Poet
4.

To this day, she can still recall the smell of the quarantine zone, all the way back in Boston. Faintly of ash and smoke. A weird scent, but one she grew so accustomed to, it was the only thing which reminded her of home. But it was a trap. Binding her body whole, and making absolutely sure she could not move; could not escape.

Being young and small had its disadvantages at a military camp. Ellie was a prime victim of bullying, of being picked on deliberately by the commanding officers; whoever possessed the slightest authority. That humiliation and severe lack of confidence was cut short, though, when Riley escaped the quarantine zone, with Ellie lagging on behind.

It was tricky. Very tricky climbing the walls, and jumping from rooftop to rooftop. Even at that age, Riley was fairly tall, and succeeded much easily than Ellie when it came to reaching high places. It was always Ellie who needed an extra hand, or a few words of encouragement to make a jump.

Once finally over the fence, Ellie managed to get a name from this athletic, vibrant child.

The memory which sticks, though, lasts from years ago. The two of them walking across the rooftops, free of soldiers, and just talking. The view was surprisingly beautiful, and it was the first time Ellie had genuinely witnessed the outside world. The abandoned streets, shattered lampposts. She imagined people walking these streets, chattering, and children running from pavement to pavement.

How odd it all seemed. That children did that. Once upon a time.

'You ever think about the future?' Riley wore a smirk; almost cocky. Back then, Ellie was young and small, and untouched. Somebody else to protect.

From her expression, Ellie assumed her question rhetorical. A joke.

'Like the far future?' She asked, looking up at her. 'With space-ships and stuff?'

There was a brief pause. A sort of sadness passed her eyes, before she met Ellie's line of gaze, and laughed at her.

'Cute.'

If Ellie knew her future to be like this, if she knew she would survive so much, she might have fled with Riley then and there. If that were so, then perhaps Ellie would never have discovered her immunity. She entertains the idea, wondering if that would have been best. To live in pure ignorance.

What bliss.

She misses the rebellion. Clambering atop roofs, and feeling bad. As if suddenly the world were her tiny oyster, and she could do whatever the Hell she wished.

That all disappeared fast.

Because now she sits before the same girl, fiddling with her sleeve, and her mind gone blank. The same girl whose wrists are tied, and locked behind a heavy door. And, in a way, Ellie feels more of a prisoner than Riley does.

'I'm sorry,' Ellie finally says.

Riley furrows her brows. 'Why're you sorry?'

Shrugging, Ellie stops playing with her sleeve. 'This whole thing ain't my style. Not really into interrogation or whatever this is supposed to be.'

'Oh… that doesn't answer my question.'

'Because I know you're innocent,' Ellie admits. 'That's why I'm sorry. I know you: you wouldn't steal anythin' unless you really needed to. But that's all I wanna find out. Who you were takin' the supplies to.'

Riley rests her back against the wall. 'All right. I'll tell you. You gotta promise not to be mad at me, though.'

'Why'd I be mad?'

'Look, listen: everybody seems to have this idea that all the Fire Flies were wiped out. By hunters, runners and––well, people like you.' The you feels like a jab. Ellie tries to brush off the blame. 'We're still alive.'

'We?' Ellie clicks her tongue. 'So, you still believe in their horse shit?'

'It's not horse shit. And, yeah, I do believe in them. Someone has to. They're the only people who have any kinda hope left. Everybody else has given up.'

'If you and your Fire Fly friends are alive, then why steal from us? Clearly you're all not doing as well as you think you are.'

'Wow.' Riley smiles slightly. A hint of disbelief in her tone. 'Last time I met you, you were much more open-minded than this.'

'That was a long time ago, and that was before I knew they would try to kill me.' Ellie hesitates, uncertain whether to keep the conversation going. However, she got what she needed. The Fire Flies. Clearly they must have a base somewhere, and Riley was ordered to do the dirty work of stealing.

Neither Tommy or Maria will like this. Maybe Riley won't be getting out so soon, after all.

Riley says nothing while Ellie stands up, and turns to the door. As she nears it, she hears the sound of handcuffs rattling. Peering over her shoulder, Ellie sees that Riley has stood as well, and her expression looks close to amused.

Ellie amuses her.

'You're not gonna stay any longer?'

'I got no reason to stick around.' She reaches for the door handle.

'Tsk.' Riley chuckles softly. 'You remember when we first met? That guy was beating you to a pulp.' Of course Ellie remembers, but she won't give Riley the satisfaction of an answer. Be that as it may, she hasn't left the room yet. 'I came in and knocked him back. Made sure he stayed back too.'

'What's your point?'

'I'm your friend, and I help you. I never stopped being that, Ellie, even if you think otherwise.'

Slipping her hand away from the door, Ellie turns to face her. Refusing to be moved, Ellie folds her arms, and attempts to harden her expression. Usually, her opponents don't deter her; it's easy to hate them.

