Medication
Chapter 4
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"You seem rather agitated for someone taking so many medications." Bankotsu whirled around, ready to lay into whoever was teasing him and found himself face to face with Kikyo. After a month, he felt comfortable around many of his fellow inmates, but he always felt a bit wary of Kikyo. He kept trying to connect this calm, quiet girl with the act she had claimed…trying to kill her entire family…it made him wonder if she was plotting things like that constantly behind her porcelain exterior. She was so different from Kagura, and he wasn't sure how the two could be so close.
"Mind your own business." He grumbled, wishing he could blow off all the steam he collected during his silent sessions with the unshakeable Dr. Taijiya.
"It seems to me that if you're going about stomping and slamming doors, you want other people minding your business." She raised a dark eyebrow. "How was your session?"
"I hate that fucking bitch!" he hissed, pointing down the hall toward Dr. Taijiya's office. "She acts like she cares, but for all the difference it would make, she could have a damn scarecrow sitting in there with me. She's a total hack, like sitting there staring at me for half an hour every day is really making me better!"
"Of course she cares." Kikyo told him calmly. "Perhaps she is attempting to make you care, and from what I can see, it is working."
"Why would anyone give a shit about us?" Bankotsu rolled his eyes. "You think your family ever wants to see you again? I bet they're a load happier knowing you're here."
"Come with me." Kikyo's voice was tight, and Bankotsu worried for a moment what she was going to do, but she simply led him down the hall. "I want you to meet someone."
"Why?" Bankotsu asked, but she didn't answer, and he continued following her, curious in spite of himself. She led him to another part of the asylum that he had seen when he had first arrived, but had not visited since. He thought possibly that this was where the younger patients stayed. He saw a girl of perhaps eight years skip past clutching a doll and wondered vaguely what someone so young and seemingly innocent had done to warrant imprisonment. It was a small ward, though. He could see right away that there were much less patients here than in the main part of the asylum. He wondered if they were going to see another doctor or a patient when Kikyo led him to the common room and made a straight approach to a boy who was building a puzzle by himself, ignoring the other children watching television.
"Hello, Kohaku." She sat down across from him and handed him a piece of the puzzle. He smiled at her shyly and tapped his lips with the piece before placing it. "My name is Kikyo, do you remember me?"
"I don't know." He flushed and picked up another piece of the puzzle. He considered it momentarily before placing it. Bankotsu was mildly impressed with this kid's ability to solve puzzles. This looked like a difficult one, but the kid seemed to know almost automatically where every piece went. It was weird, but vaguely hypnotic to watch.
"Do you like puzzles, Kohaku?" she asked him, her tone much kinder with this boy than Bankotsu was used to.
"Yeah." He nodded, placing another piece as he glanced at her shyly.
"Where did you get this puzzle?" she asked. Bankotsu thought this kid was weird, but he was failing to see what the point of this was supposed to be.
"A doctor gave it to me." He mumbled, placing another piece.
"Do you know what her name was?" Kikyo asked, and the boy shrugged, concentrating on his puzzle.
"She had red eyes." He told Kikyo. "She was nice."
"She sounds nice." Kikyo nodded. "Does anyone else ever give you presents? Your parents, maybe?"
"I don't have parents." Kohaku told her. "I never did."
"That's too bad. Thanks for talking with me today." Kikyo handed him another piece which he placed easily in the puzzle. She stood up and motioned for Bankotsu to follow her, which he did, feeling like his patience with this whole performance was clearly legendary.
"Okay," Bankotsu finally burst out as they left the ward. "What was that all about? Is the doctor supposed to be Taijiya? And since she gave some kid a puzzle, now I know she's clearly a good person?"
"His name is Kohaku Taijiya." Kikyo responded without looking over at Bankotsu. "He's the doctor's younger brother. His mother died when he was a baby. When he was eight, he woke up one day, and for no apparent reason, killed his father. He might have killed his sister if she'd been home, but she wasn't. He has been here ever since. His sister was studying to be a psychiatrist at the time, and once she was certified, she did everything she could to be positioned here, likely to be close to her brother. He seems to be unable to recognize her, or almost any person, but he has an uncanny skill for puzzles of all sorts."
There was a long silence, Bankotsu frowned at her before speaking again. "How do I know you aren't just making that up? I mean, how did you find all that out?"
"You can always choose whether or not to believe me." Kikyo responded, blinking at him as she stopped walking and crossed her arms. "You can also choose whether or not to have faith that things can change. Do you think I would like to continue as I am, and never move forward? None of us wants to stay here forever, and unless you are the exception, I would recommend you try to show a little faith in Dr. Taijiya. If she still believes in her brother, she clearly will not give up on you."
"How can you act so righteous when you're helping half the people here trade their meds for lipstick or cigarettes or whatever else they want?" Bankotsu growled.
