To Mai.
It's always difficult to start. It's like that with everything.
I honestly can't remember when I first fell in love with you, but it was the start of a long, difficult, metaphorical path.
And I'm afraid I've never stopped loving you.
When we first started dating, I was so happy. I hadn't felt that happy since before Gene died. And then we spent nights together, and you agreed to move in with me, and I believe the expression is something along the lines of my heart wanted to burst. I'd found someone I loved, and the fact you loved me back made everything worthwhile. I even wanted to cut my working hours, just so I could see you more often, even if you made me watch those awful, boring movies that make no sense and I almost fall asleep about 10 minutes through, but you seem to like so much.
Except… My perfect world was not quite so perfect.
Work caught up on me, and I was suddenly surrounded by paperwork which couldn't be ignored, and I had to sort that mess out. I had stay behind extra hours, and then I finally finished everything.
But you were gone.
All your things were gone. You'd taken everything. It was as though you'd never existed. You even took the necklace, like you never wanted to have existed.
That hurt.
You didn't come to work. You didn't answer my calls. There was no contact.
It was clear. I no longer mattered; I was not wanted in your life.
That hurt too.
Taniyama Mai, the first girl to ever break my heart.
I'm afraid I'm not good with words or emotions. And I hate to be dramatic or over the top.
So I can't write how I felt. Devastated would be a good word, I suppose.
I wish I'd done something. Ignored that last batch of paperwork, finished it the next day. Maybe explained to you why I was coming home so late. But I didn't want you to worry.
I'm going to England. I haven't been for a while, and I hope it'll do me good. It can't hurt more than staying in Japan.
I don't know when I'll come back.
I hope one day I'll forget you and move on. England will help. I'll wipe your face from my dreams, I'll get used to sleeping without you there, I'll destroy those memories of you which hurt. You'll become a past colleague, a past lover. It'll be better for both of us.
From, Oliver.
Please note: I put the ring in the envelope because I don't have the heart to keep it or get rid of it. So I give it to you. Admittedly, I give it to you in conditions which are far from the conditions I would have liked. I'm afraid that the box didn't fit.