Notice: This is a gathering of Oneshots about Castiel and Dean. They do not depend on eachother and is meant to be read individually.
Summery: When Dean died all of his happiest memories were activated in Heaven, and became a part of eternity. Any Angel with access to Heaven can see them, and now a certain Angel-God has returned to Heaven, for the first time in years.
Disclaimer:
All the characters are lent,
and I do not own a single cent.
So please don't sue,
I'm begging you!
Castiel the Angel-God frowned and tilted his head. He was used to listening to billions of voices, all over the world, sorting through them and shutting them out when needed. A few million new voices shouldn't have been a problem, but these new voices were horrific. He had tried to shut them up, tried to shush them, but they were vicious and ungrateful and their voices tore at his attention. And even worse, their presence burned his grace. He hadn't anticipated that it would be such a trail, that he would become so weary. This new power was supposed to make him magnificent. Instead he felt filthy.
He felt so filthy in fact that he didn't even want to go back to his green garden paradise. He didn't want to defile and blemish it. Instead he found himself wandering other people's heavens. It was a soothing feeling, watching happiness and peace when his insides were screaming.
Once in a while he would stumble across the heaven of someone he had met on earth, and it always made him recoil; He made an effort never to be seen, never to make his presence known, when he wandered into someone's heaven, but somehow he got the feeling that the human soul knew he was there, it was like his presence tainted their heaven. He didn't want to risk tainting or disturbing the heavens of those humans he had known. He felt they deserved better, for putting up with him.
One day Castiel stumbled into a heaven, that seemed familiar, seemed almost to be expecting him, welcoming him. But the heaven was empty.
For a fraction of a second he wondered why a heaven would be here, unused. The next fraction af a second he knew the answer.
Personal heavens were made up of memories, strong happy memories, and were activated the instance a human soul entered past the gates of Heaven and then added here for eternity. The only reason a heaven would be here, idle, was if the soul had been returned to it's body. And a soul being ripped out of Heaven were even more rare than a soul being retrieved from Hell.
Castiel knew only two souls that had tried both. But wandering around in the big house, seeing sun streaming through the windows and mentally tasting the calm happiness that soaked this heaven, he had no doubts who's heaven he was in.
"Dean." He whispered the name like a soft prayer. The name felt strange on hip lips, alien. He hadn't let himself even think the name for so long.
He had never been here, in Dean's heaven. He hadn't seen any of the memories that was Dean's most precious moments; Dean had been sent to heaven after Castiel had been banished.
Castiel let himself feel the memory. It was intimate and familiar, even if he's never seen it before. And just then he became curious. What other heavens did Dean have? What happy moments were here, empty, waiting for Dean's soul to return?
Castiel lets his awareness stretch, expanding out and gathering the memories, the heavens he could feel belong to Dean. And just like blinking his eyes he stepped from one into another.
Since the New Beginning Castiel has had a hard time remembering. Especially his memories from his time on earth, where everything was so dark. His old memories from heaven is easier to recall, all the bright light makes everything stand out, beautiful and sharp. But even though Castiel has a hard time recalling his brief time banished from Heaven, he remembers this day.
What is easiest to recall is the feelings connected to the day, and there were many. Every emotion Castiel could remember ever having felt, he could link to that day. Joy, stands out. And another feeling he can't quite word, but it has to do with feeling safe and content. And he also remembers fear.
Castiel was a soldier. He had seen war since he was first created, had fought horrific battles and fought his way into Hell. But he had never felt sheer terror until that day, the day when Dean took him to that den of iniquity.
This little part of Dean's heaven isn't that memory though. It's later that night.
Dean and Castiel had parked the Impala on a rest stop, front of the car facing over a low woodland, stretching out for miles and miles, as far as a human could see. The two of them were sitting on the hood, like Dean and Sam had done so many times, and Castiel had been feeling almost honored to be allowed to take Sam's spot.
Now Castiel stands here, looking at the Impala and at the memory of himself, sitting alone on the hood of the car, because Dean's soul isn't here to take part in the reminiscence. He watches the memory play itself out for a few moments, then he walks over to the car taking the empty spot where Dean should have been.
