Chapter Four: Conflicted
As the weeks passed Shepard found herself becoming physically stronger. She was doing well in therapy; she had the usual highs and lows, the break downs when it all got too much and the adulation when she achieved something, no matter how small. She had learnt one thing about herself, she was determined. Jack said she had always been this way, never one to quit. Shepard believed her, it made sense and it felt right. She could now stand up with a support, although it was still a difficult and painful process. The doctors wanted her to work on standing unaided and using supports to take her first few steps. Jack had been amazing, providing constant support and an ever ready training partner. Her pep talks, although very typically Jack and probably not suitable for those of a sensitive nature, were testimony to her abilities as a teacher and a friend.
Shepard worried though; it was obvious that Jack missed her students. Shepard felt like she was holding her back, like Jack felt she had to be here out of a sense of duty. The last thing Shepard wanted was Jack to start resenting being here, looking after the invalid when she really wanted to be with her students. She had tried to talk to her about it, but Jack had dismissed it. Saying that she was in contact with her students, they were doing fine and that they could manage with out her. She was adamant that her place was here with Shepard. Shepard let the matter rest, it didn't make her feel any less guilty, but she was grateful. She liked having Jack around; she was not sure how she would go it alone.
There were other benefits to Shepard's therapy, rebuilding her strength meant a lot of time in the physio wing of the hospital. It felt good to get out of her room more frequently. Plus, physio was always full of people in Shepard's situation, trying to get back on their feet. Being around other injured patients made her feel less pathetic. Thanks to the war and the hospital's proximity to Alliance HQ, it was mostly occupied by war wounded soldiers. At first, the other soldiers had seemed intimidated by her presence; no one knew how to approach her. In their eyes she was the infamous Commander Shepard, a hero. But as the days passed and she struggled through the same hurdles they did, their attitude toward her changed. Some of the more confident among them would say hello as she passed, engage in friendly conversation and even offer tips for whatever piece of equipment she happened to be using. On one particular day, Shepard stood in between parallel bars, focusing her mind, preparing to take her first steps when a deep voice interrupted her thoughts.
"You know, you're making too big a deal of it. The more you think about it the harder it is." An unfamiliar voice spoke from behind her.
She swivelled round to see who had interrupted her concentration. A muscular man in a wheelchair gazed up at her. He had floppy auburn hair, which seemed too long for a military man, but his Alliance gym top suggested otherwise. He smiled and his emerald green eyes seemed to almost sparkle. Shepard opened her mouth to speak but words had forsaken her, her mind momentarily distracted by this stranger with a handsome face.
"Sorry, I should have introduced myself. The name is Logan, Alliance solider, like yourself. I was in a building in London when a Reaper's beam took it out. I spent 3 weeks doing exactly what you were doing then, over thinking it." He smiled again; he had an attractive smile the kind that pulled up in one corner.
"Erm, it's okay. Thanks for the advice. I'm-"
"- Shepard, yeah I know who you are, I think everyone in the galaxy knows you by sight." He laughed; it was a rich sound, velvety and smooth.
"Of course, sorry, that's taking some getting used to." Shepard closed her eyes and shook her head at her own stupidity. Of course everyone here already knew who she was.
"Well, from what I've seen your reputation serves you well. It took me months to accomplish what you have in a few weeks. I can just about make it to the end of that walkway without needing the bars. Give it a few more weeks and you'll have easily surpassed me."
As he spoke Jack returned from fetching some bottles of water, she walked across the room, eyeing the newcomer unfavourably. Logan sensed her distaste and chose to make a swift exit.
"I should probably get back to my own exercises. I'll see you around Shepard, and if you want any pointers or someone to work out with then feel free to ask." He wheeled his chair around, but turned back to call over his shoulder. "And Commander - the vids don't do you justice." He winked, turned once more and wheeled away.
Shepard turned scarlet at his comment and it prompted Jack to glare after him.
"What was that guy about?" She asked as she handed Shepard a bottle of water, eyes still fixated on the retreating figure of Logan.
"I- err... I don't know." Shepard studied the floor.
Jack pulled her glare from Logan and glanced at Shepard, detecting the pink on her cheeks.
"Honestly Shepard, I leave you alone for five minutes and the vultures descend!"
Kaidan awoke to the sound of the shower running.
What the...
