Part 4
The next night, the entire family is slow to continue packing. Luke is stalling because he has one little problem with packing; he doesn't know how to pack a suitcase. He's never had to pack one before nor was he ever taught how to by anyone.
While the rest of the family is in a hurry to pack and prepare, Luke is writing a Christmas list to Santa. He's sitting at an old desk stored up in the attic.
LUKE: (to himself as he writes) So I hope to get a new toothbrush that is very distinctive just for me. I'm tired of getting plain toothbrushes that looks the same and gets stolen by Caleb. Also I what I'd like for Christmas is to finally meet my Uncle Casey Kelso. I don't even know what he looks like. Sincerely Luke Kelso.
Luke folds the letter up and puts it into the envelope he set aside. He writes his name and address. On the top-left corner, he writes to "Santa Clause The North Pole."
His letter is prepared to be sent except for one last thing. The stamp. He looks around the desk and inside it's drawers. But no stamp.
LUKE: Where are the stamps?
He starts looking around the entire attic for the stamps. But nothing.
Down at the front door, somebody is knocking on the door. Jamie opens the door and we find that the visitor is Mitch, who's impersonator a cop. Jamie snickers at the thought that this short guy is a cop. What criminal would run from this guy when they could just jump him?
JAMIE: (trying to be seductive) What can I do for you, Officer?
MITCH: I need to speak to the head of the house.
JAMIE: Someone will be with you in a moment.
MITCH: Ok.
As Jamie walks upstairs, definitely not going to get her parents like a bitch, Mitch lets himself in.
Luke comes downstairs. He sees the "policeman" and approaches him.
LUKE: Do you have a stamp?
MITCH: No, sonny, I don't. Do you know where your parents are?
LUKE: No, sir, I don't.
Luke just walks away before Mitch can say anything.
MITCH: But…
Mitch is ignored.
Luke goes to the rec room and finds his Grandpa Red with Emily and Addison. Red is trying to set up the VCR to the TV. Red is having a hard time understanding the 1995 technology that is new to him.
LUKE: Grandpa, do you have a stamp?
RED: (frustrated) No! Luke, come help me. I can't get this VCR together.
Luke takes over and connects the VCR to the TV like it was nothing. It makes Red look stupid considering how easy it was for Luke.
LUKE: That was easy, Grandpa.
RED: Yeah. Uh…thanks.
Red puts on a movie and sits down with his two youngest grandchildren. Luke was going to say more but he's suddenly distracted by the movie his Grandpa is watching. It's an old black and white 20s-40s gangster movie. There's a lot of shooting involved.
Red finally notices that Luke is watching.
RED: Hit the road, Jack.
LUKE: (doesn't understand the joke) My name is Luke.
RED: Go away, Luke. You're not allowed to watch this movie.
LUKE: Why not?
RED: Because it's Rated R.
Luke checks the movie cover. It's NOT RATED.
LUKE: It's not rated.
RED: Doesn't matter. It's got violence in it. Your mom doesn't want you watching this crap.
LUKE: But why is Emily and Addison watching it then?
RED: Because they're watching this under my supervision. Now run along.
LUKE: But Grandpa…
EMILY: Quiet, Luke. This is the best part.
The younger two watch what is meant to be the most violent and most disturbing part of the movie.
Luke pouts.
LUKE: Fine. I'll just go ask Mom about it.
Luke runs off.
Mitch continues waiting on for someone to finally talk to him. That's when the entire Foyer-first floor gets wild. Everyone is walking all over the place. Mitch tries his damnedest to get someone's attention but they all act like he's not even there.
The phone can be heard ringing.
KELSO: Answer the phone!
Laurie looks down from the stair railing.
LAURIE: Where's my suitcase?
KITTY: It's downstairs!
Jamie comes running downstairs all pissed.
JAMIE: Who stole my hairdryer?!
Mitch continues to get ignored even as he shouts at each person who passes him.
MITCH: Miss! Young lady! Excuse me. Girls!
Addison runs by with a toy lightsaber. Mitch tries to get her attention.
MITCH: Hey! Hey!
Addison completely ignores him as she confronts her Uncle Eric on the stairs, who is also wielding a toy lightsaber. They challenge each other to a fight on the stairs. Neither wins as they go the opposite direction. (Addison goes up the stairs and Eric runs off downstairs).