"Cas, you know what?." Castiel begins, echoing what Dean had said that night. "I've been thinking, you know, about this whole apocalypse thing." He held his breath and saw the memory of himself lift it's head to look at where Dean's face had been. "If we win this, and I'm not saying we have a snowball's chance, but if we for some reason manage to save the world, what are you gonna do then?"
The memory of Castiel takes a few seconds to process, frowning. "In this unlikely scenario of yours, am I still banished from Heaven?"
"Yes." Castiel whispers, even though Dean had answered "No." It doesn't matter, really. Castiel's answer wouldn't have changed either way.
The memory of Castiel gives Dean a small, but genuine smile. "I think I would like to try having a night off again. Like tonight." Memory-Castiel looks thoughtful. "I know you can't understand what it's like to be an Angel, Dean, but everything we see, hear and feel is so much more than what humans experience. Did you know Angels can taste a sunset?"
Memory-Castiel looks to Dean that isn't there, and Angel-God Castiel looks back at his own face, no Jimmy's face, how Dean sees him.
"Really?" Castiel continue to echo Dean's missing side of the conversation. He can feel a lump rising in his throat. He swallows.
"Yes." Memory-Castiel continues. "And the night too. Angels are very sensitive to nature, because we're so close to it. But it's different from Angel to Angel what force of nature we're closest to. Some like the raging powers of the ocean, some a soft summer rain." Memory-Castiel frowns. "I've been told Lucifer loved the stars most."
Castiel remembers clearly what Dean asks next, but he doesn't have the mental strength to voice it now. What's your favorite?
He holds his breath, and waits for Memory-Castiel to answer the question.
"I love the wind." Memory-Castiel whispers. "It's the most powerful force I've ever known, beside God. And it can also be the most gentle."
I can see that, is what Dean would have said. Like a soft, warm breeze.
Memory-Castiel smiles because Dean understands. "Exactly. I love feeling the wind caressing my wings when I fly."
The Angel-God Castiel smiles a sad smile. Dean had cringed at that, at Castiel's choice of words. But the curiosity on his face had been unambiguous. He had asked Castiel what it felt like to fly, and Castiel hadn't been able to give him an answer, other than what Jimmy had once said, that it was like a comet flying across the skies. And then Dean had asked if he would ever be able to see Castiel's wings.
The Angel-God closed his eyes. The feelings that Castiel connected to this moment, when he looked back at it, was so happy. Castiel remembered feeling that strange feeling, the one he couldn't quite word. But now, watching this memory in Dean's heaven, Castiel felt nothing but pain and grief.
He watched the memory of himself slowly get off the car and focus. He knew, that in a minute or so, his wings would unfold and manifest on a plane that Dean's human eyes would be able to see. He knew that Dean, if his soul were here to play along, would slide off the car with reverence in his eyes, and move slowly to touch one of the out-stretched wings.
But Castiel didn't want to stay here, he didn't want to see the Memory-Castiel betray himself so completely, with that serene and elated look on his face.
Next moment the Angel-God is back in the silent, but pleasant surroundings of Dean's childhood home. Castiel hadn't let himself think of Dean for so long. He hadn't expected to find himself there in Dean's heaven. He hadn't expected to find that memory as one of Dean's happiest and fondest moments
Slowly he flexes his wings. The muscles are tense and restless. It's been so long since he last flew, since he last permitted himself to leave Heaven.
A soft warm breeze, brushing his wings like a soft endearment. That's how it feels to fly, but he hadn't wanted to tell Dean. He hadn't wanted to admit just how sensitive his wings were. Because flying is nothing compared to what Castiel felt when Dean gently and full of devoted veneration reached out and touched his angelic wings.
For the first time since the New Beginning, the voices in Castiel's head were dead silent.
A/N: English is my second language and I don't have a beta. As a consequence some grammar mistakes and misspelling will occure.
I don't know if I managed to make it too confusing in Dean's little Heaven, with two Castiels "talking" to eachother. Comments?
Also I don't really find the ending good enough; I like them heartbreaking. So I might extend it a bit to show Dean's take on that memory, and why it was so special to him
Please use the Review option.
Oh, and I solemly swear to go down with the ship. There you go.
If you too are willing to pledge yourself to the Destiel ship, then do it loud and proud.