and pink lemonade.
"See? You don't need a Sue or Stu to have fun," Rector told a sticky Kayln.
"Just as long as we get one next time," she said as she sent an apple pie flying in the direction of her sister.
"We'll see," said Rector as he upended a five gallon box of fruit punch concentrate on Kel's head.
A/N; So that's what I mean by a bit different. I don't own anything to do with Warner Bros. characters, Harry Potter, Star Wars, or any other creatioins come up with by other authors. Still I hope you had fun reading this. I look forward to comments as always.