I shiver although the heat kicks in. I don't know why I've been this way, but my body acts weird in different temperatures. In the mornings, I'm so used to taking hot showers but for some reason, as if my body is posessed, I make it cold. I shiver in the heat. I can't eat anything warm. Not to mention I can't stop thinking of her. Who I loved before I met Rinoa. The reason my first relationship failed and why I chose to be alone. I didn't understand then, but I couldn't think of anybody but her. I felt guilty being in another relationship, and I didn't want to punish anyone else. Or myself.

But what I didn't think was that I was punishing her. By trying to erase her from my memories, but what I wasn't counting on was not getting her out of my mind. Lately she's all I can think about and I know I shouldn't. I want to make Rinoa happy. She saved me. But the more I think about it, the worse I feel. If it weren't for Shiva, I wouldn't have shut everybody out in the first place. Sure, when I was a kid I was shy. And I was socially awkward. But there was something about Shiva that made me not care. If it weren't for the timing of it all, I'd be a completely different person right now.

But now that I'm in this predicament I don't know what to do. Maybe I could make a decision if I could understand the situation in the first place. Why did Rinoa leave without saying anything? Have I hurt her? Does she still want to be with me? Or does she want to leave me? Is she trying to get back at me by leaving her ring here? What could she be doing right now?

If Rinoa wanted to leave me, it would be one thing. It would also be easier for me to do what I want, but right now she's the most important person in my life and I owe her everything. Even if she hates me, I'll do all I can to make her happy.

But then again, she wouldn't have saved me if it weren't for my past. How I ended it with Quistis years ago. Nobody even knows about that. I thought Zell might, but he seems to have grown apart from us since then. Only within the past couple years did we become close again. He probably forgot because of the GFs. I wonder if Quistis remembers... I don't even know why I remember. You'd think that if the reason I'm so unhappy now is because I belong with Shiva, that I wouldn't remember being with other people the way I've been with her.

Or maybe I'm supposed to remember. Maybe... how would I know how much Shiva means to me, and how much I want and need her, if I couldn't see the alternative? I'm not happy with someone, and I can't stand to be alone. Even though I've been this way almost my entire life. I just don't like people.

But Shiva isn't a person. Maybe that's what makes her different. It doesn't make much sense to say, because it isn't like that's what I was thinking when we were together. Maybe it's because I don't remember when the last time I unjunctioned her was. She's always been in my head. Literally. Not many people know me better than she does. Sure, Rinoa knows a lot about me, and so does Quistis... but Shiva doesn't flaunt her knowledge. That's what separates her from them. I just know she understands and I don't think she's annoying.

Squall, when will you stop beating yourself up over me? We may not have what you have with Rinoa. Or what she wants. But as long as I'm with you, I'm happy. Please don't unjunction me.

So she wants me to be happy. And I can only be happy if I'm with her. But I owe my life to Rinoa. I make her happy. I can't just stop.

I change my mind as I hear the keys jingling in the door.

"Oh, Seifer stop," I hear her giggle in his arms just before turning the door knob.