Nagito and I began meeting up more and more. Sometimes we would go out for a meal. Sometimes we would just take a walk somewhere peaceful like the park. I managed to make sure every place we went to wasn't too crowded. I didn't mind being around people, but crowds and closed off places with a lot of activity tend to stress me out and even drain my energy. Luckily, Nagito seemed to prefer more open, calm areas, too.
I really enjoyed talking to him. He was so insightful, he made even the smallest of things sound fanciful and full of purpose. But at the same time, he could also be funny. There were times that he made rather obvious or silly puns, but somehow, the obviousness made them funny. The expectant smile on his face afterwards probably had some influence, too.
Next to him, I worried that I didn't have anything interesting to say. I always felt that I was only a dull nurse, and nothing more. But Nagito pulled aspects from me that I didn't even know I had. Like when he complimented my outfit, it lead to a discussion about clothes, one that made me realize that my favorite colors were bubblegum pink and lilac. As silly as it sounds, tiny bits of self-discovery like that were so exciting to me. It was like finding a piece of a puzzle that gave you an idea of what the full picture could potentially be. "I'm Mikan Tsumiki, and I like ballerina figurines. I'm Mikan Tsumiki, and I can solve long math equations in my head. I'm Mikan Tsumiki, and my favorite gemstone is pink sapphire."
"That sounds wonderful, Mikan," Dr. Aiko complimented with a sincere smile as she wrote my story into her notepad "In a way, he really did bring out the best in you. Was it around this time that you started dating?"
The long-haired woman tapped her chin in thought "Uh well…it must have been a month later than that," she pondered "I-I remember because I had that discussion with him before that happened."
As Nagito and I walked, something weighed on my mind. I felt almost insensitive that I hadn't noticed this before, and when I became aware, I couldn't stop thinking about it.
I looked up at Nagito's profile. It was friendly as always, even more warm and inviting over the setting sun beside us.
I looked down for a moment, gulping involuntarily. I was at war with myself. My fear wanted to keep my mouth shut, but some undistinguishable feeling was forcing the words up my throat.
"Uhm…Nagito…?" I addressed.
His unsuspecting "Hm? Yes?" made me feel even more hesitant. I felt as though someone was forcing me to stab him in the back.
"I, uh, couldn't help but notice something…" I continued "…a-about the way you refer to yourself."
"Oh?" replied Nagito in all sincerity.
That's when I knew there was no going back now. His ears were open to whatever I had to say.
"You…say some pretty mean things about yourself," I explained, still choosing to watch our feet as they carried us down the trail "You've e-even called yourself a "lowlife" once."
Nagito gave a soft shrug "Well, there's no use in denying it," he remarked "It's not something to be proud of, sure, but it is the truth."
"It's not, though…!" I argued, my voice squeaking a little as I held my balled up fist to my chest "What would ever make you feel that way?"
"I've been told by many people over the years," Nagito explained "Peers, coworkers, my mentors…No matter where I went, they all said the same thing."
I was shocked. I knew some of our neighbors thought Nagito to be eldritch and almost laughable, but I wouldn't even imagine so many others would think the same, especially not those close to Nagito.
"B-But why…?!" I blurted out "What about your friends and family? They couldn't have thought that you were worthless…right?"
My heart sunk into the pit of my stomach when I saw Nagito's normally content expression falter. A fire of guilt burned in my core, and I felt the need to apologize for prying and take back what I said.
"…I didn't have any friends. My family…" Nagito hesitated, then shook his head "As for why people say that I'm worthless, I can think of no reason other than that it must be true," the man reasoned.
"N-No, Nagito!" I stopped walking, practically trembling from the built up feelings coursing through my body.
The green-eyed male stopped, too. His unperturbed mask had fallen off in the place of bafflement. If I had thought there was no turning back before, I would have been really surprised now. However, this time, I had no intention of turning back.
"Why…why would you see yourself that way? Other people's lack of affection doesn't define your worth!"
I knew what to expect from an outburst like that. Some type of verbal lashing in return or something much worse. I knew it was cruel to expect that from Nagito, but it was just what I was used to. What I wasn't used to was the person before me blinking in puzzlement.
"…I don't…get what you're saying…?" Nagito said in an uncertain tone.
The lowered volume of his voice told me that I should do the same. I took a deep breath, feeling my chest heave beneath my clasped hands, before I spoke again.
"You don't understand…?" I carefully started "Is it because…you lacked companionship? I-Is it because you're not understood by others?"
Nagito didn't respond, but the somberness behind his eyes told me everything.
I close my own eyes, feeling them sting with fresh tears "I'm sorry; I really am…" I said "I know what it's like to be told that I'm worthless, and what it's like to actually believe it. But I've never known what it's like not to have someone there to…to comfort me."
When the first tear leaked, I closed my eyes even tighter, not wanting to let my emotions flub my words.
