Title: Hellsing Comes but Once A Year
Disclaimers: I do not own Hellsing and Iscariot.
A/N: I want to start off by thanking everyone who has reviewed and or faved this story. I appreciate your support and I hope you spread the word to your friends about these funny Hellsing Christmas tales. This is about that magical traditions (and the consequences that ensue ) when participating in the holiday Christmas Pageants! Need I remind you that this is for humor OOC purpose only! Anything in here that may sound offensive is not my personal beliefs but for the sake of entertaining you with this story. If you feel you don't like this than by all means just press the back button on your computer and leave it alone (and it will leave you alone ;) ) As for everyone else, I hope you enjoy this story and get a kick out it.
Warning: Will contain heavy swearing and minor violence
"I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!" She screamed at the top of her lungs,"WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS!!!!"
"Anything wrong Master?" Alucard asked as he phased his head through the ceiling in Sir Integra's office.
"Yes it is!" she cried crumpling up a piece of paper in her hand,"I can't believe the queen is ordering us to put on a play! Can't she see I have more important matters to attend to than entertain a bunch of snot-nosed brats!"
"Now now now," tutted Alucard lowering himself from the ceiling and landed like a graceful cat,"you were once too a snot-nosed brat yourself-why I remember the first time that your mother brought you home, you were a sight, smelly and you had this one green booger that...OWWWW!"
Integra cut off Alucard's words by shooting him in the chest. Then she once again fumed about her problem,"That is quite enough out of you servant," she threatened,"I wouldn't mind directing the play but she wants me to act in it! And guess who she wants me to play?"
"Herod?"
"NO YOU IDIOT! Mary! Can you believe that! Mary wore a dress! I will be the laughing stock of the United Nations!"
"Why the U.N. Master?" He asked healing the wound in his chest.
"That is where the play is going to be, its suppose to be a show of 'peace and unity' all over the world, ugh, I could be doing a mission now but no I have to be in this lousey play!" She buried her face in her arms and sighed. Alucard walked over to her and leaned against her desk stroking her long blond hair.
"Well, face it your are considered a religious organization," he said,"so its expected that you make a play about the birth of Christ. Now if you were a public school or a secular organization you wouldn't have to do such trivial nonscence."
"What are you saying?" she muffled through her arms.
"That you are S.O.L -HAHAHAHAAH!" BANG BANG "OWWWWWWWW NOW THAT ONE HURT!"
Integra had just shot Alucard the second time around except now it was between the legs. He grabbed his injured bleeding state and limped out of the office. Just as he phrased through the door, Integra uncrumpled the letter and read it once again.
Well, she thought, how could it get any worse?
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Meanwhile in the Vatican, Archbishop Maxwell nearly choked on his coffee the moment he read the exact same letter from The Pope. It was worded differently but the subject was still the same: Iscariot along with Hellsing were going to put on a Christmas Paegent for the children and it was going to take place at the U. N. building.
And Maxwell was going to be....Joseph.
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At a conference stage somewhere in the U.N. builiding......
Each of Hellsing and Iscariot's employees were there while the Pope and The Queen stood in front of them explaining about the play.
"We want to show that even two warring houses that are usually at each other's throats," explained The Pope,"can still reflect the true meaning of the holiday season. Plus, all the money will be raised to benefit war orphans."
"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww-!"
"-SHUT UP POLICE GIRL!-"
"NOW!" firmly voiced The Queen, "Sir Hellsing and Bishop Maxwell have already gotten thier roles selected-the rest of you will choose from a hat who will play whom-if you will?"
The Pope took off his big hat and placed each piece of small folded paper into it and shook it around. Seras lead the way and pretty soon everyone else came down and choose thier paper. The hat was pretty deep so some had to reach on thier tip toes to reach all the way down on the bottom. Finally, Alucard was the last to come up.
"I am warning you," he said,"you better not make me a angel or something girly like that!"
"Just pick a stupid piece of paper vampire!" he snapped at him.
Alucard stuck his tongue out at him juvenilely and took his piece of paper.
The roles went as followed:
Integra= Mary
Maxwell=Joseph
Both of them screamed in bloody murder until the guards came in thinking there was a attack. But when they saw that there were no terriorists around they groaned and left the stageroom irritated at the false alarm.
Anderson=Herod
"This has got to be a mistake." stammered Anderson.
Alucard=Innkeeper
Seras= The Angel
"Oh boy!" she exclaimed,"The Angel! Thank you your majesty!"
"Your welcome," smiled The Queen,"I immediately thought of you when that role came up-" she patted Seras's head nicely-"you set such a fine example to all other newborn vampires."
Behind Seras, Alucard make a gagging sound with his mouth at all the sweet sugary cuteness going on between them.
Hienkel=a wiseman
"Oh great," grumbled the priestess,"that is what I need....to be dressed up as a guy...like I don't get enough jokes about that on my day job...."
"I thought you were a guy anyway-" spoke up Pip
"Cram it!" snapped Hienkel.
Yumiko=a wise man
Walter=Another wise man.
Pip=Stagehand/understudy/shephered
"Your holiness, why did you make me Herod!" complained Anderson,"if anything that vile vampire-" pointing to Alucard "-should be the one to decry all first-born boys shall be put to death!"
Alucard just burst out laughing that the self-proclaimed guardien of innocent little children would play such a horrible man. Anderson glared at Alucard's mocking laugh yet knowing that it would taint Iscariot's name to fight in the United Nations building he played the bigger man and walked up the aisle back to his seat with his head held high.
"Heh heh," snickered Alucard,"you know Anderson, humans are so fascinated with such historical quirks about certain important figures, even biblical ones, why.....I.....heard....heheehehe...."
"Vampire...don't you dare even think about-"
"-that Herod was impotent...."
"-THAT IS IT! I AM GOING TO F---ING KILL YOU!" He roared drawing out his sharp baronets
"BRING IT ON JUDAS PRIEST!"
Seras squeaked and grabbed on to the tail of Alucard's coat using all the vampire strength she could muster to keep him from marching towards Anderson as Maxwell and Hienkel pulled him back trying to keep as much distance between the vampire and priest as possible. It lead into a uproar of insults, slander, and taunts within the two factions.
The Queen just covered her face in embarrassement and The Pope pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance.
It would take a Christmas Miracle to make this play work well it seemed.
Pip was just frustrated that he had to do more work in and on the play than anyone else here.
TBC
I am making this into two parts since I realized that it would be a quite long story.
And what did you all think of Anderson playing "Herod"? I know the role dosen't fit him, but that is what makes it fun to write. See ya soon! You know where the review button is....