A/N As always, thank you to everyone who is reading, following, reviewing etc - very much appreciated :o)

CHAPTER FOUR

My hand was shaking as I pulled my keys out of my pocket and locked the door. Then Zara took my crutches from me and Emmett picked me up bodily, carried me to the truck and placed me on the seat. I slid across to the middle and the two vampires climbed in either side of me. In seconds we were on the road, Emmett hunched over the wheel as he stood on the gas pedal.

"Tell me about Edward," I said. My heart was racing and I balled my fists in my lap as I waited for one of them to speak. Emmett had said he was dying.

"He's weak, like in Volterra," Emmett answered. "Not quite so bad yet, I don't think, but getting that way. We broke the door down and Carlisle tried force-feeding him with a tube when he refused to take a cup, but he pulled it out."

"Oh, God," I groaned. "How long before...?"

"Jacob..." Zara grasped my hand and squeezed it.

"Tell me," I insisted.

"Carlisle says he'll probably go into a coma-like state by tomorrow morning. At that point he wouldn't be able to pull the feeding tube out, at least until he wakes again."

"Why didn't you come for me before?"

"You know why," Emmett said. "The danger to you, mainly, as well as the fact that if Edward hurt you, he'd feel worse than he does now. There's something else."

"What?" I snapped.

"We tried using you like a carrot...you know, feed, get yourself under control and Jacob will be able to come over and be with you. He said he doesn't want to see you."

"You tell me this now?"

"What use would it have been to tell you when you were stuck home worrying?" sighed Emmett.

"Did he even read my letter? The one I sent back with Esme the first day?" I asked.

"I don't know, I don't think so. It's on the bed table in his room."

"Fuck!" I spat. "I'm sorry, Zara."

"I think the situation calls for a few 'fucks'," Zara said quietly.

"Did you read my mind just before Esme and Charlotte brought me home?" I asked her.

"Yes. It wasn't as bad as you think." Her hand gripped mine more firmly. "Shock and fear, yes, but also love and alarm that we were separating you. Edward's scared, mostly. I got into his head that day before he locked himself in his room. He doesn't know how to be one of us yet; he can't accept it because he thinks there's no way for your lives to continue together. Even though you did it before, it was different then. You were stronger; a hell of a lot stronger than a human. He remembered a long time ago before you and he got it together, there was a girl..."

"Bella," Emmett put in and I nodded.

"He cared for her, but he was too afraid to do anything more than hold her hand in case he crushed her. He doesn't see how he can be close to you now."

"We'll work it out," I said, determinedly swallowing the lump in my throat. "I'll make him listen to me."

None of us spoke much for the rest of the journey. It seemed interminable, despite the fact that Emmett was blatantly ignoring the speed limit and honking aggressively at vehicles in front until they moved over to let him pass. It was no doubt just luck that got us to Forks without being pulled over by the cops and at last the truck turned up the long driveway leading to the Cullens' house. Charlotte came out onto the porch as we parked up and again, Emmett carried me from the truck to the house to save time.

"Any news?" Zara asked.

"Carlisle tried the tube again, but he won't take it," Charlotte said.

"Take me up there!" I exclaimed and Emmett began to charge up the stairs three at a time, Zara following with my crutches.

Jasper and Carlisle were outside the room I shared with Edward when we lived in the house. The door had been completely removed from the hinges and as Emmett set me down carefully on my uninjured leg, I rested a hand on the jamb and looked in fearfully.

Edward lay on the bed, huddled on one side, still wearing the dark grey shirt I had last seen him in and black pants. His eyes were closed, the lids purple, his skin translucent and lips almost grey. He didn't move or show any sign that he was alive and I had to remind myself that the fact he wasn't breathing was normal. Tears pricked my eyes and I took one crutch and shuffled into the room, ignoring the Cullens who all remained outside the door, just in case they needed to come to my rescue.

I reached the side of the bed and propped the crutch against the wall, then glanced down at the items on the bed table - four foam cups with lids, containing blood; the folded letter I had written to Edward; his wedding ring. My heart lurched and I looked at his left hand just to be sure, noting it curled into a loose fist against his chest, the third finger unadorned.

"Edward?"

I lowered myself carefully onto the bed and rested on my side facing him. He remained completely still, but his nostrils flared slightly as he caught my scent. I reached out tentatively and touched his cheek, marvelling at the ice-cold smooth texture, even though I knew what to expect. What I didn't expect was for him to jerk his head back suddenly, away from my touch. His eyes opened slowly, a deep burgundy shade, the expression in them utter anguish. His lips parted slightly and his almost colourless tongue emerged to moisten them.

