The year 20XX. During times of political and economic unrest, no human alive is tackling the true crisis that grips the Earth; measuring the quality of Yuugiou works on . In a world mostly lacking heroes willing to rise live, death and certain boredom to carry out such a mission, only three people will step up and take the challenge head on.
Our heroes are;
1. Biggs Nortons, an ex-Fanfic writer with a serious chip on his shoulder.
2. Eric A. Wedge, a honest-to-Osiris hardcore Yuugiou fan, owning all manga volumes, with every anime episode downloaded, and little to no knowledge of the card game.
3. Jessica Chomsky, no relation to the 'Other Chomsky', as rabid and misinformed as rabid misinformed Yaoi fan girls come.
-Yuugiou: Mystery Card Game Theatre-
Between the four walls that make Biggs' apartment, Eric is alone, seated in his usual spot at the coffee table opposite Jessica's usual place still missing a sizeable portion of the corner. Biggs enters from the kitchen, holding two mugs with steaming coffee. On the other end, the door flies open, revealing an exasperated Jessica. Eric's head shoots up.
Biggs: Shame. Can't you wait until after I've scolded him?
Jessica: I got here as fast as I could; I'm not getting the blame for another schedule slip.
Eric: 'As fast as you could'? In the time we've been waiting for you, we've had the 3D Movie in Japan, a release for said Movie in America, 5D's ending date announced, Zexal revealed, infinite trolling from the guys in Japan (mostly from a certain Yoshida), and you call that 'as fast as I could'? That's not good enough this time.
Jessica: Who the hell pissed in your cereal?
Eric points to Biggs, who stands still holding the two mugs.
Jessica: I'm not even going there…
Biggs and Jessica take their places at the table, the former laying the two mugs to be forgotten and never mentioned again until spilt and picks up the papers laying in front of him.
Biggs: Skipping the part where we argue over what a failure the writer is, we'll just get on wi-
Eric: Writers.
Jessica: Come again?
Biggs: Remember that guy who wrote us out of existence for a few minutes?
Jessica: I thought that was just you losing what little plot you had left.
Eric: An early stab at whatever's lying ahead?
Jessica: Maybe. Depends on if there's any yaoi.
Biggs: …Anyway. He decided he wanted to actually try getting a life and tried to dump the work onto his online-and-therefore-imaginary-'friends'. So we're stuck with another bum this round.
Eric: I thought there was something off about this 'week'. Or maybe that's just the waiting almost 18 months for someone to show up.
Eric casts a glare in Jessica's direction.
Jessica: You're just pissy about what a disappointment the third season was, aren't you? How are Yusei and Aki getting on by the way? Babies yet?
Eric: Shall we just move on to the fic now?
Biggs: I think you could be onto something, Jess. I should actually find out what's going on in the world of spiked and multi-coloured sea-themed hair playing card games in whatever fashion. Anyway, this time, we've got "Alexis Phoenix's Memories" by alexis Serenity Phoenix.
Eric: So not someone who broke away from the main character pairing mould by putting Asuka and Edo together, but rather a self-inserted author.
Biggs: Seeing as the characters it's listed under are Jaden Y./Judai Y. and Alexis R./Asuka T., I highly doubt Edo wouldn't be playing Batman around this neck of the woods.
Jessica: So it's a girl. Is there yaoi? I need some goddamn yaoi, already.
Eric: Just go on any fanart site and have fun shipping Rua and Aporia.
Jessica cocks her head to one side.
Eric: I'm sure you'd *love* it.
Biggs: Can we just get on before the damned pre-bloodbath word count runs on? The less time I spend with you people, the better.
Jessica: And yet, you waited almost a year and a half for me.
Biggs: Shut it, we have a contract, apparently.
Eric: While you two play the generic old married couple, I'll take a gander.
Biggs: Oh look at you.
Eric: Don't rub too hard.
Jessica: Ew…
Biggs: On with the mammoth one chapter-long fic!
Eric: Ass.
Biggs: Sue me, it got requested after the first time we decided to hang ourselves in this gimmick.
Alexis Phoenix And Her Boyfriend Were Getting Married. But Then, Her Boyfriend Got Sick And Could Die.
Eric: She Was Asking For It.
Biggs: Beginning Every World With Capital Letters Doesn't Make It Anymore Bearable.
Jessica: I'm just disappointed you guys stalled for so long. But I have a question.
Biggs: If it's about potential yaoi, go stick your head in the toilet.
Jessica: God knows when you last flushed that thing, I'd rather watch yuri porn.
Eric: Heh. That can be arranged.
Jessica: Aaaaanyway… The whole character listing thing; are they the same Alexis?
Eric: Asuka's dub surname is 'Rhodes'.
Jessica: My point exactly. I don't see any sign of Judai or Asuka.
Biggs: We're a line in, woman. Shut up and let's just get it over and done with.
Eric: Yes, I'm very intrigued to see just what Alexis And Her Boyfriend are like. Not to mention this oh-so very deadly disease he's picked up and the odds of his survival.
She Started Singing This Song To Save Him. It Was Within Temptations Song Memories.
Biggs: It's like the bastard child of Yami-Veale's author avatar and Ebony.
