Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia.
Author's Notes: Hey guys, I'm sorry I didn't update but I really needed a break. I also wanted to work on the plot for this fic for a while now. It's about time it started to roll in. Well tell me what you think. Criticism is always appreciated.
Even after being told I could leave, I chose to stay. I don't know why I did, I must be losing my mind. I just didn't feel like returning home. After that little conversation with Ivan, I wasn't all too willing to go back yet. I know that's pretty irresponsible of me but I don't care. I just didn't feel like doing anything after Ivan stomped on my heart. I didn't want to face my family yet, at least not like this. And I especially didn't want to run into Ivan.
I know it wouldn't do anyone any good if I returned home in this state. My family, although they would be relieved to know that I was safe and back at home, would worry. Especially Papa Francis and my brother Alfred. Francis would fret about me like a mother hen while Al would try to throttle whoever made me sad. I've seen it way too many times before. Arthur would be worried but would keep his distance as per usual, he's not really a touchy-feely kind of guy. I appreciate the fact that they care about me and would worry about me (if they remembered me), but I just didn't want that. I didn't want them to worry about me more than they have already.
I don't even know what I would do if I ran into Ivan. I was still emotional and angry. I wouldn't know what to say or how to feel. After all those years I spent with Ivan, I thought he loved me. I still can't believe how he could just toss me aside like I was nothing. Nothing but a burden, which I probably am. After everything we've been through together, I thought that he would at least give a shit about me.
I always felt different around Ivan. It always felt like he was the only one that understood, that even tried to put up with me. He was always there when I cried no matter how stupid it was. He always tried to make me feel better and reassure me that everything would be okay. Whether it be Francis's unintentional forgetfulness, a comment from my oblivious brother, or Arthur's bluntness, he would erase my doubts and tell me they didn't mean it. He always knew what to say to bring a smile to my face and vice versa. I don't know what I would do without him.
Part of me really hopes this was all a dream. A sick, disgusting dream. Only a dream, where I was never kidnapped, where I was still at home and Ivan still loved me. But that would only be self-delusion. Reality is that I really was kidnapped, Ivan didn't love me, and I was still being held here (of my own free will this time). And that brings me back to a very important question.
Why am I still here?
Why do I even want to stay?
The answer to these questions: I don't know. I don't know why I'm still here. I don't know why I want to stay. I guess it doesn't really matter right now. I know I wouldn't have to worry about my family, they had each other. And I know I wouldn't have to worry about Kuma, he knows how to feed himself. I will eventually return home, just not yet. Not while I'm still like this. I wouldn't even know what to say to my family or friends when I get back. I could just imagine the looks on their faces when I come back a mess.
I've been a wreck for the past few days. I know I'm worrying everyone, my family, friends and Gilbert. I don't want them to feel bad or worry about me, that isn't fair. But there's nothing I could do to stop it right now. I'm trying, I really am. Gilbert was kind enough to let me stay a little longer, even though I was free to leave. I really shouldn't be friends with Gil, he kidnapped me. If he never kidnapped me I wouldn't be in this situation. But I just couldn't be mean to him, he's too nice.
I think he understood how I felt so he tried his hardest to cheer me up. His attempts would be rewarded with a smile from me at times. For the past few days, he would wake up early and make me my favorite breakfast (which was pancakes of course) and then he would plan fun stuff for us to do during the day to distract me from the pain. He would even keep his distance when he saw I needed it. I really appreciated it.
I also found myself more curious about Gilbert than ever. I could tell he had been in a similar situation as I am. The way he reacts to certain things is interesting. Now that I think about it, this whole ordeal seemed pretty strange. What does Gilbert even do for a living? I've never seen him leave the manor-like house, at least I don't think I have. And how does he even know Ivan? Rich people connections? I don't think so. Why and how did Gilbert even capture me in the first place?
I found myself getting more and more confused as time went on. After breakfast, Gilbert shoved his hands into his pockets and said he had to get some work done and shut himself in his office. In the meantime, I was sitting in his library pondering until I gave myself a headache. The more I thought about it, the less it made sense. I don't remember much about the kidnapping and Gil never told me how he got in. I was at Ivan's house when I got kidnapped. What was Gilbert doing in Ivan's house?
Even though I became friends with Gilbert in the short time I was here, I didn't trust him. Obviously he's keeping secrets from me. I mean, how did he know about me and my relationship with Ivan? What's his relationship with Ivan? I previously pushed these questions to the back of my mind and shrugged it off. I thought it was better that I didn't know, but now I have to know.
