Oh god, it's here. I've written this chapters in, like, three days - let's say four, alright? - and I'm so, so happy of how it turned out. There's only the epilogue left, but this chapter, god, this chapter I think is the soul of the story. I'm so proud of it, which is kind of strange of me, but it's probably because this story helped me dealing with season 7.
Fun fact, and you'll get what I mean when you'll get there: I developed this story almost immediately after 707/708, so I only added tiny bits of information, not what would happen to the characters.
I can't thank you enough for every word and kudos you leave, they really mean so much to me. Thank you.
Visit me on twitter at liliumweiss or on tumblr at darkcolinodonorgasm if you want ;)
Now, on with the story, and brace yourself, it's a rollercoaster of emotions and I basically broke down while writing two specific words, but oh well, it happens.
She was older, years older than when he'd last seen her, but almost the same. Gone was the long hair, its colour no longer golden as the sun, almost lifeless, much like her. Her cheeks were no longer full, but hollowed, her skin paler than a ghost's and her thin lips almost bloodless. Once, her body had been skinny but toned, now he could see her bones through her clothes. But her eyes, oh, her green eyes, though duller, were still the same.
«Killian,» Emma breathed, tears filling her eyes and no, she wasn't allowed to do that, she wasn't allowed to be emotional and act as if nothing had happened, as if she'd not abandoned her daughter.
A muscle ticked in his jaw, his teeth protesting under the pressure. «What are you doing here?» His voice couldn't be harsher even if he tried. Killian didn't want her there, no matter how much his heart fluttered in his chest, no matter how a lost part of him longed to gather her in his arms and kiss her senseless, to lost himself in her like he'd once done.
«I'm searching for our daughter.»
Her reply hit him like a punch in the guts, like salt poured on open wounds. Rage flared inside him, making him step closer to her, the tip of his cutlass dangerously digging into her skin. Killian knew it could break in any moment. He almost didn't care. Almost.
«You have no right. You abandoned her.» You abandoned me.
Emma started to frantically shake her head, the blade cutting the skin. She didn't move away. «No, no, Killian, you don't understand.»
Rage coursed through him. «What? What is it that I do not understand, Emma? That you didn't even wait for me to come back before asking that witch to speed up your pregnancy? That you didn't love her enough and decided to force her to endure the same fate as you? For gods' sake, Emma, she was just a child!»
Tears were running down her cheeks, now, and though part of him wanted to just brush them away, Killian couldn't just do that, too hurt to even feel something other than hate. You didn't love me enough to stay, was what he wanted to shout, the words dying in his throat. There were questions in his mind that needed answers, he knew that, but he couldn't bear the thought of being destroyed any further.
«Emma? Are you alrig- who are you?»
Bloody hell, Killian thought, lifting his eyes to see the giant approaching, as if the earth trembling beneath his feet wasn't proof enough.
«Don't worry, Anton!» Emma told him, pulling away from the blade, a drop of blood making its way down her pale throat. Guilt washed over Killian for harming her, stronger than the sense of betrayal he felt towards her. «He's Alice's Papa, he's here to find her.»
«Didn't look like that to me,» Anton boomed, his fingers twitching as if he was dying to curl them around Killian and crush him until he became dust. The giant's eyes shifted onto Emma. «He hurt you.»
«It's just a scratch, don't worry, I'll be fine.»
Anton didn't look convinced, he quickly moved his eyes between the two humans. «I went into the bedroom I'd given her and found this.» He lowered his open palm right next to them.
Killian's eyes widened at the sight. It was Mister Rabbit. Alice would never leave it behind. He heard Emma gasp and couldn't help but look at her. Tears were running down her cheeks, her bony hand pressed against her mouth.
Despite the hate he felt for her, Killian couldn't understand her reaction. He'd seen many a bluff, he himself had bluffed many times, but Emma? She was not, she looked extremely pained and concerned. It didn't make any sense.
Before he could move, Emma slowly approached the giant's huge hand, taking the stuffed rabbit from him. «Mister Rabbit,» she whispered with a tearful smile.
How does she know?, Killian asked himself, becoming more and more stunned by the minute. Although he wanted it to be, it couldn't be a coincidence.
