Pure as Snow: A desire for Emotions

by Jun Hiroshi

Mello dropped his hands from my shoulders and stared deep into my eyes that must have looked like a black well to him now. I felt his piercing stare, trying to depict what was going on, what my true look was... Near's POV. MxN. yaoi. Rated M for a reason.

4. A desire to be Meaningful 1

Title: Pure as Snow: A desire for Emotions
Fourth Part: "A desire to be Meaningful #1"
A Death Note Doujinshi Oneshot
Main Pairing: Mello x Near
Side Parings: MxM & MxN

Disclaimer: In no way will I ever be able to own Death Note or Death Note's content. If I did, there'd be dirty Mello and Near yaoi scenes! x)

Warning:This fanfic is ratedMfor mature audiences.

Yaoiis coming ahead, meaningguys with guys. If you do not want to read about

male x male relationships,read no further!I cannot stress this fact enough.

I shall have you know, once again, that this is in fact,yaoi.

Now here's my first yaoi oneshot for those who have read the above and are still here!
^o^

- + -

NOTICE: Sorry for the mistake, thanks to Tsukiyo. Near's birthday really is August twenty-fourth; I made a slight mistake so now the date in the story is slightly altered but it's still the same date as Matt and Mello had gone to the store. ^^;

Part Three: "A desire to be Meaningful #1"

Wammy's; August 21st, 12:48 PM

Near's POV

When we, Roger and I, heard the doorknob click from someone turning on the other side of the door both of us turned to look at who was to enter the office room. Turns out it was Mello's red-headed friend, Matt. He came in and spoke as he did with the door closing behind him with uncertainty in his voice and composure.

"Roger," he paused for a moment and continued with a little more confidence. "I have a question." Then he noticed that Roger wasn't alone; I was standing in front of Roger's desk with my torso facing Roger while I twirled a lock of white hair.

For some reason there seemed to be a sudden look in his eyes of realization once he looked down at the white bear that I held with my free hand. The small toy had come from Roger as an early birthday present since he wasn't going to be here on August 24th. Anyway, Matt and Mello were the best of friends and constantly together, you rarely saw one of them without the other, until recently that is… Mello had come to see me recently a lot so I doubt that he and Matt had spent much time together.

"Yes, Matt?" answered Roger with an ignorance of the expression in Matt's eyes. I was glad he had spoke up because this silence was beginning to give the room an unsettling, musty feeling that I didn't quite like. "What are you in need of?" He asked when Matt didn't respond and gave Matt his regular smile that he always gives to us orphans. In a way it was highly professional rather than friendly.

Matt blushed at his own intense stare that had been upon me and played with his fingers while looking downward at the floor. "Umm… May I speak to you in private?" muttered the embarrassed red-head. I kind of wondered what he wanted to ask.

I looked to Roger who nodded and told me, "Near, would you mind waiting outside and continuing this topic after Matt's question for me?" Again, he had that pathetic smile that was only for us who were younger without parents; it looked like pity more than anything else. Maybe he thought of us as being incredibly young since he is so old.

But still, I nodded. "Of course, Roger." I showed no hint of any emotion and I truly didn't quite feel much anyway. Next, I walked out the door, slowly closing it behind me. I decided since they would probably be talking for quite some time that I would sit down next to the door and wait, so I did. My new bear was in my lap and my finger played with its fur, it was so soft.

After about a minute or two later of petting the bear and curling a strand of my own hair, I heard someone's footsteps coming down the hall in my direction from the right. So I looked to see who it was and after the person got closer and closer I could see more of their features. It was a blonde male with piercing blue eyes and his hands were in his dark brown pockets. His blonde hair covered his blue orbs half-way and he smirked when he saw me, definitely Mello.

I felt a shiver go up and down my spine when I thought is name, just him being there made me happy and my cheeks turned red. So with my cheeks of red powder, I looked away and fiddled with my doll nervously which caused him to chuckle at my actions. Within a few strides he was in front of me with chocolate in his mouth and he broke off a piece viciously like a carnivorous creature.

Then he squatted down to my eye level and said, "Near," with chocolate between his teeth. "C'mere!" commanded Mello with a hand motion that beckoned me closer.

So I came closer and closer until he stopped his hand motion which left about two or three centimeters of space in between us. "Yes, Mello?" whispered I; I thought we were too close together to speak above a whisper. I was a little shy because I already knew what he was up to and wanted him to go faster, but I could wait. I always wait; even now I'm waiting for Matt to hurry up with his question for Roger.