With this in mind, I came up with an ingenious plan. When Gil leaves his study, I will sneak in and read all his secrets. I know that was shameful and wrong of me but where else was he hiding it? I already checked most of the other rooms in the house, I have no shame whatsoever. I felt a nagging voice in the back of my head telling me 'what if it's better not to know?' I shoved the troublesome thoughts away and exited the library.
I walked as stealthily as I could, trying to make as minimal noise as possible. I sneaked through the hallways listening carefully for any sounds that would have me caught. Even though I was trying to be silent I could still hear the soft squeaks of my sneakers against the polished wood floor. When I made it to the door of the study, I almost did a little victory dance. I'm surprised I managed to succeed because usually that never works. Al and I would play a game similar to this all the time to sneak up on Arthur and Francis but we never got far. I let out a little giggle at the memory of a pouting Al stomping his feet in an attempt to tiptoe along with Arthur's scandalized face.
My joy died down when I heard a voice on the other side of the door. I let out a silent gasp in surprise. He should be done by now! What's he even doing in there? It seems like he was muttering to himself or something (crazy, I know) but I couldn't tell because the door muffled his words. I let out a frustrated groan and rake my hand through my hair. I really wanted to know what he was talking about. I will find out, even if it kills me. Throwing all caution out the window, I slide up against the door, not even daring to breathe. With my ear against the door, I could hear him so much better. He in fact was talking to himself, which is really weird.
"Is that was he was doing all day?"
I silenced myself so I wouldn't be heard and concentrated on listening. I could barely make out the words but I think I got a good idea of what he was saying. He's absolutely nuts.
"...Am I even doing? Why do I still feel this way, what's done is done. I'm just using him to get back at Ivan."
Wait. What? Did I hear that right? I have no idea what he was raving at in the beginning but it dawned on me that I was just a pawn in his twisted game to get back at Ivan. He wasn't my friend. He didn't give a shit about me! He's no different from Ivan! After deeming I heard enough, I grinded my teeth and turned on my heel to haul ass back home but apparently he wasn't done with his little rant yet.
"...He's just a ransom. Nothing more than a prisoner."
Gee, thanks. I continued worrying my lip until I tasted copper, wondering when he would finish shit-talking me. I'll admit it kind of hurt, but what do you expect? Even someone as nice as Gilbert would tired of me. I sighed internally and continued to listen because why the hell not?
"...He took him away from me. I should hate him. I should be cruel. I had no problem being cruel to anyone else. But with him I just cant-"
What the hell was that? By this point I fully zoned out, having been deemed I heard enough. I let out a shaky, uneased sigh. I was now confused now more than ever. I jolted as I heard shuffling on the other side of the door and ran down the hall. Damn these long, neverending hallways. Damn them to hell! I turned the corner just in time for the office door to swing open. I pressed myself flat against the wall and covered my mouth with my oversized sleeve to quiet my panting.
Just a second later, Gil exited the office while humming, leaving the opposite way. I let out a relieved sigh I didn't realize I was holding. Easing myself from the wall, I hesitantly peeked around the corner. Deeming it safe, I trudged down the hall and slipped into Gilbert's office that he was stupid enough to leave open. After closing the doors behind myself, I gave the room a once-over.
Everything in the room seemed pretty old and had a thick coating of dust on it. I found that pretty strange considering Gilbert spends a lot of time in here. I deeply inhaled the intoxicating smoky scent of wood and parchment. I made my way over to the big wooden desk in the middle of the room. The desk had papers scattered haphazardly all over its surface along with other office supplies that were attempted to be organized. I deemed the desk a good place to start and slid into the plush and cushiony office chair.
The pile on the desk was too much to dig through without him noticing so I started with the drawers. I slid each one open slowly as if expecting something to jump out but I found nothing of interest. Huh, how disappointing. There's got to be something worthwhile here. I was just about to give up until I slid my hand far back into the center drawer. It felt like a folder, sounds promising I guess. I slid it out to inspect if it was really worth my time. Gil could come back any minute and he won't take kindly to people snooping through his stuff.
With something akin to fear ablaze inside of me, I quickly ripped the folder open and cursing as I slightly ripped it. Oh maple! W-Well I got this far, no turning back now. The folder in my hand was one of those cheap paper ones with the tabs, you know what I'm talking about. I let my eyes graze the contents of the folder but not comprehending what I was reading (what a surprise!). It was a file, containing all kinds of information about… I-Ivan? Why does Gilbert have a file on Ivan?
Author's Notes: Sorry to end the chapter here like this but I really wanted to get this posted. I lost a lot of time because of my little break so I wanted to put this up as soon as possible. I'll try to update again this week and hopefully get things back on track.