Morty and Eusine were inside Morty's gym, battling on Wi-Fi against each other with their DSes at a game of Pokemon. Eusine could not believe what the hell was happening at this very moment. Earlier, Eusine traded Morty a bunch of Bidoofs, and now Morty was destroying his team of Drifloons with his last Bidoof. None of his other Bidoofs besides his last one, which was named Doofus, had been taught Thunderbolt.
Eusine lost his cool when Morty suddenly turned off his DS in mid-battle. He threw his DS to the floor, shouting, "YOU DICK."
Morty was cracking up the whole time about this. After Eusine made a scene for five minutes, they found themselves doing nothing again. They were bored, which was kind-of sad because the other day Eusine mentioned that he wanted to embark on his journey to search for Suicune again. He has spent too long dicking around with Morty. Tonight was their last night, and they had nothing to do.
"Wouldn't it be awesome if Pokemon were real?" Morty mused out loud.
"Morty, you son of a bitch, they're real."
"Oh," Morty said. "That's right. Hey, Eusine, wanna go preorder Pokemon Black and White?"
Due to lack of any better ideas, they commenced their journey to Gamestop that night. They also took some LSD before they left. Thirty minutes later, they were at the Ruins of Alph feeling wonky. They vaguely knew where they were, but when they were in the mysterious hall, they began to freak out when Unowns were popping out from all over the place. To them they didn't look like Unowns, though. They decided demonic demons were attacking them.
They didn't know how to handle this. They were both horrified and apathetic about this, but regardless, they didn't enjoy the fact this was happening. For ten minutes, they tried getting out of the building they were in, but even as they got out, they found out that the demons were still after them.
"Dude, Eusine…" Morty uttered, trying to catch his breath. "There's nobody around." This wasn't actually unusual since most people don't usually dwell at the Ruins of Alph, especially at this time of the day.
Yet Eusine was in awe. "There isn't." The two of them looked at each other in alarm. "Doesn't that mean that… everyone is…"
"DEAD," they shouted in unison.
Morty wrapped an arm around Eusine's neck and pulled him closer to him. "THEY'RE ALL DEAD."
Eusine pulled at Morty's scarf, which felt like a fluffy kitty. "EVERYONE'S DEAD."
They looked behind them and saw the Unowns after them. Those sons of bitches did this. They knew it, and it was them against those. They had to save the world no matter what the cost.
They ran to the Pokemart, thinking it was best to change their attire. They both bought suits and fedoras, using all the pennies they had mustered. If they were going to be super heroes, they had to at least look fashionably prepared.
While they were shopping for these, not too far away from the Pokemart was Falkner. He had recently acquired a Poketch from eBay so that he could start chaining for a shiny Hoothoot. He thought that since he sucked at being a gym leader, he might as well gather sparkly Pokemon. Bitches would be too stunned to attack a shiny Pokemon was what he thought. Hell, if that didn't work, he could always release all that he had and start his life all over again living as a bird. He always wanted to be a bird.
When Falkner made it to his forty-first bush, he has done it. Out from the bushes emerged a shiny Hoothoot. Falkner fell to his knees out of shock as he saw the pee-colored owl. It was so beautiful. He couldn't believe he actually succeeded something once in his life.
Before he was able to begin battling it, Morty and Eusine were heading his way before they halted and saw Falkner as a zombie. They haven't thought ahead as to what they should do if they encountered a zombie.
"Morty, tell me," Eusine muttered to Morty. "What should we do?"
"Why are you asking me?" he replied.
"I thought you were an expert on this shit."
Morty stared at Eusine. He was pondering about this until he came to a resolution. "Eusine, dammit, I don't study zombies."
"YOU ARE USELESS," was Eusine's immediate conclusion.
The only idea they had was to tackle the zombie, which was exactly what they did. Morty also held Falkner from behind as he let Eusine punch him repeatedly in the stomach. Falkner had no idea what the fuck was going on, but he watched in horror as the Hoothoot was about to make a fly for it. He kicked Eusine in the balls and limped towards the bird.
Hoothoot hopped off the ground, off Falkner's head, and twirled in the air. When Eusine got up from off the ground after rubbing his delicate groin, he looked up, and the last thing he saw was the bird's ass liberating a fresh turd, "pewing" to his face. The headshot made him fall back to the ground. The Hoothoot got away.
