A/N I'm not too fond of that angel battle, it just doesn't feel like Kyon was in character, but then again he's used to the absurd, isn't he? I don't know anymore... oh well. I guess that since I added what I thought of as interesting tactics, I will have to outdo myself with each Angel battle, I do have something very interesting in mind for a later battle, not sure which yet, but here's a little tiny hint: "Ku-Go" Asuka isn't coming for a while, but when she does, I am interested in what will happen when she interacts with Haruhi, who will be showing up much sooner, my theory is something...(twitch, gasp)Terrible! But what I'm more interested in is her reaction to Kyon. He's not a spineless wimp at all(no offense Shinji fans), and he'll fight back if he has to. Will she respect him(at least somewhat more than Shinji), or will she hate him? Time will tell, time will tell.

This chapter is where things will slow down quite a bit, and you may have noticed a few out of character moments, those were intentional and I can explain that for all the characters really, when the universes merged, histories were changed and twisted around, giving us a somewhat different package than what we are used to. I hope you don't hate the changes, nobody has been changed drastically anyway. Also a lot of information will be left unknown to readers, since this takes Kyon's perspective, I can't very well have him tell you all about SEELE's plans and what have you, since he has no clue what's going on for the most part. I think that will make things a little more interesting though, since sometimes it's what you don't say that matters. On an unrelated note: why is it that whenever I listen to sonic meets metal, I get a very clear image of Haruhi running next to sonic at mach speeds with that big open-mouthed smile, not even breaking a sweat, with sonic looking over at her with a "WTF?" Expression? One more thing on a related note(I know these notes are huge!) I'm starting to run out of good Kyon quotes for the beginning of each chapter, so if you could, PM me with a few of you're favorite Kyon quotes, or any Haruhi character really, as long as I can find a spot to fit them I'll be happy. But I'm mostly after Kyon quotes.

Chapter Four:

Unfamiliar Ceiling

No matter when it was, i don't think I've written into my resume any skills that would get me sent straight to the funny farm, besides the pretty useless skill of getting myself unwittingly dragged into mysterious events.

-Kyon

I woke up in a daze, staring at something white, as my eyes adjusted I realized it was a ceiling. Where was I? Looking around, I found I was in a hospital room, how nostalgic. Was it all... just a dream? I rolled over to see if Haruhi was in a sleeping bag next to me, only to find nothing. Maybe it was real...

I tried to sit up, but I was sore all over and there was a pain between my legs, feeling around, I felt a long plastic tube... Oh god dammit! They put a catheter in me! I carefully reached for the tube and slowly pulled it out,

"Ah... ow... shit..."

Much better... damn these doctors are thorough, thank god I didn't have to deal with this my old world. I had just managed to sit up when it suddenly hit me, no Haruhi... is it bad that I'm starting to miss her? Is she even in this new world?

"I guess I'll just have to find out" I thought as I shakily got off the bed and started walking.

How long was I out for? I could see the early morning rays through the windows out in the hallway, was I in the Geo-front? Or was that the real sunlight? Hard to tell, this world has a lot of advanced technology. I continued to wander down the hallway until I saw a group of doctors rushing a patient down the hall on one of those emergency table things with the wheels. I feel like I should know what those are called. Something struck my interest though, that girl... was she the one I saw before, in the street? I'd say it was impossible, but I'm pretty sure I had just woken up after I fought in a giant cyborg against some Godzilla reject. Blue hair, and red eyes... that's definitely her, and not Nagato. I could have stopped to ask her who she was, but it seemed that she needed immediate medical attention, and I'd probably run into her again sometime anyway.

I was shook from my thoughts by a cold, hard voice.

"Kyon"

My "Uncle" was standing beside me. Don't sneak up on me like that!

"I'm very surprised in your performance yesterday, good work." It felt more like I was being sized up than congratulated, he was watching me with cold, calculating eyes.

"Thanks... I guess. Seems like you didn't expect me to pilot it, or even get in the Eva, why is that?"

"I have my reasons" he stated icily,

The commander was walking away from me when he stopped, keeping his back turned to me,

"By the way, Captain Katsuragi will be stopping by shortly to pick you up, then there will be some legal matters to attend to with Doctor Akagi"

"Alright"

Then he just walked away, what's this guy's deal?

