Hat Trick
"Walk. Forward!" Graves hollered down the hallway as a disoriented, drunken Udyr tried to make his way through it. The Outlaw was standing with Olaf and Twisted Fate—Graves had only agreed to come along for the chance to harass his arch-enemy in any way he could—in the hallway that was currently being blocked by Udyr. "That ain't forward y' idjit!" he yelled as Udyr stumbled into the opposite wall. Now he was seriously regretting even considering coming along, given how dangerous Udyr could be while drunk. He turned and scowled at Olaf, who was standing between himself and Twisted Fate, "Why'd y' even mention booze if y' knew this would happen? He got smashed after one damn sip!"
"Hey I thought he could handle it!" Olaf crossed his heavily-muscled arms over his chest and gave Graves an annoyed glare.
"I dunno why you're gettin' so uppity at 'im, Graves," Twisted Fate leaned around Olaf to glare at Graves from under his hat. "You were goading Udyr on right along with 'im."
Graves glared down the hallway at Udyr, then looked back at Twisted Fate in time to spot that the Card Master was trying to set up a Gate for himself on the sly. The Outlaw reached over and gave Twisted Fate's long hair a good hard yank before he could finish the spell.
"Ahow!" the spell faded the moment Twisted Fate's concentration was broken. "Let go!" he grabbed the length of hair above Graves's fist and tried to pull away. "What are you, five?"
"Told ya earlier, Fate. Yer not teleportin' outta here unless yer takin' us with you," Graves snarled. He gave Twisted Fate's hair one more hard tug before releasing him, just to make sure he got his point across.
Twisted Fate shook his hair out after Graves released him and gave the Outlaw an angry glare. "I can't take more'n myself through the Gate, an' you know it," he snapped.
"What, cause yer a crap mage on top of bein' a crap par'ner?"
"Y'mean like how you were a crap conman?"
Graves took Twisted Fate by the collar and shoved his face in the Card Master's own, "You wanna fight?"
"Let's go!"
A big hand grabbed each by the ear before they could start fighting and slammed their heads together. Olaf followed up by grinding his knuckles against their temples, "Are you trying to get Udyr's attention?"
A thump from down the hallway caught their attention, and the three looked up in time to see Udyr walk into the wall again. Olaf released the two now that there was no chance of them trying to fight again and watched for an opening.
Twisted Fate's frown deepened at the sight as he rubbed the side of his face that Olaf had abused; the last time Udyr got this drunk near him, the Animal Spirit had ended up breaking both of the Card Master's arms while trying to get his hands on his hat. Needless to say, Fate wasn't too happy about having to possibly go through such an ordeal again. "I think we should just leave him here and go out the back way," the little ray of hope caused his expression to lighten as he spoke.
"Have fun with that," Graves craned his neck to get a better look at the space Udyr was leaving open and wondered if he could get through if he made a run for it. "Don't you remember what night it is?" Normally he wouldn't warn his arch-enemy about walking into something so awful, but he was considering the fact that he might have to shove Twisted Fate into Udyr to save himself, if it came to that.
Fate paused as he recalled the date, and his face fell when he realized what Graves meant. "Aw, hell," Twisted Fate grimaced and lowered his hat over his eyes. Tonight was Wednesday, which meant that the poetry group would be occupying the auditorium that he and the others would have to walk through to escape. Udyr might be bad, but he'd heard things about what listening to the poetry of Hecarim, Malzahar, and Zed could do to a man's sanity, and the few details actually given to him were enough to make his skin crawl. Not to mention the fact that he'd heard it would make your ears bleed, having not yet been so unfortunate as to hear it himself. Being beaten senseless by a drunk Udyr might be better than seeing into the depraved imaginations of anyone in that group.
Farther down the hall, Udyr backed away from the wall he'd been leaning against and flopped down face-first on the floor, apparently unconscious. The trio waited for a few moments to see if he would move, but the burly man remained completely still as they watched him.
When Udyr did not move again, the trio made a silent dash down the hallway in an attempt to get past him before he regained consciousness. They were almost in the clear when Udyr sprang up behind them. Before any of them could react, Udyr wrapped his arms around all three in a massive bear hug that was tight enough to prevent any of them from wriggling free. He then swayed drunkenly and barged straight through the wall next to them, finally coming to a stop in an upright seated position with the three still clutched tightly to his chest.
Olaf looked around once Udyr had come to rest and tried to wiggle free, to no avail. "Well, at least we're outside now," he grumbled.