Eric: The obligatory 'My Immortal' reference. See how easy it is to put something around the title of another work to separate it from the rest of your dull text?
Jessica: We never do that ourselves; you're preaching something insignificant like that?
Eric: Quiet, you.
Biggs: Not to mention the missing apostrophe.
Eric: Grammar Nazi.
Jessica: And somehow, singing becomes the remedy the doctors prescribed him with. A depressing song about the singer's grief over losing someone close and having only the memories to move forward with - the perfect cure!
Eric: I enjoy how the writer doesn't indicate what's sarcastic for the readers' sakes.
Biggs: Leave the new meat alone, we'll deal with that later. Anyway, Alexis the All-Healing Goddess of Music is about to give her boyfriend the ultimate cure in the form of an off-key rendition of a Within Temptation song; we may as well skip the lyrics, any Yuugiou fan would know them off by heart from all the AMVs people make using that genre of music.
Jessica: Are you suggesting you want 'California Girls' set to an anime consisting mostly of young men playing with cards?
Eric: Don't. (looks to the paper in front of him) Oh Christ, Biggs, you've cut out about 90% of the fic. As if choosing another oneshot wasn't bad enough, you've made it even shorter. We can't use this to justify for the exceptionally lengthy absence.
Biggs: Fiiiiine, we'll look at another short one afterwards.
Eric: More motivation to go on. Do we ever get any character behind these names? We've had nothing so far but the flattest characters this side of Young Siward.
Biggs: And a reference to Shakespeare of all people, why?
Eric: (shrugs) Diversity?
Biggs: Moving on.
Alexis Was Still Singing. She Was Working Really Hard To Save Her Boyfriend. Alexis Sung The Chorus By Herself. She Sounded Like An Angle Singing.
Jessica: (snorts with laughter)
Eric: Envisioning an angle singing gives me Pacman… still without the singing.
Biggs: You're ultra-retro today, aren't you.
Eric: It's what happens when you wait forev- (notices Jessica's glare and promptly clears his throat) So not only is her singing the Superpotion of this fic set in any possible world - why it's listed in the GX section, I've no idea - but she sings like an angel-spelt-wrong?
Biggs: I imagine the fanwanking she's doing underneath the covers will be enough to wake her nameless boyfriend with the violent shaking.
Jessica: Which bringing me back to before - is this boyfriend supposed to be Judai?
Eric: Keep your damned knickers on and let us finish it, we can find out and move on with our lives.
Jessica: If you even try to bring up-
Eric: Again. Knickers.
Jessica: Someone behind that wall just sniggered.
Biggs: Soon it'll be damaged so much, you can point out which out of the three people who actually read this it is. They're all blackmailed into it anyway.
Eric: I'm curious over who the hell was meant to be singing with her; her boyfriend's soul which just so happens to also be an angle?
Biggs: Let's go with she's schizophrenic.
Eric: Good enough, I suppose.
Alexis Kept Singing She wasn't About To Give Up. She Would Not Stop Would Not Let Her Boyfriend Die! She Would Not Give Up! Ever! She Would Not Let Her Boyfriend Die. She Kept Singing. And Sung the Second Verse. Everyone Was Listening. If It Was Working, We Didn't Know The Answer To That! But We Believe It Was. She Really Wanted To Save Her Boyfriend. She Just Had To Save Him.
Jessica: …what?
Biggs: Yeah, I'm sticking with schizophrenic.
Eric: So the 'We' are the voices in her head telling to murder her boyfriend's sense of hearing with this apparent singing.
Biggs: You can't even hear her, who are you to judge?
Eric: If she sings anything like she writes, then he'll be deaf by the time she's finished this second verse.
Biggs: Her obviously busty chest is shrinking too; I see no characterisation, nothing about the emotion other than an iron will to sing until the unlikely result of that being her boyfriend magically waking up from the comatose state he's been reduced to due to the severity of this disease.
Eric: Maybe she'll just do it to him now; it wouldn't be the first time someone did that, right, Shinji?
Jessica: Enough with the references! At least there's a break in the constant capital letters beginning each word; the only other time that seems to happen is the song's lyrics. Odds she copied and pasted them from a random site?
Biggs: The only time I'll do odds is when I'm down the bookies trying to get enough money to pay my damn rent. I'm not losing money to you to then spend it on crap.
Eric: The end is in sight; let's just rejoice and get there as quickly as possible.
Alexis Phoenix Kept On Would Not Give Up!Ever!I Know I Keep repeating Myself,But,What I'm Saying Is True!Truly!It Is.
Alexis Phoenix sung The Chorus Again. Everyone Pushed Her On. She Would Not Give Up!
Jessica: Yeah, I'm pulling out.
Biggs: Fine, we'll skip the yaoi that was planned for after this.
Jessica: What?
Eric: At least the author realises she's being overly repetitive, all we need now is Simon Cowell and this has everything.
Biggs: Don't tempt her.
Eric: Oh come on, the punctuation vanishes in some parts of the line, then squashed into later where it doesn't need to be. Commas also precede a space, for the record.
Jessica: This yaoi better be a lemon.
Biggs: Christ. I don't know what's worse right now: Jess or this 'fic', for lack of a better word.
