A/N: This chapter may be triggering for those with depression or other disorders associated to depression. If you aren't in a good place don't read this and if you're really not doing well call 1-800-273-8255 (National Suicide Prevention Hotline). It's a battle, keep fighting.
And just to be clear, depression after grief is different from clinical depression in general. There are many different ways that people claim help with their depression but what works for some might not work for others, if you need help reach out. It's the only real way to find out what works for you.
Enjoy.
Chapter IV: Depression
June 21, 2009
I'm back in the car. His car, which now sits in the junkyard outside of town.
"Hey, Max." William says, from the front seat.
"Hey, William." I say, unenthused.
"What's wrong, kiddo?" He asks.
I stay silent, looking out the window. What's the point of talking to him? It's not like this is real.
"It's only as real as you make it." He says.
Great, so he can read my thoughts in these dreams.
"I'll let you in on a little secret, Max." William starts. "You only keep having these dreams because you still need my help. It's how you're processing this."
"I don't feel like I'm processing anything. I just feel… empty. Totally empty and I don't know how to not feel this way." I say.
"Maybe it's how you should feel. Your body is protecting you. Even if it doesn't feel great." William says.
"I don't know if I like the fact that I'm knowing what I'm feeling or not. I sometimes wish I knew how Chloe was really feeling, not knowing all these this stuff about the phases of grief. It feels like I'm never going to get better and neither will Chloe. And that makes me hopeless." I say.
"No matter how bad things are right now. No matter how stuck you feel. No matter how many days you've spent crying and wishing things were different. I promise that you won't feel this way forever. Keep going, Max." William says.
I drop my face into my hands and start crying before I hear the familiar horn to end the dream.
I wake up gently for once, one good thing about how I'm feeling right now. I sit up in bed and rub my eyes for a second before looking down at Chloe.
She's laying down, with her eyes open and staring at the ceiling.
"Hey." I say.
"Hey." She says, not changing her gaze.
I continue to look at Chloe, thinking. She looks as broken and empty as I feel right now.
Pushing myself out of the bed, I go out of the room and into the bathroom. I walk over to the sink and splash some water in my face, rubbing my face vigorously. I'm feeling so tired without wanting to sleep. I dry my face off and leave the bathroom, heading back into Chloe's room.
I walk over to the bed and stop before walking around to her side. She looks at me, confused.
"Come on." I say, holding a hand out.
Chloe just looks at my hand for a second before pushing herself onto her elbows and getting a better look at me. I imagine my face is like looking at someone about to take their mug shot. She takes my hand and I help her out of bed. I lace my fingers through hers as I lead her out of the room and down the stairs. We both continue in silence as I lead us outside and over to the swing set. I gently push her into one of the seats and walk around her, before I start pushing.
I'm not entirely sure what I was thinking when I decided this was a good idea. It's 3 in the morning and I'm out here pushing my best friend on the swing set. Why would I think this is a good idea? I don't fucking know. I don't know why I needed to get out of bed when all I want is to not move. I guess maybe deep down I'm hoping that if I do something that it'll make me feel less empty.
I don't know how long I was lost in thought for, pushing Chloe, before she dragged her feet on the ground, stopping her swinging motion and stands from the swing, turning around to look at me.
"Max. What's wrong? Why did you bring me out here?" Chloe asks, not really angry but if anything maybe a little worried sounding.
"I couldn't stay in the room. I wanted you with me." I say.
"Why didn't you want to be in my room?" Chloe asks, raising an eyebrow at me.
"I was worried if I stayed in there I would not move again." I say. "Something inside me just… broke… that's the only way I can describe it."
Chloe looks at me intently. I think I see compassion and understanding in her eyes. My mind feels foggy though so I feel like I can't trust myself in this state.
"This day will never feel the same." I say.
"Max. Shit. I'm not good with words but I've had days like the one I think you're having. And it just felt like everyone was moving on with their lives, while I was stuck in a hole that I couldn't get out of. You helped me on those days. You won't feel this way forever. Keep going, Max." Chloe says.
I look at her with wide eyes. William. My chest tightens and my breath catches in my throat. I feel a wash of feelings I hadn't felt in days rushing over me. Tears fall down my cheeks and I collapse to my knees on the ground, my hands cradling my face before I fall over and into a fetal position. I pull my knees into my chest. I feel Chloe's presence above me, soothingly rubbing my arm.
"Max?" Chloe says, looking worried.
"He lives in you." I say, before my body is racked by sobs.
She looks at me confused for a moment, but realization dawns her face. She gives me a gentle smile.
"Come on Maxie." Chloe says, grabbing an arm and wrapping it around her neck, slipping her arm under my knees.
I continue to cry, more quietly, into her neck now as she carries me with ease into the house and up the stairs back into her room. She gently kicks the door closed and lays me in the bed. I curl back into my fetal position, not entirely happy being back in the bed. I try to regulate my breathing but am kind of failing at it, my breathes sounding rapid and chopped on the inhale and exhale. I feel a warmth behind me, meaning Chloe got back in the bed, but then the mattress shifts and she snakes her arms around me. One she slips under my neck and almost holds me a like a head lock, which sounds uncomfortable, but is actually so relaxing; the arm is thrown over my hip but she uses it to pull us closer together.
"I've got you, Maximum Effort." Chloe says, to which I wheeze out a couple of chuckles.
—
"Hey, Max? You awake?" I hear before blinking a few times and looking around.
