Chapter 4

Like my grandparents' house, the Cullen's house was very nice – which was expected, of course. I didn't know what Edward and Masen's father did, but both him and Esme had very nice, stable jobs and their home reflected this. Thinking of this made me briefly wonder why Edward was living here, instead of his own place, but of course I would never ask him.

"I also wanted to give my condolences for your grandfather," Dr. Cullen said sweetly. "I didn't know him like Edward and Masen did, but I knew he was a nice man."

"Thank you," I told her, smiling timidly. Dr. Cullen smiled back and turned to Edward. "I'm going to go take a shower – your father should be home soon with Masen."

Edward nodded and Dr. Cullen walked up the steps, leaving me and him alone. I rocked back and forth on the balls of my feet as my heart thundered wildly in my chest at being placed in this position.

"I know I shouldn't talk about therapy with you right now," Edward spoke, making my head snap towards his quickly. "But I just really wanted to say that you did great today."

"Thanks," I mumbled, tucking some hair behind my ear.

"Do you know when your mom is gonna get home?" he asked. I shrugged. "No. She didn't say when, but she'll probably call me when she gets off."

He nodded. "Okay. Want anything to drink?"

"Um… water?" I asked. Edward nodded again and stood to grab a glass. While he was gone, I decided to peek around the living room some more. There were so many family pictures along the walls, on the mantle, and on the accent tables around the room. One really caught my attention, of a young kid who was overweight. He stood next to a slightly younger looking Esme and a man, who I assumed was his father. Surprisingly, there was also another girl in the picture, probably around my age. She had long, blonde hair that curled around the ends and shimmered in the light of the photo. Her eyes were a striking blue and her skin looked smooth and porcelain like. Despite how unnervingly beautiful she was, she didn't look happy at all. She was frowning, and instead of looking straight into the camera like everyone else, she was looking off and down, as if submerged into a train of thought unsettling to her.

My eyes bounced around the other frames to see if she was in any other photos. There was another one of a little girl, maybe seven or eight, with shimmery pigtails and a bright, toothless smile. Besides those two, none of the other pictures featured the girl.

"You okay?"

Edward's sudden reappearance made me jump. I looked at him, standing by the arch leading towards the kitchen and a glass of water in his hand. "Um, yeah. Sorry."

"No, you're fine. You just look, I don't know. Confused."

"I'm okay," I insisted, just as my phone rang. I answered the phone immediately, knowing it was Renee.

"Bella? Where are you?"

"Um, next door. I didn't have a key," I replied.

I could practically hear the breath gush out of her mouth. "And is there a particular reason why you didn't contact me? I walk into the house and expect you to be there, too, but you weren't."

"I know. I'm sorry, mom," I apologized. Renee sighed. "It's fine, I suppose."

"Okay. I'll see you in a minute."

I looked at Edward with a grateful smile. "Thanks for letting me come in here for a minute."

"No problem," he said, smiling. He went to open the door for me and I stepped out. "See you tomorrow."

"See you," I responded, waving as I stepped onto my stoop. Mom had just come to the door and opened it for me.

"Hey," I said, stepping inside.

"Hi," she sighed, rubbing her temples. "You know, next time you need to just think before doing things. I walked into the house and you weren't there… what the hell am I supposed to think, Bella?"

I frowned, surprised at how upset she was. "I was right next door, mom. It's not like I tried to kill myself."

"Yeah, because that would be so far-fetched," she said bitterly. I looked at her with furrowed eyebrows and I'm sure a hurt look masking my face at her words. Instead of looking at me, she was looking at her phone, scrolling through whatever work-related shit.

"Good night," I mumbled before turning towards the steps and jogging to my room. Even thought she would hate it, when I got to my room, I slammed the door shut and slid down it, onto the floor. Silence enveloped me in the empty, hollow room as I sat looking at nothing and wanting my brain – wanting everything – to turn off. But my emotions, my thoughts, they buzzed around in my body like a persistent parasite, sucking out what little life I had in me.

The phone vibrated in my pocket and I fished it out. Angela had replied to my text.

A friend?! That's great! They'll never be as cool as me though just so you know ;) And a small world indeed. Are you happy there?

Am I happy there? I'm not even happy here, in my new home, in my own room. But I didn't want her to worry.