"Yeah too bad it doesn't do us any damn good at this point!" Graves snapped as he struggled to get free as well. He could hear Twisted Fate let out a quiet groan from the other side of Olaf.
"He's gonna break my arms again…" Fate moaned, not bothering to try getting free. Udyr was too strong, it was a futile effort anyway. His face paled at the thought of the pain that was sure to come his way.
The three were interrupted in their respective struggles and moping by a light snore from Udyr, who had suddenly fallen asleep. This got a sigh of relief from Twisted Fate, who figured that Udyr would at least be less likely to break his arms while asleep. The other two grumbled over being stuck, not having had painful encounters with drunk Udyr in the past.
"Worst bar night ever," Olaf grumbled as he turned away from Udyr's slight beer breath. Had he known Udyr was so easy to get drunk he never would've even talked to him in the first place.
They fell silent, each lost in their own thoughts and all three wondering how soon Udyr would be able to sleep off the alcohol as he snored in their ears. Absolute, crushing boredom was just beginning to set in when Udyr began to mutter in his sleep.
"Karma ths tea is wun'erful…" the compliment ended in another snore as Udyr's dream continued.
"Yeah we wish you only had tea," Olaf grumbled.
"Sh't up you wrn invited…"
The reply took the group by surprise. They waited to see if Udyr would say more, but he only continued to mumble incoherently while no one spoke to him.
Olaf twitched his beard to and fro as he considered an idea that had just popped into his head. "Hey, he listens to this Karma lady, right?" he asked, glancing side to side at his two fellow captives.
Silence fell again as the two thought it over. "Yeah, she's one of the few people he actually respects," Twisted Fate offered, recalling that he'd seen Karma get Udyr to back down on several different occasions.
"Yeah, that's right…" Graves raised his head and looked at Olaf. "So what's the plan?"
"Well he thinks he's talking to Karma, right? So maybe if one of us pretends to be Karma, we could get him to let go," Olaf glanced at the other two, but there were no takers. "Well fine, I'll try it then," he looked fairly miffed that no one else wanted to attempt his brilliant plan. Olaf then cleared his voice and did his best Karma impression, which was merely a gravelly, slightly higher-pitched version of his own voice, "It's such a lovely day isn't it, Udyr? I think you should—ghuuuurk!"
Udyr was apparently displeased with this horrible failure of a Karma impression and was trying to get rid of its source.
Olaf gasped, trying to catch his breath. "I don't think he likes it, one of you should try," he started coughing after finishing the sentence, as Udyr's squeeze was quite painful to his ribs.
Graves made his choice on who would do it without skipping a beat. "Fate's gotta do it, he has the girlier voice!"
"Shut the hell up, Graves!" Twisted Fate snapped, shooting a venomous glare from around Olaf's beard.
Twisted Fate's outburst was met with a hard squeeze on the three by Udyr, which drew a pained moan out of the group. Fate swore he felt a few of his ribs shift out of place from the pressure. He didn't know why he had to be the one humiliating himself, it was their fault...
The three of them were enjoying their drinks at the bar, Twisted Fate and Graves taking verbal stabs at each other every few minutes during their conversation with Olaf, when Udyr wandered in. The Animal Spirit seemed a bit lost, since a bar was the last place he usually wanted to go and the last place people usually wanted him. Whatever the reason, it did not bode well for the three drinkers and their night of laid-back conversation. Udyr spotted Olaf and walked over, subtle body language stating that he was itching for a fight.
Olaf grinned when he recognized Udyr, and his intent, and finished the rest of his beer in one gulp. The grin widened when he noticed the disgusted face Udyr made at the sight of him drinking it. "What's the matter, Udyr? Can't even enjoy a nice drink?" he slammed the tankard down on the bar to punctuate his point.
Graves chuckled from where he leaned against the bar. "Good one, we all know he can't even take a sip of a real man's drink," his head was buzzing slightly from the beer, and he found it entertaining to have a laugh at Udyr's expense.
"What," Udyr set his eyes on Graves, and the beer tankard the Outlaw was waving around.
"Look, Udyr," Graves continued. "We all know y've got the tolerance of 'n adorable liddle baby."
"We can drink more than a sip," Udyr took a step forward, apparently willing to prove that he was, indeed, the most manly of men by drinking the nasty beer stuff himself.
"It's alright, Udyr! It's just, some men are more manly than others," Graves said with a careless shrug.