«This belonged to me,» Emma murmured softly, caressing the crooked left ear of the animal, «but it's been hers, too.» Killian watched her look at the toy, her eyes not actually seeing it, lost in some distant memory. As if waking up from a dream, Emma shook her head slightly, her hand going to her neck, where a vial of something shiny hung from a leather string.
«Stop!» he exclaimed, fear grabbing his heart like a vice, eyes wide. He was terrified whatever magic she had there would take the only way to find his daughter away from him, that it would take her away from him. Again.
Emma must've read the feelings storming inside him because she dropped her hand, keeping it away from the vial. «I'm sorry, I should've asked you first,» she mumbled, casting her eyes downwards. «It's a simple locator spell, Blue… the Blue Fairy helped me concocting it.»
At that, Killian furrowed his brows. «You still have magic?» The grip on his cutlass tightened, his knuckles turning white.
Emma didn't meet his eyes at the question. «It's… feeble. It still is… there, or here, inside me, but Gothel has used it so much during all these years she drained it, almost to the point to barely leave any.»
He wondered if her condition was due to this draining, which led to him questioning himself what happened to Alice once the tower was destroyed, if her body had started to perish, too, just like Emma's. Somehow, he wasn't sure it was all magical.
«How can I trust you won't just disappear with the rabbit? How can… how can I trust you?» The words hurt him like thorns as they made way out of his mouth.
A lone tear ran down Emma's cheek, her lower lip trembling uncontrollably. «I'm sorry, Killian, I'm so sorry.»
Her words only managed to infuriate him even more. «You keep saying that, but you weren't sorry when you left me to take care of a baby in a bloody tower she couldn't escape, were you? You left, like everyone else, without even look behind to see the pain you left in your wake. And now you come here, claiming you're sorry, and want to find my daughter? Why would you? You are free to go, Emma, we managed without you, we surely don't need you now.»
But Emma was now crying in the earnest, shaking her head no with such violence he was afraid she might even lose her head. He shouldn't care. «No, Killian, please, no! It's not like that!» she pleaded him to listen to her, to believe her, her fingers digging into Mister Rabbit and clutching it to her chest and in a flash he saw another Emma, this time a scared eight-year-old, terrified of the night in the tower. A blink and little Emma turned into Alice, her mother's cry mixing with hers as she called out his name, afraid of being alone. «Killian, please,» Emma struggled to say, «I never left the tower.»
That got him. Oh, how he hoped she was lying, he wanted her to be lying to him, even when she was so miserable, but deep down he knew, he knew she wasn't. Still, his resentment toward her was still alive inside him. He eyed her carefully, his fist tightening even more around the hilt as he forced himself not to let it fall on the ground and rush to take her into his arms.
«How funny, I never saw you in there,» Killian joked, but his voice held no amusement, just scornful irony.
Emma recoiled as if his words had physically hit her. She set her jaw, her chin still trembling slightly. When she opened her mouth, it was as if he'd been punched by her words. «She stepped away from me, and she moved through the fair, and fondly I watched her…» Emma sang, another tear ruining her pale complexion. «You would sing this to her every night, every time she was fussy, because it was your mother's lullaby, the one she would sing to you and Liam when you were little.»
That's the Emma I remember, he couldn't help but think when he finally saw the fight in her eyes. He tried to ignore the questions he wanted to ask, how did she know, what did she mean when she said she'd never left the tower, if this new information would change his feelings for her or if they hadn't changed at all, always there, his heart always trying to tell him she lov- No.
He was this close to raise his cutlass to her throat once more, darkness whispering in his ear she wasn't Emma, that she actually was the witch. «How-»
«How do I know, Killian?» she cut him off, «how do I know my own daughter's name? How do I know you used to sing to her until you had no more voice yet you kept going on because she wouldn't calm down, too hungry or too tired or teething? How do I know what our daughter did until the day the tower was destroyed? Gothel trapped me, Killian, she trapped me behind the looking glass hours before your arrival.»
Killian was… he didn't know what he was, dumbfounded, astonished, whatever. He was at a loss of words, he couldn't even think. The feeling of betrayal, the loneliness he'd felt all those years, the darkness inside him didn't want to listen to her, trying to convince him she was lying. But here's the thing: Killian believed her. Or rather, part of him did, the same part that had never stopped caring about her.
