baseline (beys-lahyn) – 1. a basic standard or level; guideline. 2. a specific value to establish control in future studies.

Baseline

secondhandsaint

3: Dysphoria

The drive back to CHQ had been a quiet and uncomfortable one to say the least. Alphonse sat in the back seat, staring out the window, body tense and expression bordering sorrow and fury. Edward sat in the front seat, hands clutching a rather thick stack of pamphlets of what to expect in her 'change,' pictures of pretty teenage girls smiling up at her. Like her brother, she stared out the window at the buildings blurring past, though seemed numb to her surroundings. Roy had been glancing between the Elrics, sighing in relief at the sight of the dorm building, parking and guiding the two inside. Thankfully it had been midday by the time Edward had been discharged, so by the time they got to the dorms they were all but deserted, their occupants busy with work in the main building.

Pulling out a set of keys, Roy walked to the dorm room the eldest stayed in, unlocking the door and pushing it open. Edward shoved past him and inside, throwing the pamphlets on the coffee table and running to the bathroom, door slamming behind her. Roy blinked and followed Alphonse inside, who sat on the couch with a huff, eyes on the scattered papers and jaw clenched. Setting the keys down, Roy shrugged off his coat, walking over to the kitchenette and flicking the kettle on to make tea. Glancing over his shoulder at Alphonse, he pulled open the cupboard he hoped held the mugs.

"Al, you want some tea?"

The boy remained silent, hands clenched into fists on his knees as he continued to stare at the pamphlets. Through the bathroom door, the sound of the shower turning on filled the silence and Alphonse flinched slightly, lips a thin line. His eyes were fixed on one particular girl on the cover of one paper, whose face vaguely resembled the one that Edward now wore. Sighing, Roy pulled down three mugs, just in case. He set about busying himself around the kitchen when he heard Alphonse mutter something and looked up, shocked.

"Eh? What was that, Al?"

The boy's head shot up, face red and eyes wide as he fixed his stare on Roy. In turn, Roy backed up a step, never once having seen Alphonse with such an intense look upon his face, and it honestly frightened him. Alphonse shook as he spoke, teeth grit.

"Ed sacrificed himself again! It came to another choice between me or him and he chose himself again! I know it!"

Roy wasn't quite sure what to say at Alphonse's outburst, though he didn't really have a chance to reply. Mug in one hand and teabag in the other, he stared dumbly as the younger Elric took another breath and continued on in his rant.

"I know that everything needed to restore Ed was included in the transmutation, so Truth must have wanted something else from us and Ed stupidly put himself in the crossfire again! Now what are we supposed to do? Am I supposed to start calling him 'Sister'?"

Roy was about to answer when he realized that this was not a completely off-base question. Just what were the Elrics supposed to do now? Sighing, he put the mug and bag down, forgetting about the tea for the moment and sitting in the chair across from Alphonse. After a moment's consideration he nodded and looked up at the boy.

"I think he did what he needed to in order to keep you both alive, but-"

He held up a hand as Alphonse went to interrupt him, eyes stern as the boy begrudged having to obey orders from a man who wasn't even his superior officer. Confident that Alphonse wouldn't interrupt again, Roy continued on.

"There's a whole other part of the story that you don't know about yet."

Alphonse's eyes became wide at this and his jaw dropped slightly. The hazel gaze shifted to the door of the bathroom as if staring through it to the person inside. Swallowing hard at this news, Alphonse furrowed his brow and turned back to Roy, hands flat against his knees to steel himself.

"Tell me everything."

Edward waited for the water to heat, running his now flesh right hand under the stream and taking just the slightest satisfaction of being able to feel with his dominant hand for once. The joy faded quickly and he clenched his jaw, pulling his hand back and shaking the water off. Slipping his now gaping red coat off, he was about to strip to get into the shower when his slightly fogged reflection caught his eyes.

It felt like he was looking at some poster or into a bad dream. It made fury stir hot in his gut and rather than breaking a mirror and risking seven years bad luck, he improvised. Throwing the coat up and hooking it onto the light fixture above the mirror, the reflection disappeared and the room bathed in red. Nodding at his work, Edward began to strip, careful to look away when he pulled off his tank top and boxers.

Stepping into the hot stream, Edward all but groaned as the hot water pounded against his sore muscles, body tired from reshaping itself. Tilting his head back he wet his hair down, quickly scrubbing the remnants of three days in hospital from the strands. Rinsing the suds, he reached down and picked up the soap from the ledge. Shutting his eyes tight, he began washing his body, teeth clenched as he tried to ignore the swell of his chest, the way the muscles in his shoulders and arms were still toned but so much smaller, his hips seemed shapelier.

Not willing to skip on hygiene, Edward steeled himself before moving one hand down his stomach, hesitating when his fingertips brushed soft yellow curls. It was just anatomy, for crying out loud! He'd seen this in research before. Hell, he'd even enjoyed seeing it in the adult magazines he had shoved in his bedside dresser. But looking at a naked girl and being one were two very different things.