"Malcolm, shut up," Twisted Fate snapped. He wasn't eager to have Udyr try that "Gambler Stance" nonsense with him again. It was painful enough the first time it happened.
"No you shut up," Graves jabbed Twisted Fate in the stomach and shoved him away. "I'll say what I like."
Twisted Fate gasped and doubled over from the blow, but kept talking. "You won't like Udyr drunk," he managed.
"What? He won't do—"
Udyr grabbed Graves's mug of beer and took a large gulp. Twisted Fate slapped a palm to his face, nearly knocking his own hat off in the process.
"I don't get why I gotta make a fool 'a myself when it was your fault," Twisted Fate snapped, renewed in his determination not to demean himself by sweet-talking Udyr.
"Well I guess we're stuck here, then," Graves crossed one leg over the other and looked away, trying to get comfortable since they wouldn't be moving anytime soon.
It took a few minutes for Twisted Fate to decide that being stuck with Udyr was not something he wanted to endure for a full night, or however long it took for someone to happen along who could actually help, rather than make the problem worse. "Uugh, fine," Twisted Fate grumbled, swearing to himself that he would get back at Graves on a later date, both for helping get Udyr drunk and for suggesting that his voice was girly in any way. He cleared his throat and coughed twice, hoping in vain that something might happen to save them. When nothing happened, he let out an annoyed sigh as his face colored slightly from embarrassment and did his best to copy Karma's voice, an attempt that was markedly better than anything Olaf could do, "Udyr, aren't you tired from holding that for so long? Why don't you put it down so we can enjoy this tea better?"
"Srr, Karma…" Udyr slurred, and his arms relaxed just enough for the three to make their escape.
Twisted Fate was just about to get clear of Udyr when the man's hand shot out and grabbed the Card Master by the forearm. He let out a surprised yelp as Udyr yanked him back into his muscled, bristly embrace. "No, no, no, NO!" Fate yelled as he tried to squirm free, long legs flailing about as he tried to break Udyr's grip on his arms and chest, but to no avail.
The struggle was met with a loud guffaw from Graves and a laugh from Olaf.
"Funniest thing I seen all week!" Graves chortled.
"Dun go Karma I though' y wn'ed tea…" Udyr purred in Twisted Fate's ear, which sent a chill of horror down the Card Master's spine.
An expression of absolute terror came over Twisted Fate's face as Udyr's mouth drifted closer. "Don't leave me here! Please!" he implored, casting pleading eyes upon Olaf and Graves.
"Sorry Fate," Graves said in a tone that clearly stated that he was not, in fact, sorry in any way. "Maybe if ya hadn't betrayed me back then, I'd help ya out."
Twisted Fate scowled at Graves and looked to Olaf instead.
Olaf held his hands up in fake apology, "Sorry, I'm not gonna let myself get caught again so good luck with that!"
"You gotta be kiddin' me!" Fate jerked himself upward, trying to use his thin body to slip loose, but the movement only made Udyr hold him tighter. He paled and broke out in a cold sweat when Udyr put his free hand on his face and ran his fingers along his beard.
"Dun' rm'mbur y' bein' ths hairy..." Udyr mumbled, his eyebrows drawing downward over his closed eyes to give him a more troubled look.
Twisted Fate whimpered, completely unhappy with the sheer number of creeps Udyr was giving him. The sound of laughter came from just over Udyr's shoulder where Olaf and Graves had moved off to, and he would have shot a heated glare their way had his face not been in Udyr's hand. His boots dug up chunks of grass and dirt as he struggled to get free again.
Udyr's fingers moved up to Twisted Fate's nose. "'r y'r nose bein' ths big..." he paused for a few moments as his inebriated mind tried to work things out. Then he smiled, much to Twisted Fate's growing fear. "Dun' wrry, we 'ccept y' 'nyway..."
That got a shudder out of Twisted Fate, who tried to lean as far away from Udyr's face as possible in case the Animal Spirit tried anything... Unpleasant. For Twisted Fate, anyway. Udyr would be completely fine with it since he thought it was Karma in his arms. Since he was unable to escape, Fate screwed his eyes shut and waited for the inevitable humiliation that would come of Udyr's drunkenness. Graves wouldn't let him hear the end of this for months.
"Why y' wr'in' ths hat, Karma? Y'look bttr wthout one," in one swift movement, Udyr swatted the hat right off of Twisted Fate's head, with enough force to launch it several yards away where it landed on the grass with a quiet thop.
