Lucien lay sleepless in the dark. He loathed self pity, but settled instead for self recrimination. He should never have let himself fall in love with Jean, and it would have been better for her if he had let her leave when she applied for the job at the Royal Cross, or even when she went to Adelaide. What had made him think he could ruin her life like this? He'd even encouraged her, tried to persuade her to consider a relationship with him.

He knew she wouldn't change her mind about marrying him, she wasn't that sort of woman, but surely this was going to come between them now forever. This was the secret he had waited too long to tell her, in the hope it might just go away. How stupid he had been. He turned over in frustration.

Although he was convinced he would not sleep, he awoke some time later, bleary-eyed, to see Jean standing at the end of the bed, her chin stuck out in a defiant gesture he loved her for.

"Jean..?" he mumbled. "Did I wake you?" He started to turn over and sit up, to look for his watch on the bedside table.

She shook her head and walked round to the far side of the bed.

"No. It's just after midnight. I couldn't sleep." She noticed his hair standing up in messy tufts on the top of his head. He must have been restless too.

He smiled at her. She sounded a little how he remembered his daughter sounding, coming into the bedroom in the darkness to announce she wasn't tired. He had always indulged Li, much to Mei Lin's annoyance.

"Are you hoping for a story, or a glass of water?" he asked, fully awake now and his eye catching hers.

Jean laughed softly, understanding.

"Maybe a cuddle would help." She put her fingers to her mouth, regretting how bold she sounded already. She could hardly believe she had just invited herself into his bed, especially after the events of the evening just past.

Lucien flipped back the covers on her side of the bed and lay down again, watching her, still trying to gauge her mood. She took off her dressing gown and climbed in, and for the first time he noticed she wasn't wearing pyjamas, but a nightdress, in a pale colour he couldn't identify in the darkness.

An edging of lace ran across the top of her breasts, drawing his eyes in, and the silky material covered just enough to be tantalising.

"Is the nightdress new?" he asked, as she shuffled nearer to him. Her hair was loose, and fell around her face.

"It was meant for our honeymoon, but I wondered if we needed a practice run. Just to take the pressure off a bit." Jean's voice sounded uncertain, and he wished he could see her expression more clearly.

"I see," he said, though he wasn't sure he did. "What exactly will we be practising?"

She didn't reply directly, but instead rolled against him, ending with her head on his chest and one leg resting on his. She breathed deliberately slowly, taking in the scent of his skin, trying to calm her heartbeat. Nearly twenty years since she had shared a man's bed, and she felt ridiculously teenaged - excited, a little bit nervous, unsure what to expect.

Lucien put his arm around her and began tracing slow circles on her back, waiting for her to take the lead. His fingertips burning on her skin gradually became all she could think about, and slowly her worries receded. Unconsciously, she started to stroke his chest, her fingers parting the blond hairs there. She unbuttoned his pyjama top and kissed his bare skin.

She couldn't help comparing him to Christopher; he smelled different, better if she were honest, though she couldn't have described how, and his chest was smoother and broader. She was finding this new experience rather more overwhelming than she had expected.

She'd thought a bit more intimacy between them might make Lucien more comfortable, but she hadn't taken account of how she might feel.

She propped herself up on one elbow, looking down at him, a little smile playing on her lips now. She ran her fingers through his hair, messing it up even more. She kissed him gently, then more deeply, and his hands started to move over her more quickly. When he tried to lift up the hem of her nightdress, she stopped him however.

"That's not what we're practising, Lucien. Not tonight, anyway." But she looked at him lovingly and he resolved to be patient, and see what she intended.

Jean put her hand very deliberately into his.

"Now, you need to show me how to touch you so I don't hurt you or upset you."

He stared at her for a moment.

"I'm not sure it's that simple, Jean."

"Well, maybe not, but let's try, shall we?" She was only too aware she was beginning to sound rather bossy.

Keeping hold of her hand, Lucien brushed his hand over his belly, pausing to look at her. Then he moved lower, under his pyjama trousers, and Jean's smile turned to a cheeky grin.

"Hmm, that seems to be in order," she teased him. Then she glanced up at him and her face fell. His face was screwed up in a grimace and he had turned it away from her.

"Lucien, it's me. Open your eyes and look at me." She kissed his cheek and waited.

Soon he opened his eyes a crack and looked towards her, trying to catch her gaze in the near darkness.

"Did I hurt you?" she asked quietly.

"No, it didn't hurt." But the memories were starting to intrude, and he didn't know how to make them back off.

"Then keep your eyes open," Jean replied, "and I'll stop whenever you want me to." She gently tried again, holding his gaze the whole time.

"I'm never going to hurt you," she murmured. After a minute or two he took his hand away from hers, beginning to move his hands over her back and down to her bottom, shifting her closer to him.

Jean began to relax, just a little, and her fingers gently explored.

"At least you didn't laugh at me," he murmured against her ear. He was sure she could see all his doubts and insecurities.

"Why would I?" she asked, not expecting an answer. "I think we'll be fine, given a bit of time."

Lucien heard her voice, but his mind was more occupied with her hand stroking him slowly, and the feeling of her inner thigh moving against his leg. Her nightdress had ridden up to her hips and he slid his hand between her legs, desperate to touch her, and all thoughts of patience gone.

She flinched away from him, surprised. He backed off a little at that but continued kissing and sucking at the skin on her collarbone.

"Perhaps we need some more practice," he suggested, groaning as he hugged her and worked his kisses up her neck rather enthusiastically.

Jean realised they were quickly reaching the point of no return.

"I should go back to my own bed," Jean whispered. "I don't want Charlie to hear us."

Lucien sighed deeply but loosened his hold on her.

"Stay here. Just sleep here with me. That way I can enjoy wanting you, at least."

Jean gave him a curious look, but he was right, she had to admit, there was pleasure in the anticipation. She turned lazily away from him, then snuggled back against him, feeling his erection pressing against her bottom. Lucien curved himself around her back, kissing the back of her shoulder softly, letting his mind drift until eventually he slept.

Jean lay awake for some time, thinking about what had just happened, and wondering what she had got herself into.

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The next chapter will be M, so you will have to change your filters to find it, or you could follow the story so you get a notification when it is updated. It will probably be posted in a day or two (when I've plucked up the courage!)

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