Yes, I'm happy.

I'm glad, Bella. I'm going to get some rest. Goodnight! xo

Goodnight

I turned my phone off and rested my forehead against my knees. I could practically feel the food from earlier sitting in my stomach, taking up the cramped space that I'd allowed my body to become accustomed to. I considered making myself throw up, but I didn't have a private bathroom and if mom caught me, she'd start making me go to the bathroom and shower with the door open again.

Instead of suffering in my own mind, I decided to crawl into bed and go to sleep.

The day until my next session was just an uneventful blur. I didn't go on a run today, so I just sat home and stared at the TV screen as different shows popped up onto the screen. When mom came home from work, we barely spoke as she drove me to the center.

"We have another session with Dr. Cope today. To discuss how the last two sessions have been or you," mom said when she parked. "I wanted to talk to you first, though, since we haven't really had time."

"Okay," I mumbled.

"I'm paying a lot of money for this center, Bella. A lot. This time cannot be a failure – you cannot be a failure. So, honestly, tell me how you've been these past two days. How were the sessions?"

"They were…" I swallowed. "Hard. Not really group, that was kind of okay. But eating with the nutritionist, well, that was really difficult."

"As it should be. I'm glad they do it, though. You need that kind of push, which is why I'm always so hard on you," she shared. "Okay, let's go inside now."

As I walked in, I saw Alice right away. I smiled and waved timidly at her, which she responded to kindly before disappearing into a room.

"Is that a friend?" mom asked. I nodded. "Great. Just make sure you make the right friends – they cannot be another Victoria."

"Mom, I know," I said, a bit surprised she brought Victoria up.

Her eyebrow rose as her gaze pinned me down. "Do you, though?" I had to look away from her simmering stare and wrapped the fabric of my cardigan around my knuckles. "Bella?"

"Yes," I mumbled lowly. I'm not stupid. Stop condescending me.

"Good."

Dr. Cope emerged minutes later. She smiled at us both before ushering us inside the room that we'd been in before.

"So," she started off, dragging out a clipboard. "Typically, we do check-ups like this sporadically throughout your treatment here. This one is just for me to get a feel with how you're adjusting, or maybe if you're not adjusting at all."

"Okay," I said, nodding.

"So, Ms. Higginbottom, this isn't really one you'd really need to partake in. I like for the parents to sit in, if the patient is comfortable, but it isn't necessary," Dr. Cope said.

Renee waved her comment off. "Bella wants me here, so you can proceed."

Dr. Cope's smile was almost a bit tight before she turned to me. "Right. I'd just like to hear it from Bella." Renee's eyes also swiveled to meet mine and I looked at the ground. "It's okay," I mumbled quietly. I heard Dr. Cope take in a short breath.

"Okay. Well, how about we just start with you telling me how the past two days have been."

I looked at her. "Well… the group sessions are okay. Dr. Cullen didn't force me to tell my story aloud just yet, so – "

"Well, why can't you share that?" Renee demanded, frowning. "Honestly, Bella. You need to stop with the childish behavior and confront your problems. How are you supposed to overcome them if you can't even speak about it?"

Dr. Cope frowned. "Ms. Higginbottom, I'm glad that you want to be in here, but I need to hear from Bella during this session. Please, continue Bella."

"Uh…" I looked at Renee, who's eyes were narrowed and she had somewhat of an annoyed look on her face. "Um, well, I was saying that Dr. Cullen didn't make me speak aloud to everyone about why I'm here, but I did participate the first day talking about other people's, um, conditions." Renee snorted softly and my shoulders began to tense up. "And the drawing session yesterday was okay, I guess. I shared my picture aloud. Um, but eating with the nutritionist was hard."

Dr. Cope nodded and smiled softly at me. "Dr. Cullen typically waits until you're comfortable to share your whole story with everyone, because it is completely understandable if you're not ready to share yet. But even if you didn't share your whole story, you still talked in in front of everyone about your artwork, which is just as amazing." I nodded as she said this and as a blood pooled in my cheeks, not use to the praise in such a simplistic thing. "Can you tell me more about your time with the nutritionist?"

"Well, I just find it hard to eat in front of people. So, um… it was just an emotional thing for me to do."