"If they can't understand that they need those pills more than they need those other things, how will they live in the real world?" Kikyo retorted. "Many of us have chemical imbalances. I could trade my pills for a razor and reopen these," she flashed her scarred wrists at him, "but I don't. And there are some things we will not get for people, mostly weapons. Renkotsu's been trying to get us to get him matches for almost a year now. If he was outside, it wouldn't be so hard. But maybe with the pills he's on, he can learn to control his desires. And maybe you can find some calm, and I can learn to see things in a better light."
"What about Jakotsu?" he asked, not realizing this was still bothering him until the words were out of his mouth. She pursed her lips at him, giving him a considering look.
"What about him?" she asked.
"Kagura knows everything that goes on here, right?" she nodded and he continued. "She knows what's wrong with all of us. Does she know what Jakotsu did?"
"That's what you want to know?" Kikyo raised a brow as though very disappointed. "If you want to know, why don't you ask him?"
"Because…" he trailed off as the answer became clear to him. "He might want to know what I've done."
"Then maybe you should tell him. You two seem close." She tilted her head. "Kagura didn't stop spending time with me when I told her about my family."
"Okay." He paused and then turned back to her. "Why…why did you do it?"
"I thought they were going to leave me." She explained as though it were perfectly obvious. "I poisoned everyone. I didn't use enough, even on myself. Maybe I miscalculated, or maybe it was a cry for help." She sighed wistfully and turned to head down the hallway, leaving Bankotsu to consider everything he'd learned that day.
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"Hey!" Jakotsu was bouncing around the room when Bankotsu returned. "Ooh, you look so down! Stupid doctor. Want me to throw her out another window for you? I can open it first."
"No thanks." He knew he shouldn't laugh at something like that, but it was a bit funny. He sat down on his bed and Jakotsu settled momentarily next to him. "You seem…cheerful."
"I feel great!" he exclaimed, leaning back slightly. "Hey, can I play with your hair? It's like super long."
"Are you going to cut it?" Bankotsu asked, but Jakotsu could tell he was teasing and simply giggled.
"Like anyone gives me scissors! No, I just want to brush it out." He clambered behind Bankotsu, grabbing his braid in one hand. "You never let me see it down! I wanna know how long it is."
"Very," Bankotsu couldn't help but smile as Jakotsu played with the tail of his braid, batting his eyelids at his roommate all the while. "It's just easier to braid when it's wet, that's why I do it in the shower."
"Well, if you insist, we could go there for this." Jakotsu wriggled his eyebrows, but Bankotsu didn't panic like he might have a few weeks ago. He was getting used to the way Jakotsu teased, and he knew the best way to avoid things going in that direction was to ignore the come-ons. "But I don't think I'll be paying much attention to your hair if we do that."
"There's a brush in my top drawer." Bankotsu sighed. "But if you take it down, you'll have to be quick or we'll miss lunch."
"Yay!" Jakotsu climbed across the bed and procured the brush before returning, setting it down, and removing the ponytail holder from the bottom of the braid with relish. "Did your mom use to brush it out like this?"
"When I was really little, until it started to get too long." He answered, feeling the shifting weight on the bed as Jakotsu unwound his hair. It had been ages since he'd let it out when it was dry. "Then she wanted to cut it, because it was a lot of trouble, and I started taking care of it."
"Always a rebel, huh?" Jakotsu giggled slightly and Bankotsu shrugged. "So did your girlfriends like it?"
"What?" he asked, trying not to get too relaxed, but he had forgotten how nice it was to have someone else care for his hair like this. "Oh, I didn't really…I mean, I had a couple girlfriends, nothing serious, though."
"You didn't let them play with your hair?" Jakotsu gasped. "You're mean."
"They never really asked." Bankotsu shrugged again, sighing slightly as he felt the last of the hair unwind, releasing the strain that the braid put on his scalp. It was the best way to wear it, but it had its own shortcomings.
"There's so much…" Jakotsu's voice trembled slightly and Bankotsu suddenly wondered if this had been a bad idea. He could feel the pull and give of the other teenager running his fingers through sections, separating bits at a time. "I've never seen so much hair on anyone before."
"I'm glad you like it," Bankotsu responded nervously, trying to keep calm as he felt Jakotsu's fingers on his scalp, rubbing away the tension there expertly before continuing down, exploring the length of his freed hair. "Can I ask you something?"
"I wish I could have hair like this." Jakotsu sighed wistfully as he picked up the brush. Bankotsu took that as a yes.
"What did you do?" he asked, and the brush froze in its progress. "I mean, to get in here. You don't have to tell me if you don't want." He silently cursed Kikyo, who probably thought this was all a great joke.
"No, no, it's okay." Jakotsu sounded slightly strained, as though trying to hold onto a cheerful mood that was draining away swiftly at the change of topic. He began brushing Bankotsu's hair again as if gathering himself once more. "It's fine, I figured you'd want to know the whole story eventually. Everyone here acts like they don't care about it, but you can't help wondering, right? Am I sitting next to a serial killer? Who did this person attack? Will they attack me? None of us is in here for getting bad grades, after all. It's a little more serious than that."