Eric: Qwertyuiop this, let's just skip to the end, all the lines that aren't lyrics just go on about how Alexis continues, continues and continues singing.
Biggs: Now you use the filter? Anyway, why spoil the fun? If I can't pour coffee over you, I can at least get to see you explode with fury over the two-dimensional world where singing solves everything. That's even worse than cards being tools of global destruction.
Jessica: Skim-mode activate!
Biggs: Traitor…
Just Then,Her Boyfriend Woke Had Done It! She Saved Her Boyfriends Life By Singing
She Was So Happy With Would Always remember That Day Got Married A Week Later+Had 3 Children All Girls.
Alexis was Remembering That day That She Saved Her Boyfriends Life By Singing.
Eric: The redundancy department would love to file this bollocks.
Jessica: So she did manage to save her still-nameless boyfriend who we're supposed to assume is Judai? By singing like an angle?
Eric: This was definitely worth the months and months of waiting, wouldn't you say so, Biggs?
Jessica: Eric, you're one comment away from me twisting off your-
Biggs: Is nobody surprised that this life-threatening diseases vanishes without any real cause? Or that they get married only a week later?
Eric: Nope. I'm still trying to get my head around the sentences mashed together. 'Woke Had Done It!'? Sorry, you'll have to go on without me, the pain…
Biggs: Jess, quick! Sing to him, it might kill him quicker!
Jessica: Hey!
Eric: Douche. How are we doing, anyway?
Biggs: 2147 words, 3 pages, Calibri size 9. This new writer sucks.
Eric: At least there's the smaller font meaning less pages and taking up less space with this crap.
Jessica: What about the reviews? Did it even get any?
Biggs retrieves his neglected laptop from the corner, brushing away cobwebs clinging to the edges of the monitor, clicking on the hyperlink to the reviews.
Biggs: It did. And they're pretty much abridged versions of what we've already got.
Jessica: Well that takes out the fun of mocking the blind and inane. Right, onto the next one!
Biggs: Okay, we've got Vague Money Games by The SEBZ Gal
Eric: Please tell me this isn't two guys prostituting over and over just to get one or the other preggers.
Jessica: Tell me it is!
Eric: Go flush yourself down Biggs' toilet.
Jessica: …Again. The alternative.
Eric: Alright, stats on this?
Biggs: Another oneshot, kind of old.
Eric: …You just skimmed through WhiteAsukaLover's favourites, didn't you?
Jessica: Biggs must have a thing for him; he's a recurring motif.
Biggs: I could always call Yonban over for a duelling fic.
Jessica: N- No thanks, I'm good! Let's just go with the yaoi.
Biggs: Yeaaaah. The yaoi…
Supposedly, that day marked Shizuka's sixteenth birthday. Jounouchi and his friends decided to treat her out; the least he could, he said.
"Bon appétit!" Honda cheered before digging into the food. Jounouchi and Yuugi follow, but Anzu and Shizuka didn't even bother to touch their food.
Eric: If this is one of those anorexic-girl stories, I'll flush your head down that toilet, Biggs. They try to deal with the psychology in eating disorders and fail miserably.
Biggs: Calm down, jackass. Worry more about the language they're using.
Eric: You mean that the fact they're saying 'Bon appétit' rather than 'Itakimasu'? It was going to be my next point.
Jessica: Shut it and let's get to what I've been waiting for! Okay, so in skim-mode until we get to the goods, the girls are looking at something.
"I was askin' ya if ya wanted to eat," he answered turning around "What were you staring at…oh." His eyes fixed on Seto Kaiba at a corner…with Rebecca Hopkins beside him, eating dinner.
Jounouchi leaned to Honda, whispering, "Check it out: it's the gold-digger." When Honda turned around to see, he had to keep from snickering.
Shizuka sighed. She would've been Kaiba's boyfriend if she hadn't got to him first-
Jessica: Biggs! You told me there'd be yaoi!
Biggs: It's simple, Jess. I lied.
Jessica jumps up from the table and storms into the kitchen, raiding Biggs' fridge until she pulls out a small plastic pot of chocolate mousse just out of date, then raids his draws for a spoon.
Biggs: …um, yeah. Eric, what do you have to-?
Eric: (fuming) What? Rebecca and Kaiba never meet each other until well into the Doma arc, which we all know is absolute trash. They work together for the briefest of times and even then, Rebecca seems to love gloating at any given time to compare her ego against his. What possible motivation could there be for them dating? She's 12, for qwertyuiop sake!
Biggs: I like this one just for getting you worked up. I also believe that got brought up: she's a gold-digger. A typical 'I don't like this character, so I'll paint them in the worst light until the true OTP get together, at which point s/he disappears, gets arrested and/or dies'.
Eric: (clawing the surface of the table) …Biggs, you're going to need a new table once we're done here.
Biggs: You forget how poor I am.
Eric: Do you prostitute yourself to fan girls?
Biggs: (laughs) Of course, they love me more than they love shipping fictional characters.
On the other side of the wall, crickets chirp, drawing an irritated glare from Biggs, Eric puts up his hands defensively, smirking with amusement.
Eric: Don't look at me; the wall said it.
