Warning: Brief mentions of torture

Rose knew that the Doctor was tired, but even she was surprised at how quickly he had fallen asleep. She had been rubbing his chest for all of a minuet before she could tell he was asleep. She couldn't remember the last time that he had slept and she was glad he had given in. She hoped that he woke with a better attitude and outlook on the situation.

Rose took the Doctor's shoes off and pulled the blanket over him before leaving the bedroom. She walked around the hotel room, checking out their surroundings a little more. It was obvious that this place was made to help people relax. Rose looked through the kitchen, finding exorbitant amounts of alcohol and candy, though not much real food. Rose looked at the alcohol with an internal smile; maybe she could get the Doctor to actually toss back a few while they were here. The only time that she had seen him drink was when Jack had been traveling with them; he was a terrible lightweight when it came to drinking and he was a rather friendly drunk, much to Jack's delight. Rose had laughed like an idiot at the sight of Jack and the Doctor waltzing across the TARDIS console room before passing out herself.

Rose walked from the kitchen back to the bathroom. The bathroom here had nothing on the TARDIS bathroom, of course, but it was very nice. It had a massive walk in shower and a huge, whirlpool tub that had steps down into it. Unlit candles lined the edge, ready for a romantic soak. Rose thought briefly about taking a bath in the tub before settling on the shower instead. She was pretty exhausted herself and she really just wanted a quick wash down before bed. She shed her clothes and stepped into the shower, big enough for two….or more. She was impressed by the large array of soaps and oils in the shower and she emerged smelling better than she probably ever had before. As she dried off she was struck by what to wear to bed; it was not a common dilemma she had. The TARDIS made everything they needed, clothes included. Right now, though they had just literally the clothes on their back. Rose didn't want to put her dirty clothes back on but she also didn't want to push the Doctor by having him wake up to her sleeping naked next to him. She settled on her t-shirt and knickers, leaving the rest of her clothes in the bathroom. She walked back to the bedroom, the sun having set the rest of the way. Rose closed the curtains on the large window before crawling into bed beside the Doctor.

Thoughts swirled in Rose's head and tried to keep her fatigued mind awake. She'd been alarmed by the TARDIS' intrusion into her mind and the way she had forced them to stay here. She didn't understand why she wanted them here; maybe there was some unseen danger the Doctor needed to fix. Rose was trying not to think about it much. It was best to focus on the good things around them rather than the bad. And being on a wonderfully beautiful planet that tried in every way to make people comfortable and relaxed was really not the worst thing that could happen.

…

Rose jerked awake from her sleep hours later, suddenly on the alert. The room was mostly still dark, a sliver of sunlight coming through the blinds as the suns began to barely peak over the horizon. Rose's heart was racing and her eyes fought to adjust to the light, struggling to see something in the pitch black room. She could feel movement in the bed and as her eyes finally adjusted to the light she could see the Doctor thrashing around in the bed, in the throws of an obvious nightmare. His eyes were clenched, he was tangled in the sheets and he was making the most pitiful sound that she had ever come from him. It was like a small cry, more like a whimper, like even in his sleep he couldn't bear to let anyone hear him upset. It made Rose want to cry.

Not being able to stand the sight of the Doctor in such obvious distress, Rose shook him forcefully to free him from the nightmare. The Doctor continued to thrash for a minute before he jerked awake out of the nightmare. He sat straight up in bed, gasping for air. "Rose…..where are you?!" His voice came out strained and panicked. Rose hadn't ever heard him sound that way before.

Rose grabbed onto his hand gently so not to startle him. "I'm right here, Doctor" she said quietly. "We're in a hotel, remember? I'm right here next to you" she said.

As quickly as the vulnerable moment came, it was gone just as quickly as the Doctor composed himself. "Yes…..yes, I remember" he said, his voice more normal and even.

Rose gave the Doctor's hand a squeeze. "Are you alight, Doctor?" she asked. She was unsettled by his nightmare, knowing that it had to be terrible, whatever it was.

She was a little startled when the Doctor snatched his hand away from hers as he got out of the bed, obviously eager to brush off the incident as if it didn't happen. "I'm fine. Of course I'm alright" he said, a slight edge to his tone.

"Did you have a nightmare?" Rose asked cautiously. She didn't want to push him to talk but she got the impression he was ready to run, as he so often did when he didn't want to discuss something.