He didn't ask what she meant, her words were clear enough, but he still couldn't understand. So he let his still-lingering anger have the best of him. «Oh, so you ended up in Wonderland? Nice place, that one. Did you enjoy the tea parties? Or perhaps it was the Hatter who was more enjoyable than simple tea?»
The sound of the slap echoed through the castle, his cheek burning as if someone was pressing a lit torch against his skin. He deserved it, he knew he did, the wave of shame that washed over him hitting him like a sword ran through what was left of his heart.
Killian didn't know he'd closed his eyes until he found himself reopening them just to see her fragile body tremble with rage. In that moment, Killian felt scared.
«You have no right, Killian!» she seethed, green eyes suddenly burning with fury, «you don't know what it was like! I tried to keep Gothel in the dark, because I was so sure you would come back with a way to free us.» Emma sobbed, brushing the tears away from her face. «At first, it looked like she wanted to let me keep her, saying Alice was a blessing. T-the day you- you came back she used her magic to speed up the pregnancy. My belly swelled in a matter of seconds, my baby, the baby I thought I would have nine months to feel grow and move inside me was out of me in a matter of minutes. At first I didn't understand why she did it. I-I… I didn't even have the time to hold her in my arms before… before…»
He felt the urge to gather her into his arms and hold her close, like he used to do years ago when she had a nightmare. But Killian couldn't just go back in time, as much as he wanted to, he couldn't change the past.
A scoff flew past her lips as she shook her head. «You think I ended up in Wonderland, Killian? You have no idea where I went. I-I… It was still the tower, a-a mirror version of it, I don't know, but I was still trapped there, my hair still growing and my body abused, empty.» Emma sniffled, trying to contain her sobs, ultimately breaking down in tears once more.
For so long Killian had wondered if his heart could still be broken, if the dust it'd been turned into could bear another heartbreak. Now, seeing Emma like that, he had his answer: it could.
«At first...» Her voice failed her as more sobs wretched her fragile body. Emma took a deep breath, both her trembling hands now clutching tightly Mister Rabbit to her heart. «At first I didn't understand, I was in pain because I'd just given birth, it looked like she'd just taken Alice away from me, but then… then I turned around and saw her with Alice crying in her arms inside the tower. I tried to break the mirror, smash it with all I had in that blasted tower, but I was too weak. It was enchanted, of course, and with- with my magic bound I couldn't do anything.» She closed her eyes, burying her nose in the stuffed animal, searching for a scent she didn't know just so she could smell her daughter, even just once. «Then you came back and she lied to you, told you I asked to s-speed up the pregnancy and left you with Alice and I screamed so much, hoping you would hear me but you didn't.»
A soft thump sounded deaf in his ears, echo of his first tear hitting his leather coat. Although she could've come up with this tale to trick him, he didn't believe it, not when she was so fragile she could break with a gust of wind. No, Killian thought, she's already broken, just like me.
«You know what the worst thing was, apart from being separated from her… from the both of you? That it wasn't only my heart that wanted to cross the mirror, but my body did, too. For months I knew the exact time Alice was hungry, I didn't even need her cries to know, m-my breasts they hurt, Killian, they hurt so much, needing to feed her, but I couldn't, I couldn't be there for here even though I was. When- The first time you left to gather supplies, Gothel came back. It'd been days since I gave birth and I wasn't eating, I couldn't bring myself to step away from the mirror, I wasn't eating… I was barely surviving.» Taking a deep breath, Emma tried to calm her breath, failing miserably. «She ordered me to eat, threatened to torture Alice. I wouldn't had put past her, and I couldn't risk my own daughter's life. I would eat and wash and sleep a bit, but my time would always be spent in front of the mirror. I even dragged pillows and blankets there so I could always keep an eye on you two, and when you were on the bed, I would sit at the vanity for hours just looking at how perfect my little baby was and how wonderful a father you were.»
She wasn't looking at him, lost in painful memories, and Killian was still crying, not telling himself he'd been stupid to think she'd leave them, but loathing himself for those thoughts. Somehow, he knew Emma would understand, that she would forgive him because there was nothing to forgive, because his thoughts were legitimate, but he still would feel guilty for thinking something like that, just like she would forever feel as if she'd abandoned Alice. A sad smile formed onto his face at the thought that they both were broken people once again finding each other.