Biggs: Hey, Jess. You are aware they say Shizuka could have been Kaiba's 'boyfriend', right? Maybe she underwent a sex change op.
Jessica: Go back to your waffle iron and make yourself tasty treats I can snack on, ass.
Eric: No comment. But, uh… Biggs? What's up with the isolated verse? …You didn't.
Biggs: Didn't what?
Eric: You chose another one that focuses on a song. If someone sings, I'll rip my ears off and ram them down your throat until you choke on them.
Biggs: Actually, no. The author states at the beginning that the story should apparently be based on the song, so essentially, Rebecca's some insensitive mere who's after Kaiba for his money, whereas the divine Shizuka without flaws loves him for what's underneath. Let's see.
Shizuka watched as Rebecca offered a spoon to Kaiba, in an attempt to feed him. He smirked, and spoke to her for a bit-probably thanking her-before accepting the cake in his mouth. Shizuka's eyes narrowed.
Jessica: The cake is a lie!
Biggs: Piss off back into the kitchen and stuff yourself until you get fat. We don't need old Internet memes clogging up our word count.
Eric looks back to the wall where crickets had been heard chirping before, then back to the others shooting glares at one another.
Eric: I was going to say that I expect a spoon raping at some point.
Biggs: When did you suddenly get into obscure anime that nobody watches? Better question: why?
Eric: I don't know. KENN?
Biggs: It'll have to do for now.
It wasn't the first time Rebecca dated rich men; she'd broke Otogi and Siegfried already, and after Kaiba, she said she'll go for Pegasus. She's heard from Yuugi, who Rebecca calls her "true love", much to both his and Anzu's dismay.
Eric: So let me get this straight; Rebecca - a 12 year old child prodigy - has robbed both Otogi and Siegfried out of all their money, is targeting Kaiba and plans to move onto Pegasus - who looks like he's in his 40s to anyone who hasn't read the manga? Why the hell is she telling people her plan? And why haven't Yuugi and the others warned him? Surely she's got enough money by now anyway; can it really be possible to bankrupt entire companies so easily? Surely tuition fees in America haven't been hit to such an extreme degree.
Biggs: Clever, trying to bring in recently current affairs. But no dice. Or daice. Take your pick.
Eric: Ass. Don't mock me over what I do in my spare time.
Jessica: At least she claims to fancy Yuugi, she's like that in the original anime, no?
Eric: Yes. But it's no doubt a shallow love again, maybe she plans to move from Yuugi to his grandfather to magic away all the money laying around in the Kame Shop cash register. You know, that thing that never gets used?
Biggs: You just implied this could ship Rebecca and Yugi's grandfather? You've got issues…
Eric: Don't we all?
Biggs: Point taken.
They were doing it again: her blue eyes were gleaming with that horrible, sickening glow. Shizuka could almost shout at Kaiba for not seeing through her dirty trick. Kaiba, the all high-and-mighty President and CEO of Kaiba Corporation, actually thinks this girl really does love him! She giggled at the thought.
Eric: You know, it's nice that there's hope for mankind using accurate grammar and spelling, but is the glaring out-of-character factor that popular?
Biggs: It's all par for the course when you hit 'Shuffle' and write random dribble about the next song that comes up.
Eric: Jess, get back in here and stop being a stubborn cow.
Jessica: (appears with a seething glare) I'm fulfilling that insult, damn it. Let me finish raiding the cupboards.
Biggs: Good luck finding anything decent.
Jessica: (rolls eyes and takes her place again) What exactly did I miss that was oh-so-important you had to recall me?
Eric: The entire concept of this thing; nothing more has specially been used to get you back, other than the fact that leaving me alone in a room with Biggs here is asking for nothing but trouble.
Jessica: Who's the old married couple now? Give me that laptop.
Biggs: Wha-?
Jessica snatches the laptop from in front of Biggs before he can finish, typing furiously on it.
Biggs: God, you're going to look for doujinshi now, aren't you?
Jessica: Nope. I'm actually researching something; resume.
Biggs and Eric exchange equally puzzled views, then look back to the pages uncomfortably.
Eric: So, uh, is it wrong to see that the author's implying that it's wrong for Kaiba to expect anyone to love him? Sure his life before all this was hell, but I'm sure because of his brotherly bond with Mokuba means he can get better, right? It's not some incurable disease - that is 'incurable with the exception of singing'.
Biggs: We should really start up a drinking game for whenever 'bonds' or 'despair' are brought up.
Eric: I thought you weren't up to date with the show.
Biggs: There's nothing stopping me trolling forums.
Eric: I should've guessed as much. Still, seems strange that Shizuka is suddenly giggling at a sight everyone knows disgusts her; perhaps she's developing a spilt personality herself. That'd make a complete cast of doppelgangers.
Biggs: What the hell are you on about?
Eric (shakes head) Never mind. Let's just get on with this, I want to find your brain bleach soon.
Biggs: Out.
Eric: Liar.
Jessica: Skim, already, dammit.
"How long should we wait?" asked Shizuka. "Until Rebecca breaks Kaiba?"
"Takes a long time, maybe as long as Siegfried," answered Jounouchi. "Give them about…half a year or so".