I groan before stretching, realizing that we had shifted so that I was laying on Chloe's chest. I blush a little before pulling away.
"Well I guess you are now. Sorry about that." Chloe says, smiling.
Looking at the window I see the sun is out. Like fully out. What time is it? I turn to look at the clock. 9:43AM.
"Whoa." I say.
"Yeah. Haven't slept that good in a while, am I right?" Chloe says.
"You can say that again." I say. "Did you wake up from another nightmare?"
"Not after the initial one at around two." Chloe says, getting out of bed.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel happy that Chloe seems good. But I just feel like I wept out all my feelings this morning and I feel so empty, just like before. How can this feeling of emptiness weigh me down so much? William said my body is protecting itself. I don't understand how feeling this way is a protection.
"Max?" Chloe says, quietly looking at me with a solemn expression.
My breathing starts to lose its rhythm, slowly becoming uneven. I feel on the verge of tears but unable to cry anymore. I pull my legs into my chest. Chloe rushes over and sits on the bed, putting an arm around my shoulder.
"I don't understand what's wrong with me." I say, quietly.
"Max. There's nothing wrong with you…" Chloe says, adamantly. "Can I tell you something?"
I give a quick side glance before nodding my head.
"Do you remember a couple weeks ago when we were out at the lighthouse? You asked me what was wrong and I told you that I just didn't sleep well." Chloe asks. I nod again briefly while focusing on her face. "You could tell something was wrong because of the way I was screaming. You pushed me through it but I think I was feeling how you're feeling now. I hoped that by ignoring it that the feelings might just disappear. But it didn't help."
I look at Chloe closely waiting for her to continue.
"The next morning we woke up and discussed our nightmares. And something you said, or I guess what my dad told you, finally did help." Chloe pauses here. "Just because you think you're worthless doesn't make it true."
I do remember that morning. I remember feeling so confused with the direction that my talk with William was going in that dream. I didn't understand what it was but I guess my subconscious helped me by helping Chloe, even when I didn't realize it would help her. I feel bad for not being able to get Chloe to tell me what was wrong. I knew something was up but didn't know how to approach it. Perhaps, because I hadn't felt it yet before.
"So, do you want to hear what William said in my dream last night?" Chloe asks, perhaps getting a little uncomfortable under my gaze.
I think for a few seconds before nodding.
"Sometimes even to live is an act of courage." Chloe says.
A silence sits between us as we both just look into each other's eyes. Then a small smile tugs on my lips. I twist and lunge toward Chloe, wrapping my arms tightly around her. She stiffens in my hold before returning my hug firmly and I laugh softly.
"Thank you." I say, still holding onto her for dear life.
"Thank my dad. I'm just the messenger." Chloe says, chuckling.
"No." I say, pulling out of our embrace. "You are Chloe fucking Price. And you are the best person I know. William lives within you." I reach forward and place a hand against her chest. "You just have to know how to ask for his help."
Chloe's cheeks blush and she looks down embarrassed.
"Geez, I thought I was supposed to be making you feel better." Chloe says, chuckling and rubbing her neck nervously.
I look down at my hand, realizing where it's at and pulling it back, my own cheeks flushing in the process.
"You know exactly what I need to hear and when I feel better I just want you to feel better." I say.
"Thanks, Maximus. I'm glad I could help." Chloe says. "I know you're probably not a hundred percent out of your funk but I'll do what I can to help until you get out of it. My mom is doing a double shift at the dinner so she'll be gone all day." Chloe pauses, looking disappointed. "But I figure you and I could make some breakfast and maybe watch a couple movies. Build a pillow fort. You know whatever."
"Chloe… I'm sure Joyce is just unsure how to cope with this day. She's still hurting, too." I say, gently but also trying to make my point.
"I know. But I can't help feeling like she's ignoring me and dad sometimes. She doesn't ever tell me how she feels. We barely talk anymore and if we do talk, all she does is bitch at me." Chloe sounds frustrated, but I can understand.
Joyce seems to be throwing herself into her work. We haven't seen much of her over the summer. She probably just thinks Chloe and I shouldn't see how hurt she is which is what I tried to do for Chloe in the beginning. But I've realized that isn't how she works.
"I'm sure it'll get better. I bet it's hard going from two incomes to one. I've heard my parents say that after mom lost her job anyways." I say.
"Yeah I guess I hadn't thought about that… thanks for helping me to see the big picture, Maximum Effort." Chloe says, grinning before getting off the bed and heading to the door. "Now onward, to food!"
I laugh at her antics before getting off the bed and following her down to the kitchen.
The rest of the day is like no Father's Day I've had before and I wonder if I'll ever have another one like it.
A/N: This one was difficult to write; I had to stop and come back a couple times and I didn't want to spend too much time in it. Depression isn't something you want to focus on too hard otherwise it feels like it never goes away, at least for me. Anyways, June 21st was Father's Day in 2009 if anyone is wondering. Also I thought about these quotes while trying to get into the mindset to write this.
"I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless and they don't want anyone else to feel like that."
- Robin Williams
"No matter how bad things are right now. No matter how stuck you feel. No matter how many days you've spent crying and wishing things were different. No matter how hopeless and depressed you feel. I promise you that you won't feel this way forever. Keep going."
Helen Wilson"It feels like everyone else is moving on with their lives while I am stuck here, in this hole that I can't climb out of."
- Unknown