Meanwhile, several dozen yards away, the Weeping Darkness Poetry Club was holding their usual Wednesday night session. Hecarim currently had the stage and had only gotten through the first half of the sixth of twenty books of his ballad about himself and Irelia:
"War wavers; Love flutters: the conquered rise again,
and those you'd think could never fall, lie low cause you stabbed them so well.
So those who like to say that love is sluggish
should shut up: If you don't I will impale you.
Sad me burns for his flower, his lost darling:
Cavalry, smash the Ionian's power while you may!
Crush them under hoof so long as she notices you!
She! Her! Alas and woe! Woe and alas is me!"
Those in Hecarim's current audience included Talon, Zed, Malzahar, Rumble, and Syndra, the last of which had invited herself because she was bored. Singed was minding the bar near the back of the auditorium, busily not listening to Hecarim and instead wondering just how many voidling eggs Malzahar put in the "Purpavalanche" he'd given Zed a few minutes ago. It was Malzahar's special, usually something no one ever asked for unless they grew so tired of the current poet that they were willing to lose their minds for a few blissful hours. Zed was currently face-down on the table he sat at due to how smashed he was from the drink, though he would occasionally sit bolt-upright and spout some nonsense like the fact that he was "tasting purple" or "hearing black", whatever that meant. The poetry was bad, but Singed was always thoroughly amused by whatever wretched concoctions Malzahar came up with while waiting for his turn on the stage, and he usually made good money off the patrons who attended.
Singed glanced at the northern wall, which bordered the hallway beyond, when he heard a loud booming noise that caused the entire auditorium to shudder. "Anyone else hear that?" he lifted a glass to clean and narrowed his eyes at the door of the wall that had been shaken.
Talon left off scowling intensely at Hecarim for taking up all the reading time and looked up upon hearing Singed's question. "Yeah. Sounded like something hit the wall," a bad feeling settled into the pit of his stomach, and he tucked his black leatherbound poetry book away in a hidden pocket just in case. He probably wouldn't be able to read any of his poems to the club now anyway at the slow rate Hecarim was going. Another disappointing night thanks to that stupid lovesick undead centaur.
The thunderous tremors continued, culminating in an explosion as something was hurled through the wall next to the stage. Udyr's unconscious body knocked Hecarim flying, which thankfully brought the reading of his ballad to an abrupt end. This got a drunken cheer from Zed, who still wasn't quite sure what was going on, while his fellow audience members got to their feet to see what was lurking on the other side of the wall.
Another explosion shook the auditorium, and something on the far side of the rubble-filled hole knocked two men flying into the room. Olaf landed on Malzahar, who hadn't been fast enough to get out of the berserker's landing area. Graves landed on Syndra's table with a loud whomp.
"Minion!" Syndra cried, both shocked and a bit pleased to see that Graves had seemingly gravitated toward her while soaring through the air.
"Dammit!" Graves scowled up at Syndra and struggled to sit up. That last attack left him in pretty rough shape and now that stupid Syndra chick was here, this evening was just getting worse and worse.
Before Syndra could make any annoying demands of Graves—such as asking that he make her a sandwich—she was startled as the building shook again and grabbed Graves to hold in front of herself. "Save me, minion!"
"Save you!? How 'bout savin' me!?" Graves spluttered, not at all eager to be on the receiving end of such brutality again.
"You're my minion, it's your job to protect me!"
"So is this a new thing with him?" Olaf got to his feet and swatted away the voidling that was trying to eat his nose in retaliation for landing on Malzahar. "The whole goes-berserk-when-hat-gets-knocked-off thing?"
"Yeah it's new," Graves tried to edge away from Syndra, only to find that the Dark Sovereign had a firm grip on his arm.
The dust from the demolished wall began to settle, revealing a very angry hatless Twisted Fate as he stood blocking the hole. Most of the champions present knew from experience that Twisted Fate was extremely dangerous in this state, but Syndra let out a quiet chuckle as she rose from the table and floated toward him.
"That's just the shrimpy card games guy, he's not scary," she conjured a sphere of dark purple energy between her palms as she cast a pitying glance over her shoulder. "Silly minion."
"Yeah have at it, I'm outta here," Graves mumbled, too eager to escape to get mad over Syndra looking down on him again. He scrambled toward the edge of the table as Syndra prepared to attack.