"Half a year?" repeated Shizuka. She'd have to wait for half a year until she gets Kaiba to herself?
Biggs: And the true motive comes through: she doesn't care about Kaiba, she just wants him for herself.
Eric: I suppose the only thing worse would be Jounouchi crushing on Kaiba; there's enough of that bull around already.
Jessica: (not taking her eyes from the laptop) Still in the room.
Eric: You're engrossed in whatever yaoi you're 'researching'.
Jessica: Not yaoi; that comes right after this, though.
Biggs: My poor Internet History.
"Longer if she really wants to break him," said Honda, making the situation only worse. "Then after Pegasus…who else is Rebecca going after, Yuugi?"
"I only know Jean Claude Magnum and Rafeal."
Eric: What the qwertyuiop? Are they seriously prostituting Rebecca with all these guys?
Biggs: I think I'm a fan.
Eric: You're a sick man then. It still begs the question; if Yuugi knows what's going on, why doesn't he qwertyuiop'ing do something about it?
Biggs: He's too busy standing by and watching it all, isn't that normally what the characters who aren't at the centre of something do?
Eric: Damn. I hate to admit it, but you're right.
Biggs: Victory!
Eric: I'm rapidly losing the will to live over here now…
Biggs: Then we must proceed immediately.
"Rafael?" said Anzu. "I never knew her was rich."
"Yami said he was."
"Rebecca's one of the best in her game," said Jounouchi. "All I could say now is…good luck, Kaiba. I hope you figure it out".
Eric: Yeah, cause not many 12-year old gold-diggers can actually confess their plan to a guy she supposedly fancies and his friends, who then keep it secret for however long, watching his company fail just like several others before in a completely illogical style.
Jessica: (still not taking her eyes from the laptop) While I'm not paying attention, I'm declaring now that Jounouchi's comment means he fancies Kaiba.
Biggs: What the hell? When did you learn to live again?
Eric: And how did you manage to get Jounouchi and Kaiba as a couple out of that?
Jessica: Shizuka fancies Kaiba. Jounouchi cares deeply for his sister. But he also harbours his own feelings because he doesn't seem to hate Kaiba and actually cares about his state of financial decay. Normally, he'd revel in this, but he's more concerned in this.
Eric: You need help. Even for you, that was a long shot.
Biggs: Are you writing qwertyuiop'ing yaoi on my laptop?
Eric: Please say 'yes'.
Jessica: Researching.
Eric: Dammit.
Biggs: I'm still amused by the idea of a band of friends not helping out someone who they've claimed in the past occasionally gets seen as an additional friend following a series where the core was the message of friendship.
And they did wait, after Shizuka's birthday' they'd waited for one, two, three months. There was barely any change in Kaiba Corp, but when Shizuka met Mokuba one day, and asked him about Rebecca, he told her what was really happening.
Eric: Three months? Just to let Mokuba know what the qwertyuiop his brain-dead brother is up to with his underage prostitute?
Biggs: No doubt this is where we hear that KaibaCorp is actually on the brink of collapse because Kaiba suddenly dropped everything and forgot how important his business is to both him and his brother for a random girl who should be dating, if anyone, said brother. They are about the same age, what's a little thing like teenage pregnancy to spice this up?
Eric: Wow, Biggs. Just wow.
Biggs: I try.
Eric: I have no response to that.
"He wouldn't listen, Shizuka!" he told her. "The company stocks are still high, but the family's going broke, and Seto won't admit it! He said to me, 'So what if I spoil her a bit? It isn't going to change anything.'"
"Seto isn't using any of the money, so, technically, it's really not his fault," corrected Shizuka. "It you haven't noticed what Rebecca was doing, or heard the rumours, you'd know she's a gold-digger by now."
"A-a gold digger? Since when?"
"Heard what happened to Black Crown and Schroeder Corporation? They're going down the gaming industry, because the owners were lending free money to a certain someone…"
Biggs: Hm. Maybe I should start prostituting myself to rich businessmen.
Eric: That thought is probably the most terrifying you've given today.
Jessica: Sleep well tonight, Eric.
Eric: Bitch. Anyway, let me get this straight; rumours are going around about Rebecca and somehow, they haven't managed to reach Kaiba in about three months. More so, he's been pretty much choosing her over both his company and his brother - the two things that drove him into isolation during the original series so he could work to prove himself worthy of them. This is so believable.
Biggs: I'm not businessman, but the whole thing about KaibaCorp surviving the behind-closed-doors antics seems a bit… off? If the family's running out of money, why isn't the company suffering? Should some hotshot stumble upon this after a late-night knees-up, answers on a postcard.
Jessica: The wall…
Biggs: You be quiet, you're not joining in, so you have no say in what we do.
Jessica: You only bring that up now, huh? I've had my inputs.
Biggs: Don't question my choice of timing, especially when you're in my apartment.
Eric: Hey, Biggs. There's an incoming surprise for you.
Biggs: What?
Eric: Look who conveniently shows up now.
"Hi!" Rebecca appeared before the two.
"Well, well, well, speak of the devil," Kaiba hooked an arm around his new girlfriend's waist.
"That's my line," growled Mokuba.
Eric: Biggs, you've been in so many long-lasting relationships, would you define a girlfriend as 'new' after three months?