"I said I was fine" The Doctor said, anger tingeing his tone. Rose knew it wasn't really directed at her but she recoiled slightly. "I'm…..I'm going to go take a walk" he said hurriedly before slipping out the sliding door in the bedroom and walking onto the beach. Rose watched him go, laying back down in bed, knowing sleep would be impossible now. She stared up at the ceiling as the room became increasingly lighter and lighter, worrying about the Doctor. She knew something was bothering him; she knew that he was not alright like he always claimed he was. But for some reason he was holding back and wouldn't tell her. Rose rolled over on her side and hugged the pillow to her that the Doctor had been using. It smelled like him and she buried her face in it, wishing, as she often did these days that she was not alone in bed. She and the Doctor had both experienced the same loss; they had both lost their child. She had hoped that that meant that they could lean on each other in their hurt; it seemed that the Doctor had other plans.

….

The Doctor regretted almost immediately running out of the room without so much as his shoes. The suns had barely come up and yet the sand and sidewalks were hot beneath his bare feet. He was hardly the only one with no shoes on though, and no one seemed to pay him much as attention as he fought to adjust to walking on the hot sand. He ignored everything and everyone around him, only having one purpose in mind; the TARDIS.

The Doctor was glad when he saw the TARDIS sitting on the deserted edge of the beach where they had left it yesterday. He didn't exactly have any illusions that he would be able to get inside the TARDIS but he had to be near her, even if it was just to sit outside of her. He walked up to the blue wooden doors and wasn't surprised when they did not open. He didn't have the energy to be angry at her or wonder what was wrong with her. He was too tired and weary to do anything but fall down on the sand beside her.

The Doctor leaned against the blue wood, trying to soak up some small amount of comfort from her but there was none. He stared out across the ocean as the suns fully made their way into the sky and tried to forget the awful nightmare.

He hadn't ever wanted Rose to witness one of his nightmares; she would worry about him which he didn't need and certainly didn't deserve. The nightmares were of his own creation and she didn't need to waste a part of her delicate heart worrying about him. He also didn't want her to see it because she would then know something was wrong and no doubt nag him to talk about it. He didn't want to talk to her about it; telling her about his nightmares would reveal just how terrible he was. She would run away from him; or worse, she would hate him for it.

The Doctor knew Rose was hurting; he could feel it in her every night she went to sleep alone. She longed for his comfort and presence and he couldn't give her that right now. He felt her sadness each time she saw a baby and knew her mind drifted to the sudden loss of her own baby. He knew this because that was exactly where his own mind went. It hurt to think of their son and what it might have been like to have him in their arms now and instead of their hearts. As much sadness and loss Rose was feeling she didn't have the added burden he had of knowing that it was his fault their son had died.

Rose would tell him that it wasn't his fault their baby had died; she would, and had told him that he had done everything that he could to save them. He'd left Rose at the worst possible time because he had to. He'd had to leave her and deal with the Dalek threat that sought Rose and his son's lives. All of that was true but what Rose didn't know was that the part he hid from her, the part he relived in his nightmares was the part that made it his fault.

The Doctor laid his head on his knees and closed his eyes as the ever present memories flooded his brain.

The Doctor's hands were slick with blood, mostly his own….so far….as he walked among the scattered derbies of the Dalek's outer casing. He walked slowly toward the helpless, pathetic body of the Dalek, lying on the ground making a gasping, strangled sound. "Mercy…..have mercy" he squeaked out desperately.

Anger and fury burned through the Doctor like a fire through his veins. He had lost most of his anger and rage; Rose had caused him to hold it back. He had thought that part of him had died but the evidence in his hearts right now was that the full force of the Oncoming Storm was alive and fully awake. His hate and rage at this creature, at his entire race boiled inside him with such strength that he feared it might consume him. In that moment, that Dalek represented his entire people, the ones who had killed everyone the Doctor had ever know, who had forced him to commit genocide on his own people, the ones who were now trying to take his new family from him. Dark hatred burned behind the Doctor's eyes. There would be no mercy today.

The Doctor walked slowly, calculating, toward the pathetic carcass of the Dalek; it would be so easy to end it right here, right now. But he didn't want it to be that easy. He walked until he reached the Dalek, pressing his boot to its broken tentacles. He cried out from the pain, but to the Doctor it wasn't enough. He knew in that moment he was not the Doctor, not the one who knew how to stop. He was something else, something he didn't want to stop. "Mercy?" The Doctor asked, taunting in his voice, danger in his eyes. "You of all people want mercy from me?" He pressed his foot down hard until he heard what remained unbroken in the Dalek's body snap.

"Make it a fast death" the Dalek almost begged, tortured sounds issuing from him.