It was easy to aim with Twisted Fate just standing there in the hole. He made a wonderfully easy target, since his attention was apparently elsewhere, in the direction Udyr had been thrown earlier. Syndra used this distraction to her advantage and hurled the ball of energy at Twisted Fate with a short laugh.
The ball should've knocked Twisted Fate flying. Should have. His head snapped around at the sound of Syndra's laugh and—much to the shock of Syndra and everyone else in the room—he caught the sphere in his hands. Its momentum pushed him back a few feet, but he remained standing, ball of purple energy clenched tightly in front of him. With a near-silent growl he pulled back, energy ball in one hand now, and hurled it at Syndra's head.
Syndra shrieked and dove to the floor, narrowly avoiding being pegged in the face by one of her own magical spheres. She looked up to find that Twisted Fate was now stomping toward her and began to panic.
"Minion!" she shrieked.
"Don't you dare!" Graves yelled as Syndra's purple magic enveloped his body.
"Save meeee!" Syndra hurled Graves at the approaching enemy.
"DAMN YOU SYNDRA!" Graves watched as Twisted Fate pulled back a fist to punch him out of the air and braced himself for impact. The fist hit him in the gut and launched him through the hole in the wall that Syndra's sphere had created.
Syndra's face paled as she realized that she'd just thrown her one and only minion away. They were so hard to come by, too. "Minion noooo!" Syndra howled. She whirled and sped after Graves, hoping to catch him before he slammed into any more solid objects.
Zed's head snapped up again, and this time he spotted Twisted Fate, who was still advancing on the group. "D'n worry guysh I got dis," he slurred, then disappeared in a burst of shadow and reappeared directly before Twisted Fate. The ninja made a drunken swipe at Fate, missed, spun around in a full circle from the momentum of his swing, and managed to stay on his feet when he came to a stop.
Twisted Fate snarled, completely unamused by Zed's antics, and backhanded him into the nearest table.
The force of the blow made the table snap in two when Zed landed on it. He remained motionless for a few seconds, then twitched as he regained consciousness. "What happened? I blacked out during book one," he coughed, and something rattled around behind his face guard. Zed turned over to hide his face as he grappled with whatever had gotten under his mask, and finally came up with a small chittering voidling. "The hell?!" his head immediately turned toward Malzahar. "What the hell did you put in my drink Malzahar?"
Malzahar had gotten out from under Olaf by this time and floated a few feet above the ground, legs folded tailor style and arms crossed over his chest. "Just a couple dozen voidling eggs, it's not like they're bad for you," he shrugged as he spoke, trying to split his attention between Zed, who might attack him for the insult, and Twisted Fate, who had again stopped moving but would certainly attack him sooner or later.
"How dare you make me a nursery for your creepy little pets!" Zed surged forward and caught Malzahar's scarf in one hand. "You claim the Void is so terrifying, but I'll show you real terror," he growled, arm-mounted blade edging dangerously close to Malzahar's face.
"Seen it," Malzahar stated, noticing out of the corner of his eye that Twisted Fate was again looking toward where Hecarim would be. Hopefully the Card Master would stomp off in that direction rather than trashing everyone else in the room, as long as Hecarim didn't run away like a little pansy first.
"Scarier than your stupid pets!" Zed snapped.
"I know. I mean that," Malzahar pointed at Twisted Fate, who had spotted something moving on the far side of the hole in the wall and was fixating on it.
Zed glanced at Twisted Fate, then did a double take when he realized that the Card Master's hat was missing. He released Malzahar and took a few steps back, "Whoa look at the time I have to be somewhere!" Zed began a quick incantation that would get him out of the building, and paused to point at Malzahar when it was almost finished, "This isn't over, by the way. I will get you for this!" That said, Zed disappeared in a burst of shadow.
At that very moment Hecarim burst out of the wreckage. A bucket had been crammed onto his head in the crash, its bottom ruptured by the top blade of his helmet, which stuck through the broken metal in quite a ridiculous fashion. On top of his lack of vision as he charged blindly forward, Hecarim was also holding his glaive backwards as he advanced on Twisted Fate.
The Card Master widened his stance and caught the handle of the glaive in his hands, sliding back a full foot before he brought Hecarim's advance to a sudden halt. Hecarim was only given enough time to realize that he'd run into trouble before Twisted Fate started swinging him around.