"Jacob...you can't...be here. I don't...want to hurt you." He spoke in a whisper, each word sounding painful to form, which it probably was. His throat would be burning with venom.

"I'm not going anywhere," I said firmly. "You're my husband; I love you. I'm guessing you didn't read my letter, but it said that nothing has changed for me. I know you read my thoughts when we first saw each other and I'm sorry I hurt you, but that was nothing...an initial reaction. I could barely think properly with all the drugs Carlisle pumped into me. I would have been here the whole time if they'd have let me."

"You have to go." Edward closed his eyes again and turned his face until it was mostly hidden in the pillow. "I don't want to...be like this. What we had...it's over. I'm a...monster."

"No, you're not," I said firmly. "Didn't we go over this four years ago when you realised you'd been a vampire in the past? You were then and you are now, a sweet, loving person that I fell in love with twice over. I fell in love with you like this the first time, remember? The first time I ever held your hand, the first time I kissed you, the first time I married you, you were a vampire and now you are again. It's no different. You're my Edward, my life..."

"There's no life in me," he said bitterly. "My heart doesn't beat and won't, ever again. I died out there on the mountain. You should have just let me go."

"Jacob was unconscious; I explained it was my decision," Carlisle put in from the door.

"If I had been awake, I would have asked him...begged him...to save you however he could," I continued. "I can't live without you. I couldn't before and I can't now. My life would be empty without you in it, whatever form you're in. I loved you as a vampire and I loved you as a human. You came full circle and I feel exactly the same. I love you and I want you. Edward, look at me."

He didn't move for a moment, but then slowly he turned his head and opened his eyes again. The expression in them hadn't changed; he looked as if he had no hope at all.

"I'm not letting you go," I said firmly. "I'm not letting you give up and die."

"I don't want this," Edward whispered. "I don't want to be...like this. I'm stuck in this moment for eternity. In fifty or sixty years you'll die and what then? Jacob, let me go, please. You'll move on from this; be happy with..."

"I'll never be happy without you!" I exclaimed. "After everything we've been through already, we were brought back together a second time, given a second chance. I know you don't really want to throw that away. Do you think if you died, I could just get over you? Live my life alone or with somebody else? It would never happen. I followed you the first time because I couldn't go on without you and I thought I could find you somewhere. Eventually we did find each other and damnit, Edward, if you go again..." I paused and swallowed hard, trying to stop my voice shaking. "...I'll come with you."

"You can't..." His head lifted slightly from the pillow. "Promise me...you won't do that."

"I can't. You're everything to me."

"How can I be with you?" His head lowered again and he moved a hand to his throat, grimacing. "Do you know how hard...this is? If I wasn't so weak...I wouldn't be able to stop myself."

"It'll get easier. When your thirst is under control you'll be ok around me and everybody else. I know you wouldn't hurt me."

"You shouldn't trust me. I don't trust myself." His brows drew together and his eyes closed again. "Please, leave me alone."

"Jake, perhaps you should give it some time," Jasper said from behind me.

"There isn't much time left," I replied, pulling myself up slowly until I was sitting. "I'm not giving up."

"Maybe we should try the tube again," Emmett suggested. "If me and Jas hold him down...he's getting too weak to fight."

Edward whimpered and covered his face with his hand. "Don't..."

"Edward..." I slid my hand under his neck and tried to lift him. He felt surprisingly heavy compared to what I was used to, but I eventually managed to pull him up and tuck my arm under him so that his body rested against my side, his head on my shoulder. His nostrils fluttered again and he gulped audibly.

"Jacob, be careful, for God's sake," Jasper groaned.

"I'm not gonna let them force-feed you...not yet, anyway," I said. "But I'm not letting you slip away either." I reached out with the other hand and took one of the foam cups from the bed table. "Do this for me, ok?"

"No..." His head moved slightly and he tried to turn away from the rich, coppery scent emanating from the straw that protruded from the cup lid, but the slight movement brought his nose into contact with my neck and he moaned painfully.

"The least you can do for me is let me talk to you and you're not going to be able to do that much longer if you don't feed," I said. "Just one cup, Edward, please."

I hated the things I was saying to him, trying to make him feel guilty, telling him I wouldn't go on living without him, but I would have done anything to keep him with me. I was convinced that if he would just give it a chance, things would be the way they were in the beginning. I wasn't a wolf and my weakness in comparison to him would pose a problem, but not an insurmountable one. I was certain that we could make it work and that we loved each other enough to get past the obstacles that would doubtless appear in our path. I just had to keep him conscious, make him more comfortable until he could see that.