As much as she can't handle the fact, Riley is no opponent.

And whatever Ellie is enduring has very little to do with hatred.

'You know, when I got bit? That was when I really needed you around.'

'What d'you mean? You were immune––'

'I was scared shitless, Riley. But you didn't hesitate to agree to Marlene's commands; handing me over as if I was some prized possession of yours.'

'You were exactly what the Fire Flies had been looking for all this time. Of course I was gonna do that. But tell me something: you wouldn't have done the same thing?' Riley exhales. 'Hey, what if we both got bitten that day? What if I got infected, and you found out you were immune? Wouldn't you have gone to her anyway?'

'Fuck, Riley, stop twisting this.'

'I'm not,' she replies calmly. 'The honest truth? When you got bitten, it was my fault completely. I led you out of the quarantine zone again, and we ran into infected––I had to take you somewhere safe, and Marlene was the only person I could think of. If the military found out you were immune, they would have shot you dead.'

Ellie is silenced. Everything Riley said is true, and it hurts.

A beat, and then––'Don't you remember? Marlene was gonna kill me anyway.'

Riley opens her mouth to protest, but suddenly reconsiders. It's clear to Ellie that she doesn't know the full story. Joel saved her life. She knows that much. But something is missing. Something doesn't add up.

Heart racing, she walks over to Riley, tense and nervous all over.

'I need you to start talkin'. What don't I know about the experiments?'

'You'll just get upset––'

Ellie shoves her impatiently, and Riley balances herself against the wall. 'Will you quit it with the bull? Tell me. Fuck.' She rolls her eyes. 'I think I deserve to know if I was just another guinea pig or not.'

But she knows the answer.

Riley's silence is enough, and a rush of anger floods through Ellie's body. What frustrates her is that she has no idea who she's angry at. Why she's angry at all. Joel lied: the Fire Flies didn't give up on a cure. But that was the only lie. Ellie wouldn't have survived the surgery, and there was no promise the surgery would succeed anyway.

'They told me nothing, Riley. They knocked me out cold, and were about to take out my brain without me ever knowing.'

'So, if told, you would have consented anyway?'

'You woulda liked that,' Ellie scowls. 'Because above being your friend, I was just disposable waste to you. It wouldn't have mattered, though––all for the greater good, right?'

For a brief moment, Ellie is convinced she's won the argument. Riley has no support whatsoever and, in a way, Ellie wants her to feel guilty. Wants her to realise how much she fucked up.

That Riley's betrayal breaks her heart.

Yet, despite all of that, Ellie isn't satisfied. She's not happy with the outcome of her visit, and the thought of leaving now would only reduce her to tears. Because even if Riley was willing to stab her in the back, Ellie's feelings haven't altered in the slightest.

This only angers her more. And Ellie can't manage anger well.

After all, it usually leads to tears.

She impatiently wipes her eyes, and considers Riley's silence as a loss.

Then, to Ellie's surprise, Riley smiles. Warm and amused. 'I forgot how dumb you are sometimes.' She fiddles with one of the handcuffs wrapped around her wrist. It's made her skin raw, and dry. Mildly distracted, Ellie wonders how many men those hands have killed. How many faces they're caressed.

Riley takes Ellie's vacant seat.

'Have you actually considered how I feel about all of this?'

'I––ah…' Ellie gives her that. She curls a few strands of hair behind her ear, 'Whatever, then. Share.'

Prying her attention away from the handcuffs, Riley avoids Ellie's gaze deliberately. Now she finally has control over the conversation, she doesn't quite know where to begin. Undoubtedly Ellie went through a great deal since their separation, but she's not the only one.

Everybody has gone through shit.

'Soon after you went away, I, alongside a few others, were given the task to take care of a group of kids. I had to get them to a camp further south, where there were more supplies and even electricity. Bit like where we are now.' She leans forwards. 'Long story short, kids don't survive well in these conditions. Their immune systems are weak, so they're infected easily. Those fucking jabs we gave 'em beforehand did nothing. The infection is too strong to stop, and so I––'

Riley pauses. Recovers from whatever image screams in her mind.

'I watched them die.'

Ellie looks away.

'You ever seen an infected child before?'

'Once. Yeah.'

'How about babies, then? Little toddlers who can barely walk, let alone run. Those fucking monsters got to them, and we failed. I wouldn't let anyone lay a damned finger on you, but you didn't see what I saw. I dug up too many tiny graves. The worst part is holding their hand while they cry; while we had to wait for the infection to spread.'

'Why the fuck are you telling me this?' Ellie snaps.

'Because for all of those little lives I had to kill, I'd swap their lives for yours in a fucking heartbeat.'

Ellie glares at her, and this is her first mistake. The sight of Riley being reduced to tears only does the same for Ellie. Her throat aches, and narrows. Her eyes sting, and she outright refuses to cry. Not for Riley. Not because Riley has been through Hell and back, and Ellie hasn't even seen the worst of it yet.