Kitty is within reach of Mitch. But she, too, is ignoring him. She's carrying pillows as she shouts to someone up the stairs.
MITCH: Excuse me, Ma'am. Excuse me.
KITTY: Help me make the beds in the living room. Come on down here!
She completely ignores Mitch and walks away. Austin comes by.
MITCH: (to Austin) Hey, son. Son!
Austin walks off without acknowledging him. Mitch sees Caleb come running by.
MITCH: Hey, big fella!
Addison runs by one more time.
MITCH: Hey, little girl. Little girl!
Addison passes him without acknowledging him again. Mitch is completely alone. Ignored. He's frustrated.
In the Master bedroom, Laurie is on the phone.
LAURIE: My brother and his family is here. Oh, it's just crazy.
LAURIE'S FRIEND: Trish is going to Montreal.
LAURIE: Oh, her family's there.
LAURIE'S FRIEND: Then we're off.
LAURIE: When do you leave?
LAURIE'S FRIEND: Oh, tomorrow.
LAURIE: You're not ready, are you? (Luke enters)
LUKE: Mom, Grandpa Red won't let me watch the movie, but the big kids can. Why can't I?
LAURIE: Luke, I'm on the phone. (Back on the phone) When do you come back? Not 'til then?
LUKE: It's not even rated R. He's just being a dumbass, and he let Emily & Addison watch it with him.
LAURIE: Luke, if Grandpa Red says no, then it must be really bad. No, we put the cars in the- (Luke gets on the bed and starts reading a magazine) Hey hey hey, get off! Luke, out of the room.
LUKE: Hang up the phone and make me, why don't ya?
LAURIE: This kid. (Kelso enters)
KELSO: Laurie, did you pick up a voltage adaptor thing?
LAURIE: No, I didn't have time to do that.
KELSO: Aww crap! Then how do I shave in France?
LAURIE: Grow a goatee.
LUKE: Dad, nobody'll let me do anything.
KELSO: You don't have anything to do? I have something for you to do. You can pick up those MicroMachines that are all over in there. Grandma Kitty stepped on one of them and almost broke her neck.
LAURIE: He was in the garage again playing with the glue gun.
KELSO: Didn't we talk about that?
LUKE: Did I burn down the joint? I don't think so. I was making ornaments out of fish hooks.
KELSO: My new fish hooks?
LUKE: I can't make them out of old ones, with dry worm guts stuck on them.
LAURIE: Michael...?
KELSO: Come on, Luke. Out. (Kelso picks up Luke; enter Kitty)
KITTY: Kelso, Laurie do you guys have a voltage adaptor?
KELSO: Here! Here's a voltage adapter! (He gives Luke to Kitty)
KITTY: Oh God, you're getting heavy! (Drops Luke) Go pack your suitcase.
LUKE: (Stares at his grandmother in horror) Pack my suitcase?
(CUT TO LEIA AND LORENZO DOWNSTAIRS)
LEIA: Do you know where the shampoo is, Lorenzo?
LORENZO: I don't live here.
LEIA: I don't believe. in a house with this many people, there's no shampoo.
MITCH: Are your folks home?
LEILA: Yeah, but they don't live here. (Walks up the stairs while Becky walks down; Exit Leia) Becky, did you order the pizza?
BECKY: Dad did.
MITCH: Excuse me, Miss? Are your parents home?
BECKY: My parents live in the other side of town, sorry. (Exit Becky, enter Brooke)
MITCH: Hi!
BROOKE: Hi!
MITCH: Are your parents home?
BROOKE: Yeah.
MITCH: Do they live here?
BROOKE: No. (Exit Brooke)
MITCH: No. Why should they? All kids, no parents. Probably a fancy orphanage.
(CUT TO CALEB AND LUKE UPSTAIRS)
LUKE: I don't know how to pack a suitcase. I've never done this once in my whole life.
CALEB: Tough.
LUKE: That's what Jamie said. (Enter Jamie)
JAMIE: What did I say?
CALEB: You told Luke "Tough."
JAMIE: The dope was whining about a suitcase. What was I supposed to say? "Congratulations, you're a dumbass"
LUKE: I'm not a dumbass!