He sat up on the sofa looked towards the bathroom door.
No one should be able to get in here, who the hell?
Kaidan stood up and crossed the room cautiously, eyes fixed on the bathroom door. The water turned off suddenly; he could hear footsteps padding around the bathroom.
"Hello?" he called out.
The bathroom door opened as Shepard stepped into the cabin; a white towel covered her middle whilst she dried her hair with another. Beads of water glistened upon her skin. Kaidan froze, his mouth fell open.
Shepard... How?
She smiled broadly at him.
"Hey handsome, you'd nodded off on the sofa, I didn't have the heart to wake you." Shepard crossed the room until she stood in front of him, her face inches away from his own.
"Kaidan, what's wrong?" She laughed. "You look like you've seen a ghost." She said as she placed her hand softly on his cheek.
"I-" Kaidan couldn't think straight. He didn't understand any of this. But she was here, in front of him, alive. He could feel the warmth of her hand; he closed his eyes and nuzzled into her palm. He didn't care how, she was here, that was all that mattered.
"Shepard..." He pulled her close, wrapping his arms tightly around her waist and buried his head into the crux of her neck, breathing in her scent. "I thought I'd lost you." he murmured against her skin.
"Hey, come here." Shepard said as she guided his face back in front of hers so that he was looking straight into her beautiful eyes. "Kiss me."
Kaidan took a moment to study her face. Not sure if he had finally lost his mind.
She is really here. I can feel her.
Kaidan took her face in his hands and swiftly brought his mouth to hers. He kissed her deeply, pouring all his angst and fervour into it. Shepard's tongue found his own and she matched his passion, letting out a low sexy moan as she let her towel fell to the floor. She stood in front of him, completely naked. Kaidan could barely contain himself. He'd thought she was gone, dead, but she was here and she wanted him. He pushed all his negative thoughts to the back of his mind and lost himself in her kiss.
Shepard began to take control. She moved her hands to find the hem of his trousers and she skilfully pulled out his shirt. She broke free of his kiss to quickly pull his shirt over his head. Shepard stepped back and drank in the site of his naked torso, her lips parting in appreciation. Then her mouth found his again. She pushed against him, forcing him backwards, pressing her body against his so her breasts were crushed against his bare chest. Her hands clutched at his shoulder blades, then slowly she lowered them, dragging her nails down his back. Kaidan moaned in response and skimmed his own hands down her spine, eventually taking her perfect round buttocks in his hands and giving it a firm squeeze. They reached the sofa and Shepard pushed him down into a sitting position, lowering herself onto his knee so she was straddling him. She kissed the corner of his mouth and trailed kisses along his face, across his skin until she reached his neck. Then she began kissing, sucking and nibbling the skin there.
"Oh, Kaidan..." she murmured as she kissed her way up his neck and took his earlobe in her mouth, nibbling it seductively. Shepard brought her mouth next to his ear, reaching her hands between them to stroke the length of his manhood through the material of his trouser.
"Kaidan..." She sighed "I'm not dead." She whispered into his ear.
The pleasure at her touch had Kaidan so distracted he almost didn't register her words. But somehow the alert part of his brain broke through the haze; he grabbed her shoulder pushing her back so he could look at her face.
"What did you just say?" He was panting heavily and Shepard almost looked amused.
"Shepard! What did you just say?" he demanded.
Shepard giggled.
"I'm not dead Kaidan. I'm waiting for you." She said, looking deeply into his eyes as she leaned in for another kiss.
Kaidan bolted upright as his eyes snapped open, he inhaled deeply. He gazed around the cabin, trying to make sense of his thoughts. He was on the sofa in Shepard's cabin, alone, her N7 hoodie clutched tightly to his chest. Quickly, he began to piece things together and the realisation that he had been dreaming sunk in. He raised a hand to his cheek and then moved it to his lips. The warmth of her hand, her kiss, all felt so real, he could still taste her, even now. Kaidan rubbed his eyes in defeat and decided it was time for a cold shower. He really felt he was beginning to lose his mind.
Shepard threw her head back and laughed. It felt so good, she hadn't laughed like this since she'd lost her memory. Over the last few days she had accomplished her first few steps, she still had to hold on, but her quick progression was something to be proud of. At this current moment, she stood upon the walking apparatus, practising her steps. Logan was in his wheel chair watching and giving her advice to help her along. She looked back at him still smiling from his comment.
