Walls of Glass 4
Elrohir.
In sleep Legolas looked peaceful and he could imagine for a time that all was as it used to be, that he would awaken, smile his sweet smile and take him in his arms. In truth before Aragorn had forced the sedative on him he had been frightened and desperate, begging to be left alone.
In the end it had been Gimli only, he allowed near enough to touch him and Aragorn's presence had caused him to become a screaming and terrified mess. Aragorn's face when that happened had been wretched and briefly Elrohir had felt glad. He was ashamed of that now, that he could take pleasure in Legolas's pain for any reason, was wrong.
He took advantage of the deep unnatural sleep to gain the closeness he craved. Gently he stroked the face he adored, fingers tracing over the new injury Arwen had said was caused by panic. He bent his head close planting his lips softly on his forehead.
"Beloved" he whispered "Beloved, I am here. I will not leave this time. I promise. I am sorry, I am sorry."
His voice broke with a sob.
He felt a hand soft and gentle fall on his hair, brush it out of his face and he turned. His sister of course, She always knew when he was hurting.
"It will not be the same Elrohir."
He knew what she was meaning, he needed no explanation.
"Will it not? It feels the same to me."
"He is not our mother. What was done to him is different, you know that as well as I. He is strong, he will return to you."
He looked at her closely as he seldom was able to. Drank in her loveliness, her beauty, but then his eyes slid away. He could not bear to look, to see what would one day be lost to him, for he loved her deeply, his little sister, and could not imagine her gone.
"He has the sea-longing is that not enough?"
He spat the word out with bitterness as if it was his deepest enemy and truly that was how it felt, a cruel joke played on them by fate, or the Valar, he knew not who. He knew who was to blame though, that much was clear. His brother, who he still loved, had doubly betrayed him.
A familiar flash of anger and resentment rose up choking him in its vitriol but he swallowed it down, he could not let Arwen see that. But she saw through him anyway, she always could. Her hand found his arm.
"Do not blame Estel, Elrohir, it will bring you no peace. Legolas makes his own choices."
"So he tells me."
But the anger was still there as it had always been.
They sat in silence for a time, he was wrapped deep in his thoughts. When at last he spoke it was with a sense of hopelessness.
" What will I do...if he chooses to leave?"
Arwen took his hand.
"He will not leave you."
"You do not know that," he cried, "and if he does what will I do?"
"You will go with him."she smiled at him as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, " You will go with him because he is what you need."
"No! I will not leave you, not before..." He could not finish.
"You will Elrohir, if he were to sail, you will not stay here without him. I, more than anyone understand that."
And he knew that was true for she was leaving them all...for him, her love, Estel. He no longer called him that, for Estel it was who stole his sister from him. Aragorn of the Dunedain, leader of Men he could love. Estel was the child he had cherished, who had thrown his love back in his face.
But he would not speak of that now, they had had that conversation many times before.
Instead he spoke of his other brother, his twin.
"I cannot leave Elladan."
He was panicked at the thought.
She smiled,
"Elladan would follow you eventually, it would not be long, you know that Elrohir."
But he knew nothing of the sort. He had to stay close to him for what if he chose to stay, to follow her and their brother. It would break him.
"He will not be parted from you, he wishes to see our mother...and there is Glorfindel..."
He laughed at that,
"Glorfindel cannot stay away from here, he has returned from the dead once already. Who knows if he will ever leave!"
She smiled with him then and the tension between them dissipated. She put an arm around him.
" Oh my Brother, you are hurting. Will you not let go of this bitterness and resentment? It does not help you."
"I cannot, I cannot do it." He had tried, how he had tried.
"Estel is hurting too." She told him, and he knew that to be true, yet he did not want to think of that, Aragorn's friendship with Legolas. Was nothing of his sacred? Did he have to take it all?
And so he sat and clasped his lover's hand, While his sister sat next to him, his support.
And his soul was a deep well of pain.