Chapter Four
"She was captured by death eaters and put through the Cruciatius curse." He looked away blinking his own tears away. "Moody managed to locate their location, but we got there too late." He shook his head. "She's in a bad state in Skt. Mungos now. The healers have informed me that nothing can be done for her."
"This is your fault." Minerva pulled her hand away from his, but kept her voice calm. "You made sure she knew how much you counted on her. You made it impossible for her to say no to the jobs you gave her."
"I know," he hung his head and for the first time ever she saw weakness in him. "You can never know how much I blame myself."
"Is she at Skt. Mungos now?" She got up from the couch not able to look at him.
"Yes," he nodded. "But…"
"I will go see her." She put on her coat and went to the fireplace. "She's all I've got to live for Albus. Or rather, she was all I had to live for." She threw a handful of green powder into the fire and stepped into it and in the heat of the fire the first tear finally fell – she had lost her love, her life, in a heartbeat.
She regretted that she had accused Albus of being the reason for Victoria being hurt, and yet she didn't. All she had said that evening was true. The blonde couldn't say no to Dumbledore's requests, but the truth was also that she wouldn't have wanted to either. Deep down Minerva knew that there was only one person, if he could be called a person, who was responsible and that was Lord Voldemort. That and that alone was the reason that she had joined the Order again a second time. She wanted to avenge the people she had lost in the first war, Victoria most of all.
The healer had been very gentle when he explained that there was nothing they could do for Victoria, and even gentler when he lead her to her room and opened the door for her. She only hesitated a second before stepping in. No words could have prepared her for the sight of her beloved lying motionless in the bed as if just sleeping peacefully. Somehow she had expected more drama or at least cuts and bruises, but all she saw was the same beautiful face. She stepped gingerly up to the bed and reached out to caress Tory's cheek gently. Her skin was warm to the touch and yet it inspired no hope in her. She knew the facts and she knew when to believe in facts.
"Oh darling," she sighed. "My sweet, sweet darling." She hadn't realized that tears had started falling, but as she did realize she didn't bother wiping them away. For once she allowed herself to break just a little, for once she just sat down and cried – and for the first time in four years no one was there to put strong arms around her and hold her tight.
It had been months before Victoria had woken up, but it hadn't changed a thing. She had no memory and no speech. It had broken Minerva's heart all over again, and she had discovered that despite all the facts, she had held up hope that if only Tory woke up everything would be fine again. She caressed the locket around her neck again. The day she'd realized that Tory would never be back, was the day she had placed a lock of the blonde hair, she had loved so much, inside the locket, and since that day she had never taken off the locket.
About six months after that dreadful night, she had once again been summoned to Dumbledore's office. This time she wasn't feeling nervous, in fact she wasn't feeling much at all. She hadn't been able to since seeing Victoria motionless in a bed at Skt. Mungos. She had taught her classes without neglect, but not with the same passion as before. She sighed deeply before knocking the door.
"Enter," Dumbledore's voice called through the door.
"You wanted to see me," she said as she entered the office.
"Yes, Professor," he nodded and asked her to sit down. "How is she doing?" He asked eyes filled with compassion.
"There has been no change," she answered, "as I think you know as well as I do."
"Yes, you're right." He folded his hands on the desk and looked down at them. "I hope, despise the fact that this has happened to Victoria, that you won't leave…"
"The Order?" She interrupted before he finished speaking. "Your precious order!! That is all that matters, isn't it?" She got up from the chair she was sitting in. "But don't you worry about that, I am still in The Order, and I will stay in The Order until I have made sure that the people who… hurt her has paid the price for it."
"I meant to say The School, Minerva." He said gently. "I hope you will stay on and teach even if…" He paused. "Even if Victoria will not be back here again."
"Oh," she sat down in surprise. "I... I had not thought about leaving the school." She answered truthfully. "Teaching is all I know how to do."
"Good," Dumbledore smiled sadly.
They sat a few minutes in silence and Minerva had the strange feeling that Dumbledore was working up the courage to tell her something more. That in itself was strange, since she had never known him to hesitate and especially not in talking to her.
"I…" He finally broke the silence, but paused. "The school," he began again. "The school needs a new deputy headmistress." He looked up at her. "And I would like to offer you the position."
"I see," she looked over at Fawkes to avoid the guilt of having shown in his eyes.
"You are the one on staff most qualified for the position and the most capable." He explained.
"And the one of us you feel you owe the most." She added looking back at him.