"You eat fine in front of me," Renee brought up, her tone accusatory. I swallowed, thinking about the time when I didn't want to and she practically had to shove the food down my throat. "You force me eat in front of you," I basically spat, surprising myself with how easily that slipped out. I couldn't even meet her eyes, but the tension in the room suddenly grew even tenser.

I shifted uncomfortably and Dr. Cope sighed. "Actually, Ms. Higginbottom, I think I would like to speak with Bella privately for a moment."

"Fine. I can't listen to this bullshit any longer, anyway. If I find out this center is enabling her, I am pulling her and my money out just as quickly as I brought her in," Renee threatened before standing and walking out.

"Sorry," I apologized. Dr. Cope smiled. "No, you can't help the way your mother acts. Some parents just don't get it and the confusion turns into hostility and borderline verbal abuse." She jotted something down on her board quickly before looking up at me. "Now – let's really begin. I want to talk about your mother."

"Um… okay."

"Like I said, your mother's behavior is very hostile. How does that aggression towards you make you feel?"

"Like shit," I murmured. "I mean, I know I deserve it. Countless medical bills, countless treatment centers… a lot of her time wasted on me all because I can't eat." As I started talking, my eyes started to well up in tears and I tried to catch them before they fell over onto my cheeks, but there were so many of them. "I'm not really surprised that she hates me, I just… it hurts."

"You really think she hates you?" Dr. Cope asked softly.

I nodded. "Yes. I mean… why not? I'm a problem. I'm like… hammering jelly to a wall. I just won't cooperate and I want to, but… I can't."

"How about we tack on a 'yet' at the end of that sentence, yeah? Don't say you can't, Bella… because you are strong. And I also think that your mom loves you so much – more than you think. She loves you because she wants the best for you, yet, she's also frustrated because she can't help you past taking you to your treatments and making sure you eat. You just need to keep being strong and make sure that you're helping yourself."

The meeting with Dr. Cope didn't take much longer. We talked a little bit more about Renee and then Dr. Cope asked me if I was excited about getting better, to which I said yes to.

When I walked into group, everyone was sitting and facing each other. Jasper was speaking, his eyes down to the floor. "I was seventeen. I had just collapsed, but the worst part was that I was in a staircase at school. I fell down the stairs and broke a few bones because they'd gotten so brittle. I had to stay in the hospital for a while and I wouldn't speak to anyone. They put me on suicide watch and few me through a tube because I didn't want to eat. It caused my father to drink even more. One day, he was just incredibly drunk, but he got into the car with my mom anyway. It took five minutes on the road for them to crash and for my mom and… a ten-year-old girl… to die instantly. I don't even think she knew he was really drunk, because she wouldn't have gotten into the car. He was charged with vehicular homicide and sentenced to jail." Jasper let out a breath and ran a hand through his hair as tears fell down his cheeks. "I know that you guys tell me it isn't my fault, but it is. If I was normal, my mother would still be alive, my father wouldn't be in jail and that girl would have been fifteen right now." He took a long, deep breath in before looking up. "And so that was the worst point in my life caused by my disorder."

"Thank you for sharing that, Jasper," Dr. Cullen said somberly. "It was incredibly brave of you. Does anyone have anything to say to Jasper?"

Alice raised her hand. "It's not your fault, Jasp. You didn't put the bottle in your father's hands– he chose to. You didn't make him get behind the wheel, either. It's not your fault." She was sitting beside him and placed a hand over his. He smiled softly and Dr. Cullen was smiling as well. "Thank you, Alice. Anyone else?"

"I agree," Bree spoke up. "I think Alice put what we're all thinking into words."

Dr. Cullen nodded and turned to me. "Bella? Would you like to share? You came in a bit later, but we're just discussing about the lowest or worst part you've experienced while living with your disorder."

I really didn't, but, Renee was right, no matter how harsh her words were. I needed to confront my issues. "Um, okay. Well… when I was about seventy-five pounds or so when I was eighteen, during my senior year of high school. It wasn't a particular moment that was the worst, but a time period. My teachers noticed how much weight I lost before my mother did and when they called her… well, I still remember the look on her face. She looked frightened, almost. I don't know if she was frightened by how, I guess, disgusting I must have looked, or if she was frightened by the fact that I could die. Whichever it was, she took me to the hospital and I was fed through an NG tube, uh, just like Jasper. Then, I did about six months in an inpatient care facility, but it didn't help much. I was depressed and just… um, well, I wanted to give up. I didn't like who I was and I wasn't interested in seeing tomorrow."

