(Durring 4.12 Chris Angel is a Douche Bag.)

Sam stared at his phone, as though it was supposed to give him all the answers of the universe. Maybe it could have, depending on who was on the line. Sam was nearly done getting ready for his and Dean's investigation that day; researching magic tricks were a quiet interest to him that Dean blew out of proportion. Dean was taking his time in the bathroom. Sam was still mulling over Ruby's encouragement to cut the head from the snake; Lilith. And he wanted to. His insides burned to. He'd gone though a lot of hell to get this far.

But he was still having trouble with the application Ruby wanted him to use to become more powerful.

Drinking demon blood. Just the thought of it made his skin crawl. The taste of raw iron sliding like sludge down his throat. It was worse cold. And the smell stained his senses, leaving everything red. Sam hated it.

But... what it did to him. What it gave him was power and control. His mind uplifted and whispers of encouragement filled him. Raw power had a feeling, and it was instantaneous in his own bones. Any fear fled him and any doubts melted away. When he was high on demon blood, he just KNEW what he could do. Without it he was weak; he was just Sam Winchester. But with it, he felt a wholeness, and everything was better. Everything was better. His power to kill demons became easier; like setting a match to kindling. Food tasted sweeter; fuller. And sex was mind-numbingly powerful. There was nothing like it.

Sam only had a little the first few times and the withdrawal was the double edge. Falling from the high sent his body tremors of pain and his mind crackled with an icy cold. But the worst part was the guilt. All the things he did while on the blood came rushing back to suffocate him. Hallucinations taunted him, the voices turned to mocking. He felt possessed, unable to move and stuck in his own mind. Sam couldn't bear to think of going though withdrawal again if he ran out. And drinking it from the flesh... Sam felt no better than a vampire. It was disgusting. If he thought of anyone else doing it made his stomach lurch. Even being done with his last withdrawal, Sam's mind still urged him to drink from Ruby; to TAKE. Take everything he wanted and forget the consequences. Take the demon blood and go out and slaughter every demon leading to Lilith. The visions of tasting Lilith's blood promised a thrill like no other. The thought of sinking his teeth into Lilith's throat thrilled him, and that scared Sam most of all.

Sam flicked his phone open and flicked through his contacts. He stopped on the highlighted name "L" and grimaced at it. He wouldn't attempt to call it while Dean was there, but seeing it reminded him of a time when there wasn't so much blood. The trickster, Loki, had been a large mistake on Sam's part. A huge, life altering mistake. Particularly because they'd started sleeping together after they met; for a full year. It was deceptively easy when Loki's apartment moved from place to place. But then Dean sold his soul, and Loki wouldn't help him. And then the mystery spot nearly drove him mad. He was far past his wit's end. And then Loki tried to make it up for being there for Sam afterwards. tried to trick Sam into thinking he cared. He tried to convince Sam to forget that Lilith possessed little girls to kill their families and to forget Dean, who was literally rotting in Hell because of Sam. Loki so casually offered a time of peace, as if Sam could drop all responsibility and go with him.

And for a time, Sam wanted to. He wanted to stop fighting. He had longed for the quiet days of peace with the trickster of all people. Because there were really nice days among the litany of drinking and research for Lilith. Sam really had wanted to stay there. But how could he knowingly let Lilith live? And how could Loki be okay with ignoring the problem and actively trying to stop Sam. If Loki had allowed Sam to kill Lilith, then they COULD have been happy. He wouldn't have had to lie to Loki's face and say he didn't need him.

That was all a distant dream now though. Sam flicked his phone shut as Dean came out of the bathroom. Loki just gave him the ultimatum and Sam had to end it. End what ever they'd had and went with Ruby.

"Ready?" Dean asked and Sam stood from his bed, nodding and putting his phone in his pocket. Luckily Dean never found out about Loki and Sam hoped to take that secret to his grave.

"Ready," Sam confirmed and pulled on the jacket to his suit. Reaching the Impala outside, they passed a woman carrying a tired, crying baby into the motel room next door and Sam grimaced. Last night's sleep had been interrupted several times by the new couple; and as far as Sam could tell, the parents were terrible at keeping the baby girl quiet. Dean didn't grimace though, in fact, he had a wry smile on his face as he sat at the Impala's wheel.

"Hey, can you imagine Cas running around with a bundle of joy like that?" Dean asked. Sam raised his brows at his brother as he was putting on his seatbelt. Imagining Castiel, Angel of the Lord, carting around a swaddled bundle of joy that cried several hours of the night did not sound appealing.

"I think even an angel would be tired of that," Sam muttered. Dean shrugged and started the car, beginning to pull out of the parking lot.

"Think it'll look like cupid?" Dean asked. "You know, chubby baby with pink wings or something." Sam snorted, a smile coming onto his face. Ever since Dean found out Castiel was angel-pregnant Sam heard about it every day. Dean's constant musings on a tiny bundle of feathers and what kind of methods would be used to take care of a small angel.

"You gonna buy baby booties for Cas' baby shower?" Sam joked. He doubted there would actually be a baby shower, especially since Castiel and Uriel had just tried to kill Anna.

"Of course not." Dean waved his hand dismissively. After a moment of driving down the street, he continued. "Maybe a tiny bow set. Or Metallica onesie." Dean chuckled at his own mild joke, though Sam wouldn't doubt Dean would get in on baby gifts.

Sam smiled at his brother. He could never consider leaving Dean for dead. He couldn't imagine letting go of him. He'd made the right choice in chasing after Lilith. He knew he'd made the right choice. Ruby was going to help him kill Lilith and they would save anyone that was to get hurt by her. He didn't need Loki. Loki didn't even pick up his phone anymore. For all the time he'd said he was there for Sam and that he was stuck with the trickster, Loki made a very convincing disappearing act. Not that he missed the asshole.

"I got it!" Dean snapped his fingers and Sam's head jerked up at the crack of his fingers. "I've seen Metallica Lullabies floating around. That would be perfect." Sam caught his breath, swallowing dryly. For a thrilling moment, he thought it was Loki. "Might as well get the kid started on some good tunes." A smile creased on Sam's face and he shook his head, left a bit disappointed in himself in the wake of Dean's revelation. Maybe he was still waiting for Loki to contact him. To pick up the phone when he called.

"Sounds perfect, Dean," Sam said with some strain, but Dean seemed pretty occupied with his own thoughts to hear it. Sam took a deep breath and steeled himself for the case ahead. Loki wasn't an option anymore, he reminded himself. It was all just a fanciful lie.