With a seductive smirk Mello grabbed the back of my head and pulled me into a wet kiss, passing the chocolate into my mouth. In response to his movements my hands lost grip on the bear and my strand of hair to his locks of yellow. Both of us were holding onto each other by the back of our heads and we constantly moved to match each other. His tongue played with mine and the chocolate that lay in-between our lips just like the 'Pocky Game.'

But we didn't move very much farther, it would definitely kill this addictive yet dangerous game we played with each other: who would last longer? I felt Mello's groin grind against my smaller one as he kissed me even more forceful than when we had begun.

Finally, our lips departed to catch our breath then when we both had what seemed to be enough oxygen, I nearly tackled him in a giant French-kiss. It caught Mello off-guard but soon enough he pushed me against the wall and played with my tongue while grinding against my member underneath my pants once again. Both of us had an erection just from out kisses and touches, but we still didn't give in to temptation. This was way more fun.

"Mm…" a moan escaped my lips as we kissed each other deeper and deeper, tongues searching each other's mouths and exploring new pleasurable twists and turns. If we had just rushed like the times before it wouldn't have been this stimulating with just our kisses.

That's when an interruption occurred: the office doorknob had turned, releasing a squeak. Both of us gasped in horror and straightened ourselves out. Then Mello stood up quickly, almost falling over. I couldn't help but smile at him, doing my best to hold in my laughter just like that one cold snowy day I had seen him and his friend outside.

After what felt like hours of embarrassment but was in reality only about a few milliseconds, out came the doorknob-turner, Mello's best friend, Matt. When I saw his face my eyes would have gone wide if I wasn't used to not expressing emotion, sadly, Mello always let his overflow. His cheeks were a bright red and his eyes nearly flew out of blonde head.

"M- Matt?!" stuttered Mello. He never had enough control over himself. "W- What are you doing here?" Then out came a nervous laugh.

Matt looked to me and then back at Mello, his most likely thought was: 'what the hell have they been doing?' 'Yes, that's probably it. If only Mello wasn't so expressive Matt would have never guessed... Did he even know at this moment? Would he even understand all of this?' I wish I would have known…

Matt's lips tightened and clenched together. "Mello," he began, and then looked over to me. "What the hell have you done?" His voice would have been a scream if Roger's door had not been open ajar. "You," he looked back at Mello. "Why?" With a small quiver from his mouth I knew I was right.

'He knows…'

"Why?" He repeated when Mello gave no answer. "Why?" It looked like tears could fall from his eyes at any moment, draining all his emotions out into a huge puddle, but for the moment they stayed put. "I thought…" Then something changed, he was no longer upset, but instead he seemed to have lost himself in a deep, deep thought.

"Matt," Mello sighed as he tried to reassure his friend. "Near is nothing to me."

When I heard Mello's words first leave his mouth, that I am nothing, my heart nearly dropped. Just when I thought I had almost gained some emotion, I truly went ice cold, which is exactly how I acted now and responded just the same.

Slowly, I nodded in agreement with his words. "Yes," said I. "Mello and myself are nothing. We are not a pair, we are not lovers, and we are not and never were friends. To me, it is the same. Mello means…" but I couldn't say it, I let the sentence travel off into space.

Then with just a fluid, yet rough, movement, I stood on my own two feet and proceeded to walk away from both the red-head and the blonde that I meant nothing to. Just like before, I mean nothing. I am nothing. To everyone else, all I am to them is 'number one,' someone to honor, to hate, and to compete against, but me as myself meant nothing and was nothing to anyone. No one cares for an emotionless boy.

Finally, I stood in front of my bedroom door with a heavy feeling on my shoulders that I couldn't seem to shake off but eventually it too, will fade to white perfection.

Perfection is said to be in the eye of the beholder, such as beauty, for example. To me 'perfection,' is a blank, clean slate, it is a mask of white, it is what people strive to be, and it holds no humanity. It does not carry around useless and obnoxious emotions, nor does it will itself to think outside of logical explanations.

Most of all, this 'perfection,' that everyone wants to have, to be a virgin to everything that is not completely perfect, is what I have become. Although it is not me… for I am human, or so I claim to be by scientific findings and classifications.

In order to have perfection, you must be nothing, to be clean, a virgin of every speck of life, and that I could never become, but I can play the part of 'perfection.' To be in this life, I am that example of perfection. I will be perfection and it will never break my hold on what is true because logical answers always are true, they are, in fact, 'perfection.'

This is why I look the way I do, blank as a slate, white as snow. I must be snow, I must be perfection. If I am not, what am I then? So to end all this nonsense and get on with my life, I come to this conclusion that in order to live, to survive, I must have no emotion.

'Yes, that's the answer. Perfetion is so simple and easy, I have been until I stumbled on one feeling. Why in the world had I wanted to earn those useless emotions? They get in the way of everything! My proof is Mello… Mello… he is- No! Shut up!'