JAMIE: Oh, really? You're completely helpless! Everyone has to do everything for you.
CALEB: She's right, Lu.
LUKE: Excuse me, puke-breath. I'm a lot smaller than you. I don't know how to pack a suitcase. (Enter Becky)
BECKY: I hope you didn't just pack crap, Caleb.
CALEB: Shut up, Becky.
LUKE: Do you know what I should pack? (Enter Brianna)
KYLE: My dad told you, cheek-face. Toilet paper and water. (Exit Kyle)
BRIANNA: Listen, Luke, what are you so worried about? You know your Mom's gonna pack your stuff, anyway; I know my sister. You're what the French call "les incompetents"
LUKE: What?
(CUT TO GIANNI AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS)
GIANNI: Bombs away! (Gianni throws bag that lands right at Mitch's feet.)
(CUT TO BRIANNA AND LUKE)
BRIANNA: P.S.: You have to sleep on the hide-a-bed with LORENZO. If he has something to drink, he's going to wet the bed. (Exit Brianna)
LUKE: This house is so full of people. It makes me sick! When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone! Did you hear me? I'm living alone! I'm living alone!
(CUT TO CALEB'S ROOM)
AUSTIN: Who's gonna feed your spider while we're gone?
CALEB: He just ate a load of mice guts. He should be good for a couple of weeks. Is it true French babes don't shave their pits?
AUSTIN: Some don't.
CALEB: But they got nude beaches.
AUSTIN: Not in the winter. (Enter Luke)
LUKE: Caleb?
CALEB: Don't you know how to knock, phlegm-wad?
LUKE: Can I sleep in your room? I don't want to sleep in the hide-a-bed with Lorenzo. If he has something to drink, he'll wet the bed.
CALEB: I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass. (Caleb looks out the window) Check it out; Old man White. (Austin, Luke, and Caleb watch Old Man White outside Caleb's window)
AUSTIN: Who's he?
CALEB: You ever heard of the Point Place Shovel Slayer?
AUSTIN: No.
CALEB: That's him. Back in '58, he murdered his whole family and half the people on his block... with a snow shovel. Been hiding out in this neighborhood ever since.
AUSTIN: If he's the shovel slayer, how come the cops don't arrest him?
CALEB: Not enough evidence to convict. They never found the bodies. But everyone around here knows he did it. It'll just be a matter of time, before he does it again.
AUSTIN: What's he doing now?
CALEB: He walks up and down the street every night, salting the sidewalks.
AUSTIN: Maybe he's just trying to be nice.
CALEB: No way. You see that garbage can full of salt? That's where he keeps his victims.
AUSTIN: Wow.
LUKE: Mummies! (Old Man White looks up)
CALEB: Look out! (Caleb closes the drapes)
(CUT TO PIZZA BOY DRIVING TO KELSO HOUSE; HITS STATUE; PIZZA BOY PICKS IT UP)
(CUT TO KELSO HOUSE: MITCH, LEIA, AND LORENZO)
MITCH: How you kids doing, huh? Good? Lot of action around here today, huh? Going on vacation? Where you going? You hear me, or what? Going on a trip? Where you going, kid?
PIZZA BOY: Okay, that's $122.50.
MITCH: Not from me, kid. I don't live here.
PIZZA BOY: Oh, you just around for the holidays?
MITCH: I guess you could say that.
ERIC: Hey, pizza's here!
PIZZA BOY: There you go. That's $122.50.
ERIC: It's my sister's house. She'll take care of it. (All kids go into the kitchen)
MITCH: Hey, listen... (Enter Kelso)
KELSO: Hey.
MITCH: Hi. Are you Mr. Kelso?
KELSO: Yeah.
MITCH: The Mr. Kelso who lives here?
KELSO: Yes.
PIZZA BOY: Good, because somebody owes me $122.50.
MITCH: I'd like a word with you, sir.
KELSO: Am I under arrest or something?
MITCH: No, no, no, no. It's Christmas time. There's always a lot of burglaries around the holidays. So we're just checking the neighborhood to see if everyone's taking the proper precautions; that's all.
KELSO: Oh, yeah. Well we have automatic timers for our lights, locks for our doors. That's about as well as anybody can do these days, right? Did you get some eggnog or something like that? (Enter Caleb)
CALEB: Come on, Dad. Let's eat. (Exit Caleb and Kelso)
MITCH: Eggnog? (Enter Luke) Listen, are you going to be leaving...?