He turned his face away from my skin and I held the cup closer, the straw an inch from his nose. I could see Jasper, Emmett and Carlisle poised at the door, ready to fly in and pull me away if things went badly. Their presence hadn't concerned me as I talked to him and tried to persuade him, but I wondered if they were making Edward uncomfortable - his whole family waiting outside the door to try to force him to live, watching and listening to everything he and I did and said. He nodded fractionally against my shoulder and I turned my head towards them.

"Guys, will you all back off a little, please?"

"We can't do that, Jacob, it's too risky," Carlisle answered.

"They're ok for the moment. We're really not helping Edward right now," Zara said from behind the others. "At least go to the other end of the landing."

After a moment, the vampires all drew away from the door, much to my relief, and disappeared from view. I turned back to Edward and noticed he had opened his eyes, his gaze fixed on the cup in front of him.

"You must be in agony," I said. "You described it to me once and my Imprint let me feel a little of it - the burning. Please try this. I know you don't want to, but you'll feel better and it'll be easier to talk."

I nudged the end of the straw against his lips, expecting him to try to turn away again, but suddenly his mouth opened and then closed around the narrow plastic tube. I held my breath as I watched the thick, dark liquid slowly make its way up the straw and into his mouth and then I sighed with relief as I felt the weight of the cup gradually lessen as he continued to drink the contents. When it was empty, he let go of the straw and licked his lips, the tip of his tongue leaving a dark red smear on the lower one.

"I don't understand how you can do this," he said then. "It's disgusting."

"No, it isn't. I'm used to it." I leaned back to return the cup to the bed table and picked up a second. "Don't you remember Volterra? My blood almost killed you. You were so sick; worse than this. After Carlisle drained it out of you, you weren't even conscious and the feeding tube was a necessity. When you woke I held you up and gave you several of these...come on, drink." I tapped the end of the straw against his lips again and this time he took it without hesitating more than a second or two. "Back then it was mostly only the Imprint working on me, but I started to care for you a little. None of this has ever bothered me, Edward, after I accepted I was meant to be with you. You were a vampire when I first fell in love with you and I grew to love the feel of you, the thrill of our difference in temperatures, your strength, your beauty. You became my husband not once, but twice and that's for keeps; till death us do part and all that."

Edward moaned and raised his hand, pulling the straw from his mouth. "Death will part us. You'll age...leave me; assuming I don't accidentally kill you by attacking you, or...crushing you somehow."

"You wouldn't hurt me," I said firmly for the second time. "We can work this out; learn how to be together again. You just have to want to."

"I want to. Of course I want to. I just don't see how we can be. I'm afraid I'll hurt you. I'm afraid of accepting that I'm...this again...a vampire...and losing control one day. If it wasn't you it could be somebody else. One of your sisters." He emitted a choking sob, his whole body shuddering.

"You have a whole family to help you," I said. "Not just me, but all of the Cullens. They've all been here and gotten through it. You did too once and you will again. Isn't it worth it?"

He didn't answer, but began to cry quietly with soft, achingly painful sobs, shedding not a single tear, his hand eventually coming to rest on my chest and curling into a fist around a handful of my shirt. I returned the half empty cup to the bed table and eyed the gold ring sitting there on top of the letter. I picked it up and slid it onto my pinky, then covered his hand with mine and pried the fist open so that his hand lay flat over my heart. Slowly I returned the ring to its rightful place on his finger and he didn't protest, but his cries increased and I felt tears tracking down my cheeks as I hugged him against me.

"It's alright," I whispered. "We'll be alright. We're together; that's the only thing that's important."

"I just...can't see...how you can want me...like this...after the way we were...the last four years," Edward wept.

"Baby, I love you in all forms, no more or less in either," I said. "I'll always love you, until my heart stops and then my soul will go on loving you."

I was dimly aware of the sound of a muffled sob from outside the room and Emmett saying, "Shush, babe," presumably to Zara. I blinked away my tears and stroked my hand through Edward's hair, noticing it felt like silk and its colour was richer, warmer than ever.

"We'll work it out," I said. "One step at a time. Step one is getting you well; getting rid of that burning." I reached out for the second cup again and held it in front of him.

"Are you sure about this?" he whispered.

"Totally. I'm going nowhere and nor are you. I know it'll be tough, but we'll get there."