I was in the lobby waiting for Misato to pick me up, watching the news. There wasn't a thing on about the Eva or the angel, but I guess if they just broke out and said, "oh by the way, we have giant robots to fight giant monsters that want to kill us all" there would be a widespread panic. That could only cause more problems than there already were. I decided to change the channel with a nearby remote, struggling with the buttons, I was still sore all over. When they said synchronize, they weren't kidding. I found a baseball game on TV and put the remote down, I didn't really follow baseball that much, but it's nice to have some normal ambiance for once.

After about an hour of zoning out in front of the TV, Misato showed up with a fresh change of clothes and soon enough we were speeding off through the Geo-front to what I'm guessing was Doctor Akagi's office. Does she always drive like this? I hadn't really considered her driving skills before since we were trying to get out of a war zone, but I'm surprised this woman is still alive! After a few minutes of warp speed, we finally made it to the scientist's office building and went inside.

"Ah Kyon, as you may have guessed, we have some things to sort out" was the first thing I was told as we stepped into her office, this woman was definitely the straight to the point type.

"So I'm told" I said dryly.

"Alright both of you take a seat while I get the papers" she said as she quickly left the room.

I took a chair by Misato and sat quietly while we waited. You know how they say you can tell a lot about someone by looking in their medicine cabinet? Well I think the same applies for private offices, everywhere I looked were complex physics books, cigarette butts, and oddly enough, cat figurines. When I first met her, I didn't think of her as a very warm person, other than a few questionably flirtatious comments, but it seems she has a soft side after all. Seriously though, why are older women flirting with me? Not that I'm complaining or anything, but I never really considered myself particularly good looking, not ugly either, just average.

She came back to the room with a large envelope,

"Alright, before I ask you to sign anything, I'm legally obliged to ask you something" she said, holding onto a manila envelope.

"Okay, shoot" I said apathetically.

"Do you want to pilot the Evangelion?"

"If I don't, everything will all go to hell won't it?" I said bluntly

She had an annoyed expression, "It certainly looks that way, but I need a definitive yes or no"

"Alright, yes"

Doctor Akagi lips raised in a tiny smile as she handed me a pen and a piece of paper "You're much more cooperative than I would have imagined"

"In my experience, it's best to just go with the flow" Except for when Haruhi has a REALLY stupid idea, which is most of the time.

"That's a good philosophy to have at NERV" she pointed at a dotted line, "Just sign right there"

"Alright then..." I was about to sign my name when it struck me,, "Wait, am I getting paid for this?"

"Of course! You'll receive a hefty check for hazard pay each month and a gratuitous retirement fund when all of this is over, the details are actually right here" she said, pointing a well manicured finger at a box in the document.

I read through it carefully, if I was counting right, I should be getting enough money each month to last me a fourth of the year! These people are pretty serious about this.

"Alright then, I'm definitely on board with this" I said as I signed my name.

After I signed it, I had a nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I should have been overjoyed that I was getting paid to pilot a giant robot and kill monsters, Haruhi would probably kill everyone in the brigade just for a shot at this job! ...But why did I feel like a guy who just sold his soul to the devil? I put it in the back of my mind, it was probably just all the money coming my way that made it seem too good to be true.

"Alright, now that that's settled, I have another document for you sign" Doctor Akagi said, effectively snapping me out of my thoughts.

"For what?" I asked curiously.

She handed it to me, "Signing this document means that you consent to live on your own in a NERV funded apartment complex"

"Now wait a minute!" Misato said, stopping me as I was just about to sign my name. What now?

"He's still just a kid, I think he needs a proper guardian, I mean, don't you think it might have a bad effect on his mind to live all by himself?"

I didn't think it was a bad idea.

The blonde scientist had a thoughtful expression, "I get what you're saying, Misato, but his only adult relative in the city is the commander, and he barely takes care of his daughter as it is"

Daughter? I have a cousin now?

"But we can't just leave him on his own!"

Doctor Akagi had an amused expression, "And who's going to take care of him, you? Ha! You're the polar opposite of a good role-model!" she was laughing now.

"Ritz, I take that offensively! I'll have you know I take very good care of pen-pen!"

What's a pen-pen?

"He's a genetically modified penguin! He could just as easily live on his own!"

Genetically modified penguin? As a pet? I found myself in a merged universe, piloted the Eva, fought a giant monster, pulled a catheter out of my dick, but that takes the cake!

"You're just jealous! Come on, Let him live with me!"

What the hell is happening here?

Doctor Akagi sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. Man do I know that feeling, "Alright, fine. But it's up to Kyon"

Misato was on me faster than you could say tsukkomi commentor, with big doe eyes and a begging expression, "Won't you please Kyon-kun? Please, please, please! I could really use the company!"