LUKE: Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!
(CUT TO KITCHEN)
MIDGE: Grab yourself a napkin, and you're going to have to pour your own drinks.
ADDISON: Mom, does Santa Claus have to go through customs?
LORENZO: What time do we have to go to bed?
ERIC: Early. We're leaving the house at 8 a.m. On the button.
LAURIE: I hope you're all drinking milk. I want to get rid of it.
KELSO: Honey, the pizza boy needs $122.50, plus tip.
LAURIE: For pizza?
KELSO: 10 pizzas times 12 bucks.
JACKIE: Steven, you've got money! Come on...
HYDE: Traveler's checks.
LAURIE: Forget it, Hyde. We have cash.
KELSO: You probably got the checks that don't work in France.
LUKE: Did anyone order me a plain cheese?
CALEB: Oh, yeah, we did. But if you want any, somebody's gonna have to barf it up, because it's gone.
KITTY: Emily! Go easy on the Pepsi.
CALEB: Lu! Lu, get a plate. (Caleb chokes on the cheese; Luke pushes him into the table and Caleb barfs)
KELSO: Passports! (Kelso spills Pepsi as Caleb puts Luke in a headlock)
RED: Watch it! (Red's chair is pulled out and hits Addison; people start to clean up kitchen table quickly)
KELSO: No, no. Get these passports out of here. (Kelso throws away a bunch of napkins, along with Luke's airline ticket; Kitty picks Addison up)
KITTY: Are you okay, honey? Come here. Are you all right? (Laurie grabs Luke's hand)
LAURIE: Look, stop stop! What the hell is wrong with you?
LUKE: Caleb started it! He ate my pizza on purpose. He knows I hate sausage and olives...
RED: Look what you did, you little jerk!
LAURIE: Luke, get upstairs right now.
LUKE: Why?
ERIC: Luke, you're such a disease. (Donna slapped his arm dissaprovingly)
LUKE: Shut up, Uncle Eric!
KELSO: Luke, upstairs!
LAURIE: Say good night, Luke.
LUKE: "Good night, Luke." (Exit Laurie & Luke, and Laurie takes Luke out of the room by his arm. The family is heard mumbling)
(CUT TO DOWNSTAIRS WHERE LUKE AND LAURIE MEET PIZZA BOY)
LUKE: Why do I always get treated like scum?
LAURIE: Oh, I'm sorry. This house is just crazy. We've got all these extra kids running around and my family drove in from the other side of town yesterday. It's just nuts. (hands Pizza Boy money)
LUKE: How come you didn't bring more cheese pizzas?
PIZZA BOY: Nice tip. Thanks a lot. (Exit Pizza Boy, enter Mitch)
LAURIE: Thanks.
MITCH: Having a reunion or something?
LAURIE: Oh no. My brother's wife won tickets to Paris. (Mitch smiles at Luke, showing his gold tooth) We are going to Paris for the holidays, so we can sight see around Paris.
MITCH: You're taking a trip to Paris?
LAURIE: Yes. We hope to leave tomorrow morning.
MITCH: Excellent. Excellent.
LAURIE: If you'll excuse me, this one's a little out of sorts. I'll be right back. (Laurie and Luke go upstairs)
MITCH: Don't worry about me. I spoke to your husband already. And don't worry about your home. It's in good hands. (Exit Mitch)
(CUT TO UPSTAIRS)
LAURIE: There are 24 people in this house and you're the only one who has to make trouble.
LUKE: I'm the only one getting dumped on.
LAURIE: You're the only one acting up. Now get upstairs!
LUKE: I am upstairs, bitch! (Laurie opens the door to the third floor) The third floor?
LAURIE: Go.
LUKE: It's scary up there.
LAURIE: Don't be silly. Lorenzo will be up in a little while.
LUKE: I don't want to sleep with Lorenzo. You know about him: he wets the bed. He'll pee all over me. I know it.
LAURIE: [Disgusted] Fine, we'll put him somewhere else.
LUKE: I'm sorry.
LAURIE: It's too late. Get upstairs. (Luke walks up stairs and stops)
LUKE: Everyone in this family hates me.
