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January
When the street lights went out on the first morning of 2006, I started coming to. Blinking, I realized that my thoughts had been leaving me alone for awhile. My mind was silent. Edward was still there, or at least the memories of him. Edward himself was off somewhere, pursuing something he actually wanted – the familiar numbing sting of that thought felt distant – but at least he was in the world, in this world, somewhere. It was like in The Little Prince, which I had been reading in two different languages, as part of my alleged "Christmas holiday reading". If you have a friend on one of the stars, then that justifies the existence of all the stars. Not only that, I added silently, but all the stars will seem beautiful, just because of that. And now, I awoke to a world that had Edward in it. He was still my Edward, even if he didn't consider me hisBella.
This is like what Ghanima went through in Children of Dune, my mind went on. She build walls to protect her from memories that threatened to overwhelm her… I unwrapped my arms from around my chest, choosing not to think about it. The walls I had built might still crack.
I met my own gaze in the bathroom mirror. The eyes were still glazed over with sadness, pain, grief… but the desperation was gone. Maybe I wasn't as calm and accepting of the pain as I felt, then? No, it was more likely that it hadn't begun to show. Or maybe it wasn't very deep yet. I could not remember what my eyes had looked like before, while I was still deeply in pain. While it had been going on, I had been unable to think about it. And now…
While I stood in the kitchen assembling breakfast for myself I, heard Charlie's car in the driveway. Right. He had spent New Year's Eve at the Reservation. Good thing he hadn't brought me. Maybe I wouldn't have had my epiphany then. Now I felt indifferent, and it was peaceful to be indifferent. Maybe I could grow used to it. My new diet of veggie-smoothies and fish had begun to take effect. I had added oatmeal to it for good measure. I looked healthier, at least a little. I was still pale as a sheet, dark rings under my eyes, still tense. I could keep myself warm, though, and my failing health wouldn't be a burden on anyone. That was what mattered. With a stronger body, it was again as though my feelings became easier to stand. The pain was as intense as ever, but the bleeding had subsided. It was as though I was running out of whatever it was had been draining from me since, well, since my birthday. Maybe that means Jasper got me, and I have been dreaming the rest. I smiled at the thought, before I realized how sick it was. Apparently, I still had something of a death wish, much as I'd tried to suppress it.
What if he had turned you into a vampire before he left you? That thought hadn't occurred to me before. What then? That would conceivably be worse than this. How does a vampire kill itself? That one was easier to answer. I remembered what Edward had told me about vampire suicide. It was not a simple as walking into the sun, obviously; but you could have other, stronger vampires tear you to pieces and burn the pieces, which apparently there was an old family of vampires to do to anyone who would out their secret. Vultures? No, but they had a similar name. I couldn't remember it. Then again, if I would go to them, I might out the Cullens by accident. It wasn't their fault I had unraveled their secret. Not that I would know where to find them. Italy was huge. Well, at least it was bigger than Washington State, I was pretty sure.
The days passed. I didn't really notice anymore. Maybe you canget used to pain, but you can't pretend to yourself it's not there. There was still school, work, house chores and books to distract me, but it didn't distract me. On some level, I had accepted that he was gone and would never come back. Once, I would have said that Edward and I were meant to be, but he clearly didn't feel that way. How could he, anyway? But I would never wish my time with him had never happened. I would never have wished to have lived without knowing him. If I had managed well on my own before I met him, the memory of who I was then still felt like a hollow shell, even emptier than I felt now. I felt hope that I could at least keep my family happy for as long as it lasted – even so, I had no doubt that this pain was forever. Instead of being with Edward forever, I had to be with the absence of Edward – forever. But at least a much shorter forever than the one I originally hoped for.
"That's it, Bella! I'm sending you home!" Charlie's fist slammed down on the kitchen table…