My hands met with my cheeks, "no…" I mumbled. "No…" Then his blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, and smooth face entered through my mind, his smirk especially. "He is the enemy," I whispered to myself as I walked inside my room and locked the door behind me. "He is the opposite of perfection, the polar opposite of me. I must not fall to such irrational behavior such as his."

With that being said, a lie to myself, I hopped into bed and fell asleep. As I dreamed, what would have been a wonderful dream was to be seen before me.

The colors were vibrant everywhere I looked, it appeared to be a room with a bunk bed and a few things sprawled here and there. I had been lead into that room by a boy with a brilliant shade of blonde for hair and intense blue eyes. Somehow, I knew who he was; this was my Mello of before, my Mello in times of what seemed to be love and lust.

In this place, I could be imperfect; this is where I could truly live, right? No… it does not exist. This will all just fade…

And so it did. The colors began to dull and my Mello turned into the other Mello, the rival, the red-head's friend of choice. He was no longer who I had wished for, but he had become something to me although I was nothing. In fact, as the colors faded to a pitch-black darkness, he passed right through me as if I was really nothing at all. This simple metaphor was right, I am nothing to him so it is only logical that he would not see or feel my presence.

- + -

When I awoke, it was still dark out from what I could see through my bedroom window. The snow wasn't visible at all because of the dark sky of the night, nothing was. So I tried to fall back into my previous slumber, but after twelve or so minutes I realized I wasn't going to be able to. Then finally, with a groan, I arose and decided it was best to walk around and get rid of whatever it was that had been keeping me awake.

I tried not to trip as I placed one foot after the other through the darkness of my room, not even the moonlight helped shed some light into my path. Once I reached the door I slowly turned the knob so I wouldn't wake anyone up and crept into the dark hallway with only a faint glow of light from the small night-lights that were in almost every electric socket down all of Wammy's hallways. With another slow turn, I closed the door behind me and walked down the hall quietly.

Everyone was asleep of course, so I didn't have to worry about the other Wammy orphans acting like prison alarm sirens to yell out at Roger that I was sneaking around at this late hour way after curfew.

The dark hall of the orphanage with the small lights following me as I walked down the hall had somehow wrapped my entire body into a state of such wonderful calm feelings that I couldn't help but feel warm even though my toes were freezing. 'I wonder if Mello ever felt like this, or if he had ever done the same as I.'

Placing one foot in front of the other was easy even without actually knowing what the destination was, and this continuing feeling of calm in one's own heart was just what I need every once in a while. Feeling so content and peaceful within my own skin at last, I decided to close my eyes while I walked. After all, I knew these simple halls well enough to walk in the dark without crashing into anything.

Now with my eyes closed I felt even more serene until I heard something or someone else farther down the hall which meant I had to open my eyes with much disappointment. I was relieved to find myself out of the illumination of the small lights on the walls, they wouldn't have seen me and I would not be in trouble, yet.

The figure walked closer and closer with each stride which caused my heart to pulse up to frightening levels of distress. This person seemed to be about my height, but he didn't slouch so he must look taller than I to other people.

As this person got closer and closer I willed whoever it was to stop, but they wouldn't and now they were right in front of me! I had to do something quick but it was a mystery as to what I was to do. 'Well, I could simply walk aside, kick them in the groin, hoping that it's a guy, or go 'boo!' in hopes that it'll frighten them off.' But it was too late now.

"Oof!" the figure let out tons of air right after bumping into me from almost knocking me over. Sadly, now I was in the light because of the force from our collision but alas, whoever this person was remained anonymous. It would have been much fairer if this person was in the light to but beggars can't be choosers. "Near?" the figure whispered in hushed surprise. "What are you doing up out here so late?" the person who had asked had an angry tone to match their harsh-sounding whispers. This was also the person I did not want to see most of all: Mello.

I looked down at my toes which I had curled underneath my feet and reached with my hand for a lock of hair to play with. I missed with the first grab but succeeded in the next while I came to the conclusion that it was best to stay silent and not speak a word. My reasoning was if I didn't speak he wouldn't pester me for an answer because of our current situation, and there was no point; he didn't care about me anyway.

"Near," Mello began once again, starting out like he was going to try to get me to come out with an answer for him, but then I guessed he realized I wasn't about to speak because then he said something else. "Come with me." It was definitely a command that I was afraid to follow in such a situation but he overpowered me with his forceful grip. "Now!" he whispered furiously as I was tugged along by him in the exact direction that I had come from.

There was only one obvious destination now: my room.

-End?-

. - + ~ ^ ~ + - .

No A/N this time…

-Jun-