Edward blinked his eyes open and fixed his stare at the blue tiles across from him. He knew if he hesitated and didn't just get it over with, it would be much worse. He could do this. Biting his lip, he pushed onward. With his body so newly developed, it hurt to touch and the soap wasn't helping. Hissing, he quickly pulled his hand away. Once the sting and sore ache dulled away he continued, glancing down. His male mind immediately registered what was lacking in this female body and despite himself he choked. This wasn't the right anatomy. This wasn't the right body!

Bile pushed up his throat and Edward barely had the time to jump out of the shower and run to the toilet before he heaved. Coughing and spitting, Edward wiped his mouth before stepping back and sitting on the edge of the bathtub. Clenching his eyes shut, he sighed at his own behavior. It was selfish, and he didn't have time for selfish. Al didn't have time for selfish. He would just have to learn to deal. He had to get used to the body, even if it was just as simple as bathing and learning to work in it. He was going to be stuck in it for another ten months, after all.

Opening his eyes, he clenched his jaw, hands pressed again to his lower stomach. It was just anatomy. Repeating it in his head like a mantra, he stepped back into the shower to rinse the soap from his body. Water off, he stepped out, towel drying his hair and rummaging through the hamper in the corner for the baggiest t-shirt and sweatpants he owned.

Roy and Alphonse both looked up when the bathroom door opened, Edward walking out with a pile of clothes in her arms. Two pairs of eyes watched her as she padded over to the bed in the corner, scanning the pajamas that dwarfed her and the wet hair hanging to her butt. Glancing at each other, the two stared as Edward dropped her clothes onto the bed, pulling on a sweater and walking over to the coffee table. Grabbing the pile of scattered pamphlets, Edward walked into the kitchenette, opened the cupboard under the sink and tossed the papers into the trash. Without pause, she stood straight and collected her tea, padding back into the living room to see both staring at her.

"What?"

Roy tapped his fingers on the back of the sofa, wondering briefly how to say what he was about to without causing Edward to fly off the handle. He realized that there really wasn't a delicate way of saying it, so he just did.

"Don't you think it's wise to keep those pamphlets around? You're going to need them to learn about some… feminine issues?"

Edward quirked a delicate brow and stared at him from where she stopped dead at his statement. Shaking it off she sat down next to Al, not at all daintily, and blew on her tea.

"Winry was never shy when it came to sharing about periods and bra sizes. I think I'm caught up."

Roy certainly hadn't been expecting that. He had always figured that the two friends were extremely close, but that they shared that type of intimate information was astounding. Noting the slight blush Edward was trying to hide behind the rim of her mug, Roy decided to drop the issue, though made a mental note to fish the pamphlets out of the trash before he left.

An uncomfortable silence filled the room as the three sat, deciding how to go about discussing the elephant in the room. Roy stared between the brothers (brother and sister?), while they would occasionally glance at each other when they knew they weren't looking. The tension grew and it set Roy's teeth on edge, making him want to shout at the Elrics to just say something. Fidgeting in her seat, Edward finally put her mug down, rubbing her sweaty palms on her knees before turning to her little brother.

"Al… I gotta tell you something about while I was gone. I… I was in the Gate again, Al, and I saw Truth."

Al stiffened, back straight and fists clenched, eyes firmly set on floor. Fear, anger and sadness rolled off of him in waves and it made Edward want to shy away. She hated hurting her brother, making him worry, and she wanted desperately to tell him 'never mind,' that she'd deal with it. But she couldn't keep him in the dark about her mistake when the cost was so high. Glancing as Roy, who nodded, Edward took a breath.

"Al, Truth wants me to finish the payment-"

'For my body, I know."

Blinking, Edward drew back a moment before rounding on Roy, glaring as though he had claimed 'witch' on her.

"You ass!"

Roy held up his hands and slid further into the cushions. Al jumped to his rescue.

"Brother!"

Hearing Al address her as male made just the tiniest flutter of relief and pride swell in Edward's stomach, which was quickly squashed by his scowl. Of all the things Al had learned over the years travelling together with his brother, unfortunately Edward's temper was one.

"Colonel Mustang told me because I asked him to! Now I know that you picked yourself over me to bear the brunt of our stupidity! And that you're female down to the genetic makeup! And that if we don't figure out a way of paying back for my body, we both die! I don't know how the hell we're supposed to do this in ten months, with you a tiny girl and stripped of alchemy!"

Edward had cowered away from his little brother during his rant, eyes downcast and hands fisted in his lap. Roy watched as Al fumed, shoulders rising and falling at the intensity of his breaths, eyes staring at the blonde beside him. Al raised his hands and for a moment he thought that the younger Elric would strike her, but was again surprised as his arms wrapped around Edward, pulling her tight against his chest.

"I'm glad you're alive."

Edward's eyes widened a moment before closing and hugging her brother. Roy nodded, standing and placing his mug in the sink. Pulling his jacket on, he watched as the two parted and began discussing the task at hand, knowing that for the time being they would be alright.

I'm sorry for the late update. Not much going on in this chapter, but the part with Edward in the bathroom is very important. Whenever Edward isn't alone, he is referred to as 'she.' When alone, Edward is a he, as that is what Edward identifies as. This will continue through the fiction.