"NOOOOO!" Falkner shouted, slamming a fist to the ground. Anger was flowing through him to the point he couldn't feel the physical pain he had received. He got up and stomped over to Morty, grabbing him by the tie and pulling him down since he was much shorter than Morty. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU JUST DID?" Before Morty responded, Falkner just kept continuing. "I WAS LOOKING FOR THAT HOOTHOOT FOR AN HOUR, AND WHEN I FINALLY FOUND IT, YOU TWO DUMBASSES JUST HAD TO SHOW UP, HUH? HUH?"
Morty started giggling under Falkner's grasp. He just said, "Bird is the word."
As this happened, Eusine became conscious again. He had to register what just happened. When he remembered the daunting ass of the Hoothoot, it, along with the time when a Pidgey pooped him on when he was young, wouldn't stop playing in his head as if they were nightmares. He was easily traumatized about these things. The scenes that were flashing within his head made him go crazy. He started screaming, stopping Falkner from punching Morty in the face, and then he ran at Morty, tackling him to the ground.
Mind you, though, Eusine didn't do anything. He just lied on top of the other, bawling his eyes out as the other was trying to comfort the big, gay baby. Falkner just stood there, watching them. He had no idea what the hell was going on. He just thought of them as retards, which had him feeling suddenly better about himself. Falkner turned around and decided that he might as well go and chain again, but when he peered at his Poketch, he noticed that somehow throughout this whole craziness the screen has gotten cracked.
Falkner died on the inside. In fact, he has decided then and there to give up on his current lifestyle. He completely stripped himself and dashed off into the woods with his arms flapping as he shouted, "COO COO!"
Morty and Eusine heeded no attention to the fleeing Falkner. Eusine was too busying sobbing and rubbing his bird shit face on Morty's suit until he calmed down. Then they heard something. It sounded like a tune. It sounded as if there was evil lurkin' in the dark.
They got up and the tune got louder until it became audible. Morty and Eusine saw a sight that almost stopped their hearts. All the demonic demons that were after them earlier finally found them. They froze as the horror looked at them right between the eyes. It also turned out "Thriller" by Michael Jackson was exploding throughout the forest, but in reality it was only them hallucinating this.
Morty was able to get back up on his feet, and he quickly pulled Eusine on his before they made a run for it, but that was cut short when they bumped into a person. This person was Pryce. He was around the area (more specifically Violet City) because he heard that the city's Pokemart was selling giant ice cubes for half off. He definitely could not pass that up despite the fact he barely went out. It was like that one time he went to his granddaughter's house so that she could show him a video of her baby's first bitchslap.
"What are you boys doing here?" he questioned, sounding worried. Although it was true that he barely saw the other gym leaders, he felt like it was his duty to watch out for them even though Eusine was just a loser. Whatever that meant. "Why do you two look so out of it?"
"'Cause…" Morty announced, "THIS IS THRILLER NIGHT." As he said this, Eusine had a giant stick he picked up from the ground and bashed one of the Unowns with it. He made a homerun.
Well, Pryce was confused as all hell, but nonetheless, he was the ice gym leader. He chuckled under his breath. "Thriller night, huh…? I'll show you the jaws of the alien this time. Oh, yes. I'm gonna thrill you all tonight."
Morty and Eusine backed away from the old man as he threw his cane and walked up to the Unowns. Then suddenly, he started to dance, and the Unowns were following his every move. Morty and Eusine were actually pretty entertained from this as they watched them do the Thriller dance.
This went on for a good three minutes until Pryce couldn't catch his breath and went, "Screw it." and walked away from this situation, leaving Morty and Eusine being attacked by the Unowns. They had nothing to defend themselves with, so they whited out for a good two hours. They also lost some cash.
"Oh, man," Eusine muttered as he finally woke up. He observed the area around him. Morty was still out beside him. Their unnecessary fancy clothes were a mess, and they somehow lost their fedoras. Eusine also noticed the fact that they were beat up as he touched his face only to feel dry bird crap. There was one thing he could say about all of this, "I am never going to Gamestop while on acid ever again."
Morty woke up soon after and saw Eusine's face. "My god, your face is greasy."
Then they both looked up and detected that they were both right in front of Gamestop. They dusted themselves off, which barely helped any and walked up to the cashier. The cashier thought he saw death for a second there when they entered until he realized he was looking at two stoners. In this case, he didn't give a shit. "May I help you two?"
"Uh, yes," Eusine said. "We would like to preorder Pokemon Black and White, please."
The cashier looked at them as if they were full of shit. "Dude, those games don't exist."
Morty and Eusine looked at each other and went, "What."