The Wonderful Lizard of Laws Chapter 4

Astrid, Stormfly, and the Scarecrow made their way down the Marshmallow-Brick Road together. Trees arched over the road, which sheltered them from the sun, but sometimes made Stormfly duck her head to get under them. They heard no sound except for their own footsteps on the squishy bricks, the breeze in the trees, and an occasional distant songbird. It seemed to be a very peaceful place, which made Astrid nervous.

Then they heard some kind of conflict ahead. "A fight! This, I know how to deal with!" she grinned as she strode toward the bend in the road just ahead of them. They turned the corner and found two familiar-looking people fighting over a single-bladed axe.

"It's mine!"
"It is not!"
"I had it first!"
"No, I did!"
"You used it yesterday, so it's my turn!"
"You used it two days in a row, so it's still my turn!"
"Give it to me!"
"Try and take it!"

Astrid nearly addressed them as Ruffnut and Tuffnut, but realized that they would probably deny their own identities, like everyone else in this strange place. She settled for shouting, "Hey! What's going on here? Who are you?"

The thin young man and woman stopped their argument to look at her, but neither one would let go of the axe. "We're the Twin Woodmen," the Woodgirl said, "and we're supposed to cut trees down, but this idiot won't give me the axe!"

"You're the idiot!" the Woodman countered.
"I know you are, but what am I?"
"You're a troll!"
"I know you are, but what am I?"
"You're a fat pig!"
"I know you are, but what am I?"
"You're a –"

"Guys!" Astrid interrupted. "Can you stop fighting, just for a minute? I need to know if we're on the right road that leads to the Tremor-Old City!"

"We can't stop fighting," the Woodman said sadly.

"We don't know how," his sister added. "No matter what we do, we just can't get along."

"Huh." Astrid looked thoughtful for a moment. "You know, we're going to see the Lizard of Laws. He's supposed to be very smart. Maybe he could help the two of you learn how to get along."

"Really?" the twins chorused. The Woodgirl gazed at her brother appraisingly. "Just think of the things we could do together!" Background music began playing as they took turns singing –

Him: "I would win if there's a war on –"
Her: "And not be such a moron!"
Him: "You're messing up my song!"
Her: "Maybe I'm just assuming you would finally get some grooming if we just could get along."

Her: "We could tell you 'bout this road, oh –"
Him: "Not look like Quasimodo!"
Her: "You had to get it wrong!"
Him: "I would tell guys you're snuggly and I wouldn't call you 'ugly' if we just could get along."

Him: "Picture me, a Viking chief! My subjects all bow low."
Her: "Hallucinating, aren't you, bro? You'll just get beat!"
She snatched the axe and hammered on his helmet twice with the flat of it – Bong! Bong!
Him: "Hey, neat!"

Her: "We'd go raiding on the oceans!"
Him: "And earn the big promotions we've wanted all along."
Her: "You would not be such a dummy,"
Him: "And you wouldn't look so scummy,"
Both: "If we just could get along!"

"Then why don't you go with us?" the Scarecrow asked them. "I'm sure the Lizard of Laws can help you, just like he's going to help me get some common sense."

"That sounds good," the Woodman nodded, "but which one of us gets to carry the axe while we're walking?"

"I do!"
"No, I do!"
"I told you, it's my turn!"
"You're such an idiot!"

Astrid resolved the issue in true Astrid fashion by grabbing the axe herself. "Hey!" the twins protested.

"I know a thing or two about axes," she said smugly. "I promise I'll take good care of it." She touched the edge. "This blade is seriously dull, you know. I could cut down a tree in half the time with my own axe. One of you ought to sharpen this thing."

"It's your turn to sharpen it!"
"I sharpened it last time!"
"You did a crummy job!"
"At least I sharpened it!"

Stormfly had had enough; she gave the twins a sharp snarl that silenced both of them.

"Yeah, like she said," Astrid said approvingly. "If you want to go with us to the Tremor-Old City, you can't be fighting the whole time, or one of us will kill you!"

"I think she wants us to call a truce," the Woodgirl decided.

"Yeah, I guess you're right," the Woodman agreed reluctantly. They spat in their palms and shook hands.

"You're on the right road," the Woodgirl said, "but how far away is this Tremor-Old City?"

"I don't know," Astrid thought out loud, "but I think it's quite a long ways away."

"Is it dangerous?" the Woodman wanted to know.

"Well, there's a Wicked Warlock on my trail," Astrid replied. "Is that dangerous enough for you?"

