out that I can't sleep and so here we are. Congrats, four chapters in one day, how lovely.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, nor am I making profits off of this, all rights go to respective owners.

BOOM. They knocked again. Dudley jerked awake. "Where's the cannon?" he said stupidly.

There was a crash behind them and Uncle Vernon came skidding into the room. He was holding a rifle in his hands - now they knew what had been in the long, thin package he had brought with them.

"Who's there?" he shouted. "I warn you - I'm armed!"

"Harry! That's illegal!" Hermione cried in dismay, shaking her puffy hair all over her face or something. Harry stared at her, smashed his head on the table, looked around, smashed his face once more for good luck and sighed.

"Yeah, so is locking a child in a cupboard and beating them, I don't think Vernon cares much for laws…" Hermione turned a nice fiery shade of red.

"B-b-but Harry!"

"But what Hermione?"

"Couldn't make us a cup o' tea, could yeh? It's not been an easy journey..."

"Hagrid" McGonagall was stuck between being angry at Hagrid, and mild amusement.

"Las' time I saw you, you was only a baby," said the giant. "Yeh look a lot like yet dad, but yeh've got yet mom's eyes."

"Wow I hate to break this to you all, no really, I do. But! Did it ever occur to you that perhaps, and I'm talking about a small possibility here, that maybe I was created from the combination of my parent's genes?" Harry looked around the room, most muggleborns seemed to have a vague idea of what he was on about, whereas quite a few half-bloods and almost all of the purebloods looked lost. Ah, how wonderful it was, to have a whole community know the basics of science.

"Holy shit Harry, spittin' fire once again."

"Call me Hagrid," he said, "everyone does. An' like I told yeh, I'm Keeper of Keys at Hogwarts - yeh'll know all about Hogwarts, o' course.

"Er - no," said Harry.

"Wow, riveting stuff there Harry" Ron shot.

"I know, should have pursued some sort of writing career"

Harry thought this was going a bit far. He had been to school, after all, and his marks weren't bad.

"I know some things," he said. "I can, you know, do math and stuff."

"Math and stuff, fucking wonderful."

"Well it's not as if anyone here can claim to be decent at any muggle subject now, is it? Since we abandoned all common sense as soon as we found out we were magical, and forgot about the fact that muggles are actually clever."

"Ah, go boil yet heads, both of yeh," saidHagrid. "Harry - yeh a wizard."

Harry had once again mouthed this line as it was read out, making Hagrid chuckle.

"A wizard, o' course," saidHagrid, sitting back down on the sofa, which groaned and sank even lower, "an' a thumpin' good'un, I'd say, once yeh've been trained up a bit. With a mum an' dad like yours, what else would yeh be? An' I reckon it's abou' time yeh read yer letter."

"No Hagrid, I really want to spend even more time with my obviously bat shit insane Uncle, and equally insane Aunt. No, seriously!"

HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY

Headmaster: ALBUS DUMBLEDORE

(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)

"Sir, how the fuck did you manage to get all these titles?" Harry asked. Dumbledore peered down at him and frowned, he couldn't remember.

"Probably due to me fucking up ol' G-dog"

"what now?"

"Dark lord before our time, Harry." Hermione told him with a sigh. Harry ignored her sigh.

"Oh yea, I know about him, just… G-dog. Bit weird."

"I'd like ter see a great Muggle like you stop him," he said.

"A what?" said Harry, interested.

"A Muggle," said Hagrid, "it's what we call nonmagic folk like thern. An' it's your bad luck you grew up in a family o' the biggest Muggles I ever laid eyes on."

"Slightly rude there, implying that the Dursleys are the biggest Muggles you laid your eyes on is slightly demeaning to actual muggles, unless you meant size wise, in which case you'd be correct.

"yea, let's just go with that."

that's why yer famous, Harry. No one ever lived after he decided ter kill 'em, no one except you, an' he'd killed some o' the best witches an' wizards of the age - the McKinnons, the Bones, the Prewetts - an' you was only a baby, an' you lived."

"Jesus Christ. This war really fucked people up" A few muggleborns looked around them in fear, I mean who wouldn't, magic was fucking deadly.

"I AM NOT PAYING FOR SOME CRACKPOT OLD FOOL To TEACH HIM MAGIC TRICKS!" yelled Uncle Vernon.

But he had finally gone too far. Hagrid seized his umbrella and whirled it over his head, "NEVER," he thundered, "- INSULT- ALBUS- DUMBLEDORE- IN- FRONT- OF- ME!"

"FINALLY ACTION" Everyone was surprised to hear Percy Weasley interrupt the drone of Umbitch, even more so with something such as this. Percy, who now had an audience coughed awkwardly and averted his eyes to the ceiling.

"Sorry, I get into books and it bores me when nothing happens."

"Boi I forgot you were even here"

When he turned his back on them, Harry saw a curly pig's tail poking through a hole in his trousers.

"That was silent Transfiguration of a human Hagrid, that's powerful magic" McGonagall looked at Hagrid and squinted her eyes, trying to see how Hagrid, a giant with a broken wand and a third year education managed to do advanced Transfiguration.

You can kip under that," he said. "Don' mind if it wriggles a bit, I think I still got a couple o' dormice in one o' the pockets."

Another McGonagall sigh.

Well it aint better by much buuuut it was never gonna be something too hilarious. Honestly I promise the next chapter will be good, trust me, I might even add some cool hip memes.

Tbf that might ruin it even more.