"Seriously Logan, where do you get this stuff from?"
"I always fancied myself as a bit of a comic Shepard." He grinned back using his full, beaming, perfect white smile and she laughed again.
Being around him made her happy; physically he was in the same position as she was. He understood what she was going through better than anyone else around her and he was helpful. She wouldn't have been progressing so quickly without him. Shepard didn't feel like she was burdening him either, he wanted to help her and they now trained together on a daily basis. She'd quickly trusted him enough to tell him about her amnesia. He'd been great about that too, understanding. He didn't question her about it, or try to make her remember things; he'd just taken it on board. It was nice to have someone who didn't remember the old Shepard, someone who didn't know more about her than she did. Most of all, she didn't feel like she was hurting him by not remembering. She could just be herself, who she was now in this space and time. Plus, he was a good looking man and his presence definitely brightened up the dreary hospital.
"And anyway." He continued. "I like making you laugh, it suits you."
Shepard blushed and looked down to her feet. He often made comments like this and she still wasn't sure how to react, it made some part of her feel guilty. She decided to try and change the subject.
"Erm... Thanks Logan - for helping me I mean… you've been great. I wouldn't be able to do this much so quickly without you." She gave him a soft smile.
"The pleasure is all mine Shepard… Believe me" He emphasised as he held her gaze. Shepard's lips parted involuntarily as their eyes remained locked for an increasingly awkward time period.
"Shepard!" a voice beckoned from across the room, instantly breaking the intimacy.
Shepard turned her head as Oriana ran toward her; the young girl jumped onto the apparatus and wrapped her arms around Shepard. In her wake Jack and Miranda followed. The pair had been getting on better as of late, and judging from the look on Miranda's face Jack had forewarned her about Logan. Jack's dislike for the man was evident and she was still very hostile towards him.
"Look at you! I can't believe you're up! Miranda and I just got here. It's so good to see you again." Oriana let Shepard out of her grip and jumped off the apparatus to take a place next to her sister.
"Hey, it's good to see you too, both of you." She smiled. "Erm... Miranda, Oriana, this is my friend Logan. Logan, Miranda and her sister Oriana, you already know Jack." Shepard made the introductions, still a bit flustered from the awkward moment with Logan, but relieved for the interruption.
"Ladies." Logan gave them a charming smile but Jack gave him her usual look of disdain.
"Logan, is it okay if I skip out early today, I haven't seen Oriana and Miranda in weeks… You could join us if you like?" Shepard hesitated not sure she really wanted him to accept.
"Not a problem Shepard. And thanks for the invite but I have some things I should probably take care of. I will leave you to catch up with your friends. See you tomorrow?" He asked.
"Yes, of course, usual time. Thanks again." She said with a mixture of relief and disappointment not to be spending more time with him.
"Anything for you Shepard. Till tomorrow then." He said as he swivelled round in his chair and wheeled away. There was a certain inflection in his voice and look on his face that registered with everyone watching. Oriana and Miranda eyed Shepard suspiciously as Jack continued to distastefully watch his retreat.
Once back in her room, Oriana was the first to ask about Logan.
"Who was that guy? What was all that tension about?" She asked inquisitively.
"Nothing, he's just a friend that's helping me with physio. Our injuries are pretty similar." Shepard played nervously with her hands, she knew where this conversation was going and she didn't want to talk about it, about him, Kaidan...
"Bull-" Jack began, obviously still angry.
"Jack please." Miranda interjected.
"Fine, I won't swear. But I still don't like the guy. Shepard, what about Kaidan?"
"What about him? You said he was a jerk!" Shepard snapped.
"No, I said he was acting like a Jerk, there's a difference- and where does he fit into all this while Mr. Butter-wouldn't-melt Military drools all over you?"
"It's not like that-"
"Oh, really? Because from where I'm standing it certainly looks a Hell of a lot like that!"
"What do you want me to do Jack? Be hung up on someone I don't even remember? I don't even know if we were even together. What do I really know? That we had a relationship before Horizon, that you saw us argue and that he returned to the Normandy at a later date. What if he came back just to stop the Reapers? What if there was no more us? …" She paused as she choked on her word; she was on the verge of tears. "What- What if he's dead?!" Shepard yelled as the hot angry tears fell down her cheeks.