"You are," he agreed. "But that is not the reason you are being offered the job." He looked back down at his folded hands. "I can never fully apologize or explain how sorry I am about what happened to Victoria. And I can never ask for your forgiveness. I hope I will have years to find a way for you to trust me again and to gain your friendship yet again." He looked up with tears threatening to spill. "But I am not and will never put my own interests before the interests of this school. You are the one most capable. You have been in mourning and still you have taught all your classes and taught them well. That shows great dedication to teaching and it shows me, it shows all of us privy to your personal loss, that you are a very strong person and the right person for the job."
"I will have to think about it." She got up from the chair and walked to the door. "You will have my answer within the next week." She left the office without looking back.
She got up from her chair and walked to the window again staring into the darkness. She had accepted the position and she had held it ever since. It had not been easy taking over Victoria's old job, but she had done it without fuss and with only a few tears. She had dutifully visited the Blonde at least twice a week, but there was still no change in her condition. It had been hard, excruciatingly hard, and in some ways it still was. She had indeed over time forgiven Dumbledore in heart as well as mind. She had known for a long time that he was not really to blame, that there had always been a choice both for the blonde and for the ones that hurt her, but it had taken longer for her heart to understand that truth. It had taken longer, because if she fully accepted it, she would have no one to blame and where would that lead her?
She knocked gently on the door of Dumbledore's office and waited to his 'enter' before opening the door.
"Professor McGonagall?" He looked surprised to see her. "How may I help you this evening?" He put down the scroll of parchment he was reading and turned his attention fully on her.
"I…" She stopped, unable to form the sentence. She sat down opposite him and tried starting over. "I have so many words unsaid." She looked him in the eyes. "So many things I never had the time to tell Tory. Sometimes I wonder if I actually did tell her how much I love her…"
"She…" He started to interrupt her but stopped talking when she held up a hand to silence him.
"I know that she knew, but did I tell her enough? I never let her know how much my parents cared for her or that blue was my favorite color on her. There are just so many things that I never got to tell her." She paused and looked up at him. "I don't want to have that happen again, so I am here tonight to tell you that I have forgiven you. I am here to let you know that it was never your fault, so that forgiveness is not really mine to give. But if you need it, you have it fully."
"Thank you, Minerva." He blinked away the tears in his eyes. "That is more that I deserve."
"It isn't." She stated.
They sat in silence for a few minutes again. This time Minerva was the one to break it.
"I have changed since I lost her." She said lost in thought. "And I will never be that person again. I can be your friend and I can care some for you, but I am not sure that I can let anyone fully into my heart again – a friend or a lover."
"I am sorry." He looked intently at her, knowing that she was speaking the truth.
"I will never be sorry for having had her in my life." She looked up. "I loved her with all that I was – I still love her and I will always love her."
She dried away the tears falling down her cheek with the sleeve of her robe and continued starting into the darkness. As much as she had wanted them not to be her words then had been true. She had never found another one to love, she hadn't even found someone who could make her feel only half as loved as Victoria.
In the years following this conversation she and Albus had formed a new friendship, a friendship on more equal footing than the old one. She had no longer been the young witch practically worshipping the wizard, but a woman who had seen the weakness in the man. She had stayed in The Order and she had accepted missions that her old self would have never considered and then one night it had all been over. Lord Voldemort had been destroyed by a small boy and the war was over.
She had been devastated when she'd heard the news about Lily and James Potter and their poor little boy Harry. She had been sitting on a wall, in her cat form, all day waiting for Albus to show up at the Dursley's house. She frowned at the thought of that family. They had never treated the poor boy right, but Albus had been right, it had been the only option to leave him there. She had met with Dumbledore the next day in his office.
"This was not your fault, Albus." She paced the office slowly. "You offered to be the secret keeper, but they refused and used Sirius Black instead. You cannot blame yourself for their death."
"It is hard not to. They were young and had just started their life together." He was, as usual, sitting behind his desk with his hands folded.
"At least both of them died." She stated sharply before catching herself. She turned towards the desk. "I didn't mean that." She said, "at least not in the way that it sounded."
"I know," he smiled sadly at her. "I know that, Minerva."
The silence rose between them as she continued pacing the length of the office and he continued staring at his hands, both lost in thought.
"And Sirius Black of all people!" Minerva exclaimed. "I would never in a million years have believed that he would have betrayed them. I still don't. How could he have done that to his best friends?"
"All the evidence points to him having done so," she had never heard him sounding so tired. "We may have won the war for now, but was it worth all the losses?" He wondered out loud.
"It never is." She said shortly, sitting down opposite him. "What will we do now?" She asked.
"We will celebrate that Voldemort is gone for now and continue living our lives." He answered.
"For now?" She asked. "Will he be back?"
"I fear that he will, yes." Dumbledore nodded. "But for now all we can do is wait, wait and hope that I am wrong."
"But you are not." Minerva smiled wryly. "You hardly ever are."