He gave a slight nod and finished the contents of the cup. When I picked up the third one and brought it to him, his hand left my chest and took hold of it, although he remained resting against me, his head on my shoulder. I wasn't under any illusion he was suddenly going to be fine - I could still feel fear and anxiety coming off of him in waves - but at least he was willing to give it a try. I could hear him gulping the blood greedily now and when I passed him the fourth cup, he removed the lid and drank normally. He was gradually regaining some strength and he sat up, edging away from me a little, glancing up at me through lowered lashes. I noticed that his eyes had changed colour, from red to black and I realised it was going to take a lot more than four cups before he felt anywhere near normal.

"I'll get some more," Zara said from the doorway and came in to take the empty cups. Carlisle appeared too.

"Jacob, I think you should come away for a while."

"I'm staying," I stated firmly. "We're fine."

"Jacob...maybe you should do as he says," Edward told me. "I can smell you; your blood, I mean. I don't feel safe near you now I'm less weak."

"I don't want to leave you."

"I won't go anywhere. I'll see you again later, when I know I'll be ok around you."

"Alright. I'll go outside for a while." I wanted to move closer, to kiss him, but I knew it was just going to make things harder for him and I slid off of the bed reluctantly and grabbed my crutch. "I love you."

He didn't return the sentiment and I hobbled outside and took the second crutch from Jasper. He helped me down the stairs as Zara appeared again with a tray bearing six full cups and went into the bedroom with Emmett. By the time I had reached the front door, she had come to join me again and Jasper left us.

"You want to sit outside?" she suggested.

"Yeah."

She opened the door and we made our way out onto the porch. I sat down carefully on the top step and Zara walked down to the driveway and paced back and forth.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"He's not blocking his thoughts any more; or at least he wasn't until you came out of the room. He's very conflicted."

"I expected that," I nodded.

"He still doesn't want to live like this. He feels guilty for upsetting you, for not being able to be with you the way you were before the accident. A big part of him still thinks you'll be better off without him and he's convinced you're going to realise that soon enough and wish you'd walked away."

"Shit." I dragged a hand through my short hair. "I didn't think for a minute that he would miraculously come around just in the time I was up there, but I thought...I don't know, I thought he was willing to give it a chance."

"He hates himself," Zara said. "When he was feeding, he had that same sense of incredible relief and satisfaction we all get from blood, kind of like a high, but at the same time he felt sick - disgusted by what he was doing. It doesn't feel natural to him."

"It's happened before."

I looked up suddenly, startled as Tanya appeared beside me and I wondered that Zara hadn't sensed her approaching.

"I did. She can tell you more than I can." Zara gave me a small smile and stopped pacing as Tanya lowered herself onto the step next to me. Although we had come to a kind of understanding over the past few years and got along ok, I still felt wary of Tanya, but she seemed to harbour no such feelings towards me.

"This is actually the third time Edward's been like this," she began. "I was around way back before he was turned in 1918 and that first time it was a constant battle for Carlisle to keep him alive for about a year. He was grieving for his parents and didn't want to go on without them, as well as having to try to deal with being a vampire and learn to control himself. He got better, but it wasn't really until Esme came along a couple years later that he began to live properly and realise that he could enjoy things again.

"I'm not sure if you know that he went...um..."

"Rogue, yes," I said. "He told me when we first started seeing each other properly."

"Good, I didn't want to shock you. He was rebelling, but when he went back to Carlisle and Esme, the guilt almost finished him off. They went through it all over again, trying to convince him that he was worth something and that he could move on from what happened. Zara and Charlotte weren't around then and mostly I only heard what was going on through Eleazar, but the others have been here before twice over. The difference is that this time Edward has you. He'll make it, I know it, but it's not going to be easy. You'll probably find yourself going over the same thing repeatedly until he accepts that there's a future for him."

"I don't care how many times I have to tell him, or show him what he means to me," I averred. "He's more important to me than anything else. I'm going nowhere, whatever he says or does."

"Jake..." Jasper had opened the door behind us and when I looked over my shoulder I noticed he had a phone in his hand. "Sorry to interrupt; your mother's on the phone."

"Thanks." I took the phone from him and covered the mouthpiece for a second. "Thanks, girls."

Zara and Tanya both nodded and accompanied Jasper back into the house, leaving me to talk to Mom. I apologised for taking off without even leaving a note and explained that Edward would be ok, but that he needed me. I would call her daily to update her and I promised we would talk properly about what Edward was and where we would go from here as soon as I was able to leave him. I expected her to be more pushy, to demand that she and Dad come over and see me, or to bombard me with questions, but she said only that she understood and that they were both there for me whenever I needed them.

When I ended the call I had tears in my eyes again and I folded my arms around my knees and dropped my head onto them, letting myself cry. I was anxious and scared, hopeful and determined and on top of it all, mentally exhausted. We had a long road ahead of us, but we would make it, together, one way or another.