«I watched her grow, and watched you teach her everything you know, how to fight, how to be brave, how to be free to be herself even if she couldn't journey the realms with you, just like you taught me.» She still wasn't looking at him and he was still clutching his cutlass, but neither of them could move an inch. «The years you spent with her… I can't say I didn't suffer, but I was happy anyway because she had you, because at least she could count on you for everything, because you were her Papa, her hero, just like-» Emma cut herself off, shaking her head. Killian couldn't stop the flutter of the broken pieces of his heart in his chest. Suddenly, her expression grew dark, the entire castle seemed to sink into a strange darkness too. «And then the witch cursed you, and I was so angry, Killian, at you, at her, but mostly at myself, because once again I couldn't protect the people I loved. All I wanted to do after you fell from the tower was hug Alice and tell her everything would be alright but I couldn't. I couldn't do anything and my baby was all alone.»
A giant puddle formed a few feet away from them, the giant's tears falling on the ground as he too listened to the story.
«Her cries for you, oh, Killian, it was heart breaking. When you were away she would silently cry herself to sleep, but after the curse she would wake up screaming for you. She was so close to me yet so far away, I couldn't comfort her in anyway, I never could.» A bright yet sad smile blossomed on Emma's face, lighting up her eyes, still lost in her thoughts. «But she's your daughter under every aspect, Killian, she's strong and turned her fears into strength, standing up to Gothel and fighting her nightmares away, finding courage inside herself because you taught her so.»
Killian closed his eyes, memories of Alice flooding his mind, his heart beating wildly in his chest at Emma's words, pride swelling inside him. More tears ran down his face, tears he'd not allowed himself to cry in a long time.
«On her last birthday, just moments before she blew her candle, pierced on top of a slightly burned chocolate muffin, Gothel appeared in the tower.» Emma broke into more sobs; although he wanted to go to her and brush her tears away, Killian found himself unable to move. «S-she covered the mirror so I couldn't see what she did to Alice, I had no idea what she could want from my baby, but then Alice started to scream and it happened so fast. There was a-a blinding light, so white and powerful it blinded me through the fabric and the mirror and then… then I was surrounded by thousands of shards cutting into my skin and something strong pushing me backwards. I remember waking up on the ground, surrounded by what remained of the looking glass and the tower around me and the beanstalk in its wake. I wanted to search for Alice, for you… I screamed her name, hoping she would reply, that she had s-sur-survived the fall…» Her voice broke, just like his heart did. «Blue found me mere moments later. She told me she'd felt my magic coming back. I tried to protest, saying I couldn't let my daughter alone, not again, not when Gothel was out there and could still hurt her. But Killian, Gothel is dead.»
It hit him how the happiness he felt at the news was still drowned by the pain of not knowing where Alice was and the heartbreak resulting from Emma's words. He wanted to talk, wanted to ask her how was she so sure the witch was dead and Alice-
Once again, her voice interrupted his thoughts. «Gothel, she is inside the beanstalk. I don't know how, I think one of the vines, or whatever they are, pierced through her and she's… somehow, she's inside the beanstalk. Alice isn't. I don't know where she is, Killian.» It was only then that Emma allowed herself to fall down on her knees, succumbing to all the pain she'd endured during all those years trapped behind the looking glass. «I wish…» her voice broke and she buried her face into Mister Rabbit. «I wish…» Another sob, as if she didn't want to even dare wishing anymore, because all her wishes had never come true. «I wish she would come back to me.»
«Papa? Mama?»
Both Emma and Killian stiffened. It wasn't real, it couldn't be real. It was impossible, just… impossible. That wasn't her voice, that wasn't her.
Emma's face was still hidden behind the toy, her entire body trembling so slightly it was barely noticeable. As for himself, Killian couldn't move either, not until…
«Is it really you?»
He turned around, he didn't even realize he did so, his heart hurting inside his chest in every way, emotionally and physically. The cutlass hit the stone floor with a loud clang.
«Alice?» Killian whispered, eyes wide as he took her in. She wasn't a child anymore, but it was her, of that he had no doubt: he could recognize his own eyes, Liam's eyes, his mother's eyes everywhere. His daughter was now a beautiful young woman, her long golden curls reaching just above her waist and her smile, oh, how he'd missed her warm smile, Emma's smile.