'I hate this shit,' Riley says. Ellie hears the tremble in her voice, and it's a stab to her already bruised heart. 'I knew what they were gonna do to you, and, yeah, I'd have let them. Just so no other poor child had to go through what mine did. If that makes me a bad person, then so be it. But don't fucking give me shit for that.'

Quickly, Ellie wipes a stray tear. Her hands shake, and she's finding it hard to breathe.

This all hurts too much, and whatever anger and confusion she held towards Riley has vanished entirely. Now, she just feels like a fool.

Stupid girl.

'You meant the fucking world to me, Ellie. But I hadn't a choice.'

That's when Riley has to stop. To wipe her tears, and recover. To pull through the agony again, and try to live with herself. For however long that will last.

'Don't you hear me?'

Ellie does. She hears every word, and they ring in her mind like a constant bell. Drilling away into her skull. Deeper and deeper, until latched onto her brain. She faces Riley, and, without offering a response, she proceeds to commit to her second mistake.

Looking into her eyes, she captures all of everything Riley spoke about. The children, her comrades who passed away alongside them; the graves she dug. Having to sacrifice her dearest friend for the uncertain sake of others. That trauma, that amount of turmoil, bleeds through. And this life they've been forced to live has decayed them in ways unimaginable.

Carefully, slowly––still trembling––Ellie takes her face between her hands, and kisses her. It's brief, and as timid as before, but equally as tender. Apologetic and desperate. Riley is caught by slight surprise, but they've been through too much in order to require any form of hesitation.

If anything, this is overdue.

'I hear you.'

Witnessing Ellie give up like this just makes Riley feel weak at the knees. This time around, she leans in to initiate the kiss. Ellie's lips are chapped, but warm, and just refreshing. From everything else, to have this, feels good. Really good. Ellie accidentally bumps her nose into hers, kissing her harder, wanting this, until she suddenly remembers the situation they are both in.

Ellie retreats. Although dazed, she manages to maintain her composure. She doubts Maria will be pleased if she discovers Ellie was doing something like this with a hostage. Regardless of what the hostage means to her.

But they're not children anymore, and Riley isn't satisfied with what little was shared between them. Restricted by her handcuffs, she can only pull Ellie towards her by her shirt, but it's enough. Taken ahold of, Ellie falls into her, and allows to be kissed again. And, just like that, she gives into her.

Riley's cheeks are soft beneath her fingertips; soft, but familiar. All of this is familiar.

Feeling a bit more at ease, Ellie welcomes the kiss, her tongue exploring her mouth for the first time. Although inexperienced and very conscious of what she is doing, it all brings a wonderful, thrilling sensation up her spine.

They kiss and kiss again, and only for breath, or a moment to think, does Ellie pull back once more.

'You okay?' Riley's question comes out in a rush due to the intensity of the kiss. But it's not as if Ellie is any different.

'No.' Ellie can feel the blush burning her cheeks, and it's humiliating. If not a reminder that she's still alive. That this is real. 'I've never really been okay when you're around.'

'That's sweet.' She might make a joke out of Ellie's condition, but she's not an idiot. It wasn't as if things weren't complicated enough. Riley reaches out and squeezes Ellie's arm affectionately. If it weren't for these damned handcuffs, she would cuddle her; reassure her in some way. 'Well, in case you didn't notice, you're free to go.' She snorts, and raises her cuffed wrists. 'Not like me.'

'Not really free to go, though, am I?' The corner of her mouth twitches. 'Got people hunting me left and right.'

Stepping towards her, Riley fiddles with one of Ellie's buttons; her shirt is old, and in need of a wash. Such luxuries are rare nowadays, and they're both a bit of a mess. Run down by this life they struggle to survive in.

Ellie cuddles her. She wraps her arms around the back of her neck, and cuddles Riley gently. As if she were the most vulnerable thing on earth. As if she were all Ellie had left. She cuddles her, and buries her face into the crook of her neck; and would stay like this forever if she were allowed to.

With her. Like this.

Forever.

Ellie nearly laughs at how fairytale it could all be.

How stupid it has all become.

She can feel Riley's hands on the small of her back; feel as she pulls slightly at Ellie's shirt and squeezes; clinging onto her. Making this last for as long as it needs to.

'You need to leave me now. But come back tomorrow?'

I'll get you out, she wants to say. One way or another. I'll fucking try.

Ellie kisses her lips. Quickly. Her arms pull away, and the cold immediately bites when she's further and further from Riley's warm embrace. 'Tomorrow,' she says, voice dry. Knocking her fist against the door, she waits for the guard to let her out. As the lock is turned, she looks back at Riley one last time and tries a smile.

But it doesn't last.

The door opens, and her heart drops to the pit of her stomach. She takes in Riley's lovely face once more, before stepping through. The guard slams the door shut, and it's a heavy sound to her ears. As if punishment waits to be endured.