Biggs: Ironic that the guy who mocks me for my love life is the same one who hides in Japanese animation and worships all the Rule 34 he can find.
Eric: Animated girls are better than no girls.
Jessica: The only Rule 34'ing that goes on here is that involving two fit guys… You two don't qualify.
Biggs: Yikes. I think she just took first place for Most Disturbing Mental Image now.
Eric: It's a tough competition today.
Biggs: Let's just pray the bar doesn't get raised any higher.
"We were just talking about you, Shizuka. We originally began with Yuugi, then to your brother, then to you!" Rebecca explained before whispering to Shizuka, "You're right, he does think lowly of him."
"What are you doing out here on the streets?" asked Kaiba. "Not dating, are you?"
Mokuba crossed is arms. "I should ask you the same question. Who's running the company?"
"I'll only be out for less than an hour, Mokuba," answered Kaiba, with the usual cold air in his face. "Now, if you just excuse us…let's go, Rebecca." He tugged on Rebecca's arm, urging the both of them to leave.
Biggs: God, are there any pairings they aren't planning to imply?
Eric: If Marik and Bakura show up, I'm going to hang myself.
Biggs: (crosses fingers)
Jessica: (lifts head) Did I sense yaoi in that line, Eric?
Eric: Back to whatever you're doing. Make sure to fill Biggs' laptop with all kinds of crap.
Jessica: (glare)
"Will he find out?" asked Mokuba.
"…Sooner or later…" answered Shizuka. "Just make sure you don't go broke first."
Eric: Alternatively, telling the fricking guy.
Biggs: Note to self - next girlfriend better not hide secrets for months on end.
Eric: Riiiiiiight… 'next' girlfriend.
Biggs: Shut it. So pretty much, they both go to their respective homes and Shizuka makes… a shocking discovery.
Kaiba was smart to beat Jounouchi, no denying that. But if he's that dumb with women, he's not worth having after all. She'd decided that after seeing him with Rebecca that afternoon.
Eric: Huzzah. She gave up.
Biggs: I guess it could explain not telling him anything; she wants him to suffer because he's as blind as a bat with its eyes gorged out.
Jessica: Dare I ask why the bat had to have its eyes ripped from its head?
Biggs: You can ask, but I won't grace you with an answer.
Jessica: Oh no, my life is at an end here…
Eric: When you two are done…
Another three months later-
"And here's a game that Seto Kaiba had barely won," jeered Jounouchi. Kaiba ended up drinking with him after he broke up with Rebecca, but not before half of his money was gone. "That is, if it weren't for Mokuba. Who told him to help a guy like you?"
"Oniichan!" hissed, Shizuka, and then winked at Mokuba, and both resumed eating their desserts.
Eric: And the nightmare ends… almost.
"I get it, okay?" growled Kaiba. "I found out Hopkins was after the money, so I broke up with her. Now she's with Pegasus; best of luck with him, end of story".
Eric: F-
Biggs: Ha.
Eric: Worst still, because Rebecca was a character that appeared only in filler, I can't try to burn the image with the fact that Pegasus would be dead had this taken place in the manga-verse.
Biggs: He's still quite older than them. Helping?
Eric: Bite your tongue. I want to see you suffer.
Jessica: I want some Puppyshipping out of this scene; Kaiba and Jounouchi are drinking buddies.
Eric: I always knew Yuugiou would end up leading to a drinking game. Only… they were fans trying to find an excuse to get themselves smashed.
Biggs: Fudoface.
Eric: Now you're plugging our drinking game? You're sinking to new depths, Biggs.
Biggs: I just want you on the ground long enough to launch you out the window and see what happens.
Jessica: 'Nakama' does not compute here, apparently.
Eric: Veering off-topic. Seeing as Kaiba and Rebecca broke up - then she ended up with Pegasus, someone pass the brain bleach - this must be almost done. Then I can go home and find my stash of secret cocaine. I swear, that stuff isn't as strong as this, but it's certainly less painful.
"Chill! It's fun seeing you like this!" Jounouchi gave Kaiba's back a hard slap, and the CEO coughed his beer out. "The Kaiba Corp President finally comes down to see things our way!"
"When the hell will you count that out?" shouted Kaiba into Jounouchi's face, shaking his shoulders.
Anzu came and slapped Kaiba straight across the cheek. "Hands off Jounouchi, pauper!"
Biggs: (looks to Eric) …well?
Eric: Give me a sec… I'm still trying to picture it.
Biggs: You're going to need a great heap of the goods tonight, huh?
Eric: Every time I see your face, I need a great heap of the goods.
"You're the one to talk, Mazaki," Kaiba sneered at her.
"She gets her money easy," said Mokuba. "Loses it when bribing, wins it back by betting. It's business, not gold-digging. Right, Shizuka?"
Shizuka giggled, and stared shamelessly into Kaiba's foul gazed. "Rebecca's the one responsible," she answered. "She's the one who used up Kaiba-san's money, not him. But she," she paused to hold her laughs, "it's his money, so…"
Biggs: So because Kaiba is no longer Shizuka's ideal man, he becomes a kid throwing a tantrum.