«Yes, yes, it's me.»
She was beautiful. And she was here. She came back, just like Emma- Emma.
Killian turned his head, his eyes falling on Emma's crouched form. He knew why she hadn't looked up yet, why she hadn't looked at Alice: she thought it was a dream, no, a nightmare, another one, one she'd made a thousand times already.
Slowly, he made his way towards Emma, kneeling down beside her, touching her for the first time in years, her skin as soft as he remembered. Memories rushed into his mind, memories he'd fought to keep out. Until now. He still feared her, because she still held the power of crushing him, of crushing his heart. But she never did, his heart seemed to whisper in his ear.
«Emma,» he murmured gently, tucking a strand of ear behind her ear, making her flinch. «Emma, love, she's here. It's not a trick, she's real.» It pained him that Emma couldn't believe their daughter was actually there. How many times had she dreamed of meeting her, touching her, just for it to turn out to be a nightmare?
Slowly, he helped her to her feet, but she still wouldn't look at Alice, whose eyes were now filled with tears, too. Although she'd never asked about her mother, Alice probably longed to hug her, too. Emma's hand grabbed Killian's, her nails digging into his flesh, begging him to never let her go.
A gasp left Emma's lips as she finally laid eyes on Alice for the first time, realizing she could finally touch her. Reluctantly letting his hand go and with trembling steps, her other hand holding Mister Rabbit to her, Emma made her way towards Alice. Killian wanted to go with her, wanted to finally touch his daughter, but aside from not being able to do so because of the curse, he didn't because it wasn't about him, but about them.
«Alice,» he heard Emma whisper reverently, raising a hand and caressing her cheek with the tips of her thin fingers.
«Yes, Mama, it's me,» Alice said, stepping forward as Emma fell into her arms. In that moment, Killian's heart felt whole.
«Oh, Alice, my baby,» Emma cried, burying her head in Alice's hair and cupping the back of her head, slightly rocking her as if she was still a newborn, an act she'd never been able of doing when she had the chance.
«Mama,» their daughter repeated, her arms tightening around her mother's form, warm tears of joy falling into her hair. «I've missed you so much.»
That caught his attention, and he could see Emma stiffen; even turned away from him, he could still feel what she was thinking: she was blaming herself for not having been there even though she was.
Alice noticed her mother's reaction and pulled away enough to look her in the eyes. «No, Mama, no! Do not blame yourself! I know you were there, I've always known.»
Killian frowned, and so did Emma. He was tempted to step forward, to ask her how she could possibly know – and why she had never told him she knew where her mother was – but the course, bloody hell, he could feel the pain starting to weaken him. Killian had not let go of a single whimper, Alice's vicinity too much to bear, but Killian Jones was a man who suffered in silence, this time would be no exception.
Alice gave Emma a small, sad smile. «I've always been able to see you, Mama. I could hear you sing to me when I couldn't sleep, I remember your prayer.» What Alice didn't add was that she remembered her cries, her pain. Not that it was needed, Killian could see the pain in her eyes, and sure as hell Emma could, too. «I-I'm sorry, Mama, I never told Papa about you because I thought the witch would hurt you if she knew I could see and hear you. That's why I used to spend time in front of the mirror, to have tea parties in front of you just so you could watch me and I would tell you about my day or my dreams. I didn't want you to feel left out.»
Killian could hear a low whimper coming from Emma's mouth, a string of words repeated into Alice's hair: oh, baby.
Of course, he'd never thought much about Alice always staying in front of the mirror, it wasn't as if she'd anywhere else to go, but knowing there was a reason and that reason being her mother just broke and mended his heart all over again.
He didn't know how much time passed, he didn't care, hell, he didn't notice the giant had – surprisingly – quietly gone somewhere else to give them the privacy they deserved, but one thing he knew for sure: he could spend ages just looking at mother and daughter hugging each other.
At one point, minutes, hours, years later, he saw Emma stiffen once again. There were hushed whispered exchanged between them, but in the end, Emma kissed Alice on her cheeks and forehead before taking a deep breath and turning around.