The Doctor laughed, a cold mirthless laugh; not even he recognized the sound of it. "Make it fast? Why would I do that?" he asked. This Dalek had come to him, had threated the life of Rose, the life of his child…wanted to take everything that he had away from him and he dared to ask for mercy? Anger in such extreme measure burst through his mind and he channeled it toward the mind of the Dalek in front of him. Screaming, calls of pure agony broke from the Dalek as the force of the Doctor's mind burst into his and shredded it. It was the worst way in which to inflict pain upon someone. Had there been other time lords, he would not go unpunished for this. But he was the last of the time lords. There were no rules left for him.

The Doctor didn't pull back, didn't stop until he could feel the Dalek on the verge of death. He wasn't ready to stop that soon. "How about that? Is that mercy enough for you?!" The Doctor screamed down at the helpless form of his most hated enemy.

He was not surprised that the Dalek did nothing much mumbled incoherently in response. His body and mind were in shreds. "Did you have any idea who you were messing with?!" the Doctor thundered. "I am the Doctor…..surely you know what that means"

The Doctor could feel the force of his anger and blood lust gain speed and let it unleash toward the Dalek again. He focused on the very centers of the brain that created pain and tore them apart. The screaming should have hurt his ears but it didn't; it only fueled him. "You don't get off easy!" The Doctor thundered as he pulled back yet again. The Dalek was barely alive under his torturous hits. He could tell the next hit would kill him and he was going to make it count. "You threatened my entire existence! I had nothing…..nothing because of your people. Rose and my son are what make me alive…..take that from me and you get this!" The Doctor summoned all the strength he had, every ounce of hate and anger and shot it at the Dalek's mind, ripping it from the inside out.

The Doctor lifted his head, his hearts beating fast and tears at the corners of his eyes. He forced himself not to cry; this was hardly the place or time. He rubbed at his eyes and stared out at the water. How could he ever tell Rose? She'd be terrified of him…he was terrified of himself.

The Doctor had many sins in his past that he could never forget, ones that haunted him. But this was the worst. Not only had he lost the man that he had fought so hard to become, the one that didn't hurt, didn't kill, didn't love the feeling of causing pain in others, but it was his own lust for torcher that had killed his son. He could have killed the Dalek and been done with it quickly; that alone would be enough to think about in the darkness at night. But he had wasted valuable time torchering the Dalek when he should have been home. Had he gotten back sooner he might have done something to save his son. It was his fault that he died.

The Doctor sat beside his TARDIS for a long time, wallowing in self-pity and hatred. He knew he'd been gone a long time and he needed to return to Rose. She would be worried about him and he didn't want to cause her to worry.

The Doctor leaned his head against the wood of the TARDIS. "Why'd you have to go and do this?" he asked exasperatedly to his ship. "Things were going fine until you dumped Rose and I on this planet….a romantic resort of all things…just like a woman, too….." He was half expecting a mental nudge from the ship at his jab but he felt none. Maybe it was because she knew as well as he did that he was lying. Things weren't going fine; he and Rose's lives were in shambles right now, all his doing. They couldn't heal from the hurt because the Doctor couldn't let go. He couldn't let go because if he did Rose would leave him forever.

The Doctor stood up, brushing the sand off himself before walking back slowly to the hotel. It was midmorning by now and the suns were definitely hot now. Even with his lowered temperature, he was beginning to burn in this heat. He walked through the quiet part of the beach behind the hotel and slipped through the back door into the bedroom. He was not surprised to see that Rose was no longer there. He walked past the bedroom and found Rose sitting at the island in the kitchen, drinking something that smelled somewhat similar to coffee. She looked up from her mug and immediately noticed his entrance into the kitchen. He expected her to comment on his childish run from the room and his long absence but she didn't. That was always worse.

The Doctor took the seat next to Rose and looked over at the mug. "Coffee?" he asked, wanting to do anything to break the silence.

Rose looked down at the mug before staring at the Doctor. Debated crossed her face as if she didn't know whether to press him on the nightmare or to leave it alone. He was glad that she decided to not press it. "It looked like coffee…..before I made it" Rose said, scrunching her nose at the drink. "It doesn't taste at all like coffee though. Kind of like the ice cream"

The Doctor swiped the mug and took a drink. Honestly it tasted wonderful to him, though it wasn't coffee. "I think your taste buds are broken…..this is fantastic" he said with enthusiasm.

Rose laughed, making the Doctor glow inside. He loved it when she smiled and hated when she was upset. "If you say so Doctor…..honestly though I think you must just like some weird stuff"

"I do" The Doctor joked. "I like you, don't I?" He waited for the punch and was not surprised when Rose punched his arm a second later. "Hey!" she said at his joke. She pretended to be offended but the Doctor and she were laughing mere seconds later. Maybe this day was not a lost cause after all.