"I'll tell you what I did…if you like." Bankotsu felt the panic threatening at his own words, but he pushed it down, concentrating on the feeling of having Jakotsu brush his hair. He felt like he could trust this person, and he wanted Jakotsu to trust him, too. He wondered if that was the real reason he wanted to know. "If you swear not to tell anyone…if you swear we'll still be friends."
"I should say the same to you." Jakotsu let out a harsh chuckle, and it sounded so much like a sob, Bankotsu wanted to turn and be sure that everything was all right. "You'll want to change rooms when you know. You won't be able to sleep with me here, you'll think…" he trailed off, and Bankotsu felt him leaning up against his back.
He wants to hug me, he realized. But he thinks I'll freak out if he does.
The thought did scare Bankotsu a little bit, he had to admit, but he couldn't just ignore Jakotsu's need. He hooked a hand through his hair, pushing it all to one side so that he could turn more easily, and put his arms around the frail frame of his roommate. Jakotsu stiffened and looked up at him, hazel eyes moist.
"Is this okay?" he asked, his voice a whisper.
"It's fine." Bankotsu breathed, closing his eyes and trying to stay calm. It had been so long since he had held someone like this, and while Jakotsu's frame was delicate, this was not like hugging his sister. "You don't have to tell me if you're scared."
"I was kind of messed up." Jakotsu started, not moving from the shelter of his arms. His face was pressed against Bankotsu's collarbone, and he felt the vibrations of the words against his skin, in his flesh and deep in his bones, as if there was some strange power behind them. "You know how teenagers rebel? I took it a little too far." Bankotsu remained still, not sure what would happen if he moved or spoke, and afraid to find out.
"My parents knew I was doing drugs and having sex, but when I sent a kid to the hospital, they decided I needed therapy. Maybe because I had hurt someone, or maybe because they didn't like that I was gay, I was never sure. Probably both." Jakotsu paused, twirling a lock of Bankotsu's hair in his fingers. "I like…I do things kind of rough, and I guess some of the people couldn't take it, though they seemed to like it at the time. My therapist…he flirted with me. He was way too interested in what I'd done with other people, and I started to think…I mean, here's this guy, helping me clean up, but he doesn't think what I do is wrong or dirty, he's interested! And things just kind of…developed between us. I'd never been monogamous before, but he made me believe that what I wanted wasn't strange, that I was beautiful and special, and I just wanted…I guess I was in love, or thought I was. My parents had no idea, of course; they wouldn't have let me keep going to him if they he knew he was doing that sort of thing with me. They were glad that I was so happy, so well-adjusted. And then…I went to surprise him at his place, and the door was unlocked, and some…some whore—" his hands clenched tightly, and Bankotsu winced at the feeling of his hair being yanked sharply "—was there. They were…well, it turns out they were engaged. I had no idea he was even seeing someone else. I trusted him, gave him everything, and he…" Jakotsu cut himself off, pulling away from Bankotsu and idly playing with the long black strands running along the bedspread like a river. "I guess I overreacted. But I saw the knife sitting out on the counter, and I thought I would feel better…I was going to kill myself when it was over, but I couldn't do it, and pretty soon the cops came. They didn't really believe that I'd been sleeping with him. I didn't have any real proof, no pictures, no letters…they thought I was delusional, so they sent me here. Now they say I'm bipolar, and they try to medicate me, but I think anyone could have done that, if it happened to them."
Bankotsu nodded slowly, remembering how Naraku had described the killings as gruesome, and wondering if they really had been. Would it make any difference? People thought Jakotsu was crazy because he became angry enough to lash out, but Bankotsu knew what that was like. He knew how good it could feel to pour out all that rage, to feel skin split beneath knuckles, to feel that euphoric power. Just because he used a knife, did that make him so much worse than any other angry teenager?
Jakotsu was looking at him, his expression wary and hopeful; like a puppy that expects to be kicked but can't resist trying to get a pat on the head. Bankotsu smiled, and Jakotsu sighed in relief, collapsing against the wall and curling up next to his stream of hair. "So what about you?" he asked, seeming much lighter now than he had a few minutes ago, burrowing his face in the black mass of strands.
"I killed my stepfather." He answered, not realizing he would be so blunt until the words were out.
"Was he a dick?" Jakotsu asked, not at all seeming worried about what Bankotsu had done.
"He was molesting my five-year-old sister, so yeah." He answered. "But after…no one believed me, and they didn't even ask her. I hope she understood what I did for her…but I'm pretty sure she's so young, she'll forget about all of it. Including me."
"You're a good brother." Jakotsu assured him, sitting up and grabbing the brush, "She won't forget." He went back to Bankotsu's hair as if nothing out of the ordinary had taken place.
"Jakotsu?" Bankotsu spoke up as his hair was being carefully braided.
"Yeah?" the other young man paused in his task.
"Thanks for believing me." It came out in a harsh whisper, and at first he wasn't sure the other man could hear, until he felt the warmth of a pair of lips pressed to the back of his neck.
"You too."
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To be continued…