LAURIE: Then maybe you should ask Santa for a new family.
LUKE: I don't want a new family. I don't want any family. Families suck!
LAURIE: Just stay up there! I don't want to see you again for the rest of the night.
LUKE: I don't want to see you again for the rest of my whole life. And I don't want to see anybody else either.
LAURIE: [Softly] I hope you don't mean that. You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn't have a family.
LUKE: No, I wouldn't.
LAURIE: Then say it again. Maybe it'll happen.
LUKE: I hope I never see any of you dumbasses again. (Luke walks upstairs, Laurie closes the door)
(CUT TO THE THIRD FLOOR)
LUKE (VOICE IN HEAD): I wish they would all just disappear.
(CUT TO OUTSIDE WHERE THE BRANCH FALLS ON A TELEPHONE WIRE; THERE IS NO MORE ELECTRICITY IN THE HOUSE AND THE ALARM CLOCK DOESN'T GO OFF)
(CUT TO FRONT OF KELSO HOUSE; VAN DRIVER KNOCKS ON THE DOOR WHILE ANOTHER VAN DRIVER PICKS UP THE STATUE)
VAN DRIVER #1: Where are they?
VAN DRIVER #2: I don't know. She said 8 sharp.
(CUT TO KELSO AND LAURIE'S BEDROOM)
LAURIE: MICHAEL! (They both get out of bed quickly)
KELSO & LAURIE: We slept in! (Everyone gets up and starts getting ready and loading up the van; Paul walks up to the vans)
PAUL: Hi, I'm Paul Kania. I live across the street. You guys going out of town? We're going to Warshaw, Poland. Well, first we're going to New York to pick up my brother from college. You know the Kelsos are going to France? Do you know if it's cold there? Do these vans get good mileage?
VAN DRIVER: Gee, kid, I don't know. Hit the road!
(CUT TO KELSO HOUSE)
LAURIE: Jamie, do a head count. Make sure everyone's in the vans. Where are the passports and tickets?
KELSO: I put them in the microwave to dry off.
(CUT TO THE VAN)
PAUL: How fast does this thing go? Does it have automatic transmission? Does it have 4-wheel drive?
VAN DRIVER: Look, I told you before, kid: don't bother me. Now, fuck off! (Paul stays in the back of the van; All the kids go outside)
JAMIE: Line up in front of the van. Come on guys, line up and shut up! (Paul opens up Midge's bag, then opens up Donna's bag)
PAUL: Wow!
JAMIE: Shut up! I need a head count. 1-2-3-4...
CALEB: [rudely interrupting] 11, 92, 12...
JAMIE: [Pissed off] Caleb, don't be a dumbass. 6-7-8-9-10-14. Okay, half in this van, half in this van. Let's go. (Paul gets out of the van while the kids get in)
PAUL: Have a good trip. Bring me back something French. (Exit Paul; enter The adults)
RED: There's no way we'll make this plane. It leaves in 45 minutes!
BOB: Think positive, Red!
RED: You be positive, Bob. I'll be realistic. (Adults get in the van)
ELECTRICAL WORKER: Ma'am. Excuse me. I just wanted to let you know that your power is fixed, but the phone lines are a mess. It's going to take around a couple of days to patch them up, especially around the holidays.
LAURIE: Okay, thanks. (Laurie closes the van as her wedding ring glistens in the light of the sun) Jamie, did you count heads?
JAMIE: 24, including me. 7 boys, 7 girls, 8 parents, 2 drivers... and a partridge in a pear tree.
(CUT: VANS DRIVE OFF, EVERYBODY RUSH TO THE TERMINAL)
KELSO: Hold the plane!
LAURIE: Did we miss the flight?
AIRPORT GATE AGENT: No, you just made it. (The Kelsos, Formans, Gang, and Pinciottis cheer) Single seats only in coach. Take whatever's free.
(CUT TO THE AIRPLANE)
KELSO: Kids are in coach, we're first class.
LAURIE: Seats 4-A and B.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: 4-A and B. I'll take your coats. Fasten your seat belts, please.
HYDE: Champagne, please. It's free, isn't it?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Oh, yes.
KELSO: We made it.
LAURIE: Do you believe it? I hope we didn't forget anything.
TBC! Please R&R!