On The Outside Looking In

"A friend once said to me

That rejection is a time for reflection

And I tend to agree

So tell me

As I stare into the face of rejection

Why is it that I see my own reflection?

Am I cursed to take this personally?"

Chapter 4. A Time For Rejection

Kathryn sighed, watching Chakotay leave in the darkness. Everything just klicked, it all made so much sense. He had been following her from a distance, because he still felt his obligation to her. They had never discussed their relationship after Voyager and both of them had just assumed. Things hadn't worked out as they had planned, but he had still kept his promise to her. That was the kind of man he was.

As she looked off into the distance towards where Chakotay had disappeared around the trees she noticed Thom coming around the corner. She decided to quickly comm Chakotay before she changed her mind.

After messaging him she actually felt a little better, and Thom smiled as he stepped over the threshold. 'Hi, Kathryn. You look beautiful.' She chuckled, still in uniform. 'I haven't had time to change yet. I just got home.' He looked at the cup in her hands, raising an eyebrow. 'But you had time to make that, whatever it is.' She nodded. 'Priorities, mister.'

He laughed at her and disappeared around the corner of the bedroom. He hadn't kissed her hello yet, but that wasn't unusual as he probably wanted to change before properly greeting her. 'I'll jump in the shower,' she heard him call. 'If that's okay with the Captain.'

'The Admiral is going to take a long bath before eating dinner,' she called back. 'And she's not going to cook it.' A smile formed around her lips. 'Unless you are in the mood for charred chicken or burnt bechamel.' 'I don't know,' he replied. 'Might be the next big thing. You never know unless you try.' 'Oh, I've tried,' she answered. 'Believe me, this is not going anywhere near any culinary archive.'

In the bathroom, Thom lowered his head, thinking of all the memories she had that he knew nothing about. There were seven years of her life missing for him, because she rarely spoke to him about anything other than missions and reports. He knew the relationships she had formed where important to her, and that it hurt having to let go of her crew, but he had the strong feeling that Kathryn was still living somewhere between here and the Delta Quadrant. Seeing Chakotay today had made him a little wistful: Here was a man who had spent seven years literally by her side, who she had admitted meant a lot to her, now practically a stranger. He wasn't a jealous man, but you didn't have to be to still feel uncomfortable with the appearance of the very handsome, very loyal former First Officer. He had heard all sorts of rumors about their alleged relationship on board Voyager, but the fact that everyone thought it was still going on reassured him that there was no intimate relationship at all, like Kathryn had told him. There was just no way, and even though there must have been a lot of mutual respect, he was almost certain that there were no romantic feelings between Kathryn and Chakotay.

Showering quickly Thom made sure he had time to replicate food and set the table before Kathryn was finished with her bath. One of the great advantages of this apartment over his old one (that he still kept) was that she had two bathrooms, one specifically designed to hold her spacious bathtub. Even though they enjoyed sharing a shower sometimes, or even a bath, it was convenient to be able to jump in a sonic shower without having to disturb Kathryn in her bath time, which seemed to almost be sacred to her. Without disturbing her he went about making dinner, looking forward to a quiet evening with Kathryn.

After dinner they retreated to the couch with their dessert, chocolate and coffee ice cream. Thom was a fan of old movies, Kathryn had found that it might be a name thing. Tom Paris had actually recommended a couple of 'golden oldies' to them, and even though the screen was far from old fashioned Kathryn still felt like she was 200 years in the past whenever they watched one of the films. Tonight was one of those nights, both of them wanting some down time together, enjoying their ice cream and the movie while sitting together. Sometimes Thom's hand would find its way up her arm from its position around her shoulders, and like today he would sometimes pull her a little closer to his body when he felt she was being quiet.

'You okay?' he asked about halfway through the movie. Kathryn had been exceptionally silent, where he would usually have to ask her to please not comment on the script or science she had just been sitting next to him today, their sides flush against each other, his arm around her. Her knees were pulled up with her feet on the sofa, and she was sitting almost sideways leaning into him. Her head was on his shoulder and he couldn't see her eyes but he just felt something was off.

She nodded quietly. 'Yeah, fine.' Their relationship was young, even though they weren't anymore. She wasn't comfortable discussing her deepest feelings with him. In fact, she wasn't really comfortable discussing feelings at all. 'Watch the movie,' she advised. 'I'm just tired.'

