All I wanted to do was run out the door with the diary gripped in my sweaty palms and not utter a word to anyone until I had read every last word. But I stayed where I was. Because I had to read it in her room. Because then it would be like she was there with me.

Slowly I got up and walked to her closet. On the floor, behind her clothes is where I would sit, where she could surround me.

And so one I was where I finally wanted to be, I began to learn about her life, all their lives. Coming to hold the collective memories I didn't have the pleasure of experiencing.

There is an order that every story must follow or else no one will ever understand it. I thought I entered Alice's dark world of depression at the party but that was just when I first became aware of it even though I didn't notice it for what it truly was then. As the pages went on I began to feel the imprisonment of being a girl, the way it made your mind dreamy, so you ended up knowing what colors went together. I began to realize that the girls I once knew were really women in disguise, they understood love and even death. And our jobs, as boys, were merely to create the noise that seemed to fascinate them.

They knew everything about us, and we couldn't fathom them at all.

The first fifty pages were full of her hopes, desires and dreams that will never come true. What surprised me the most was that I had a starring role in her diary. Especially since it was dated to a time before we started dating. Before I even realized that she wasn't the childhood girl I had fall in love with but this young woman who was new and different but loved by me all the same.

I leaned my head back against the wall as I thought of the first time I saw Alice in a new light.

My passion for her started when I went into the wrong history class during fifth period. Every day, I would sneak out somewhere between fourth and fifth period to smoke the marijuana I took as regularly as Eric Yorkie, the diabetic kid, took his insulin.

On that particular day, I ran into the vice principal and in my haste to get away I ducked into the nearest class. The teacher was unaware of my presence so I took a seat in the back behind the most beautiful girl that ever lived. When she turned around to shake her head sadly at me. She was the still point of the turning world.

At that moment I really feel for her, and I knew I would never get over her. That's something I still believe today.

Alice may have been the first girl I loved, but she wasn't the only girl I've ever dated. But no of those other girls will ever compare to that, that was real. The realist thing I've ever felt in my short years on earth.

It was so easy with all the other girls, they all came on to me, so it was only natural that I had no idea how to take our relationship to the next level. If I had known that all I had to do was tell her how I felt instead of going through all the great measures that I went through, perhaps we would have had more time together. Or maybe then she wouldn't have known how much she meant to me.

Soon our story began to unfold right before my eyes as I read every word of what I once lived. And then a girl that I never even meet appeared and I wonder where she came from. Everything was the same, the handwriting, the voice I heard in my ears even the spacing. But the words had changed. No longer was there this infectiously happy girl but a sad, angry, misunderstood one.

"Death will be a sweet release" she wrote and I knew that was when she changed.

I quickly shut the book and jumped up. I ran out of the closet, out of the room and was almost out of the house when I decided to stop by the living room and say farewell to the people who unknowingly gave me the answers to most, if not all, of my questions.

I tucked the book in the waistband of my jeans as I turned the corner of the off-white room. "I sorry but I have to go" I whispered as I looked down on the floor, intentionally avoiding eye-contact, I knew that if I looked her parents in the eye, my whole resolve may crumble.

Mrs. Cullen said something back to me but I didn't hear her.

At the same moment that she opened her mouth, my eyes flickered up and I was now busy staring at Edward. As though he could read my mind he nodded and then I turned around and walked away without even waving goodbye.

Instead of going home, I walked across the street and sat down on the curb facing the Cullen house. I held my hands up to my face and pretended to take a picture, burning the mental image of the place into my mind.

"This was where she once lived" I whispered to myself.

My eyes studied every little detail of the housing, pausing on an upstairs window.

"And that's where she used to peak out from behind her curtains, watching me watch her"

"Who are you talking to?" Emmett asked making me aware of his presence.

"No one" I told him as I stood up and brushed myself off. "Where's Edward?"

"You know where" Emmett nodded towards the house.

Somehow I didn't see Edward leaning against the old oak tree that Bella used to lie under almost every day as she read some book that she just couldn't put down.

"Get Edward" I ordered. "I have something to show you" I took one last look at her window then without waiting to see if my friends were following behind me, I began to walk home.

Somewhere between the Cullen's street and my front door, my friends caught up to me. There was nothing but silence as we entered my room and sat down on any comfortable surface. was on my bed, Emmett was on my desk and Edward was sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall in a corner.

"So?" Edward questioned.

I pulled out the diary, turned it to a certain page and passed it to Emmett to give to him. "Read it out loud"

"He's back. I hate him, we all do. He knows this but that doesn't stop him from returning. We planned that party for hours and he just ruined it in mere seconds"

Edward stopped reading and looked up at me. "She's talking about the party"

"Where it all started" Emmett mumbled

I nodded, replying to them both. "Go on"

There's just something about Uncle Aro that creeps me out. The way he looks at me, as though he knows something that I don't, sends chills down my spine. Just a few minutes ago I caught him cornering Bella whispering how she looked just like her mother. All I could think was wtf? We're all adopted, how the hell does he know what her mother looks like. Maybe he knows something that we don't.

Edward stopped reading once more. "It just stops and then she continues on another page"

I nod, I knew full well that she skipped a few lines. And when she began there were tear marks on the page and he hand writing was frantic. Something happened between entries that upset her. And it wasn't because I lied and told her I was coming when I knew I wasn't.

Just a few seconds ago I knew exactly know I was and now I'm a stranger to myself. My mind can't even process this right now. My whole life had been a lie and now that the truth has come out I feel broken and confused. I don't know what's real anymore. Was I ever loved or was it all just Oscar-worthy acting? Do I even know what love is? Have I ever felt it? Am I capable of love? Am I even lovable?

I need him and he's not here. I know that if I go to him, he will just come to me out of pity. But right now I don't even care. Because right now I just need

And in mid-sentence she just cuts off. So I will never know what she needed and I won't know if I ever provided her with it.

"Wow" Emmett whispered.

"Want to take a break?" Edward asked as he softly shut the book, answering for us.

Slowly, I laid my head back against my pillow and closed my eyes. Although I didn't sleep, I still dreamed. We all did. Together we dreamed of a world where they were still ours and we could hold them and just protect them from every bad thing.