"We were hoping for some action along the road," the Woodgirl said.

"You might get some," the Scarecrow decided. "Of course, I don't know for sure, because I only know useless stuff about dragons, but I've heard people say that there are Outcasts on this road."

"And Berserkers?" the Woodman asked eagerly.

"And jerks?" the Woodgirl finished.

"Oh, yes, all of those," the Scarecrow nodded. They all began chanting, "Outcasts, Berserkers and jerks, oh my! Outcasts, Berserkers and jerks, oh my!"

Suddenly, a burly Viking warrior with curly horns on his helmet leaped out of the bushes to block their path. He brandished his mace. "Put 'em up, put 'em up!" he demanded. "Who wants to fight me first?"

"Snotlout?" Astrid burst out.

"Don't call me that, pretty girl, if you want to live to see another sunrise," he snarled.

"Okay, then who are you?" she said.

The Woodman nudged his sister. "Well, he's not an Outcast and he's not a Berserker." The Woodgirl snorted.

The warrior glared around at all of them. "I am the Courageous Lord, and I'll fight you all together if you want." He whirled to face Astrid. "Pulling an axe on me, eh?"

"Actually, I've got two axes now," she retorted, "and I'm not afraid to use them!" She dropped the woodsmen's axe and brandished her battle-axe. Stormfly stepped up behind her, sensing a fight, and snarled at the man.

"Well, I'll get you anyway, you big blue lizard!" The warrior flung his mace at the dragon... and missed. Stormfly cackled at him, as did Astrid.

"The sun was in my eyes!" he protested. "I could move the sun, but -" He was interrupted by a close-range blast of Nadder fire, which he dodged with a cry. All his bravado gone, he hid behind the Scarecrow, begging, "Don't let him get me! Don't let him get me!"

"It's a girl dragon, just so you know," Astrid snapped. "And you... you call yourself the Courageous Lord who can move the sun? You're nothing but a big coward! A cowardly liar!"

"No, I'm not," he protested. "I'm brave enough. I'm just incompetent. I start with good battle plans, but I can't follow through on them." He wiped away a tear, then shook his head savagely. "I'm not crying! I've just got the sun in my eyes again."

"Yeah, right," the Woodman muttered.

Astrid shook her head. "I could almost feel sorry for you, except you attacked my dragon. I don't like people who do that."

"I had to!" he burst out. "That's what Vikings do, isn't it?"

"Attack other people's dragons?" Astrid demanded.

"No, get into stupid fights for no reason," he answered. "I'm just trying to be the kind of warrior that my dad can be proud of. But it never works, because I can't finish what I start."

The Scarecrow asked, "Would things really be better if you could finish what you start?"

"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Everything would be better! I could..." Astrid grimaced as the background music began playing again.

"I could throw my mace and hammer
"From now 'til Gotterdammer- ung,
"And hit my targets, too.
"Things would change; I know that'll
"Mean that I could win my battles
"If I just could follow through."

"I could –"

Astrid jumped in front of him. "No, no more singing, that's enough," she interrupted. The music droned down and ended. "Using the same melody as the other two is bad enough, but rhyming 'hammer' with 'Gotterdammerung?' Forget it! You're done!"

"I thought it was pretty good," he nearly whimpered. "Are you saying I've got no hope?"

"As a lyricist, none at all," she said flatly. "You can't follow through on song lyrics any better than you can at fighting."

"Maybe he should come with us," the Scarecrow suggested. "Maybe the Lizard of Laws can help him, too."

"You forget it!" the Cowardly Liar exclaimed, folding his arms firmly. "I am not taking help from a stupid dragon!"

"I hear that he's a very clever dragon, not stupid at all," Astrid said mildly. "Besides, he might be your only hope for changing your future. If you don't go to see him, you'll be nothing but a Snotlout for the rest of your life."

The Liar thought about that. "Well... I'll walk in the same direction you are, but I'm not going with you! And if there's really a smart lizard in this city that you're going to, and if he can help me, then it had nothing to do with you, okay? And stop calling me Snotlout!"

"Fine, whatever," she nodded. "And when you get in trouble and you need help, we never knew you."

The warrior thought about that for a second, then drooped. "Okay, you win, I'll go with you." Then he snapped upright again. "But if we fight a battle and win, then I get all the glory, right?"

"Sure, help yourself," Astrid said absently. "I just want to get back home." The unlikely group set off down the Marshmallow-Brick Road together.