"Aaaaah what is this?!" Hecarim cried, his voice given an extra echo by the bucket on his head. He still clung to his glaive despite the fact that it was what connected him to whatever was causing him trouble, and after several full circles the bucket finally flew off his head. The Shadow of War gaped in horror at what was on the end of his glaive, "Not you again!"
Twisted Fate replied by completing one last rotation and finally letting go of the glaive, which sent Hecarim careening into the poetry meet's audience.
Singed stepped forward, riot shield strapped to his arm once again, and put himself in the path of the oncoming centaur. In one smooth motion, he caught Hecarim on the shield and flipped the Shadow of War up and into the wall behind them.
Hecarim hit the wall with a loud crash and stuck there, momentarily held in place by the indentation shaped like his body. After a few moments, he slipped downward and fell to the ground head-first in a cloud of dust and pale blue ectoplasm, his helmet punching a jagged hole in the floorboards. After a brief attempt at pulling his head out of the floor, Hecarim chose to keep still on the off chance that Twisted Fate might ignore him if he fooled him into thinking he was dead.
Singed ignored Hecarim and kept his eye on Twisted Fate, who was even now moving toward the group. Those still remaining had gathered behind Singed, that being the safest place to hide at the moment. The Mad Chemist wasn't particularly worried; all he had to do was keep the shield between himself and Twisted Fate, and he would be able to deflect any attack the Card Master would be able to throw at him.
Twisted Fate fixed his eyes on Singed and the people hiding behind him, then surged forward in a blur of motion.
The Mad Chemist let out a short laugh and timed Twisted Fate's advance perfectly, bringing the shield up to fling his attacker into the wall behind him at just the right moment.
Except there was no crash following his throw. That was the first odd thing. And on top of that, Singed's shield felt unusually... Heavy...
One glance at Twisted Fate glaring at him through the small window in the riot shield, and Singed knew he'd made a vital miscalculation. "Ah," the Mad Chemist said.
"And then Ezreal kicked me out of the museum!" Vi walked apace with Caitlyn as she told her partner the details of her day off, whether Caitlyn wanted to hear them or not.
"He had every reason to," Caitlyn replied, closing her eyes in order to hide the fact that she was rolling them at Vi. "Why were you even at the museum to begin with? You don't seem like the museum-visiting type."
"Well not usually," Vi replied. "But come on, who's gonna miss out on that kickass dinosaur exhibit, am I right? It's the talk of the town, even people from other city-states are going there just... To…" Vi and Caitlyn slowly came to a halt before the scene of mayhem that lay before them.
The normally pristine mountain park that held the Institute's recreational facilities was an absolute mess, with several buildings barely standing or collapsed entirely, large scrapes and craters littering the lawns, and uprooted trees tossed about like toy logs. On closer inspection of one of the buildings, Caitlyn could just pick out the shape of two blue hooves against the darker rubble and the shape of a large body beneath.
"Hohleee shit," Vi half-chuckled as she took the scene in. "Glad I'm not the mook who's payin' fer this!"
"Indeed, I'm glad our police department hasn't had to pay for damages like this, yet," Caitlyn grumbled.
"Sh-Sheriff Caitlyn!" a winded summoner stumbled over to the two from the far side of the field of carnage. He paused a moment to catch his breath, then continued as best he could. "Udyr, knocked off," here he made a swatting motion to go along with the story, "Twisted Fate's hat, we haven't been able to stop him."
"So why in the bloody hell have you not put the hat back on his head yet?" Caitlyn snapped, annoyed that she'd been called over on such short notice for a problem that should have been trivial for any other League member to accomplish.
"Be… Because," the summoner paused for another panting fit. "Udyr ate it, and Twisted Fate rejected every other hat we tried to put on him!"
At that very moment something very large and solid slammed into the lawn before the trio, throwing up a shower of dirt and grass clumps. It wasn't hard to recognize Udyr even behind all the bumps and bruises he'd received during the fight, which had apparently all taken place while the Animal Spirit was asleep, judging from the loud snore that floated up to them now that he'd come to rest.
Caitlyn stared down at Udyr for a few moments, then her head snapped up to watch for what would surely be after him. "I see," she began to undo the straps on her back-mounted rifle holster. "Care to see my hat trick, Vi?"
"Do I?" Vi grinned. "Do my fists smash major criminal face?" she slammed one metallic fist into another to punctuate her point.
"Right," Caitlyn swung the rifle and holster off of her shoulder as a pile of fallen trees on the far side of the park exploded from something striking it at high speed. "This is definitely one you haven't seen, so do pay attention."