Thom took her advice and refocused on the film. He had known ever since the beginning that there would be bad days, where Kathryn would retreat into her own bubble. He had known this to be her coping mechanism, and even though he didn't like it, he understood why it was necessary. Pushing would only result in her leaving his side and retreating to bed, and he didn't want her to feel like she had to run. She had been running for seven years. It was time for him to show her it was okay to stop.

The next day, Chakotay woke up feeling slightly nauseous. He had seen Kathryn a number of times, but he hadn't spoken to her since the party, and in hearing her comm message yesterday he had realized how little he actually knew about her life right now. He had dreamt of her, though, something that wasn't uncommon. It had become more frequent when he had started walking by her house, but the dreams had mostly been the same. He had seen her in her window, or in Voyager's window. Some dreams had consisted of them working together. Weirdly enough the thing he saw more and more had been that final handshake a younger Kathryn had given him when the ship had been fractured into multiple dimensions, where she had asked him a question that could have changed her life (Could it have changed his? He didn't know, temporal mechanics gave him a headache). Just how close do we get? Today would possibly answer that question, because with them being in the situation they were in right now, this was as close as they could possibly get. Maybe that is why last night he hadn't dreamt of her on Voyager.

He had seen her in a time before that. Young, happy and mostly carefree, walking her dog and later reading a book on a porch of a house he didn't know. His dreams had been vivid, and he had written down some details right after he woke up just so he wouldn't forget about them. Carefree Kathryn.

His morning was spent mostly teaching classes, and he was surprised at how focused he actually managed to be. Compartmentalizing had never been a problem after Voyager, he should thank Kathryn for that, really. After his classes were over he replayed her message just to make sure she did mean lunch, today. He knew where she usually went for lunch because he had seen her there often, so he made sure he was a little early getting there. The owner knew a lot of the former Voyager crew, so he just smiled and nodded to a table when Chakotay came in.

After five minutes and the waiter delivering one herbal tea and one coffee at his request, he saw her. From his table at the window he had a clear view of the street and the corner she would be coming around. He wasn't wrong, and he smiled at her predictability. She didn't see him until she walked through the door, and after greeting the waiter she approached him, a little tentatively.

'Hi Chakotay,' she started. 'It's good to see you.' He stood, not sure what to offer her but a friendly smile. He dropped his gaze to the floor as she openly met his eyes, realizing she had left the Captain's mask behind. 'It's good to see you too,' he said. 'Please, sit.'

She sat down opposite him, not missing the fact that there was fresh coffee waiting for her. 'I promised you to always have coffee ready,' he said. 'I thought it was a good time to remind you of that.' She looked at him, a myriad of expressions in her face, not one settling long enough for him to grasp it. 'I haven't taken you up on that recently, and for that I am sorry,' she said. 'You have always been a good friend.'

Sitting opposite Chakotay Kathryn found she didn't know what to say. He was her old friend, best friend, and a few months ago she couldn't have imagined a day without him. Now, they were something of a mystery to one another. Words had never been the problem for them, they had always had plenty to converse about. Initial greetings today had been casual, albeit a little awkward, but nothing too bad. Now the scene had changed and the time for small talk seemed to finally be over, she found that words, especially the right words, were something she didn't know much about.

It was like the worst scenario in Kal-Toh, a game which Tuvok had once described to her as "not about striving for balance but about finding the seeds of order even in the midst of profound chaos."

In her search for balance she had shown Chakotay rejection, even though she had carefully tried to navigate the chaos they had created for themselves. He had given up, unable to balance her rules with his desires. And she didn't blame him, because given the situation she had asked him for the impossible. There is no such thing as undying loyalty, she should have known that. Just like there is no such thing as the perfect happy ending. It was one of the reasons she had wasted no time in finding someone after they got home, because the chaos Chakotay had left in her head and in her heart would have crippled her before she ever had a chance to navigate towards any kind of resolution.

Sitting opposite that man right now was a little daunting, especially because she had called this 'meeting' after catching him spying on her yesterday. Did it really have to come to this? Did they have to become strangers before admitting that they wanted each other's company?

Chakotay decided to break the silence. 'You look good,' he said. 'I hope you feel happy.' She nodded a little. 'I am, Chakotay. It has been a hard few months. But I'm happy to be home.' He shifted a little in his seat. 'You wanted to talk about last night. There really is no excuse, Kathryn. And I am sorry, I'll stop, it is completely inappropriate.'