How could i say no those puppy dog eyes and those... big... bouncing breasts, good lord they were big! Gah!

"Alright, alright!"

She gave me a childish chuckle and a smile that reminded me far too much of Haruhi, "You made the right choice Kyon-kun!" she turned to doctor Akagi, "In you're face, Ritz-chan!" Akagi was not amused.

After a quick stop at a convenience store to get snacks, I was riding along with Misato to our new place. She had a sinister smirk the whole way there.

"So are you in the mood to party?" she asked me, her tone was cheerful.

"What's there to party about?" i asked, tiredly resting my head on the window pane.

"A welcoming party for my new roommate, of course!"

Oh joy. "forgive me, but I'm not really the 'partying' type"

"I'll let you have some of my beer~"

After everything I've been through, I need a beer...

"Sure, sounds good" i said quietly.

"Why are you so gloomy?" she said in an annoyed tone

"I'm not gloomy, I'm exhausted"

"That's it! We're making a detour!"

"Where to, the happy fun camp of sunshine?"

"You look cute, so why don't you act like it?"

Looks can be deceiving, can't they?

We were parked on a cliff, with a complete view of the city.

"Pretty soon now..." Misato said quietly, giving a quick glance at her watch.

Soon enough, huge skyscrapers started rising out of the city. Growing out of the ground on some kind of hydraulic belt would be my guess. I could really care less.

"Neat" i said half-heartedly.

Misato grabbed me by the face, forcing me to really look at the city,

"Dammit Kyon-kun, look at this! You protected this city, show some damn pride!"

Not really changing my attitude, Misato.

"Woot."

Her eye was twitching as she let go,

"Never mind... come on, let's go home"

"Here we are, Home sweet home!" Misato said as we walked in and took our shoes off.

I looked around, gawking at the huge mess. This wasn't a home, it was a swirling nexus of chaos and discord! Everywhere i looked, there were trash bags and empty beer cans.

"Sorry, it's a little messy" she said nonchalantly

If you only took me in to clean up after you, then you're out of your mind!

After i brought my boxes in, courtesy of NERV shipping, i joined Misato for dinner. I wonder what's in those boxes? I decided I'd rummage around and find some clues later.

"Here's that beer i promised you, Kyon-kun! Cheer up!" she said, handing me a Yebisu.

First time I've ever had beer. I cracked the can open and guzzled it down, not really taking in the taste and eliciting a surprised stare from Misato.

"Um... Kyon-kun, can i ask you something?" she asked, handing me another beer.

"Okay, shoot." i cracked open the new can and took a big gulp. God this stuff is nasty!

"Heh heh, it's an acquired taste. But i wanted to ask, why are you so dispassionate? I mean, you act like all of this is nothing new to you"

I wouldn't say that... not exactly anyway.

"I've just always been that way, ever since middle school"

Misato gave me a ponderous look,

"What happened?"

"Have you ever believed in the impossible?" i asked, starting to feel a buzz.

"I'm living it, remember the angel? Evangelion ring a bell?" she said flatly

"I meant when you were a kid"

"I don't want to talk about my childhood" she said darkly, taking a sip of her beer.

"Okay... well anyway, i used to believe in a world where aliens, time travelers and espers existed. I wished so hard that they would just pop out and say, 'hey! We're here!' But by the time i got in middle school, i guess all of that was stomped out of me by the crush of normal everyday student life. I just stopped caring about that kind of stuff, or really much of anything. I just did what i had to do to get it done and go home, and I've been that way ever since" Of course i couldn't tell her about Haruhi and all of our 'misadventures', she'd probably send me straight to the funny farm in an I-love-me jacket, so I doctored the truth a little.

"Well that's anticlimactic"

"What were you expecting, that i already had to save the world on a daily basis from an eccentric girl?"

Oh irony, though arte a heartless bitch.

"Ha! That's just silly, kudos for imagination though! No i just figured you'd say something like you used to believe in the supernatural until all the childlike wonder was crushed out of you when you were mangled in an escalator and aliens didn't come to save you. Something like that"

? But saving the world from an eccentric girl is just silly?

After dinner i stumbled to the bathroom to take a leak, alcohol has that effect apparently. I opened the door and nearly tripped over something, it was the bird. I kneeled down to get a better look at him.

"So you must be pen-pen. Anything you want to tell me, Debate philosophy, Anything?"

Pen-pen tilted his head at me curiously as if to say, 'This guy must be crazy'

"Wark?"