As Caitlyn anticipated, Twisted Fate burst through the pile of logs and briefly searched for Udyr before finding the Animal Spirit in his crater and rushing toward him.
Caitlyn dropped her rifle and holster to the ground and put a hand on her hat.
"Cupcake!" Vi stared down at the rifle in shock and then looked back up at Caitlyn. "What are you doing?!"
"Just watch," Caitlyn removed her hat and got into position between Twisted Fate and Udyr.
At exactly the right moment, just as Twisted Fate was about to pass her, Caitlyn thumped her own hat onto his head. She managed to let go before the momentum could carry her along with Twisted Fate, though it did cause her to pirouette on the spot a few times.
Twisted Fate went limp as the hat was put onto his head, and he toppled head over heels into the crater to land on top of Udyr, Caitlyn's hat still miraculously attached to his head.
"Well, that's done," Caitlyn put her hands to her hips and looked down into the crater. "Are you quite finished now, Fate?"
A pained groan was all she got in reply as Twisted Fate regained consciousness.
Vi burst into loud laughter. "A literal hat trick!" she chortled as she slid down the side of the crater to stand next to Twisted Fate. "So how's it hangin', Stretch?" Vi asked, using her annoying nickname for Twisted Fate as she leaned in close to his face.
"Stop calling me that," Twisted Fate grumbled, feeling too tired to actually snap at Vi. He attempted to get up and failed as Caitlyn joined them at the bottom of the crater. "It hurts to exist," he said finally, after trying to get up again.
Caitlyn stepped forward and dragged Twisted Fate over to the side of the crater where he might be more comfortable. "So why did Udyr knock your hat off?"
"He got drunk," Twisted Fate scowled at Udyr, who was still snoring away while everyone else moved around him. "Because Graves insulted his manhood for not bein' able to take alcohol," he added, rolling his eyes in annoyance when he said the word "Graves".
"That's good," Caitlyn took Twisted Fate by the back of his coat collar and began to drag him out of the crater. "At least you won't be paying for the damages," she glanced over at Vi. "Could you be a dear and bring my rifle over, Vi?"
Vi paused, having been caught in the act of tying knots in Udyr's beard. "Sure thing, Cupadupcake!" she straightened and threw Caitlyn a mock salute before scaling the side of the crater herself. The rifle and its holster were just where they'd been left earlier, and Vi scooped them up and tossed them to Caitlyn in one smooth movement.
"Bring," Caitlyn nagged as she caught the rifle in one hand. "I said bring, not throw."
"Yeah yeah," Vi flapped a hand at Caitlyn. "You still got it, right?"
"And don't pester Udyr anymore," Caitlyn added as Vi's attention returned to the prone body of the Animal Spirit. "He's not going to be happy when he wakes up, so I suggest you drop whatever other pranks you're considering for him."
Vi let out a loud sigh of annoyance. "Fine fine, I'll leave the big hairy beastie alone," she turned and cast a sidelong glance at the ruined rec hall, "I'll just see about digging Hecarim out, heh heh." The Enforcer threw Caitlyn and Twisted Fate a short wave as she began to sidle around the crater, "Later Cupcake, see ya Stretch!"
"I hate that name," Twisted Fate growled as Caitlyn continued to drag him off.
"It's better than Cupcake," Caitlyn quipped.
"So... Where are you taking me?"
"To a doctor," Caitlyn replied.
Twisted Fate choked on the very air he was breathing and would have run if he weren't still unable to move. One experience with Dr. Rath had been more than enough to make him irrationally afraid of all doctors for the rest of his life. "I'm fine I don't need to see a doctor!"
"Yes, you do," Caitlyn continued to drag Twisted Fate in the general direction of the Institute's clinic, in spite of his pleas. "You need to be treated, and you need to realize that not all doctors are insane and evil and get over that fear of yours."
Twisted Fate was about to reply when Caitlyn stopped.
"Sheriff Caitlyn," Karma gave Caitlyn a warm smile as she paused before the markswoman and leaned to her right to get a look at Twisted Fate. "I see that you have Twisted Fate under control."
"Yes, they've apparently been fighting all night so I'm taking Fate to see a doctor now. Udyr is in that crater over there," Caitlyn pointed at the area in question with her rifle hand, careful to keep a hold on Twisted Fate just in case he mustered the strength to try to escape the doctor visit.