"Shepard… there must be some reason your mind clung on to him." Jack said softly, feeling guilty about the way things had turned out.
"Stop this you two, lets not talk about-" Miranda tried to intervene and calm the situation but Shepard ignored her.
"You don't understand Jack! It's like he's tattooed on my brain! I can't take it anymore! I don't really know who he is but I can't get rid of him. No one can tell me anything! I am starting to resent the very sight of him! … and I - I'm scared – scared he's gone and that this is all I'll have left of him, these dreams that will haunt me forever." Shepard looked at her three friends; all taken aback with her frank admission. The glimpse into Shepard's head had allowed them to feel her pain and know her fears, view the internal struggle she had been keeping to herself. Oriana even had a solitary tear rolling down her cheek. No one spoke for what seemed like an eternity.
"You know what I think you need?" Jack stood up suddenly breaking the silence. "You need to get out of here. The same scenery everyday can't be doing you any good. It's been months, it's about time you put in a public appearance." She swivelled Shepard's wheelchair around.
Shepard eyed her suspiciously, the hostility between them moments ago quickly forgotten. "I'm not sure about this."
"I actually think that sounds like a good idea." Miranda added, standing up herself.
"Come on it'll be good for you!" Oriana smiled and clapped her hands.
Shepard squinted against the bright sunlight as Jack wheeled her out of the hospital entrance. It was a beautiful day, the sunlight streamed through the clouds; the air was crisp with a slight chill. But in front of the hospital an odd sight greeted her. The green expanse of lawns which Shepard assumed usually made the place picturesque were covered in bouquets of flowers. In amongst the flowers were candles, notes and cards. They stretched as far as the eye could see; the closer to the hospital they came the more dying and decayed they were. Further in the distance Shepard could see people, placing more flowers down.
"What is all this?" Shepard asked. Her companions didn't seem phased; this was obviously their usual sight upon entering and exiting the hospital.
"It's for you." Jack said nonchalantly
"For me?! What? All of it?" Shepard was shocked.
"You're a hero Shepard, when are you going to get used to that? The Galaxy loves you." Miranda replied.
Shepard tried to take it all in, it was overwhelming and tears welled in her eyes. She understood now more than ever why Admiral Hackett had wanted to keep her amnesia off the radar.
"I hadn't realised it would be... like this." Shepard shook her head, trying to focus her thoughts; she still got a little hazy sometimes when things got too intense. "Erm... where we going anyway?"
"The Alliance HQ where you were incarcerated is a 10 minute walk from here, through a park. So I thought the walk would be picturesque and shit, you know for you first day out? And the HQ would be like homework for us, cos it might help you remember something from your time there." Jack explained.
"That's good thinking Jack." Shepard smiled, she needed something to take her mind of the ridiculously emotional day she had been having.
"I'm not just a pretty face." Jack winked at her.
By the time they reached the Alliance HQ word had obviously spread that the infamous Commander Shepard had left the hospital because the press had already began to gather outside. Alliance Soldiers came out to assist the group make their way through the crowd of reporters. A young looking Soldier took the wheel chair from Jack; she didn't look too happy about it but obliged him all the same. In front of the building an enormous sculpture stood. A dark, curved marble slab spanned the length of the building and stood roughly 2 stories high. Atop it where beautifully detailed life sized carvings representing every council species, they stood side by side holding hands. The large marble part had been inscribed with so many names; Shepard could not even begin to fathom how many were there.
"Excuse me." Shepard turned to one of her soldier escorts. "What is that?" She pointed towards the sculpture.
"A memorial to all those that have fallen in the war against the Reapers Ma'am. Those are just the human loses; there is a replica of that sculpture on every council planet with the names of the fallen from the particular race. They are to remind us that we fought this war together, that you united us all Ma'am."
"Can I take a closer look please?" Shepard asked.
"Of course Ma'am" The Soldier guided her wheel chair to the centre of the huge memorial.
Shepard gazed at the names for what seemed like an eternity, reading as many of them as she could from this angle, trying to commit those names to memory; those that had given their lives so that others could live.
How many people have lost people due to this war?