Eric: No wonder the guy's messed up. Forget the incessant studies and dog collars - yes, dog collars - and whips, it's his love-life and how others treat him once it's all dealt with that screwed him up.
Yet still, Shizuka seems to be pretty flawless, almost like some canon Mary Sue - I still fail to see how leaving a borderline-friend to suffer at the hands of a 12 year old girl whom she knows is dangerous to his wallet acceptable; does that nothing to blemish her purity?
Biggs: You said the 'M' word; clearly not.
"Guess you should thank Mokuba for keeping the company running," suggested Honda, "but you couldn't spend for him, can't you? He and Jounouchi hooted with laughter. "Where is Yuugi? He's missing all the fun!"
"He said he didn't want to come," answered Anzu, "that he didn't drink and that he didn't think that rubbing it in was what he called fun".
Jessica: (jumps to her feet) He's having hot yaoi sex with Yami!
Biggs: Sit down and shut it.
Eric: I was half-expecting him to have been kidnapped by Rebecca. There was the claim she fancied him earlier. Then we could have another amusing sketch of him tied up like in the American Hero chapter.
Biggs: It was only interesting because there was fire.
Eric: Of course.
"We should do this more often, Kaiba," Jounouchi said outside the restaurant, he and Honda giving him another clap on the shoulder.
"Just you wait…I'll get the company rising in no time," Kaiba growled sinisterly. "C'mon, Mokuba."
"Take care of yourself, Mokuba," said Anzu and Shizuka, and after seeing his brother wave at the girls, Kaiba pulled recklessly on his arm.
"You think he's gonna be alright?" asked Shizuka.
"I think so; he's learned his lesson, I suppose," guaranteed Anzu.
"By the way, Shizuka…" Jounouchi approached is sister. "I saw a poster of Kaiba Corporation in your room; withKaiba's picture on it!"
Biggs: Kaiba on a Kaiba Corporation poster? Egad!
Eric: Unthinkable. But really… Kaiba's portrayed as some scapegoat villain while Rebecca goes off to have Funny Bunny sex with Pegasus. Am I the only one who thinks this picture is wrong?
Biggs: You think anything not written by the writers' hands themselves is wrong.
Eric: Because it's true.
Biggs: But really, any restaurant that doesn't kick you out for getting bladdered is next on my list.
Eric: I thought they were in a pub, sounded like it at least. I really do think Shizuka got over Kaiba too, it's a shame that she's still hooked. Is there no rehab for this kind of thing?
Jessica: (sitting again, typing frantically on Biggs' laptop again) Clearly not.
Eric: You're living proof of that.
Biggs: What the hell are you doing on there? Can this 'research' as you call it take so long?
Jessica: Keep your knickers on.
Eric: (shudders) Please don't try to outdo yourself, you're still winning.
Biggs: So pretty much, everyone goes back their own way to the homes they'll never leave. What's that, Eric? 'We're done now' I hear you say? Afraid not, there's still the true ending yet to delve into.
Eric: I hate you so much…
One whole year after the incident, Kaiba had kept his word: the corporation was on top again, but they were doing some hush-hush about a top-secret project. It's Shizuka's birthday again, and she, Jounouchi, Honda and Anzu came over to Yuugi's house for the day, and he came running into the living room with the newspaper.
Biggs: Wait, I thought that Kaiba confessed to dumping Rebecca at least three months, max six months after Shizuka's birthday; how the hell do they come back to that day about six months later?
Eric: It's just getting sloppy now. The words, the time skips, everything. Plus there's too much of the use 'and' for my liking. Soon enough, we'll have to start a drinking game for every time it comes up just to make these little sessions less painful.
"Rebecca's been discovered!" He slammed the broadsheet onto the table, the head story saying that a current "live-in employee" of Pegasus Crawford was found hacking into his money vaults and stealing from him.
"So much for the jackpot," Anzu remarked, "but with all that money, she wouldn't have robbed him of that much, considering Pegasus has got Industrial Illusions companies worldwide".
"Guess everybody knows Rebecca's reputation right now," Shizuka giggled. "Poor girl will come crying to Yuugi by the time she gets back".
Eric: Did no-one consider reporting her to the police? I know usually in the Yuugiou world card games solve pretty much anything and everything, but come on!
Biggs: You said it yourself: card games are the only means of justice.
Eric: I swear, Shizuka's giggling is grating me. She's nothing like her canon self, she seems more conniving, like she's the sneaky little bitch running around shoving several men inside of her. She feels more like a villain than Rebecca does; at least her antics are off… screen?
Biggs: Hit the wall head-on there.
Jessica: Just finish the fic already. I hate the both of you for taking so long.
"I kinda hoped she'd still be strong enough to break Magnum, though," said Jounouchi. "After what that idiot did to Mai in Battle City…"
Eric: Don't encourage her…
Biggs: Everybody loves ninja abductors, I'm sure.
Eric: (glares)
"Where is Mai?" asked Honda. "Last I heard, she's with Wong in China, tag-duelling the Mekyuu guys."
"If she damned eloped with Magnum, I'm gonna kill her!" said Jounouchi. "After our engagement, too!"
"WHAT?" everybody shrieked. "YOU'RE ENGAGED?"