"Hey Karma…" Twisted Fate half-raised a hand in greeting and allowed it to flop back to the ground, obviously not happy about having to go see a doctor after the horrible night he'd had.
"I am sorry for the trouble," Karma strode gracefully around Caitlyn to have a proper look at Twisted Fate. She gave him a brief examination as Caitlyn took a step back, and focused her power.
Twisted Fate shot up to his feet the moment Karma's magic healed him, a massive grin of relief on his face. "Yes! No doctor visit for me!" almost immediately after he finished the sentence, his eyes rolled back in his head and he tipped back and fell to the ground with a loud thud.
"His wounds are healed, but getting the spent energy back is up to him," Karma got to her feet and gave Caitlyn a nod of farewell before making her way to the crater.
Udyr was still snoring at the bottom of the crater when Karma reached the rim. "Udyr," she said simply.
"Gnrl... Go away... Our head hurts…" Udyr grumbled, having instantly awoken at the sound of Karma's voice.
"You missed tea this morning."
This statement brought Udyr to his feet almost instantly. "What happened?"
"From what I heard, you knocked Twisted Fate's hat off and the two of you have been fighting all night."
"It must have been a tremendous battle," Udyr climbed to the top of the crater and set his arms on the rim. "We wish we had been conscious to fight it."
"Conscious or not, they are going to make you pay for the damages," Karma looked out across the ruined park just in time to spot Vi jumping into the pile of wreckage that covered Hecarim. The force of her landing hit an angled board that sent Hecarim flying out of the debris to land flat on his face around ten feet away, his glaive embedding itself in the grass just beyond his reach. "Come along, I will help you get cleaned up for the hearing."
Udyr growled and grumbled to himself as he got to his feet.
Hecarim's legs twitched, and he sprung to his feet a moment later as he scanned the surrounding parkland for any sign of Twisted Fate. He breathed an ethereal sigh of relief when he saw Twisted Fate, purple top hat sitting firmly on his head, being dragged out of the park by Caitlyn.
A loud crash from the destroyed rec hall made Hecarim jump, and he looked back to see that Vi was now removing Singed from the wreckage as well, using his riot shield to lever the debris off of him. "Worst poetry night ever," Hecarim grumbled as he pulled his glaive from the grass and looked toward the park entrance. His glowing blue eyes settled on Karma and Udyr for a moment, and his face lit up when he realized who he was looking at.
"Gyaa, ah," Hecarim cast about for Karma's name, since he'd gotten a punch to the face from Udyr the last time he got it wrong. "Kar... Karma!" Hecarim dashed forward as soon as he remembered Karma's name, eager to talk to her before she and Udyr managed to leave. "Karma wai—aah!" in the few moments since he saw Karma, Hecarim had forgotten about the large crater that lay between them. A loud clang rang out as Hecarim connected with its floor.
In spite of her better judgement, Karma waited for Hecarim to scamper up the side of the crater so he could talk to her.
"Karma!" Hecarim finally got to the rim of the crater, only to face Udyr once he got to the top. "What? I'm using her name!"
"Lady Karma," Udyr snarled.
Hecarim knew better than to try arguing with Udyr and did as he said. "Lady Karma, have you seen Irelia at all? Is she here?" he cast his eyes about the park once more, just in case Irelia had wandered into it while he wasn't looking.
"Ah, no. She is still in Ionia," Karma debated on whether or not she should tell Hecarim more, and decided against it. Hecarim had already been banned from entering Ionia on pain of being used by the amateur summoners, there was no need to entice him into trying to sneak in. "But I am sure you will see her around the Institute sometime."
"That just gives me time to prepare my next ballad for her!" Hecarim hauled himself out of the crater, careful to avoid Udyr, and galloped off to attend to his own business.
Udyr glared after Hecarim for a few moments, then shook his head slightly as if there were a small insect bothering him. He lifted a hand to his mouth and removed one long black hair from his teeth. "Where did this come from?" he tossed the hair away with a grunt and followed Karma out of the park. A warm bubbly feeling welled up inside as he watched Karma walk ahead of him, and suddenly he felt mad all over again as he shoved it back down. It still came back after all that. Udyr decided that he would have to find someone else to vent his frustration on, preferably far away from alcohol next time.
A/N: Feels a bit more rough than usual, but I wanted to get this out already. I've taken long enough to write this. As usual, a big thanks to Viper of Grand for all his help, and for indulging in our ridiculous League conversations.