She chuckled. 'Spying on your former Captain, yes, that is inappropriate.' She leaned her face on one hand, like she had done on Voyager leaning over their console towards his command chair. 'I understand why you did it, though. You promised me something and you haven't let go yet.'

He sighed and rubbed his forehead. 'Should I? Let go?' The tone he used was similar to when she had asked him to define parameters. 'I'm not sure I can,' he added. 'Let go.'

I'm not asking you to,' she said. 'I'm not saying it was okay what you did, but I'm not offended by it.' He huffed. 'I'm sure your... Partner disagrees.' Boyfriend just sounded ridiculous, and male friend didn't cover it for him. Still, it stung to say these words to her, because deep down he knew that the term 'partner' belonged with him. It suited him.

'My 'partner' is called Thom, and he doesn't know, so you're fine.' She sipped her coffee. 'So I guess the notifications I've gotten of people requesting my schedule was mostly you?' He nodded. 'I think it was, yes.'

'How's Seven?' she decided to change the subject.

'Annika,' he corrected immediately. 'She's fine, you know. She's doing really well, adjusting.' Kathryn nodded. 'That's good.'

'Kathryn, we are not in a relationship,' he said softly. 'We dated a couple of times but it's over. We agreed a long time ago that it would never work.' 'I'm sorry,' Kathryn stated. 'I really am. I want both of you to be happy and the prospect of Seven being with you was… Comforting in a way. I know you. I know you would keep her safe.' He didn't correct her this time. 'Like I promised to do for you,' he added, because he felt it was on the tip of her tongue. 'And you did,' she said confidently. 'We're home.'

'But our friendship got left behind,' he pushed on. 'I think I caused that and it was never my intention.' Kathryn felt uncomfortable now, because she knew exactly what she wanted to say, but she knew that it wouldn't be fair to Chakotay to throw it all on him. She hadn't investigated properly. She had assumed that she had no place with him, and that had broken them apart in the end. Especially now that she knew his thing with Seven had not been serious. Chakotay felt her unease and decided to continue. 'A long time ago I swore to stay by your side and I faltered. The timing was terrible and I know I should have waited for you, but Kathryn… You never gave me a chance.' Tears were now in her eyes. 'I couldn't,' she said. 'You could have,' he disagreed. 'Near the end, you could have. When we arrived back home, you could have.' He knew he was probably not being very tactful but he didn't care at this point. 'I need your friendship, Kathryn. If the past few months have taught me anything it is that seven years is enough for someone to settle into ones soul for good. You are in mine and I need time like this with you, if you are still willing to grant me that.'

She nodded, her emotions slowly fading to a controllable level. 'I miss our friendship too. You have to stop coming to the window, though. I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself. You don't have to protect me.' He lowered his head. 'Okay.' She reached out her hand to him, elbow still on the table. 'Don't hide from me, Chakotay,' she said softly.

He took her hand and his soul reached out to hers. Her heartbeat quickened to meet his and their eyes said it all. The promise of so much more would remain unspoken, untouched between them to be saved for a later time, or maybe to never be spoken of again. They were both aware of it, though. But for now, the most important thing was that they had a friendship to rebuild. No more punishment.

They agreed to meet up two days from now, at his house. She invited him to come over to meet Thom which he respectfully declined, but he did throw in an invitation for her to bring him just to show how he meant everything he said. She smiled sadly and thanked him for asking. He knew Thom wouldn't accompany Kathryn two days from now. She'd come alone, because she wanted to.

Lunch was nice, a little awkward but nice and Kathryn felt hopeful as she left Chakotay standing in the street about an hour later. She valued his friendship and she was very grateful that he hadn't pushed anything else. She felt a little guilty for putting him in this situation but he seemed to understand that her relationship with Thom was one born out of necessity, a need for comfort and love when he had turned away from her. There was a lot that still needed to be discussed but they had time.

And for the first time since being home Kathryn wasn't scared of slowing down. Taking a second, just to breathe. To look in the mirror and decide what she liked and didn't like about her reflection.

The realization had been around the corner for a while now, but she had never allowed herself to feel it. However, suddenly, there it was. She had been afraid of that one thing, that thing that would always be with her, wherever she went, whoever she became. Her reflection, which confronted her with every decision, every word and every thought she had ever made, said or had. It was scary. But today, for the first time, she found comfort in the idea because of her best friend. And just like that, facing herself wasn't impossible anymore.