Biggs: Abrupt end!
Eric: I think I've lost the will to fight; I don't have the strength to lecture the Joey/Mai ship and Takahashi's word.
Biggs: (looks to Jessica) Okay, give me my damned laptop.
Jessica: One second, I have the info we needed earlier.
Biggs: Took you sweet damned time.
Jessica sets the laptop down and walks to Biggs' printer, which begins to hum, slowly printing a single sheet of paper with Jessica's research on it. Biggs checks his laptop to find tabs other than the second fic.
Biggs: What the hell are you doing?
Jessica: (returns to the table, sits and presents the sheet) Alexis Phoenix.
Eric: Oh, God why?
Biggs: This can only end badly.
Jessica: According to alexis Serenity Phoenix's profile, Alexis is Edo's sister who has a crush on Saiou and even helped lead the Society of Light.
Eric: …what?
Jessica: It gets worse. When Peach Wookiee requested 'anything' by this author, I thought it a dangerous, yet truly brave move to check a couple of the other GX fics she wrote. (points to the paper in her hand) This… is nothing short of true terror.
Biggs: For God's sake, woman, don't read it then!
Jessica: I won't read it, but I'll give you an abridged version of what I found. (clears throat) 'All Grown up gx 2' is apparently based on WhiteAsukaLover's fanfic based on the worlds of Rugrats: All Grown Up and Yuugiou GX colliding in an unholy crossover.
Biggs: This guy… does he get involved in everything we touch?
Eric: Coming from the guy who used his favourites to find the second cop-out of the chapter.
Jessica: He complains that the fic's contents is pretty much copied from his own. Then, get this, does the same thing two years later with a Pokemon Colosseum fic (essentially word for word), that he then hastily removed and replaced with a more subtle version.
Biggs: Three words: Pot. Kettle. Black.
Eric: (holding his head) Does the torment end now?
Jessica: Almost. There's another oneshot focusing on Alexis-
Eric: Make it stop!
Jessica: -Which is also filled mostly by lyrics from a Within Temptation song. I initially thought, based on the title, it was trying to combine GX and Final Destination, but it seems to be a song that Within Temptation composed using the same name. Anyway, Alexis has visions (cause apparently everyone has them) of being killed repeatedly, no explanation or anything.
Eric: Biggs… please just kill me…
Jessica: The last line… I can't bring myself to utter it while my name is in the same line. (hands the paper to Biggs, who stares at it in horror)
In The End, She Is Killed, But She Was Brought back To Life.
Eric: My life… I think it just lost all purpose. (headdesks)
Biggs: You know, I don't think we'll actually get to look at the reviews for 'Vague Money Games'. He's actually starting to scare me.
Jessica: There's a first; you give a crap.
Biggs: Don't get me wrong, I love seeing him suffer, but… I'm not having paramedics running about in here dramatically.
Jessica: Let's just glance and end things before he actually tries to suffocate himself.
Biggs: (rolls eyes) Fiiiiine. Give me that. (snatches laptop from the table and clicks the hyperlink to reviews) He strikes again.
Jessica: No way.
Biggs: Yes way. He says he's read it five times and never reviewed; he considers it good enough to finish, let alone come back, let alone come back multiple times?
Jessica: And another short "review". sAiToU MiWaKo: 'One word… COOL' - a three-word review, very impressive.
Eric: (groans, mumbling something indistinguishable)
Jessica: Yeaaaah, I think we should leave it there. Before Eric's brain melts out his ears…
-End-
Stepping Through The Wall
Biggs: Okay, seeing as we're nearing our mid-life crises, what do you guys reckon of actually getting back to this place?
Jessica: Biiiiiggs.
Biggs: Jess is certainly happy to be back. Eric… (looks over to Eric) Yeah, he missed this place too.
Eric: (lifts a hand) All I have to say is that I had faith in humanity when SEBZ Gal used grammar properly, especially after the fic before, but… it's been completely shattered. I can see why people in these shows decide they want to kill the heroes to stop people like these being spawned.
Biggs: So, thank you Peach Wookiee for suggesting Alexis Serenity Phoenix's fics and breaking Eric's spirit. It was a pleasure doing business.
Jessica: I'm just disappointed, you guys are keeping me from yaoi on purpose. I've seen a yaoi fic that was suggested listed as 'upcoming' on our profile for months.
Biggs: I couldn't be bothered to jump into that straight away, blame the new writer.
Jessica: Oh, I do.
Biggs: Well, we did get reviews for the last chapter, maybe we'll get lucky and find people haven't abandoned this place, else we'll be out of a Friday night job.
Jessica: Or whatever day of the week these little get-togethers are posted…
Biggs: Seeing as this writer's an active author on the site… yeah… we'll be dead and buried long before next time.
Jessica: So we will end up like VG Cats…
Biggs: May as well release the reader - or readers - into the wild.
"Go beyond the unreadable! Kick good writing to the curb! Don't believe in canon, believe in fanon that subverts the canon! That's the Yuugiou Fandom way!"
-The Writer's Angry Note of the Week-
Tune in next time when Biggs, Eric and Jess are pensioners struggling to scrounge enough money to buy food! We're so dedicated like that. ZETSUBOU!