It was the first time I spoke about how much I thought of suicide at that time. Sure, depression was brought up during my therapy sessions, but whenever I was asked if I thought about self-harm, I always answered no.

"Um, I guess I was just too scared to do anything about it, though. And, well… that's it, I guess."

Dr. Cullen nodded. "Thank you for sharing, Bella. Does anyone want to say anything?"

"Well, I just want to say that I feel like you've come a long way," Alice said. "I mean, from what you described. Seventy-five pounds is really light, so you seem a lot healthier now and you look amazing."

Maggie raised her hand. "I agree. I was depressed for so long and hand the same thoughts, but it's nice when you feel like life is finally worth living, right?"

I smiled a bit. "Yeah. Yeah, it does."

When the eating portion of the day came, my mood fell south – but I would be strong about it. I'm going to eat without tearing up or feeling bad about myself.

Edward smiled at me as I sat down in my seat and I returned it.

"Good evening, everyone. As you probably all guessed, you will be eating what you put on the list of food you ate. We'll make it a fun game. For every food item you eat, you get a chance to pick a raffle. The winner with the winning ticket will win a prize."

"Oooh," Alice hummed beside me.

"Now, a lot of you put junk on your lists – which is totally fine. After you eat small portions of stuff on your list, you're still going to be required to eat a meal. Everyone cool so far?" When we gave him an affirmative answer, he moved on. "Alright. Let's start."

Edward pulled out the papers from yesterday. "Peter, looks like you're first. And your first item is a cookie, so… I brought a pack of Oreos for you." Peter nodded and stood to take the snack. Edward handed him the rest of his stuff, which included a Twinkie and a half of a grilled cheese sandwich. After Peter, Edward went through the rest of the papers. Alice got list a snickers bar, a half a burger, and white toast. Maggie put down a bagel, potato chips, and donut. Jasper put down fries, bacon and a cupcake. Bree put on her list, a cupcake as well, some type of candy bar and French fries. When Edward finally called me up, I accepted my candy bar, Pop Tart and French fries.

"Okay, so, just to remind you so you're not all sending me dentist bills – you do not have to eat all three items. I know they're all bad for you, but I think this is a good exposure so you know that it's okay to indulge every once in a while, as long as it's in moderation. So, you can all start if you want."

I turned to my items and sighed disdainfully.

"Ugh, I don't think I can even look at the burger," Alice said. "White bread, with ketchup and mayo. I mean…"

"Yeah," I agreed. "I think I'll just eat one tonight." I didn't know which to choose, though. I just decided to pick up the Pop Tart and broke off a small piece to put into my mouth. As soon as it touched my tongue, I had a strong urge to spit it out, but I forced myself to chew until I swallowed.

"Nice work," Edward praised as he came over to our table. "You as well, Alice." I turned my head to see that she was chomping on the burger. I raised my eyebrows and she smiled sheepishly. "It's the hardest thing for me to eat on the plate, so I wanted to challenge myself."

Edward grinned. "That's great. Remember, you don't have to eat everything, though."

Alice nodded and then Edward walked away. I surprisingly finished my Pop Tart quicker than I expected, and was even more surprised to realize that it hadn't been all that bad.

"You're okay?" Alice asked, smiling. I nodded, taking in a deep breath and letting my own smile take over my face. "Yeah. I really am."

Thoughts?

I also wanted to address the fact that I'm not a therapist, as you most likely know, but I did attend therapy for reasons that aren't the same as Bella's disorder, so I'm just trying to display how my therapist came across to me, despite the very different situations. Even more than that, I'm not entirely sure what goes on in an anorexia group session either, I just loosely based this center off of a center I found online that does group sessions and it also has a nutritionist work with outpatients three days a week in the evenings. If you wanted to know, it's called The Renfrew Center and is actually located in Philadelphia, as well as many other states and cities, although the one in Philly is completely residential. But like I said, it's only loosely based off of the actual center.

Anyhow, tell me your thoughts in a review :)