The thought made her feel sick; her name should be up there, she wished she could trade places. It didn't seem like enough, nothing she could do could honour these people adequately, but she had to do something. Shepard placed her feet firmly on the ground and attempted to stand up. As she attempted to push herself up off the arms of the chair the young Solider jumped to her aid, she signalled him away. Slowly and painfully, Shepard stood up as straight as she could manage. Without her usual supports it was difficult, but thanks to the extra training she could manage it. She looked high up into the list of names, mustered as much strength and vitality as she could and gave her best salute. She had forgotten about the press, but as soon as she completed her gesture the cameras were flashing frantically. Of course they loved this, the perfect picture of Commander Shepard, survivor, saviour, honouring the fallen.
Shepard's vision began to blur, affecting her concentration. She blinked trying to clear her vision. The scene before her changed, the sculpture altered before her eyes. There were still names, but on a wall, it was small in comparison and the Alliance logo was displayed boldly in the middle. She scanned the names and slowly realised where she was.
The Normandy.
Shepard looked around her, there were doors, she moved to the left and went through the door at the end. Kaidan stood there, his arm pressed against a large glass window, his forehead resting on the wrist. At the sound of the door opening he turned and smiled. Shepard began to sway, Kaidan's image blurred before her eyes and she was once again in front of the engraved black marble. She fell backwards, but the young solider quickly caught her and lowered her gently back into the wheelchair. Shepard closed her eyes and tried to regain composure, her head ached.
"I think you should take it easy for now, Commander." The Soldier said as he wheeled her away from the crowd of press and into the safety of the Alliance building.
Back in the hospital, Shepard awkwardly manoeuvred from the wheel chair and back into her bed. The trip round Alliance HQ hadn't sparked anything new. Her head still ached. Brow furrowed, Shepard was still deep in thought over her recollection of the Normandy.
"Are you alright Shepard?" Miranda asked as she placed a hand on Shepard's arm and scanned her face with a look of concern.
"I-I... I remembered something. At least I think I did." Shepard shuffled uneasily in her bed.
"You did?! What was it?" Jack questioned excitedly, her initial concern replaced with intrigue.
"Standing in front of that memorial, I had some sort of - flash back. But I still remember it now, and my mind sort of... added to it? I can still see it now, like it's always been there, like a memory." Shepard closed her eyes and focused on the mental image. "Aboard the Normandy there was a wall, a memorial wall, with names on it." She raised her hand as if she were running it along a name. "Ashley Williams, Thane Krios... I can see the names still. But it's not just that. I remember it was in some sort of hallway, there is an elevator behind me and doors to different rooms all around me. I remember where they lead, the rooms and their names. But -" Shepard sighed, eyes still closed. "In Starboard observation Kaidan is there, looking out the window, he sees me, he looks as though he is about to say something, but then the memory ends." She opened her eyes and looked at Jack "He's still there Jack, he's always there."
"Shepard, you're not focusing on the most important point. You remember a whole deck of the Normandy. That's a fantastic achievement." Miranda tried to comfort her.
Shepard nodded. "I remembered something."
"You wanted to see me Traynor?" Kaidan said as he exited the elevator into the Combat Information Centre where the specialist was normally stationed.
"Yes Major, I have something I wished to bring you attention to." She handed him a datapad and he scanned the information as she spoke. "We are approaching the outskirts of the galaxy now. I have started receiving a signal from a nearby planetary system; it appears our incoming comms system isn't as damaged as previously believed. I am registering a mayday signal from an Alliance vessel, I have tried to hail them but our outbound comms won't respond. If we are going to help them are only option is to land and try to locate the crash site."
"Do we know the size of the crew?" Kaidan asked.
"There was a crew list encoded in the mayday. It is possible that the ship got lost fleeing the crucible and crash landed in this system, like the Normandy."
"Any information on this system?"
"Stored information suggests that none of the planets are inhabited, we shouldn't face any problems with a locate and evac operation. We are close enough to sustain the extra crew members until we reach the Sol System."
Kaidan nodded. "We have to help them, it's the right thing to do... it's what Shepard would do. Good catch Traynor-"
"Major, there's something else you should know." The specialist cut him off. "On the crew list, there's a Captain Alenko on board. I checked your records, they match up, it's your Father."
Kaidan froze as the words sunk in. The last he had heard his Father was MIA. He had to get to him, quickly. Kaidan handed the datapad back to Traynor.
"Tell Vega and Javik to suit up, we leave asap." Kaidan commanded as he strode back to the elevator.