"Never mind... could you move now? I gotta take a leak"

The penguin waddled away, as if understanding exactly what i wanted.

"Huh, nice guy" i said as I watched him walk away.

I laid on my bed, dog tired. I was going to sort through the mysterious boxes, but i could really care less at this point, i just wanted to get some sleep. I had school in the morning, according to Misato. I should be furious about risking my life and then still having to go through the boring crush that is school, but maybe I'd meet up with someone i knew, that would be a major plus in this weird place. I really was starting to miss Haruhi, and the rest of the brigade too. I'd even welcome Koizumi talking my face off about some abstract concept like he always does.

Before i fell asleep i read a little, i did manage to sort through one box and found an old sci-fi book titled childhood's end. I wasn't really taking in any of the words but i gathered it was something about aliens and human evolution. It had to be a clue, the theme was just so familiar, and on top of that i had never seen it before. I think i'd know if i owned this before. Maybe tomorrow I'd start reading it in earnest...

A/N: here's a retarded omake I made a long time ago:

Ultra mega bastard

A Gendo Ikari story

"Oh my god they killed Kenny!

You bastards!"

click.

"It turn's out there was a half eaten meat ball in there.

Did you save it?

...No?

...You bastard."

click.

"Thanks action bastard, you really saved my ass back there!"

click.

"What did you do to my legs you Nazi walrus bastard!"

click.

Gendo Ikari, commander of NERV, sat in his office flipping through the channels on his super awesome big screen TV. The bastard. It had been a long day at NERV with no angel attacks and abusing Shinji was just getting old. He needed something new to spice up his inner bastard.

But what could he possibly do to be more of a bastard?

Gendo reached into his desk and took out the only surviving relic of Yui Ikari, a small hand-mirror.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, how can I be a better bastard?"

His reflection furrowed it's brows for a moment in deep thought,

"Tell Shinji he's a spineless wimp?" it offered.

"I already did that three times today"

"...Make a huge batch of delicious tacos and not let anyone have any?"

"...Um... no." Gendo replied to the mirror. That was a jerk thing to do, but it was just stupid, like the author just wrote down the first thing that popped into his head. Seriously, what's with that?

"...Oh! I know! Order the bridge bunnies to listen to you read the great Gatsby!"

Gendo shuddered, that book was the most despicable, boring thing he had ever read. And he went to college!

"Like hell I'd put myself through that!" he growled back.

"Then I'm out of ideas"

Gendo frowned,

"You bastard."

"Right back at ya champ!"

he threw the mirror across the room, shattering it as it collided with the wall.

Gendo was desperate for new ideas, he had already read The bastard method cover to cover and he had done everything in that book and then some already. He then watched his favorite DVD, Hitler's greatest speeches, but Hitler had nothing on the bastard king of NERV. He had banged Akagi senseless and didn't call the next morning, but that too was getting old. Bored out of his mind, he decided to call SEELE up for a conference, just to shake things up, or rather as the vernacular goes: Fuck shit up.

"Ikari, we are very busy men! What's so important? Asked Keel, who's name the author is uncertain about spelling right for some reason. Gendo suppressed a grin as he spoke his next words, being that he studied McCarthyism in his younger days, this was no difficult task,

"Gentlemen, I have knowledge that three of you are angels, I do not know who but I have undeniable evidence of this"

"What?" the members of SEELE screamed. Gendo merely cut off the connection and walked back to his office.

It had been a few days since a certain five countries nuked each other into oblivion, and Gendo still wasn't satisfied. Pressing the button on his intercom, there was a short silence. Then an attractive female voice spoke,

"Yes Mr. Ikari?" asked his secretary.

"Bring me the boy"

"Right away sir"

Gendo waited a few minutes in his trademark pose with his hands locked together. Finally Shinji arrived, approaching his father's desk carefully.

"Y-yes father? You wanted to see me?" he asked carefully, fearing Gendo's glare would turn him to stone. Why else would he wear those cool shades?

"Yes, I was thinking we could use some father-son bonding time. Would you like to go fishing sometime?" Gendo asked, feigning friendliness.

"Y-yes father! I'd love to!" Shinji cried out, his faith in mankind returning.

Gendo sat quietly for a moment waiting for the boy to walk into his trap, after an awkward silence, the boy did,

"D-do you really mean it father?"

"No. now get of here, you disgust me"

Shinji promptly ran away crying.

Gendo reclined in his chair, a good day's work done.

The end.