Although the imprisonment in the tower had left her so malnourished and weak, Emma still managed to show strength as she stepped towards him, a fire in her green eyes behind which he could see fear and hesitation.
She stopped a few feet away from him and took a deep breath. «As I slowly recovered in Misthaven, I searched for a cure. Unfortunately, the curse of the poisoned heart doesn't work like other curses, much like the spell surrounding the tower, and it can't be broken with a True Love's kiss.» Another deep breath; Killian focused on it in order to stay calm and not let the pain, physical and metaphorical, show on his face. «But I did find another way. You- you don't have to have anything to do with me, you and Alice can go on your way, if you want, I… I would understand. You don't have to owe me nothing.»
Confused, Killian furrowed his brow. Before he could ask her what she meant, Emma reached up with her hand in front of her – she'd left Mister Rabbit with Alice – and plunged it into her chest.
A gasp flew past his lips, but soon, Emma pulled her hand out, a bright, red heart glowing in her palm. «It was my mother who suggested it. Well, she was mostly speculating, but I thought… with a heart that wasn't yours, yet it somehow was, you would still be able to live and go near Alice, to hug and kiss her and live with her.»
Killian was speechless. «No, Emma, I-I can't take your heart,» he began, but she was already shaking her head and stepping forward, holding her pulsating heart onto her palms like an offering.
«No, Killian, you wouldn't be taking it, I am giving it to you,» she replied, two tears wetting her skin as a smile brightened her face. In an unexpected move, Emma broke the heart in two, the halves identical. Another step forward and she was mere inches from him; with his breath he could ruffle her hair. «Besides, it's been yours since you first came back to me.»
With those words, Emma pushed half of her heart into his chest.
Killian grunted and fell forward, right into Emma's arms. He closed his eyes, darkness surrounding him for the briefest of moments, the feeling of having his own heart – or what little remained of it – the feeling of dying for even just the tiniest moment destabilized him. But then, then all the pain he'd felt seconds before was gone.
It was a strange feeling, having a new heart that actually was half a heart, and a not-cursed one. Opening his eyes, he realized he was still supported by Emma, whom he could feel shake under his weight. He pulled away, concern marring his face as he searched her eyes to see if she was alright. In response, she gave him a feeble smile and gulped before putting her half of her heart inside her chest.
«Alice was right,» Killian heard her whisper. Confused, he tilted his head, and Emma's smile just widened, becoming real and brightening her face. «She told me it would work. All along, she knew. She's special, Killian, and I can't thank you enough for having raised her perfectly.»
Suddenly afraid, Killian's head snapped towards a waiting Alice, the way she clutched Mister Rabbit to her chest reminding him of how Emma had done the same just earlier. His demons, his fears paralyzed him: what if it had not worked? What if Emma had given up half of her heart for nothing?
But then there was the lack of pain, Alice's words whispered to her mother, and he stepped towards her. There was no pain. Another step, and the pain just wasn't there, just the memory of it. One more step and he was sprinting to Alice just as she broke into a run herself.
Their body collided and Killian took her into his arms, lifting her without any effort though she now weighted way more than she had when he last saw her, cupping the back of her head just like Emma had done in a natural way.
«Starfish,» he breathed into her hair. He could smell salt, as if she'd been near the sea, and oranges. Oh, how he'd missed her.
«Papa,» Alice giggled in reply, hugging him with all she had, not caring if she was almost suffocating him, Killian didn't mind either, he was just too happy to feel anything else.
He basked in the hug for what could've been decades and he still wouldn't have been enough. Alas, Alice pulled away, her free hand finding his and squeezing before pulling him along with her towards Emma, who'd been watching them the same way he did them.
«From now on, we will never be parted again,» Alice spoke, offering Emma the hand that still held Mister Rabbit, at which Emma chuckled before grabbing the toy, «unless it's under common agreement, of course. From now on, we will be a family.»
Killian knew there were bumpy seas ahead, that it would take time to mend the relationship between Emma and himself, that even if she'd not told him she loved him, her words earlier were enough for him, but in that moment, when he found himself hugging the two women he loved more than life itself, as his daughter kept her head on his shoulder and her mother held hers a bit lower to feel the heart that had always been his steady beating, Killian felt whole.
He felt home.