"It…it must have been so hard for you," I continued "And f-for that, my heart goes out to you, Nagito."
I didn't have the courage to look at his face and see his reaction, so I jumped when I felt warm arms around me. His arms.
"Mikan, I…thank you…"
I opened my eyes. The tears fell onto Nagito's coat. That's how I knew that it was real.
My arms moved up to wrap around his frame. It felt…just right.
When we separated from one another, I became worried when I saw the conflict in Nagito's face.
"D-Did I say something wrong?" I stuttered.
"No, not at all, just…" Nagito held his chin pensively "I'm not sure how to take all of this. Truth be told…I've never been told something like this…"
My instinct to apologize came in "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."
"No really, it's okay," he insisted "In fact, I really appreciate that you would say that to a someone as low—" he stopped himself, his eyes wide like a deer caught in headlights "I just need some time to think on it…"
"…Okay. I understand."
We continued our stroll, awkwardly shifting back into our normal conversations. I regretted making the atmosphere so weird. Despite what Nagito said, I feared that I had ended our friendship right then and there, but I didn't want to rock the boat any more by asking. I felt like enough drama had happened that day.
When I went home, I ate a nice big meal and lied down to rest my buzzing head.
Dr. Aiko said that I shouldn't fret over something I said to someone if that person told me that I hadn't offended them. Though, keeping my mind from running itself rampant wasn't easy, and Dr. Aiko knew it.
I pulled up my laptop and began to play one of those puzzle games she recommended to me. It worked well. The puzzles were colorful and pretty to look at, but they were also complex and required a lot of focus and patience. Even though they were meant to distract people from anxious thoughts, I wondered if someone like Chiaki would like them. She seemed like the kind of person to like games of all kinds.
It wasn't until my room was completely dark that I noticed the light blinking from my phone.
I paused my game and turned on my table lamp. I guessed that about three hours had passed while I was playing.
My phone didn't ring because I had it on silent. That meant that the blinking could mean either a text message or a call.
"So it's both."
Mikan blinked up at Nagito "Huh?"
The two sat at a table in the library. A stack of books was left behind by a previous visitor. Amongst one of those books was one full of paradoxes and riddles. The plum-haired woman had started reading that one first, keeping one finger between the pages in the back where the answers and explanations were. Nagito had returned to the table when she was reading the answer to Schrödinger's Cat.
"I…don't really understand the explanation," confessed Mikan.
Nagito rubbed his chin in contemplation "Hmm, if I could put it in a real life scenario…" he mused.
The young man then perked up and reached into his pocket. He pulled out his cellphone and set it between himself and Mikan.
"Remember when we set our phones to silent before we came here?" he asked.
Mikan nodded.
Nagito then picked up his phone so that it was eye level with the young woman "Let's say I get a notification. I don't hear anything, but the light blinks on the screen," he narrates "I have different ringtones for when I get an email, a call, or a text message, but without the sound on, I can't tell."
Mikan nodded again.
"I won't know which of the three notifications it will be until I open my phone and look," the man instinctively flipped his phone open as he talked "Until then, all three scenarios are possible."
Mikan's violet eyes beamed in realization "Oh! So the book isn't saying that the cat is physically dead and alive. It's saying that both possibilities are true," she spoke in an excited tone, but still kept her voice at a whisper.
Nagito smiled "Hehe, you got it!"
Nagi: Ive been thinking about what you said and youre right
Nagi: Theres something I didnt tell you in the park. I meant to but with the way our conversation was going I was afraid Id scare you off
Nagi: I have a cycle of good and bad luck. A miracle always follows a tragedy for me and vice versa. Its always been this way for me ever since I was young. The reason I have so much animosity is because of that bad luck.
Nagi: Even if I am a beacon for tragedy Im still a human. You made me realize that. In these past few weeks spending time with you I learned a lot about myself.
Me: You did too! You helped me learn about who I am
Me: I'm so glad you understood what I said. I know what it's like to feel like a burden to others too! I don't know if that luck cycle just applies to you. Life kinda just works that way. Y'know, ups and downs; a rainbow always follows a storm.
There was a very long pause in the before I got a response.
Nagi: What you said at the park made me curious about something else
Me: What is it?
Nagi: Well do you believe what you said? Do you believe that peoples contempt for you doesnt define your worth?
Me: Yes! Of course!
Nagi: Then you should see your self worth too right?
The phone dropped from my hands and onto the bed with a soft bounce after rereading that question millions of times in my mind.
Other people's lack of affection doesn't define your worth.
Those were the words that came out of my mouth. I had said that to Nagito but…did it really only apply to him?
That scene was based off of Nagito and Mikan's final conversation before she gets executed. I changed the tone of it, though, because that conversation was condescending on Mikan's part because she was overcome with The Despair(TM) again after her memories returned. But the fact that Nagito, the one character who always had a confident answer to everything, was stunned to silence when she said that really shows that he's not used to any form of sympathy.